FoundMyStrength Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 After a year, I thought it improbable. Then I got to two years a week ago, and I thought to myself, I'm one of the lucky ones. He never came back And then he texted me. To tell me (in coded language, so who knows) that his marriage is over and I can go ahead and contact him again if I want. I'm in utter shock. They really do believe that we sit around waiting for them for years. My life has moved forward. It's changed so much. New city, new job, start of a great career, new partner, new everything. I feel sick, literally nauseated. 1
BaileyB Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 Are you planning to respond to him, or will you stay NC?
Author FoundMyStrength Posted August 26, 2018 Author Posted August 26, 2018 Are you planning to respond to him, or will you stay NC? No, I can't. That experience destroyed me. I just feel a sense of shock. I read all those posts about "they always come back" and I guess I thought they were an exaggeration. It's like he doesn't see the path of destruction. As though time stood still while he worked on and then dismantled his marriage. What do they want from us when they come back so long after it ended? 1
minimariah2 Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 What do they want from us when they come back so long after it ended? rebound. comfort. if he REALLY is getting a divorce - he's alone. lonely. going through a rough time. so he reached out to the first person he thought would respond. that's all there is to it. 4
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 27, 2018 Posted August 27, 2018 No, I can't. That experience destroyed me. I just feel a sense of shock. I read all those posts about "they always come back" and I guess I thought they were an exaggeration. It's like he doesn't see the path of destruction. As though time stood still while he worked on and then dismantled his marriage. What do they want from us when they come back so long after it ended? If his marriage was over, why the need to text in code? A normal person would just call you up and ask to have coffee with you, feel the situation out. I'm sure not much has changed and you would do best to not respond and keep going forward with your life. And it's not just you. I was involved with a guy who was separated but could not file those papers, and I was pretty sure he was back living with her, so I ended it in 2005. He texted me in late 2017 to say he still thinks about me all the time, blah blah blah. He sent me a Linked In request as well. I did not respond to either. I'm married now with kids but even if I was single, this guy put me through hell and back, plus his FB page shows him as married. I think they do it for ego keebles and to see if you are still weak, maybe they can get some free sex from the sad, pathetic other woman who buys their lies. 3
FMW Posted August 27, 2018 Posted August 27, 2018 Sorry to hear that, it's so discouraging. You think you've fought your way out of the dark and then boom. Stay strong, keep ignoring him. 2
Author FoundMyStrength Posted August 27, 2018 Author Posted August 27, 2018 Are you planning to respond? No, I spent so much time getting over him and moving forward and finding a way, hard as it was, to forgive myself. There's no going back. 1
Author FoundMyStrength Posted August 27, 2018 Author Posted August 27, 2018 Sorry to hear that, it's so discouraging. You think you've fought your way out of the dark and then boom. Stay strong, keep ignoring him. This was exactly the way I described it to a friend. I was in a grocery store buying bread of all things. Then BOOM, right there in the bread aisle, he's back. 1
Author FoundMyStrength Posted August 27, 2018 Author Posted August 27, 2018 If his marriage was over, why the need to text in code? A normal person would just call you up and ask to have coffee with you, feel the situation out. Very good point, hadn't thought of that. I assumed the code was an attempt to get me all sentimental (it was a meaningful word from the summer we met). But, yeah, why wouldn't he outright say it? Fishy. 2
jah526 Posted August 27, 2018 Posted August 27, 2018 He also says the marriage is “over”. Doesn’t say divorced. Over could mean many things... divorced, separated, over in his mind, over for as long as it takes to convince you to come back... These guys, they’re a weaselly bunch. 1
Vivir Posted August 27, 2018 Posted August 27, 2018 First, LOL at the bread aisle reference. Signifies you're into loaves now, Finding My Way, not breadcrumbs! In fact, with all that you have now, you are literally (and figuratively) surrounded by bread loaves! (Gosh, I love this bunny so much) And friends don't let friends respond to lazy communication. Former lovers who were married when you all were together have to come back much, much stronger in order to get a response. I mean, calling (not texting), and then being up front (that is, the opposite of vague and coded) and willing to produce documentation at will is a start. "You can now call if you want to" after two years NC is not worthy of being laughable. Block, delete. I'm sorry this person interrupted your life again, but I am so happy you are doing well! 7
Author FoundMyStrength Posted August 28, 2018 Author Posted August 28, 2018 First, LOL at the bread aisle reference. Signifies you're into loaves now, Finding My Way, not breadcrumbs! In fact, with all that you have now, you are literally (and figuratively) surrounded by bread loaves! (Gosh, I love this bunny so much) And friends don't let friends respond to lazy communication. Former lovers who were married when you all were together have to come back much, much stronger in order to get a response. I mean, calling (not texting), and then being up front (that is, the opposite of vague and coded) and willing to produce documentation at will is a start. "You can now call if you want to" after two years NC is not worthy of being laughable. Block, delete. I'm sorry this person interrupted your life again, but I am so happy you are doing well! Thanks, I can finally say I am doing well. And thanks for the breakdown of his (non) behavior. I read his message again and his exact words were that his marriage is "coming to a close." Doesn't sound like paperwork's in hand, lol. It's just so demeaning. Thinking he can snap and I'll come. 1
Author FoundMyStrength Posted August 28, 2018 Author Posted August 28, 2018 He also says the marriage is “over”. Doesn’t say divorced. Over could mean many things... divorced, separated, over in his mind, over for as long as it takes to convince you to come back... These guys, they’re a weaselly bunch. Right on the mark, jah. I looked again and it said "coming to a close." They really will say anything to get you back. My affair was 90% emotional, so my guess is I'm being recruited to help him "process" his divorce. Just like I helped him "process" his dissatisfaction with his life way back when. The h*ll with that. By the way, hope you're doing well jah! 3
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2018 Posted August 28, 2018 Block him so you won't have to read anything else he may send. Any more contact will only make you think about him! You've come a long way so don't let this mess you up.
Author FoundMyStrength Posted August 30, 2018 Author Posted August 30, 2018 Block him so you won't have to read anything else he may send. Any more contact will only make you think about him! You've come a long way so don't let this mess you up. Isn't this the truth. Even this little contact has gotten in my head. Trouble concentrating, memories, feelings. 1
Bufo Posted September 1, 2018 Posted September 1, 2018 This guy wins the award for best typical action proving that rule number one for MM is that it’s easier to keep an AP than it is to find, groom and seduce a new one. His text took little effort and cost nothing. What did he have to lose by sending it to you? Maybe he’d get lucky and strike while you were vulnerable. Please do yourself a big favor. Don’t reply in any way. No new contact means no new hurts. (Pilfered from another site, but totally applicable here) 2
Author FoundMyStrength Posted September 2, 2018 Author Posted September 2, 2018 This guy wins the award for best typical action proving that rule number one for MM is that it’s easier to keep an AP than it is to find, groom and seduce a new one. His text took little effort and cost nothing. What did he have to lose by sending it to you? Maybe he’d get lucky and strike while you were vulnerable. Please do yourself a big favor. Don’t reply in any way. No new contact means no new hurts. (Pilfered from another site, but totally applicable here) Yeah, it's almost like they have a playbook. Also, I'm still baffled by the weird assumption that I've just been sitting around waiting for him to give me the go-ahead to text. FOR TWO YEARS. 1
CKJD Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 Give yourself A HUGE pat on the back, OP! You did great! I don't know you from a bar of soap but I am super proud of you. This says so much about your recovery and growth
FMW Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 Also, I'm still baffled by the weird assumption that I've just been sitting around waiting for him to give me the go-ahead to text. FOR TWO YEARS. Having another woman so into them and willing to settle for the crumbs they offer while they have a wife at home waiting for them is probably a huge ego boost for them. Even though my xMM asked me sometimes why I loved him I still saw the cockiness in him.
jenkins95 Posted September 3, 2018 Posted September 3, 2018 I'm so proud of you FMS! This must have hit you like a slap in the face - a "Boom" as you say. But all your posts show just how well you are sticking to your username - you have indeed found your strength. You are an admirable, strong woman - one of the good guys. I was very impressed with your posts when you first started posting at the height of your pain all those months ago, and I am doubly so now. And allow yourself a little ego boost - he broke NC - not you, he came crawling - not you. Your non-response demonstrates that you have the power, you are in the driving seat, you don't need him, you have moved on. I'm glowing with pride for you (((FMS)))! BTW, will you (or have you already) simply not respond? Or will you send him a "not interested" reply? I would advise the former - best not let that door appear to open even a crack. Thinking of you, you star! 1
Author FoundMyStrength Posted October 7, 2018 Author Posted October 7, 2018 I'm so proud of you FMS! This must have hit you like a slap in the face - a "Boom" as you say. But all your posts show just how well you are sticking to your username - you have indeed found your strength. You are an admirable, strong woman - one of the good guys. I was very impressed with your posts when you first started posting at the height of your pain all those months ago, and I am doubly so now. And allow yourself a little ego boost - he broke NC - not you, he came crawling - not you. Your non-response demonstrates that you have the power, you are in the driving seat, you don't need him, you have moved on. I'm glowing with pride for you (((FMS)))! BTW, will you (or have you already) simply not respond? Or will you send him a "not interested" reply? I would advise the former - best not let that door appear to open even a crack. Thinking of you, you star! Hi Jenks - Your posts have always inspired me. I had always felt like our stories shared overlap. Until now. I did reach out. Not to start things or be friends, but because I wanted to see if he ended up okay. I know that's not a popular view on here, but I needed to know and he implied in his message that he was getting divorced. What I found out, jenkins, is that our stories do diverge. I have so much more respect for you and your decisions. My xMM is still married and is reaching out because he's a few weeks away from being in the same situation as when we met. Alone in the U.S. while his wife remains abroad many thousands of miles away. I guess I am to be his special friend while he's lonely and can't get caught texting me. I am heartbroken not bc I wanted anything more. But because I thought he was honorable like you. I really thought he would do the right thing. So thank you jenks for setting a standard of how a truly remorseful xMM should act. Thank you. He's blocked now. 1
jah526 Posted October 7, 2018 Posted October 7, 2018 Hi Jenks - Your posts have always inspired me. I had always felt like our stories shared overlap. Until now. I did reach out. Not to start things or be friends, but because I wanted to see if he ended up okay. I know that's not a popular view on here, but I needed to know and he implied in his message that he was getting divorced. What I found out, jenkins, is that our stories do diverge. I have so much more respect for you and your decisions. My xMM is still married and is reaching out because he's a few weeks away from being in the same situation as when we met. Alone in the U.S. while his wife remains abroad many thousands of miles away. I guess I am to be his special friend while he's lonely and can't get caught texting me. I am heartbroken not bc I wanted anything more. But because I thought he was honorable like you. I really thought he would do the right thing. So thank you jenks for setting a standard of how a truly remorseful xMM should act. Thank you. He's blocked now. Wow. It's good you got your closure. Now you know beyond a doubt who he is. It's possible he's feverishly contacting his list of "others". You may think you're the only one, but really, who knows? I think there is a good deal of cognitive dissonance in most OW (myself included), that we can hold the notion that he's being dishonest to his wife and ALSO believe that he's an honorable person. I have to say that the post I read here that had the biggest impact on me was from a MM himself who knew how to game women. The ones who came back after he'd pushed boundaries were the ones he knew he could manipulate. I'm really trying to be aware of this behavior in myself, and not be the one who keeps coming back for the millionth time after being burned every time before. In all my relationships. I'm also starting to realize that these guys (especially mine) LOVE this sick game. They could play it forever.
Author FoundMyStrength Posted October 8, 2018 Author Posted October 8, 2018 Wow. It's good you got your closure. Now you know beyond a doubt who he is. It's possible he's feverishly contacting his list of "others". You may think you're the only one, but really, who knows? I think there is a good deal of cognitive dissonance in most OW (myself included), that we can hold the notion that he's being dishonest to his wife and ALSO believe that he's an honorable person. I have to say that the post I read here that had the biggest impact on me was from a MM himself who knew how to game women. The ones who came back after he'd pushed boundaries were the ones he knew he could manipulate. I'm really trying to be aware of this behavior in myself, and not be the one who keeps coming back for the millionth time after being burned every time before. In all my relationships. I'm also starting to realize that these guys (especially mine) LOVE this sick game. They could play it forever. Thanks, jah, for not tearing me down for contacting him. I think I really did need closure, either from finding out he was legit and okay or finding out he was just another MM who was lonely and out to use me. Again. I am so sad to find out the latter. Like I said, I have a partner and a new career and so many good things in my life. I know that this xMM's actions do not define me. But I had the cognitive dissonance you described -- I wanted to believe that he had stayed away for 2 years -- 2 years!!! -- because he was a good man who made a big mistake. Like jenks has described his mistakes. I wanted to believe. You're right. Now I know who he is. Who he was.
Vivir Posted October 8, 2018 Posted October 8, 2018 Unfortunately, it seems that Jenkins is in the minority, here and in real life. We should be assuming that, though, right? Whether or not it is true, the assumption is a self-protective measure. Guilty until proven innocent Furthermore, FMS, you (and all of us) have to do what we feel is best in our personal situations. I did the "wrong" thing when I opened the door and let xMM into my home when he showed up at 0300 in the morning last year... we get to where we need to be eventually. I didn't feel right calling the police or not answering the door. Unlike you, at that time, I still had HIGH hopes that he would come for me, that he really loved me or at least cared... Like jah, I am glad you were able to gain some closure here. He's blocked now, and it is over! Moving on (oh yes, the lovable bunny is back again! I mean, this bunny jumps up and down for joy - for YOU - and then does the adorable tumble - that part is for me LOL. I love it)
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