Controlling/protective parent

[slowloris44]

Hello ,

I have been going out with my bf for about over a year now. I am 23 and my bf is 26 .Generally I have kept my relationship private. But nonetheless I love my relationship with my bf. He's a great guy and treats me right, so far so good. My mother knows about my bf and my sister and all of those who I care about the most know about my bf and have met him. On the other hand I tip toe around my dad and only give him short answers about my bf because I know that my dad does not like him. Like at all. He's only met him twice and they haven't said much more than hello and goodbye. My dad says " I dont like him because I dont know him" which is valid.

 

Recently I went on a trip with my bf after my final exams and such and my dad was aware of said trip. When I came home everything was fine , until it wasn't and my dad flipped. But this isn't the first time he's done this, Ive dealt with this over my life. If it wasn't him telling me im not doing enough, good enough , smart enough , extroverted enough or in this case that I am just a bunch of hormones that has sex and goes out with people not up to par for me. As he stated. Usually I brush these things off my shoulder but this time it broke me down. Mainly because for 1. he assumes that I have no control over my body just because I am a woman, and that he is "losing control over me " and 2. he assumes that my bf is not legally here just because he is Hispanic. But funny thing is that we are all Hispanic. This is both a gross and false assumption.

Being that I have gone through many of my dads insulting lectures in my life , I can not say anything to him that changes his mind and in the end I am left riddled with guilt and shame. And this is how it is. He picks on me for something ive shared with him in the past , gives me this huge lecture on how terrible I am , then chimes in with " but you've got some good qualities to you, im not trying to reprimand you " , he leaves it at that, he then later is really nice to me and things are okay for a while , and the cycle continues again. It really makes me sad because I thought if I am open and honest with my dad then he will see that things are okay. I know im not a bad person . I study hard , graduated recently from uni, get good grades, I work part time , I dont smoke or drink or party much, and I plan on going to medical school soon. But all of this negative talk has really broken my heart, I cant be honest with my dad because he'll assume the worst and lying to my dad makes me feel guilty but Im afraid id rather do the latter than to be honest with him. Overall I am hurt that I feel that I cannot bring my bf to my house for him to get to know him more and I am more so grossed out by the fact that my own father thinks that im simply a tool that men use , I dont appreciate that my own father thinks of me this way. Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom? What more can I do.

[d0nnivain]

What does your mom say about all of this?

 

When your father gets upset, you need to get quieter. Raising your voice or reacting makes things worse. No matter what he says, your response needs to be along the lines of I know you love me daddy. Please try to remember that you raised me right. I am a strong smart women. I graduated from university & I've got plans to go to medical school. Please give me some credit. Now tell me what you are so afraid of so I can help you work though it. Meanwhile have your BF over to family dinner or something so he can get to know & impress your father more.

[smackie9]

Sorry but it sounds to me your dad suffers from depression or is bi-polar. What you are going through with your dad I went through with my mom and she's manic. Same thing...going through all these horrible assumptions, and then is sweet as pie afterwards. There is nothing you can do or say, or not say, or not challenge or to challenge it won't make any difference, he is what he is. I'm guessing your mother has had her self esteem pounded down by your father throughout their marriage, she just keeps her mouth shut to avoid the rampage.

 

 

 

I understand your fears, you just don't trust your father. You can give it a few more times to integrate your BF into the family, but if it doesn't work, this is not because of you, this is your dad and his emotional issues.

[Redhead14]

I find it odd that you kept your relationship private. For me that would be a red flag for your boyfriend. Keeping it private would bother me if I were a parent too. You have not been fair to your father either. Of course he's going to be skeptical about someone you are afraid to bring home. When children don't bring their significant others around, it's usually a sign that the children know that the parents won't like that partner for a reason. You never gave him the opportunity to get to know him. I dont like him because I dont know him" which is valid. That is a mature, lucid response.

 

You also need to not engage your father in arguments, etc. Instead, when things are ramping up, you say something like, "Dad, you and mom have been great parents and I love you so much. I feel like I have grown into a strong, independent mature woman and it's hurts me that you are not giving me or you guys credit for that. You don't have to worry so much about me. I'd like it if we could hit the reset button on all this. I'd like it if we invited "Joe" to dinner this weekend and have some nice conversation and really get the "get to know" each other ball rolling.

 

I'd try a softer approach with him to see what happens. Do this a few times at least. Don't just give up after the first try. If you soften things up, he may respond in kind. He's not going to change overnight. You need to stick with that approach for a little while at least. One of you has to "climb down from the tree" you're both in.

 

Besides all that, I think this statement says a lot: that he is "losing control over me ". It may not be about losing control over you. It may be more about "losing his little girl" to a stranger.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sometimes parents become toxic, even as they love us and care for us and do their very best for us.

 

I once refused to bring a gf home to meet my parents ... because for a range of reasons my parents were in this really negative place. (I had siblings who had lots of problems and troubles and my parents would spew to me all kinds of criticism aimed at my siblings.)

 

So what exactly does your dad not like about this guy? Is he less educated than you? ... Is he not working? ... What exactly is the nature of your dad's complaints?

 

I ask this just to check ... because if his complaints are completely irrational, then you must learn to not cower before him ... and stand up for yourself and through gentle language, tell him, "I hear you. I know you love me. But you're wrong, and I am not going to listen to you."

 

You DO have the right not to listen to your dad ... I know that sounds scary ... maybe impossible ... but you do have that power--assuming your dad isn't violent. At some point, to reach a new level, we often have to take our parents off the pedestal, meaning we have to accept that "dad" and "mom" can be as clueless on some matters as anyone else. In which case, you actually shift your understanding ... and stop feeling guilty for living in a way that they complain about.

 

Translation: just because dad may be loud and wrong doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Or another angle: just because you feel guilty or bad after dad talks to you ... doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. And the next step as a adult is to politely discount your dad when he does his thing.

 

Your dad could be getting his own sexual hangups about women triggered by you dating and having sex with someone. Your dad could have his own version of the Madonna-Whore complex going on ... and he can't quite face that his daughter is a sexual being. Some guys genuinely struggle with this.

 

But tell us what exactly his complaints about bf are. I hear him complaining about you ... But does he have anything concrete that he doesn't like about bf, other than that he's allegedly an "illegal"? ...

 

And ... do you think dad would have this complaint if bf were white? Have you dated any white non-Hispanic people before? If so, how did he react then?

 

Sorry to hear of your situation. Doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. You probably just need to take that next step of adulthood where you don't let dad get under your skin and you give yourself full permission to defy him.

[slowloris44]

---first of all thank you all so much for your replies --- to answer some questions ::My mother has done her best in trying to console me over the years and try to be an emotional support over everything. Yes she doesn't aggravate him and needless to say we all walk on egg shells to not do so. So as far as her self esteem I do believe it has been diminished and I would say that mine has as well.

My dads main complaint about my bf is that he thinks that he is arrogant. But I do think that this is because my bf looks intimidating. They haven't said much to each other because for one, my dad puts up a front when he comes over and two, my bf gets intimidated and doesn't say much which makes him look "arrogant" I suppose. But after getting to know him he is a very talkative person. And the other complaint would be that because he was not born here that he assumes that he is not legally here. which I know is false. My bf graduated from uni , is going for his masters and in the mean time he is working full time to save up some money. Its not like he's just bumming it.

In the past my dad said that he would rather see me with someone like a lawyer or doctor but up until recently he told me hed rather see me with someone who is a construction worker or a truck driver who doesn't know much but is willing to learn... And mind you both of those occupations are no less than any other occupation , I understand that these are both demanding jobs. How would I know this ? because my dad has done and continues to work those jobs to this day. So whats the deal with the flip flop in what he thinks he wants for me?

I have brought over my past bfs to my house and there was not much conflict then and I brought this up to my dad as well and he said that it was because I was younger and that he could watch over what I am doing.. Both were lighter in complexion and at the time my dad was more open to talk to them.

I have brought my bf over a couple of times but like I said one puts up a front and my bf gets intimidated and then they dont talk. So should I just keep trying ?

And as far as keeping my relationship private , I meant in the context of not wanting to plaster our faces everywhere on social media( but it doesn't mean that I dont) Everyone knows about my bf. Its just my dad who doesn't care to get to know him even though it bothers him that he doesn't.. Which, again, is very confusing. But overall next time he brings up a rampage Ill just stay quiet although I have done that in the past and he pushes me to argue with him ! all of this seems to me to be a "damned if I do and damned if I dont" situation.

[Lotsgoingon]

Tough situation.

 

Sounds like you're handling things well ... I'm tempted to tell you to just ignore your dad ... on the other hand, some parents "come around" and change their minds gradually. So maybe you're using a gradual strategy.

 

I would say keep honestly talking about your dad's reactions with people you trust ... That will keep you real and keep your honest.

 

There is sometimes a conflict for the person in your position. Basically you don't want to allow your dad to interfere with your relationship ... and if he starts to really interfere with the relationship, and you want to preserve the relationship you will have to take a stand.

 

Just know that ... the worst thing is to date someone and not just have their parent dislike you ... but to have your partner not stand up for you with the parent who dislikes you.

 

But it sounds like you are maintaining perspective right now--so I think you're doing better than you think you're doing.

 

(Little request: it would help us to read your posts and read them faster if you created spacing between paragraphs. It's hard to read online writing without ample spacing between paragraphs. No biggie.)