HSP Dating

[mossycup]

I'm hoping other people will share with me their experiences on this thread.

 

I'm a Highly Sensitive Person and I score 26/27 on the HSP test which means I'm on the far end of sensitivity, if it works that way.

 

You could look back at my history on the site to know my backstory, but right now, this summer, I've been trying to date again. I took a lot of time off after my fiance left me and then another man kind of used me.

 

I'm also in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, so I need to be cautious about dating. I wasn't even sure I should start, since I'm only on step 5, but I felt ready to gently try.

 

However, what I have noticed is that I have been having many upsets. I haven't even reached the stage of having more than one date with a guy, or just having a crush, before I start getting very anxious and sometimes crying and having a meltdown (not in front of the person, but in my own private time).

 

Sometimes I've had to miss work.

 

It doesn't help that most men haven't even called back after what seemed to be a nice date, and the ones who did were very unstable (alcoholic, untruthful, controlling) and that made me anxious of course, but more reasonably so, and I walked away from those.

 

But I still got really stressed out by even the normal guys.

 

Maybe I need to go back to not dating and finish my program. Maybe it's just because I'm sensitive and love is hard for me and no program can fix that. I've never been in a relationship where I didn't experience an intense amount of distraction and upset and suffering. I thought it was getting better, since I feel more stable, but I think that is because I am single.

 

Part of me thinks I should just embrace singleness. I rarely get lonely and I enjoy my own company. My life feels rich, content and stable when I am not dating. I have many wonderful friends, a full social life, absorbing hobbies, a well paying job and I'm not a sex addict but a love addict, and I actually have a very low sex drive so I don't miss having sex at all. I do miss touch but I'm kind of hippie chick so I can get that from my female friends platonically. Yet I wonder if I am missing out on life? Mainly, I just can't help being a human and being interested in a relationship. So it's hard to just stay single; yet dating seems to be hurting me so much.

 

I'd just like to hear how other sensitive people experience dating.

Edited August 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

I read the title and thought the subject involved Halal Snack Packs (Aussie posters will relate)

 

Could explain more about how your sensitive nature causes problems in relationships?

 

Also, when you are talking about dating, is it online dating you're referring to? Or is it being open to meeting men organically?

[mossycup]

This would be both online and in person.

 

I guess what happens to me is, I can't just relax, I end up obsessing before the date (I'm getting better at managing this). Then after the date, if the guy doesn't call (usually the case) I get super upset. Sometimes I legitimately have a meltdown out of all proportion to some guy. In relationships, sometimes I freak out if a person isn't calling me enough. Breakups take me over a year to recover.

 

I have other friends just date and hook up and break up and whatever and they are sad, but not to the degree of total overwhelm I get.

 

I just can't seem to keep it in perspective. Well, if I work very, very hard I can, but it's a lot of work.

[carhill]

It's usually easier in dating and relationships for HSP women than men due to social perceptions differing between the genders. Usually HSP women do better with caretaker personality men. Regular guys can be perceived as noisy, brusque, rude, abusive by a HSP due to how content is received by the senses where in the world they're just regular guys.

 

BTW, HSP is a sensory thing. Impulses received from the senses are magnified. Back when I was young they didn't have any sort of explanation for that kind of stuff. Anxiety from the overload can present as co-morbid if a person is prone to anxiety.

 

I'm old and have dealt with it for life. When around friends I sense things that no one else has a clue about. They called me Mr. Wizard when a kid due to almost ESP type sensing. Generally it presents as never being surprised by anything. Thousands of examples throughout life, including in dating, marriage, industrial accidents (I work in heavy industry), on the road, at the track, whatever. I always sense stuff coming. That's a double edged sword and can sometimes be debilitating.

 

IMO, a psychologist is likely the best bet. Your wiring isn't going to change. It's how your brain processes the information that you can control. There are tools available. I presume you've read Dr. Aaron's stuff.

[mossycup]

It's usually easier in dating and relationships for HSP women than men due to social perceptions differing between the genders. Usually HSP women do better with caretaker personality men. Regular guys can be perceived as noisy, brusque, rude, abusive by a HSP due to how content is received by the senses where in the world they're just regular guys.

 

BTW, HSP is a sensory thing. Impulses received from the senses are magnified. Back when I was young they didn't have any sort of explanation for that kind of stuff. Anxiety from the overload can present as co-morbid if a person is prone to anxiety.

 

I'm old and have dealt with it for life. When around friends I sense things that no one else has a clue about. They called me Mr. Wizard when a kid due to almost ESP type sensing. Generally it presents as never being surprised by anything. Thousands of examples throughout life, including in dating, marriage, industrial accidents (I work in heavy industry), on the road, at the track, whatever. I always sense stuff coming. That's a double edged sword and can sometimes be debilitating.

 

IMO, a psychologist is likely the best bet. Your wiring isn't going to change. It's how your brain processes the information that you can control. There are tools available. I presume you've read Dr. Aaron's stuff.

 

Yes, I've been thinking that I really need to OWN this trait. Be really clear about what I need to do for myself, and play to my strengths, and don't pretend otherwise. I had a terrible situation of going with someone I had a crush on to a very noise festival and it was horrible. So I need to avoid stuff like that. I also tend to try to hide the trait in case it makes guys not interested. But what I need to do is be upfront about it and the positives; the right guy will value and accept me.

 

A great story: my ex was a mechanic and he said, "You're like a very expensive car. You require a lot of maintenance, but you are top level performance" or something to that effect. It's such a good metaphor and I now use it to explain myself to men, so they understand what they are getting into by dating me.

 

I require care, but if you like me, I'm totally worth it and there are many rewards for the person giving me that care.

 

Also appreciated your assessment about "regular guys". So true. I absolutely cannot date and have zero attraction to almost all alpha males, typical males, tough guys males, some rural type males, almost all gym guys, biker type guys. I really pretty exclusively date geeks, artists and intellectuals, or sometimes a preppy guy/boy next door, if he's very quiet and gentle. Churchy guys are ok too.

[Gretchen12]

It still comes down to communications. I've dated sensitive men. I'm patient and nurturing but unfortunately I'm not a psychic. In person I can read faces and body language really well, I can sense what the other person needs. But when I'm away busy at work, I don't have psychic powers to know that the guy wants me to call him at that moment.

You need to communicate your needs and maybe fix a schedule. We are like animals, we find comfort in routine because routine is predictable. You should discuss these things with your romantic prospect early on, instead of expecting him to just know.

[mossycup]

It still comes down to communications. I've dated sensitive men. I'm patient and nurturing but unfortunately I'm not a psychic. In person I can read faces and body language really well, I can sense what the other person needs. But when I'm away busy at work, I don't have psychic powers to know that the guy wants me to call him at that moment.

You need to communicate your needs and maybe fix a schedule. We are like animals, we find comfort in routine because routine is predictable. You should discuss these things with your romantic prospect early on, instead of expecting him to just know.

 

Agree. Sometimes it feels hard to communicate but it is the best way to go. I feel like most people actually really appreciate it too!