Am I being played?

[JessePinkman]

Okay so I am a 27 year old male, obviously single. If I am being completely honest with myself, I guess I haven't had a real relationship since I was about 19 and even then that was looking back a complete mess. I was insecure, no self-esteem, no confidence and she played me like a guitar.

 

I have since then made steps to becoming a confident, better version of me. I still have the same old personality traits that I always have had. I know I am a nice guy with a good heart.

 

Since that ended, I've had ALOT of one night stands, some intentional some not. I've had numerous flings where I've been strung along or got emotionally involved too fast and showed my insecurities which obviously still lie beneath the surface to an extent. I've made a lot of progress on that front I feel and I know I am good catch for the right person. I've worked hard on my self-esteem and building confidence up and I feel like I've made significant progress over time. I did go through a very bad spell where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a couple of years ago, mainly due to my job at the time I feel and I feel like I am over it now. I have a better job, which was possibly the kick-starter I needed more than anything else.

 

One thing I haven't always been sure about is what I want. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to settle and have kids and others I just wanted to be alone and continue to mess around. I guess it varied with what was going on in my romantic life at the time. In the past few years, I've seen two of my friends get married and have kids. Genuinely happy for them but it hit home really hard at the last wedding I attended that ultimately that is exactly what I want in life. This isn't a knee jerk reaction to these weddings. My friends getting married and seeing it has just nailed that it's what I want.

 

I have found it difficult to meet women in everyday life, mainly relying on social media or dating sites. I'm not the type to approach a girl at a bar, unless its blatantly obvious.

 

So, a little background for you there. So onto my current situation I find myself in.

 

We matched on Tinder, and if I remember rightly she messaged first. We spoke on there for a a day or two and then moved onto texting. She seemed extremely keen and at first I was certainly indifferent about it. We texted daily for about a week. Conversation flowed great, spoke in great depth an detail about things, even getting down to the deep stuff. I asked her out but timing of things meant that the first free night we had for the date was a couple of weeks away. It kinda sucked but that's just how it was, I had free time inbetween then but with my travel to work and things I didn't want to go out during the week. We continued texting and chatting away, the texts escalated to phone to some phone chats and we just clicked chatting on the phone. The conversation started to get deeper and deeper as the days started ticking by talking about our aspirations and ambitions and what we both wanted in life.

 

We were texting one day and she just asked me to meet. We still had about a week to the originally scheduled date but obviously it had gotten to the point where we really wanted to meet each other. So we met up that day, had a little walk around the beach, and went to her house afterwards for a chat and some tea! It was a nice evening, the conversation flowed just as much in person and never dried up. We had a kiss and a cuddle towards the end of the night and off I left. I was in a taxi ride home and she texted me almost instantly. For the first time in years, I had that gooey feeling in my stomach. It was obviously early days, however I was cautiously optimistic that I may be onto something here.

 

For the next week before the date, we just as chatty as ever, continuing on. As it turns out, we were both nightshift that week so during quiet spells we would have more deep chats. And as if by magic, we discovered that our routes home after work crossed paths. I was on my way home one morning and she asked if I wanted to go for coffee. We had both just finished work and if I am being honest I kinda just wanted to go home and get to bed but I didn't want to say no. We met for an hour or so over coffee and then went our seperate ways home.

 

The next day was date time. We met up, she looked amazing in all honesty. We went bowling and had some drinks, it was all touchy feely and lovely. We both got pretty drunk and had a good laugh.

The first game of bowling we played, I won with ease. The next game though, you couldn't write the script. In the end, she hit a strike (and the only strike from both of us over the games) with her last go and we drew the game. It was a nice poignant moment, like it was meant to happen exactly like that. We hit a couple of bars afterwards and ended up in a nightclub dancing away to some retro 80's tunes.

 

We went back to hers, had sex almost literally all night. She showered me with compliments, telling me how attractive she found me and she had a really special feeling about us and all that jazz. Saying all the right things. Great, I felt the same way. She told me she told her best friend about me which I took to be a good positive sign. I am clearly feeling emotionally involed now, and its clear to me I really like this girl. We scheduled the next date for a few days after. She is going to cook dinner then we are heading to the cinema.

 

She says all the right things, is very complimentary and in all honesty does seem really into me. She told me she wasn't seeing anyone else. Honestly for the first time in a long long time, not only did I have the gooey feeling back in my stomach, I feel like I could fall in love with this girl.

 

But there was something I noticed. We were just laying in her bed the day after. She picked up her phone, there was missed calls from a couple of guys, what appeared to be text messages and some snapchats. I knew she has some guy mates, but I don't think it was them, the names were different. Just the way we were laying cuddling I could see. I wasn't being nosey but curiosity got the better of me so I had a glance, She didn't open the messages from the guys and almost sort of turned her phone to the side a little just to try hide them. She only opened just the one from her sister and mother asking her how her date went. I didn't react,or anything and just let it be. She was showing me some pictures later on of her family and stuff and I couldn't help but notice the notifications were all gone, she obviously had read them when I went to the toilet or something.

 

Now I just have this feeling in my stomach that there is more to it. I don't feel like it's my place to bring it up or ask about it, its not as if we are officially a couple yet. Technically she is a single woman and is entitled to do whatever she likes. And of course I am far from innocent here, I am talking to other girls too although I have zero interest in taking any of those further, I like this girl.

 

Just looking for some opinions and advice here. I've tried to explain it to the best of my abilities so hopefully you have a good picture of where we are. I just don't want to get further involved emotionally and then get burned again. It could just be my insecurities burning up. It could literally be nothing in it at all and maybe she just didn't want me to think that there is stuff going on. I don't know what to think and it's all I can think about. Quite frankly its frustrating me.

 

Thanks in advance.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're over-thinking it.

 

You met her on Tinder, so I would assume she is being contacted by or chatting with other guys. That's the name of the game. By your own admission, you're talking to other women too. How do you know that she also doesn't have any serious intentions with the others?

 

You also don't know who these other messages were from. Remember that you barely know her. They could be coworkers, cousins, an annoying ex, or friends you don't know about. Even if they are other guys with an interest in her, see the paragraph above.

 

Relax. See how the next few weeks go. Stay confident that if she likes you as much as you like her, she will naturally start to exclude other options.

[JessePinkman]

How do you know that she also doesn't have any serious intentions with the others?

 

Relax. See how the next few weeks go. Stay confident that if she likes you as much as you like her, she will naturally start to exclude other options.

 

Fair points you make and it is possible I am just over-thinking it but at the same time I might not be.

 

As for that question,to put it simply, I don't know if she has intentions or not.

 

I wish I could relax about it more, I try to keep busy, focus on other things but my mind in the end just goes back to thinking about it.

[Redhead14]

She told me she wasn't seeing anyone else -- That means she isn't committed/exclusive with anyone. It doesn't mean she isn't dating.

 

 

At this point, it's none of your business who she talks to or why. I don't think it's appropriate to be checking phone messages while in bed with anyone though. That's the worst thing I can say about her at this point.

 

 

You guys are not in an exclusive relationship yet. Don't expect her to behave like she is. However, now that you've been intimate with her, I think you both need to make sure you are on the same page in terms of dating goals. Open a casual conversation about what your dating goals are overall. If you're looking for a long-term committed relationship and she's dating casually, you two on not on the same page from the get go.

[ExpatInItaly]

Fair points you make and it is possible I am just over-thinking it but at the same time I might not be.

 

As for that question,to put it simply, I don't know if she has intentions or not.

I wish I could relax about it more, I try to keep busy, focus on other things but my mind in the end just goes back to thinking about it.

 

She could well be thinking the same thing about you. It's normal early on when you are just getting to know someone, and don't know if they're talking to or seeing other people.

 

The beginning stages of dating inherently involve some emotional risk. Your best bet is to learn to increase your tolerance for uncertainty, and trust that if you see signs that you are not on the same page with her, you will have the confidence to walk away. It won't take long to figure that out.

[JessePinkman]

She told me she wasn't seeing anyone else -- That means she isn't committed/exclusive with anyone. It doesn't mean she isn't dating.

 

 

At this point, it's none of your business who she talks to or why. I don't think it's appropriate to be checking phone messages while in bed with anyone though. That's the worst thing I can say about her at this point.

 

 

You guys are not in an exclusive relationship yet. Don't expect her to behave like she is. However, now that you've been intimate with her, I think you both need to make sure you are on the same page in terms of dating goals. Open a casual conversation about what your dating goals are overall. If you're looking for a long-term committed relationship and she's dating casually, you two on not on the same page from the get go.

 

More fair points. Thanks for the input. I will have that conversation for sure.

[JessePinkman]

She could well be thinking the same thing about you. It's normal early on when you are just getting to know someone, and don't know if they're talking to or seeing other people.

 

The beginning stages of dating inherently involve some emotional risk. Your best bet is to learn to increase your tolerance for uncertainty, and trust that if you see signs that you are not on the same page with her, you will have the confidence to walk away. It won't take long to figure that out.

 

 

She might be thinking that but who knows. I certainly don't.

 

I have no idea how I would learn how to do such a thing. I am usually pretty good at spotting signs and stuff, I have a keen eye for details so I'd like to think I would be able to spot it if we were not on the same page or whatever.

 

I am experienced with dating and stuff but not at building a relationship especially an adult one with serious intentions. It is always at this sort of time that it starts to go wrong because I used to act upon my insecurities. Well I am not acting on them this time I have kept a cool head and I am trying to be open minded on things.

 

Of course you can only build your relationship if you are both on the same page. I will have that casual chat with her tomorrow.

[JessePinkman]

Well here is an update on things;

 

I had the chat with her, I asked her where she seen us going, what she wanted from us etc. She said she wanted the same as what I did, and she could see that future with me. I am no longer worried about this, I believe we are on the same page.

 

I spent 24 hours in her company over Tuesday and Wednesday, starting with a movie night and food, followed by amazing sex numerous times and then we got lunch, went to the arcade and walked around the beach the next day before I headed back home.

 

She has said things like "you need to meet her you will laugh at us both" when talking about her best friend, she mentioned taking me to see her family in another city but also said "we will see in a few months".

 

She told me she is developing feelings and that she can see herself falling for me. She looks lovingly into my eyes and just stares sometimes. She has told me her deepest secrets stuff she hasn't told anyone else. When I am with her I feel amazing, I feel loved, I feel respected but I also feel comfortable and at ease. I have told her things I haven't told anyone else, and I have spoke about my biggest fears and my ambitions and things we want both want to do. We chat all the time whether on the phone or texting and the conversation in person never dries up.

 

I am completely smitten for her, and I am catching feelings. Oh man, I think I am falling in love. This might actually be it...

 

But there was one thing she did also say;

"I just dont want to get ahead you know. We have only met a few times. Very early days and still getting to know each other"

 

And it just confuses me. We have had 5 dates, I have spent 24 hours in her company. She isn't wrong but then why tell me all the she has told me. It makes me feel worried and scared. Why is she telling me all these things, making future plans etc then conflicting it with this.

 

Now I honestly don't know what to think. I think this is what the feeling in my gut is, its more of an anxious, scared feeling more than anything else.

 

I can't handle the confusion well at all. My mind goes at 100mph constantly.

 

Help

[kendahke]

Fair points you make and it is possible I am just over-thinking it but at the same time I might not be.

 

then adjust your aim and look elsewhere. This girl isn't the one if you'd rather invest in overthinking her.

 

As for that question,to put it simply, I don't know if she has intentions or not.

 

I wish I could relax about it more, I try to keep busy, focus on other things but my mind in the end just goes back to thinking about it.

 

Why do you obsess about the unknown instead of finding out for certain so that you have an answer? Light a candle instead of cursing the dark.

 

Yeah, it might not be the answer you want, but it's an answer and you can proceed from that. You can't when you're speculating and binging on "what ifs".

[ExpatInItaly]

But there was one thing she did also say;

"I just dont want to get ahead you know. We have only met a few times. Very early days and still getting to know each other"

 

And it just confuses me. We have had 5 dates, I have spent 24 hours in her company. She isn't wrong but then why tell me all the she has told me. It makes me feel worried and scared. Why is she telling me all these things, making future plans etc then conflicting it with this.

 

Honestly? She probably senses you're anxious and more emotionally needy than she is, and wants to pace it. She sounds wise.

 

Relax. You think too much and it will be your undoing if you're not careful.

[JessePinkman]

Honestly? She probably senses you're anxious and more emotionally needy than she is, and wants to pace it. She sounds wise.

 

Relax. You think too much and it will be your undoing if you're not careful.

 

I'm trying my best to relax. It will be easier when I am back to work I suppose.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm trying my best to relax. It will be easier when I am back to work I suppose.

 

That suggests you need to stay busier and more distracted so you're not feeding these fears in your head.

 

What do you like to do in your free time?

[smackie9]

IMO you should be considering making it "official". Sex is on the table, so I think it's time to step up. She's already told you she isn't seeing anyone else...that's a hint.

[Logo]

I once dated someone and she wanted to put a label on it within a week. I felt that things were moving at breakneck speed.

 

As for you, don't worry about labels for now; the labels will come naturally, you'll both know when it's time to have the conversation, just like sex and everything else in a relationship. Just be attentive.

 

For now, you need to stop thinking about the other guys or whether or not she likes you like 'that' or not and just keep doing what you were doing on the first and second days. Just be cool. Be yourself. Be calm and stop worrying so much.

 

If you keep obsessing over this, she's going to start seeing a huge neon sign on your forehead that says, "I'm insecure".

 

Relax. Take it easy. Be confident. She already likes you. Just continue getting to know her and show her your interesting, fun and unique sides.

 

And try to invest a little more time in a hobby and some other stuff, too.

 

Don't make her your hobby or project. Be your own self, continue to have ambitions and fun and goals and time for yourself.

 

 

 

 

"And then she pointed to the middle, and she said that is the perfect relationship. You can look to the left, and you can look to the right, and both seas are there, and they can meet in the middle, but they never lose themselves in each other. They're always themselves no matter what."

 

 

 

 

Now, having said all that, if you notice that her level of interest either goes from 99% to -- I don't know -- 40% or if she starts playing hot and cold, then something is up. Just don't get paranoid. You'll recognize these two behaviors when you see them.

Edited September 1, 2018 by Logo

[JessePinkman]

That suggests you need to stay busier and more distracted so you're not feeding these fears in your head.

 

What do you like to do in your free time?

 

I would certainly agree with that. I have been off work this week on annual leave so had alot of free time.

 

I don't do alot, I play games, I play around online, I see my friends occasionally, I go to soccer games with the family. Not much else I can do, I could go to the gym or something but motivation is the issue there. I've been out running a couple of times this week but thats it.

 

It has to be said even when I am doing things, my mind does turn to worrying about things.

[JessePinkman]

IMO you should be considering making it "official". Sex is on the table, so I think it's time to step up. She's already told you she isn't seeing anyone else...that's a hint.

 

I dunno about this, surely that goes against what she was saying about taking our time. I'd be completely fine with it to be honest.

 

I once dated someone and she wanted to put a label on it within a week. I felt that things were moving at breakneck speed.

 

As for you, don't worry about labels for now; the labels will come naturally, you'll both know when it's time to have the conversation, just like sex and everything else in a relationship. Just be attentive.

 

For now, you need to stop thinking about the other guys or whether or not she likes you like 'that' or not and just keep doing what you were doing on the first and second days. Just be cool. Be yourself. Be calm and stop worrying so much.

 

If you keep obsessing over this, she's going to start seeing a huge neon sign on your forehead that says, "I'm insecure".

 

Relax. Take it easy. Be confident. She already likes you. Just continue getting to know her and show her your interesting, fun and unique sides.

 

And try to invest a little more time in a hobby and some other stuff, too.

 

Don't make her your hobby or project. Be your own self, continue to have ambitions and fun and goals and time for yourself.

 

 

 

 

"And then she pointed to the middle, and she said that is the perfect relationship. You can look to the left, and you can look to the right, and both seas are there, and they can meet in the middle, but they never lose themselves in each other. They're always themselves no matter what."

 

Now, having said all that, if you notice that her level of interest either goes from 99% to -- I don't know -- 40% or if she starts playing hot and cold, then something is up. Just don't get paranoid. You'll recognize these two behaviors when you see them.

 

 

 

Thanks for the advice.

[JessePinkman]

Welp, just off from a phone call.

 

We were just chatting away like always then she says

 

"Aww I have to say it" then I said "say what?" "I'm scared to say it" she says.

 

I said "Say it in person, and only if its what you truly feel - whatever it is you are talking about" even though its clearly the L word.

 

She's talking about the L word, right?

 

She has had her fair share of issues in the past, and this has moved quickly but I can't help thinking what she is feeling is infatuation and not the big L. At least my instant thought.

 

We haven't even had the boyfriend/girlfriend chat etc and of course theres me thinking I don't know if she even likes me. Hahaha. Bit of a mess.

[Logo]

Welp, just off from a phone call.

 

We were just chatting away like always then she says

 

"Aww I have to say it" then I said "say what?" "I'm scared to say it" she says.

 

I said "Say it in person, and only if its what you truly feel - whatever it is you are talking about" even though its clearly the L word.

 

She's talking about the L word, right?

 

She has had her fair share of issues in the past, and this has moved quickly but I can't help thinking what she is feeling is infatuation and not the big L. At least my instant thought.

 

We haven't even had the boyfriend/girlfriend chat etc and of course theres me thinking I don't know if she even likes me. Hahaha. Bit of a mess.

 

 

It's not a mess. A few posts up you were as infatuated with her as you presume -- from the phone call -- she is in you now.

 

So, just roll with it. Go with the flow.

Edited September 2, 2018 by Logo

[ExpatInItaly]

We were just chatting away like always then she says

 

"Aww I have to say it" then I said "say what?" "I'm scared to say it" she says.

 

I said "Say it in person, and only if its what you truly feel - whatever it is you are talking about" even though its clearly the L word.

 

She's talking about the L word, right?

 

Maybe, but maybe not. Perhaps she just wants to tell you she really likes you and wants to be exclusive and be your girlfriend. Maybe she wants to ask you not to date or anyone else because she doesn't want to either, anymore.

 

Given that she wanted to take things slowly, I would be very surprised if she tells you she loves you after just a few dates.

[JessePinkman]

Maybe, but maybe not. Perhaps she just wants to tell you she really likes you and wants to be exclusive and be your girlfriend. Maybe she wants to ask you not to date or anyone else because she doesn't want to either, anymore.

 

Given that she wanted to take things slowly, I would be very surprised if she tells you she loves you after just a few dates.

 

I think it is love, she was mega hinting throughout texts today. If she brings that up, I'll be honest with her, but also, i'll bring up the bf/gf chat.

[damni]

It all sounds good to me sounds like you both click. First love at age 27 eh, enjoy it.

[JessePinkman]

She told me she loves me. I told her I love her.

 

I then brought up the bf/gf chat, and was met with a rather harsh response..

 

"lets just go with the flow"

 

 

I am confused. I feel hurt. I tell her I am confused, she is conflicting things. One minute shes telling me she can see a future with me, the next she is telling me she wants to go slow and we have just to go with the flow. She said sorry she didn't mean to confuse me. Then like the idiot I am, I wanted more answers, so I tried to dig deeper and now I think I've ruined it. I apologised for being dumb, she is right it is early doors and we should just go with the flow but she shouldn't be sending me mixed messages surely? She can't possibly love me, and yet still want to go slow and "get to know me" right? Even if she doesn't mean to confuse me.

 

She hasn't spoke to me much today, which is strange in itself because we talk on the phone/text alot. I know she had plans with her friends, but she does usually talk more.

 

I think I've ruined it. Again. I actually hate myself sometimes. I've done this previously and ruined potential relationships. Yes I know I obviously have issues, I am trying my best to work through these issues. It's difficult. At the same time, I've also been lead on a few times and I was right to question things when I did previously. It does feel similar in that sense, she is saying the same sort of things as the previous girls - but the difference is, previously the girls would never talk about the future, or tell me how they feel about me and all that stuff, this girl is doing that.

 

I have no idea what to do next, I feel like complete ****.

 

Edited September 4, 2018 by JessePinkman

[damni]

She told me she loves me. I told her I love her.

 

I then brought up the bf/gf chat, and was met with a rather harsh response..

 

"lets just go with the flow"

 

 

I am confused. I feel hurt. I tell her I am confused, she is conflicting things. One minute shes telling me she can see a future with me, the next she is telling me she wants to go slow and we have just to go with the flow. She said sorry she didn't mean to confuse me. Then like the idiot I am, I wanted more answers, so I tried to dig deeper and now I think I've ruined it. I apologised for being dumb, she is right it is early doors and we should just go with the flow but she shouldn't be sending me mixed messages surely? She can't possibly love me, and yet still want to go slow and "get to know me" right? Even if she doesn't mean to confuse me.

 

She hasn't spoke to me much today, which is strange in itself because we talk on the phone/text alot. I know she had plans with her friends, but she does usually talk more.

 

I think I've ruined it. Again. I actually hate myself sometimes. I've done this previously and ruined potential relationships. Yes I know I obviously have issues, I am trying my best to work through these issues. It's difficult. At the same time, I've also been lead on a few times and I was right to question things when I did previously. It does feel similar in that sense, she is saying the same sort of things as the previous girls - but the difference is, previously the girls would never talk about the future, or tell me how they feel about me and all that stuff, this girl is doing that.

 

I have no idea what to do next, I feel like complete ****.

 

 

She is playing a power game at the moment, I would not get swept up in her game playing and take a step back. No contact, let her come to you and put your walls up.

 

She will either come back or disappear which will say everything.

 

There are loads of women out there, lots who will not play games so if she is not the one...then move on.

[JessePinkman]

She is playing a power game at the moment, I would not get swept up in her game playing and take a step back. No contact, let her come to you and put your walls up.

 

She will either come back or disappear which will say everything.

 

There are loads of women out there, lots who will not play games so if she is not the one...then move on.

 

Power game huh. Interesting. Why would she do that? Does she even realise that she is doing that? No contact will be extremely hard but I think I can do that.

 

I know there are loads, but I've been trying to make something work for 10 years now, and I am getting no further. People said it comes to you when you don't expect it or are looking for it...well I've tried that also.

 

It just sucks.

[ExpatInItaly]

So she loves you but doesn't want to be your girlfriend?

 

Forget her. She doesn't take the word love very seriously and doesn't appear to have much consideration for your feelings. It may be something she says to keep a guy hooked while she continues to play around.

 

You haven't ruined anything, though, because I don't think there was a solid basis here anyway. This girl turned out to be a dud. Toss her back and find someone who is consistent, mature and supports her words with actions.