Mixed messages / stringing along

[Soccermum73]

Thank you to those taking a moment to read this, I really appreciate it.

 

To keep things short and to the point, I Ended up getting back in touch with an old friend after 20 years.

 

Conversation lead to him asking what I was looking for and & he told me there was someone he was interested in but that she lived over 3000 miles away & he didnt know how things would work.

 

We started talking everyday and he began pursuing me, I figured he wasn't too serious about this other woman seeing that he & I were spending time together and becoming intimate.

 

A few weeks pass and he tells me that this OW is coming to visit him the following month so I supported him in seeing her and tried to end things. It was my fault for not keeping better boundaries & getting better clarification about his real intentions with the OW from the start so I told him to go and figure things out with her. He seemed mad, his response " so, that's it? It's over?". It wasn't what I thought it should have been...all about him doing the right thing and ending things with me to do right by the OW.

 

Over the next week chatting we agreed to try and be friends but he was still flirtatious, we would still cuddle and I asked him to stay with me one night but he declined. The following day he told me how he didn't want to leave me and how attracted he is to me.

 

As the next couple weeks passed things became more difficult, i was really digging him but knew he needed to explore things with this OW. They had some type of connection, I never wanted to know the details but he felt he had to try it. I understood and supported him & the week before she arrived he was obviously going through the emotions because he told me he was sorry for crossing the line & being intimate with me and never wanted to hurt me etc. He said we should take a step back until after the OW was gone and I agreed.

 

Really, he was putting me on the back burner because he wouldn't be able to maintain things with me while she was here. After she left we began chatting a little again and it was very awkward because I was waiting for him to come forward with his decision. He knows I cant just be friends and need time but I'm trying.

 

In the weeks since he has been a little flirtatious, asking if I had tan lines and saying that I was overdressed in my bikini ( why flirt if you have a girlfriend? Or why not apologize for making a comment like that on order to make sure I know where I stand)

 

We've not seen each other since before the other woman arrived, I asked him if he was happy and he said that he likes her a lot but is it enough? He doesn't know. I didn't reach out to him for 2 weeks & then sent him a "wave" via text the other day. He responded the following morning with " hmmm. you unfriend me and then send me a wave?". I told him I unfriended him 6 weeks ago when he posted the first photo of him and the OW together. His reply "ah". Ah? Really??!!?? Would that moment not have been perfect to make things clear about where him and I stand?

 

My question is this and I apologize for rambling but I wanted to provide some back ground details.

 

Why has he not made a point of being VERY clear with me or has he and I'm not paying attention? Why is it that the few times I told him I needed to stop talking to him and move on that he has not supported me in doing so? I would have expected him to tell me I'm a good person and shouldnt have a hard time meeting someone new etc . but he would rather avoid answering me or tells me how much chemistry we have together. He tells me he wants to be friends...was that just his way of letting me down easy?

 

I don't know if he's stringing me along or what? Am I being blind? Why does he avoid giving me closure.

Edited August 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

Why has he not made a point of being VERY clear with me or has he and I'm not paying attention? Why is it that the few times I told him I needed to stop talking to him and move on that he has not supported me in doing so? I would have expected him to tell me I'm a good person and shouldnt have a hard time meeting someone new etc . but he would rather avoid answering me or tells me how much chemistry we have together. He tells me he wants to be friends...was that just his way of letting me down easy?

 

I don't know if he's stringing me along or what? Am I being blind? Why does he avoid giving me closure.

 

Yes. Very much so.

 

This is such typical, by-the-book behaviour of someone who wants Plan B (you) on the back-burner in case Plan A (the long-distance woman) doesn't work out.

 

He isn't cutting it off completely with you because he doesn't want to lose your attention and affection if things fall apart with the other woman. He is more romantically interested in her, and you don't need to "support" him through that. You simply need to let go and understand that it's a lost cause when you're hoping someone will pick you versus another woman. Once you engage in that type of dynamic, you're almost always going to be disappointed because you're devaluing yourself.

 

You also have to realize that other people rarely behave the way we would expect them to. You hold yourself to a respectable standard, but he doesn't do the same for you. A neat and tidy ending would be nice, and courteous, but often doesn't happen in situations like this. I know it's a disappointment, but I would stop waiting around for him and move along.

 

The right man for you doesn't need time to explore another option.

[CKJD]

I'm sorry you've been let down this way, OP.

 

It's hard when intentions aren't clear but I guess the early part of dating somebody is all about exploring whether it's a good fit. It sucks when it doesn't work out but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You stated your intentions clearly and were very respectful to him and his wishes. I'm glad he was honest but I'm a little perplexed by his "so it's over then?" comment. It was unfair of him to expect you to remain on the hook like that.

[BaileyB]

I actually think his intentions have been very clear, you just haven't been willing to fully accept it.

 

He has clearly shown you by his actions that he wanted to explore BOTH options. You allowed him to do that for a while, and it appears he has chosen the other woman.

 

But, he would still like to keep you on the hook as "Plan B." If that is not acceptable to you, you can tell him where to go...

 

Dont waste your time waiting for closure from him - telling you that "you are a good person and he hopes you find someone else." Sure, it would be nice but he is not about to do that... So, you do it for yourself. Make a decision to let this guy go to be with the other woman and move on with your life to find someone who wants you to be his "Plan A."

[Redhead14]

It was unfair of him to expect you to remain on the hook like that.-- She was being unfair to herself for allowing herself to be put on a shelf and allowing someone else to decide what would happen in HER life.

 

 

Op, this was textbook string along. Take it as a lesson learned and keep moving forward. You were just fine before he came along, you will be just fine without him in the picture. All the best you.

[Whodatdog]

Indeed, he's been very clear, you just dont want to see it. You're wanting him to make a decision one way or the other...why would you give him that power over you? Its YOU who needs to make the decision that you are not his back up. Find someone who will make you the most important person in their life.

[Zahara]

Why has he not made a point of being VERY clear with me or has he and I'm not paying attention? Why is it that the few times I told him I needed to stop talking to him and move on that he has not supported me in doing so? I would have expected him to tell me I'm a good person and shouldnt have a hard time meeting someone new etc . but he would rather avoid answering me or tells me how much chemistry we have together. He tells me he wants to be friends...was that just his way of letting me down easy?

 

He has actually been very clear. His inability to commit to you is your answer. Your need to move on has not been supported by him because that would mean cutting himself off from all the benefits without the commitment that has been available to him. Why would he deny you and lose all that? He's not concerned about your emotional wellbeing. He's only concerned about what he can get from you.

 

"Friends" is a way of keeping a foot in the door. It allows him to keep you on the sidelines when he needs you.

 

I don't know if he's stringing me along or what? Am I being blind? Why does he avoid giving me closure.

 

Yes, you are blinded. He avoids closure because he wants you as his fallback plan.

[Soccermum73]

Thank you so much for your replies, it has been very confirming of what I was already thinking. I am doing my best to move on and have began dating other people along with trying to remain friends because I thought that was what he truely wanted.

 

Today he confirmed it's not, or at least not what my idea of friendship is. I thought I would be friendly and text him today, see how things were going. I asked how things were with his girlfriend and he replied "so far so good". In response to that I told him I was happy to hear things were going well with the two of them and that I'm sure things will continue to be. How the conversation goes on was an eye opener because again I am learning that people don't always have the same heart or kindness that I do. This is where I thought most people would comment back that they appreciated the support, thank you for saying that or I know this has been tough but I'm glad we're trying to be friends etc. He asks me if I have a guy and I say " Yes, I'm dating :)". He asks if he's a good guy and I make a joke that "he's terrible... just joking!". From here he texts me " awesome " and " Mr. Right Now".

 

I'm spechless. Here I have gone out of my way to continue being friends, support him in dating someone else and in return I get " Mr. Right Now". Wtf. I don't take that as a joke I take it as an insult to emply that I just have flings or casual relations. He knows me well enough to know what would be acceptable to say and what wouldn't. I'm really not sure how to take it so I tell him that's eas kind of a low blow don't you think?. He texts back that he was being funny. Again, to me someone who was joking would have added "lol" "haha" to the end of that comment. Again, if we are friends why not say something supportive, why not be happy I'm moving on, why not be a decent man and do the right thing. Stand by your girlfriend, respect her and act right.

 

I know what the replies are going to be, I understand hes stringing me along..I'm not giving anything up to him so hes getting nothing more than conversation the last 6 weeks so it's not like he's getting these " benefits" I'm sure are to be mentioned. Disappointed but I'm seeing the light. It wasnt about really being friends it was about being a placecard.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to stop trying to be friendly and support his romantic endeavours. I can't fathom why you're doing that to yourself. It's awkward and it gets you nothing but pain when he doesn't respond the way you think he should.

 

You keep hoping he'll think and act the way you do. You need to stop that, because you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Soccermum73]

True enough, he's made it clear hes not worthy of my time however I do like to learn from my mistakes and gain insight when I can. I will not attempt to reach out to him again and even if he would ever contact me again he will reach a much different person.

[CaliBabe]

OP, you need to stop trying to be friendly and support his romantic endeavours. I can't fathom why you're doing that to yourself. It's awkward and it gets you nothing but pain when he doesn't respond the way you think he should.

 

You keep hoping he'll think and act the way you do. You need to stop that, because you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

THIS! This is correct. He is parading another woman around on social media and is not initiating much contact with you. I am so glad you are gaining more awareness. The attempts at contacting him probably coming off to him as though you are hung up on him. Show him you are not! I hope one day he will regret choosing the other woman. You seem sweet and deserve better.

[BC1980]

I'm spechless. Here I have gone out of my way to continue being friends, support him in dating someone else and in return I get " Mr. Right Now". Wtf. I don't take that as a joke I take it as an insult to emply that I just have flings or casual relations. He knows me well enough to know what would be acceptable to say and what wouldn't. I'm really not sure how to take it so I tell him that's eas kind of a low blow don't you think?. He texts back that he was being funny. Again, to me someone who was joking would have added "lol" "haha" to the end of that comment. Again, if we are friends why not say something supportive, why not be happy I'm moving on, why not be a decent man and do the right thing. Stand by your girlfriend, respect her and act right.

 

I know what the replies are going to be, I understand hes stringing me along..I'm not giving anything up to him so hes getting nothing more than conversation the last 6 weeks so it's not like he's getting these " benefits" I'm sure are to be mentioned. Disappointed but I'm seeing the light. It wasnt about really being friends it was about being a placecard.

 

Your motivations aren't really pure either though. You're not really interested in being his friend and supporting him dating. You're hanging around with another motive. You want him to change his mind and commit to you. I'm sure he realizes all of this, which is why he keeps you around. You're a backup plan and an ego boost.