Feeling Foolish and Struggling

[Cupid's Puppet]

I just hate that this past relationship exposed my inner fool.

 

Background: I met this guy on vacation, and I wasn't looking for much. We exchanged information; we hung out one night (no sex), and there seemed to be an immediate connection. I brought him something the next day because I thought he made me feel so special, and I wasn't looking for anything in return. The last night I was on vacation we spent talking into the wee hours.

 

Once I returned home, I got a text from him saying he wished he had followed me to my home state. I couldn't believe what I read. All I could think was this guy must be trying to run away from something. We stayed connected and talked a lot. Every day and night we talked on the phone and sometimes we had video calls. He even let me chat with his mother at one time.

 

He started filling my head up with marriage and kids, something I had given up hope for. He discussed children names with me and everything. He was eager to see me in person, but I wanted him to wait 2 months since I was dealing with so much at the time. He was also dealing with some stuff. His parents were divorcing. He had to move since his dad was selling the house. And then he moved in with some other relatives and had a sick grandmother who had cancer (this cancer thing is key to how I was humiliated in the end). He also had financial woes.

 

Almost 2 months after we met, he flew out to see me. I had to work while he visited, so sadly we didn't really go out. First night was ruined because he got too drunk (my friend brought a bottle of Crown). His drunkenness led to something that pissed me off, so I had no plans to take him anywhere the next day, but we did end up having sex that night, and the next night, and the next day. Before he came he talked about impregnating me, but I just wasn't ready to have a kid with him so soon.

 

When he was here, he told me he applied to two jobs, so we could be together. Two weeks later, he sent me an email showing one recruiter wanted to interview him. The week after that, he sent me another email about the other job wanting to move forward with the process and request for a background investigation.

 

It was looking like this guy was serious about moving with me and starting a future together. But I could feel him fading away. Sometimes he wouldn't answer my phone calls, and eventually he stopped answering them altogether and told me to start texting him, reason being he was in the hospital with his grandmother. The sick grandmother was always the excuse for this sudden sparse communication. Then he got a job out there; he said it would help him get enough money to move to my state. Each day I would still get texts like "good morning", "miss you", "love you much", etc. But this would be like twice a day. I really don't think you can build a relationship over texting, especially early in the relationship.

 

One day he didn't answer my calls again, and I decided to leave a voicemail asking what I did and how I wish he could just end it properly. He texted me a response after listening to the voicemail, and I was thinking why didn't he just call me back. So I texted asking if we could talk later. He agreed. He called back near midnight his time (5 hours later). We had a long conversation, and I told him it is okay if he wanted to end things but just don't ghost on me. Don't feel like you should be obligated to stay with me to spare my feelings. He told me he just wasn't talking because he felt he would be talking about the same thing all the time (his sick grandmother and how his family was struggling). I told him that doesn't bother me. He said he did realize that he wasn't giving me attention but that he thought I understood the reason before and that he will make more of an effort to talk to me.

 

But the effort remained the same...I didn't want to pull the plug because he was still talking about his grandmother and cancer, and I wanted to be sympathetic to the situation. He also texted me one day talking about he worked a 16-hour shift. Eventually I grew tired of this. I realized this was not a relationship, and this "busy life" of his could go indefinitely. The last morning he texted me "Good morning, -pet name-". I said good morning back and didn't hear from him the rest of the day. That night I texted "what's up?" I waited an hour and received no response.

 

What I did after I kinda regret. I couldn't call him because he had stopped answering my calls weeks prior. So I texted him saying we should end it because we were no longer talking. I didn't get a response...and it has been over a week now. First I was worried, then I panicked, then I accepted that I was ghosted. I have no idea if he ghosted before or after my text. I feel foolish believing he wanted to be with me. Just two days before he was texting about us achieving our dreams together. The day before that, he texted that he couldn't wait to be with me for good.

 

I didn't expect him to vanish like that, especially since he said he would never leave me in that way. It has been so hard to process. I have been having trouble concentration, eating, sleeping, and yesterday I bled from all this stress. I don't want a ghoster back. I just hate that he occupies my thoughts still from the moment I wake up.

 

I am so embarrassed that someone thought I was so worthless he couldn't break up with me; he made me break up with myself .

[Cupid's Puppet]

I'm sorry I wrote a whole thesis. I had been wanting to get these thoughts out for so long.

 

TL;DR: I met a guy on vacation. He said he wanted to plan a future with me. We were high off each other, he flew to see me, and applied to jobs where I lived. Eventually he started fading away but blamed it on caring for his sick grandmother. I realized I couldn't handle getting hardly any phone calls in a LDR especially early in the relationship. After only getting one text from him a day, I decided to end things one night over a text because he no longer was answering my calls. He ghosted me. I feel like a nincompoop. It was just a summer fling. The end.

[d0nnivain]

He didn't break up with you because he thought you were worthless. He broke up with you because he's a charlatan. Healthy people don't relocate to somebody they just met on vacation or start talking about marriage & kids. The idea that he would impregnate you the first times you had sex after only knowing each other for 2 months tells me he has a screw lose. Between his parents' divorce, having to find a new place to live because he lived at home & his sick grandmother you were a fantasy escape route. Please don't let his immature rudeness be a commentary about you. All in all you dodged a bullet with this guy. He was no where ready financially or maturely to be a good BF, let alone a husband or father.

[Cupid's Puppet]

He didn't break up with you because he thought you were worthless. He broke up with you because he's a charlatan. Healthy people don't relocate to somebody they just met on vacation or start talking about marriage & kids. The idea that he would impregnate you the first times you had sex after only knowing each other for 2 months tells me he has a screw lose. Between his parents' divorce, having to find a new place to live because he lived at home & his sick grandmother you were a fantasy escape route. Please don't let his immature rudeness be a commentary about you. All in all you dodged a bullet with this guy. He was no where ready financially or maturely to be a good BF, let alone a husband or father.

 

d0nnivain, I just want to say I have appreciated your thoughts ever since I joined this forum about 4 years ago. No matter how long a post is, you take time to read it, and give a person really good feedback to help him or her move on. You are a great individual. I mean that sincerely.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you.

 

Seriously though. Chalk him up to a summer fling. He's not a referendum on your whole life. Stop giving him that much power.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, this guy ain't playing with a full deck.

 

After having spent a couple nights with you on a holiday, he started talking about marriage and kids and getting you pregnant. Healthy, rational and stable adults do not do this. The next time you encounter a guy like that, turn around and run. It's a warning flag. He's either living in a fantasy world, or he's on the rebound and trying to fill the void an ex left behind.

 

Add to that the fact that he started avoiding your calls, and he was well on his way to chasing the next shiny object. My guess is that he has met someone local and doesn't want her to find out about you by seeing your calls come through.

 

You're not worthless, and you should not regret ending it the way you did. He didn't deserve more. The best lesson to take away from this is to avoid men who seem to dive in head-first; they almost always bail just as quickly. It's not a reflection of your worth at all - it's a reflection of his immaturity and insincerity.

[Redhead14]

He didn't break up with you because he thought you were worthless. He broke up with you because he's a charlatan. Healthy people don't relocate to somebody they just met on vacation or start talking about marriage & kids. The idea that he would impregnate you the first times you had sex after only knowing each other for 2 months tells me he has a screw lose. Between his parents' divorce, having to find a new place to live because he lived at home & his sick grandmother you were a fantasy escape route. Please don't let his immature rudeness be a commentary about you. All in all you dodged a bullet with this guy. He was no where ready financially or maturely to be a good BF, let alone a husband or father.

 

 

 

 

This is spot on, OP. Any guy who goes over the top early, is either "an instant" relationship seeker and a parasite or is just a hot mess.

 

 

This was not about you being worthless. It's not you, it's him

[Cupid's Puppet]

Thank you guys. My family and friends have been telling me things similar. I just have to really accept the fact that it was not about me. I do have to accept my role in it. I wanted to believe in love at first sight, and I thought wow too good to be true. It gets so hard being alone and my property was getting vandalized, so I was also living in lala land. I was hoping that I had finally found a good man in my life who could be my protector, and I behaved recklessly with my heart and my body.

 

I think today just started out really emotional because I am still so ashamed, and after bleeding yesterday, I am sad I am involuntarily destroying my health over this. I love myself, and I just hate that I am not healing properly and now my body is showing me that I am not caring for it properly due to this stress.

[Redhead14]

I love myself -- Say that to yourself once every hour during day! Chalk this up to a lesson learned on life's journey. Get out and do something nice for yourself. Something all about you right now. Do something nice for yourself every day -- a nice walk, a cup of tea in the yard, buy yourself something you've been wanting (without breaking the bank . Get your nails done, put your hair up, put on something nice.

 

And, tell yourself what you'd tell your sister or best friend if they came to you with this story. I bet you'd tell them to shake it off and get on with their lives.

 

 

 

He doesn't deserve to have this much affect on you. Take your power back!

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you guys. My family and friends have been telling me things similar. I just have to really accept the fact that it was not about me. I do have to accept my role in it. I wanted to believe in love at first sight, and I thought wow too good to be true. It gets so hard being alone and my property was getting vandalized, so I was also living in lala land. I was hoping that I had finally found a good man in my life who could be my protector, and I behaved recklessly with my heart and my body.

 

I think today just started out really emotional because I am still so ashamed, and after bleeding yesterday, I am sad I am involuntarily destroying my health over this. I love myself, and I just hate that I am not healing properly and now my body is showing me that I am not caring for it properly due to this stress.

 

How were you bleeding, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Have you had such a symptom before when under stress?

[Redhead14]

How were you bleeding, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Have you had such a symptom before when under stress?

 

 

Yes, the bleeding. OP, did you have unprotected sex with this guy? You may have miscarried. You should consider going to the doctor.

[Cupid's Puppet]

How were you bleeding, if you don't mind me asking?

 

Have you had such a symptom before when under stress?

 

I experienced abnormal vaginal bleeding yesterday. In the past, that has only happened if I was on hormonal medication or started an intense exercise routine.

 

I don't think I ever stressed my body out to the point of bleeding. But I really think I did this time. This summer I have stressed out over my new car, old car, new home, moving, new job position, etc. Someone was vandalizing my property everyday.

 

Then this person who said he wanted to be with me for good turns around and ghosts me a few days later. I am the type of person who always needs an answer. And not being able to wrap my head around this phenomenon has caused me to lose sleep, lose my appetite, breathe shallow (was having panic attacks), crying everyday, etc. I have never been so stressed in my life.

 

Yes, the bleeding. OP, did you have unprotected sex with this guy? You may have miscarried. You should consider going to the doctor.

 

Yes I had unprotected sex, which has me emotional because I put my body in harm's way. There was a time I hated myself and would be telling myself that I deserved this. But this time, I've been crying a lot because I didn't protect myself and my body is hurting. I know this sounds crazy but I cried, told myself sorry, and hugged myself for not caring for myself more.

 

But I had my period 2 days after we had intercourse. So I doubt I got pregnant, and I doubt this was the result of a miscarriage. I didn't even know I bled until I used the restroom. Should I still see a doctor? I haven't spotted today.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes I had unprotected sex, which has me emotional because I put my body in harm's way. There was a time I hated myself and would be telling myself that I deserved this. But this time, I've been crying a lot because I didn't protect myself and my body is hurting. I know this sounds crazy but I cried, told myself sorry, and hugged myself for not caring for myself more.

 

But I had my period 2 days after we had intercourse. So I doubt I got pregnant, and I doubt this was the result of a miscarriage. I didn't even know I bled until I used the restroom. Should I still see a doctor? I haven't spotted today.

 

You should see a doctor anyway for an STI test. Unprotected sex with someone who is virtually a stranger is very risky, so I would make an appointment anyway just to be sure you weren't exposed to anything.

 

The spotting could be unrelated, but I would request an appointment anyway.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I was going to go to the clinic tomorrow, but the window period for testing isn't up. The last time we had sex was only 5 weeks ago. I don't think I have any STIs of a bacteria nature because I took one of those tests for vaginal infections the other day, and there wasn't any change in my Ph based on the test reading. Herpes testing is pointless. I don't have anything to swab. High-risk HPV wouldn't be detected unless I had an abnormal pap smear, and I already had a pap smear this year.

 

But I'll go get tested tomorrow, and get tested again at 13 weeks. If I come up clean, then I hope this experience is a good kick in the butt not to make the mistake again (had already made this mistake with another guy and it didn't teach me a lesson). I'll keep a journal this time, so in the future I can reflect and make sure I don't make the same mistakes.

[Thingsfallapart]

How old are you OP?

 

Sometimes bad things happen to good people and this seems to ring true in your case.

You seem like a good person and you just made a mistake. Please don’t feel disheartened and just put it down to a bad experience. Everyone has those now and again. That’s love and relationships, right?

 

I believe in fate, you have to think that this happened for the best. You dodged a billet and could walk away from this with no life changing problems.

[hippychick3]

Just know that none of this is about you or your value or worth. This guy is a scumbag and not a good person. It's about him and him only. You did nothing wrong other than not seeing all the red flags. Anyone who would try to impregnate someone they barely know is beyond bizarre. It's important to use good judgment and guard your heart until you really know someone in person over a long period of time.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Please don't doubt yourself. Look at it as a life lesson and dodging a bullet.

[ExpatInItaly]

But I'll go get tested tomorrow' date=' and get tested again at 13 weeks. If I come up clean, then I hope this experience is a good kick in the butt not to make the mistake again (had already made this mistake with another guy and it didn't teach me a lesson). I'll keep a journal this time, so in the future I can reflect and make sure I don't make the same mistakes.[/quote']

 

Yes, please do. Let a doctor determine what needs to be tested. You should have a blood test as well.

 

May I ask, without sounding snarky, why you didn't use protection with this guy? You need to get to the bottom of why you took such a big risk for someone you hardly know. Then, hopefully, you won't do it again.

[Cupid's Puppet]

How old are you OP?

 

Sometimes bad things happen to good people and this seems to ring true in your case.

You seem like a good person and you just made a mistake. Please don’t feel disheartened and just put it down to a bad experience. Everyone has those now and again. That’s love and relationships, right?

 

I believe in fate, you have to think that this happened for the best. You dodged a billet and could walk away from this with no life changing problems.

 

I can only hope...And this is embarrassing, but I am over 30. The guy was 22. He claimed he was 22 going on 80 Now I know...he's 22 going on...19? lol

 

Yes, please do. Let a doctor determine what needs to be tested. You should have a blood test as well.

 

May I ask, without sounding snarky, why you didn't use protection with this guy? You need to get to the bottom of why you took such a big risk for someone you hardly know. Then, hopefully, you won't do it again.

 

That's a really good question, and I am not offended. We started off using protection. But we both didn't like the feel, and I thought what the heck. This guy is telling me he wants a future with me, so in my mind, I'm thinking we are going to start a family in a few months so what's the point. He had just gotten circumcised this summer and said he had gotten tested before the circumcision. And well...I believed him.

 

Typing this and I realize how naive I can be. We both definitely needed to mature more, and I am old enough to know better.

 

Update on the bleeding: It was stress, but it was also that time of the month. Stress can cause that disruption. So I'll take it easy on myself. I appreciate all of your responses.

[Redhead14]

I was going to go to the clinic tomorrow, but the window period for testing isn't up. The last time we had sex was only 5 weeks ago. I don't think I have any STIs of a bacteria nature because I took one of those tests for vaginal infections the other day, and there wasn't any change in my Ph based on the test reading. Herpes testing is pointless. I don't have anything to swab. High-risk HPV wouldn't be detected unless I had an abnormal pap smear, and I already had a pap smear this year.

 

But I'll go get tested tomorrow, and get tested again at 13 weeks. If I come up clean, then I hope this experience is a good kick in the butt not to make the mistake again (had already made this mistake with another guy and it didn't teach me a lesson). I'll keep a journal this time, so in the future I can reflect and make sure I don't make the same mistakes.

 

 

Good idea. It will give you peace of mind. Lesson learned. It's not the mistakes we make that define us, it's whether or not we learned from them and recovered. Think of this guy as a stepping stone for knowledge and better experiences in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

Update on the bleeding: It was stress' date=' but it was also that time of the month. Stress can cause that disruption. So I'll take it easy on myself. I appreciate all of your responses.[/quote']

 

It's good that the bleeding has stopped.

 

I would still proceed with STI/HIV screening. You need to, every time you have unprotected sex with a new partner whose sexual history you don't know. Taking his word for it is simply not worth the gamble to your health.

 

Even if you had stayed together, it doesn't preclude you from catching something awful or incurable. You would be wise to talk to a sexual health nurse to sort through your thinking on that.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I went to one of those free clinics. I have to wait two weeks for results.

 

I cannot believe I am suffering right now. I really don't know how to process my feelings. At what point in the relationship did he start feeling this way? How embarrassing. He probably was laughing internally as I entertained his ideas of being with me. It's so scary people act like this. Put on a show of love and vanish the next day. I don't even know who left who is. Was I ghosted before the text or after? Did I send the text on a day his grandmother died? Ugh... I hate this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I doubt he was laughing at you, OP. I think this probably just how he operates and didn't even give it a second thought.

 

People who are that impulsive are rarely thinking of anyone but themselves, really. They satisfy whatever need they have in the moment without truly stopping to consider the ramifications.

 

Also, he's 22. He inherently lacks the maturity and life experience of someone closer to your own age, and probably won't sincerely be ready to settle down for years yet.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I didn't want to start a new thread, but man this breakup has taken a toll on me. People have noticed my drastic weight loss. Normally I would be happy about weight loss. But since I know mine is due to not eating, I am rather ashamed.

 

I am about 3 weeks behind on my work. I really need to pull it together. I am so mad that I am grieving this so hard. I probably would have been over him in a few days if he didn't ghost. People can be so cruel. He's probably laughing, enjoying himself, at the beach drinking out of glass with a mini umbrella, maybe even making love to some new girl right now. And here I am on Loveshack crying about weight loss.

 

I went to a bar today and there were some really nice looking guys. They came over talked to me, invited me to sit with them, and I couldn't for the life of me be my bubbly self. I was acting so cold, so distant. I've actually been approached a few times this week. I really wish I can speed up my recovery and get back to normal. For goodness sakes, it was only a 2 month relationship.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I doubt he was laughing at you, OP. I think this probably just how he operates and didn't even give it a second thought.

 

People who are that impulsive are rarely thinking of anyone but themselves, really. They satisfy whatever need they have in the moment without truly stopping to consider the ramifications.

 

Also, he's 22. He inherently lacks the maturity and life experience of someone closer to your own age, and probably won't sincerely be ready to settle down for years yet.

 

What's sad is that I probably was more nervous about his age than he was about mine. I really did not want to take a chance with him considering the age gap, but he convinced me he was wise beyond his years. There were times I did forget how young he was, until something like pop culture came up. Now that the whole thing exploded in my face, his youth and lack of maturity are so obvious to me now. Water under the bridge.

[ExpatInItaly]

What's sad is that I probably was more nervous about his age than he was about mine. I really did not want to take a chance with him considering the age gap' date=' but he convinced me he was wise beyond his years.[/b'] There were times I did forget how young he was, until something like pop culture came up. Now that the whole thing exploded in my face, his youth and lack of maturity are so obvious to me now. Water under the bridge.

 

You have to start reading actions.

 

A man who is truly wise beyond his years doesn't talk of marriage and babies when he barely knows you. That was confirmation that he is, in fact, as immature as his age might suggest.