Recently ended 7 year relationship - now depressed.

[mellowgoat]

Greetings,

 

I don't know what I am looking for here. I just wanted to get this out somewhere. Feedback is appreciated. This is my story:

 

My ex girlfriend and I were together for 7 years in Portland OR and broke up at the end of May. She is a 27 year old introvert and I am a 30 year old extrovert. We have had our ups and downs but I would say it has been a good and loving relationship a majority of the time. We are fairly active people and have traveled all over the world together. We share similar hobbies and interests.

 

One of our main issues has to do with her depression. She thinks of her self as a burden on peoples lives and struggles with finding her own life's purpose. On the other hand I was happy we exist for the most part.

 

She also struggled with making close friends and has told me that she felt isolated in the relationship.

 

Another problem was that my family is baby obsessed and she absolutely does not want children. I was neutral regarding children but she never believed me.

 

We decided in February to break up at the end of May in order to give each other time to find new jobs and move to new cities. This decision came after a particularly big argument where she was convinced that my family was waiting for me to dump her so that I can find a baby maker and how my life would be better without her. This was the first time I broke down and cried in front of her. She said that she was broken and we hugged. I told her if she wants to break up then we will break up. A few weeks later she decided she wanted to break up and I agreed.

 

She helped me move to Seattle WA (she even gave me her old car instead of donating it) and I flew with her to New York to help her get setup in a new apartment. Just before I left her in New York she asked if we were making a mistake. I told her that we already decided this and should stick to the plan.

 

I thought this was what I wanted but then all of a sudden around mid July (less than two months after the breakup) my emotions overtook me. I have never felt such strong emotions before (she is my first girlfriend/breakup). I reached out to connect with her via Whatsapp and maybe reconcile but she completely slapped away my attempt. She told me that she has already let me go and that we should no longer speak with each other. Honestly this hurt a lot. I was blindsided by the complete lack of love between us at this point. I threw out a snappy response and left it at that.

 

A few days later I sent her an email telling her that I have no negative feelings towards her and wished her the best. She responded in kind and wished me the best.

 

About a week later I broke (and listened to a friend's terrible advice) by forcing a phone conversation. I basically spewed out my guts - I told her that I love her, I honestly don't need children, and that I want to be with her. I mostly mumbled my words... She cut me off and said that she did not want to hear me try to convince her to get back together and that we shouldn't talk anymore. She said for the first time she does not have relationship/family pressure to deal with. I sent her an email the next day to clarify what I was trying to say, that I now truly understand her reasons for not wanting to get back together, and wished her the best.

 

It has been about a month since then and I have not reached out to her. I know I cant convince her to come back and that she needs to be the one to decide on her own if she wants to start a new relationship with me. Honestly I am not even sure I could take her back at this point. Its just so hard to deal with these emotions.

 

Logically I know that I am going to be fine and that I have a lot of good things going for me. I have a wonderful family that supports me. I have been exercising, hiking, camping, climbing, trying out new hobbies, exploring the city, slowly making new friends, etc. I also know I will eventually meet someone that is better for me.

 

Unfortunately the emotional pain has only slightly diminished since I last spoke to her. I think about her every day through out the day. I have trouble sleeping and have lost interest in most activities I previously enjoyed (but I am still active). I find myself randomly crying, especially before going to bed and waking up in the morning. I believe I now have depression and have scheduled an evaluation appointment next week for treatment.

 

Its just a struggle not to reach out to her sometimes.

Edited August 24, 2018 by mellowgoat

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm hearing you say you're in pain. What I'm not hearing you say is that you are clear that you want to be with her.

 

You mention her depression ... it's hard to date people with depression--extremely hard! ... Trust me: I drove any number of people nuts when I was depressed. So you no longer see that as a problem? What changed to erase depression and her low esteem as a problem?

 

You sound oddly passive, almost formulaic. She asks you as you depart helping her move in ... whether you guys should reconcile. You say, let's stick with the plan. What?!!! Why? What if the plan was wrong?

 

So I'm hearing you say you emotionally miss her. I don't hear what's so great about the relationship with her.

 

Did you suddenly want to get back together because she does NOT now want to be together? Watch that ... that's ego talking. I want her because she doesn't want me. or ... Because she broke up with me, I need to win her back.

 

No you don't.

[guest569]

I agree with the term "passive". It was "if you want to break up, that's what we will do". And "let's stick with the plan". I don't understand your thinking here. Did you want to break up at that point? I can't really understand this reasoning :

 

"to break up at the end of May in order to give each other time to find new jobs and move to new cities"

 

A breakup is a job hunting strategy? No. You guys broke up because you were unhappy with each other. She was depressed, and your family were pressuring her about reproducing (maybe inadvertently).

 

Do you actually want her or are you just missing her and reflecting on the good times? I don't think you would simply say "stick to the plan, bye!" if you were still in love with her or had any part of you wanted to stay together?

[mellowgoat]

Thank you Lotsgoingon and smiley1 for your responses.

 

As for ego wanting her back -> I am honestly not sure. I don't understand it myself. I can be objective about it and conclude that I am better off not being with her. I wrote a pros and cons from the breakup and I have to admit that the pros side is longer and the only cons that I cant substitute outside of a relationship are 'having a deep connection with a partner' and 'not being alone'. However, this emotional part of me that I was not ware of before the breakup will periodically/suddenly grow and override my reasoning. It all started 2 months after the breakup before I initially reached out to her. I will miss her so much that it is unbearable. I am very confused and frustrated about this whole thing. I know deep down I care for her and love her. Her face, her laugh, her touch... her being. I want to grow together and experience this life with her.

 

I didn't know how to process my breakdown after the big argument. I have never cried like that before and simply shut down emotionally. I didn't know at the time but I know now that I didn't cry because I was frustrated with her. I cried because of what we were arguing about -> me leaving her. I recognize those emotions as the same emotions that I have been dealing with now. When she told me she wanted to break up I simply accepted it and followed through. I don't think I allowed myself to truly consider my feelings about the breakup at that time.

 

I will admit our breakup was unorthodox - I keep forgetting that. We are both Software Engineers and tackle problems objectively. I had recently lost my job (via company buyout) and she just finished up a contract. We don't own property and had previously discussed moving to a new city. Its one of the great things about the field -> jobs are pretty much everywhere and they will pay for our moving expenses.

 

I don't think her depression was a problem for me specifically. We would argue but I am not the type to hold grudges, I would just work it out with her (until I broke down that one time). The problem with her depression was that she would convinced herself that she was a burden on me and that I didn't want her in my life. It just got to a point where I would tell her something but she just wouldn't believe me. I do think her depression has grown over the years though. Knowing what I know now I can also say that I could have better handled her depression.

 

Please be blunt with me.

Edited August 25, 2018 by mellowgoat

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no great way to deal with someone who's depression. Depression ruins clear thinking and so depressed people are maddeningly difficult to deal with ...

 

You can be kind and warm to them ... and that's a lot ... and they have to take that warmth and go get treatment and work on themselves.

 

So you're feeling the "split" that many folks experience in romance in and in love.

 

Your "head" says one thing ...

 

Your "heart" says another.

 

Right now, it seems your rational brain ... head ... says, well there will be other relationships. My time with the ex had its ups and downs.

 

And your heart is just so sad ...

 

There actually isn't as strange as it might seem. We can become attached to people (and thus really miss the after we separate) even if they aren't really great for us. Your title speaks to this. Seven years! 7 years. There are people who marry at 2 years and 3 years ... 7 years! ... That's a LONG time ... a long of bonding, a lot of seeing yourself through this other person's eyes. A lot of time learning how to work with the energy of this other person.

 

So let yourself explore your feelings ... don't worry that you're being pathological or anything ... I do think you want to over time work on closing the head-heart gap ... and take more initiative ... The rule of life is that if you don't get clear on what you want and learn to express and go for what you want, you're lowering your chances of living a life you really want.

 

One thing that happens to folks with weak boundaries (and I had this problem) is that you compromise a lot in dating someone ... like you change parts of yourself and work REALLY HARD to fit with the other person. Yes, we have to work with dating partners, but you don't want to do this at the expense of developing your own individuality.

 

You want to think of what movie YOU want to go to ..

And ... ask her what movie she wants to go to.

 

You get in trouble when you go reverse order: thinking about what the other person wants first, before you think of what you want. There are certain people out there like this ... you might be in that category. Some people have to learn to think of the other person more ... others (I'm guessing you are here) have to learn to connect with themselves more first ... or else they lose themselves.

 

I''m sensing you lost some of yourself in this relationship ... which means this breakup is a great opportunity for you ... to learn and grown and focus on yourself ... and practice EMOTIONALLY thinking about what YOU want first ... then seeing how another person fits in with that.

 

Bottom line: the longer you date someone and the more you lose your power with them ... then the harder it is when you separate. There's the normal separation pain ... + for you ... the "how do I live by myself and what do I really want?" pain.

[bathtub-row]

Given the amount of time the two of you were together, it’s understandable that you’re going through this kind of pain. I read a book once that said around the 3-mo mark is when someone from a broken-up relationship will start to feel the need to contact the ex. I’m not sure what that’s about except that maybe it’s our subconscious reaching backwards, trying to make one last grab for the familiar.

 

I find it odd that you never asked her to marry you. Perhaps you’ve had doubts all along. She has pressured the relationship with her own imaginings and that’s a tough battle to wage. I’m not sure why she’s being so abrupt with you but she now feels relief from the pressure she put on herself about having kids.

 

Not sure what to tell you. It’s really sad that things are this way and I’m sorry you’re hurting so much.

[glows]

Here's what I'm getting from your situation:

She doesn't want to be with you and I'm sensing entirely from her responses (relayed in your first post) that she was genuinely unhappy with you and your family dynamics. You've glossed over a large part of it. I suggest you talk with your therapist about any issues regarding your relationships and your family whether direct or indirect pressures. I don't believe at all that her "depression" has anything to do with the break up and you're doing yourself a disservice by discrediting her genuine dislike for depression. She doesn't like you and she doesn't like your family.

 

It's time to man up right now and check out why that is so - face it head on. Don't be afraid of it and don't make excuses for it. I'm not asking you to denounce your family ties or anything negative, obtuse or overdramatic. What I am suggesting is that you take a more objective look at the situation and be seriously honest with yourself what the heck went down. Were you unable to manage the demands of your family and did you drag your relationship through the mud at times muddling up at times and unable to draw lines and make judgment calls between what was appropriate and what wasn't? The answers are with you and the closure for this chapter's end is already with you. You just need to know how to look for it and how to truly make peace and move on.

[guest569]

She doesn't like you and she doesn't like your family.

 

Sheesh. I disagree. But I do agree with you that mellow goat is glossing over the family dynamic too much. His family were "baby crazy" after all. And why does that have to come into the relationship? I do think this would have been really hard for the girlfriend to take. But I don't think it's fair to say that a woman who stayed in a relationship for 7 years does not like her partner /ex. Especially given that she asked him during the breakup if they were doing the right thing. My guess is that she was just as in love and broken about the demise of the relationship as OP. But given the "let's stick to the plan" which was a door slamming on the relationship, she has moved on with her life and doesn't want to relive the past as it is too painful.

 

It is also clear that her depression was real and long term, not an excuse.

 

That's my take.. I feel like I can relate to OP and his ex both. Its a roller-coaster. I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and felt the same as mellow, felt sure about it and moved forwards, then a few months later, this head versus heart battle just came out of nowhere. Its powerful. And false hope of giving it another shot.

 

I can also relate to having depression while in a relationship and how it impacts. I felt like a burden and it felt unfair that I was so bogged down in my issues that I wasn't giving my best to him. I've also felt external pressures in a relationship, and interference from friends. "baby crazy" family sounds like a real pain and I would probably expect a lot of support and reassurance from my partner to know its OK if I don't produce grandchildren or nieces or nephews. Yikes.

 

Anyhow mellow, you're in a new city and maybe taking a while to feel comfortable and make new friends, perhaps lonilness and a longing for familiarity and comfort from the past.

it seems like youre doing all the right things to move forward and get yourself in a good place. Try to avoid any further contact with her and keep doing what you're doing. I think this phase will pass and you will feel confident about the decision and look to the future.

[FMW]

You've had two huge changes in your life - the end of a long term relationship and moving to a new city. Both events are very unsettling and leave you feeling vulnerable and maybe a little lost and alone. It's only natural to reach back and want to hold on to previous security and stability. Transitions are unsettling and take some time to adjust to.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, staying active and now seeking out counseling. You are able to look forward to better things.

 

Just be kind to and patient with yourself.

[mellowgoat]

Thanks for your input and support everyone - I appreciate it.

 

In regards to "baby crazy" -> I meant that my family focuses a lot on the kids already in the family at this point. They were originally baby crazy but it has diminished greatly over the years. We have 6 nieces and nephews between my two older brothers, 3 of which were born in the past 7 years. I made it clear with the family years ago that my ex does not want any children and that I wont have any children. They never directly told her to have kids. They have told us both that they didn't expect children from us. I love those kids and am an active part of their lives. I think my ex interpreted that as me wanting children of my own.

 

I recall in the big argument that she no longer wanted to see my family, that it caused her too much stress. She has been reducing contact with her own family for years as well. Our families are complete opposites. Mine is loving/chaotic with children running around while hers is snobbish with no children. She has said that my family is better but I know it caused her stress to be with them on Christmas (which is when we saw them). I usually wrote this off as normal meeting the significant other's family jitters but I now see it caused her a lot of stress that she didn't know how to handle.

 

Anyway - I need to focus on myself at this point.

[Lotsgoingon]

Small suggestion:

 

Don't harshly judge your sense of emptiness. People sometimes feel empty at the end of jobs and projects, even jobs and projects they didn't particularly like.

 

And ... start talking about your feelings with friends ... coworkers ... You can heal a lot and get a lot of support and good tips when you share what you're feeling with other people. You'll hear their stories and paradoxically, you'll hear your own story more clearly.

 

You're close to your family, but sometimes it is not helpful to share relationship stuff with families ... My siblings and parents were not good for this ... Friends were much better. Sometimes families so want you to be "happy" that they jump to advice giving from their narrow frameworks.

 

So friends and even acquaintances can often be better to talk to.

[Gretchen12]

People with depression (clinical) think and behave differently. If their thoughts and actions were the same as you and I, they wouldn't be diagnosed as having a mental illness, would they? It's useless to even discuss issues because they see different data and use different rationale.

 

I was dumped out of the blue by a man with depression (he was on antidepressants but apparently meds not working too well). I felt like just a part of the carnage left in the path of this disease. But that thought helped me to accept the unfortunate fate. You cannot cure depression by love.

 

Of course you are sad and you feel a loss that's no less painful if she had died. You wonder if you could have done things differently. No, it wouldn't have mattered. We're talking about chemical processes in the brain. It's a force that's bigger than us. Maybe you lasted 7 years because her depression was not as severe in the beginning. We can only accept and grief. Then life goes on.