Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

October 10, 2018

It isn't a competition between the "camps". But that said I am convinced that she is not cheating. But if she is, he will figure it out. But trying to convince a man who is trying to put his marriage and family back together that his wife is cheating when you have no real idea or proof that she is,...is destructive to the success of his future, his family's future, and his children's future. This isn't just two people "dating" where he can "dump" her on nothing more than a suspicion and get back together later if he was wrong, this is a family of lives.

Yes,..I keep defending him and what he is trying to accomplish, and will continue to do so.

I think if the guy thought about it enough,...it is time to abandon the thread. There is nothing productive that is going to come from this thread any longer at this point.

October 10, 2018

I'm coming in late to this, but after reading this thread, I'm in the camp of she is cheating big time.....red flags galore.

I can only say the same thing to you as everyone else in your boat. I dont see that happening, but if it is, I will be fine and deal with it.

It isn't a competition between the "camps". But that said I am convinced that she is not cheating. But if she is, he will figure it out. But trying to convince a man who is trying to put his marriage and family back together that his wife is cheating when you have no real idea or proof that she is,...is destructive to the success of his future, his family's future, and his children's future. This isn't just two people "dating" where he can "dump" her on nothing more than a suspicion and get back together later if he was wrong, this is a family of lives.

Yes,..I keep defending him and what he is trying to accomplish, and will continue to do so.

I think if the guy thought about it enough,...it is time to abandon the thread. There is nothing productive that is going to come from this thread any longer at this point.

Thanks PRW. I agree and will hold any further comments until something material happens. I do appreciate your supportive perspective though.

Keeping this vague as possible, my wife would lose her job, her career, her retirement, and possibly go to jail for adultery. She is dedicated to the work she does like very few people and worked extremely hard to get there. She's too F'ing smart to blow that up for a tryst.

I, on the other hand, have way more opportunities to cheat and have no consequences other than self respect and that of others and I just wouldn't do it. There are people in the world that are trustworthy.

October 10, 2018

Again, personally, I don’t believe your wife is cheating on you (though I wouldn’t be surprised if she had an emotional affair); also, whether she’s cheating is not the most relevant, as you have to do the self improvement for yourself anyway.

That said, I am surprised by your naive arguments. Do you honestly believe Bill’s stake was lower when he had sex with his young White House intern? The last I heard, we still haven’t elected a female president in the US, so I don’t believe your wife has more to lose compared to Bill.

I can only say the same thing to you as everyone else in your boat. I dont see that happening, but if it is, I will be fine and deal with it.

Thanks PRW. I agree and will hold any further comments until something material happens. I do appreciate your supportive perspective though.

Keeping this vague as possible, my wife would lose her job, her career, her retirement, and possibly go to jail for adultery. She is dedicated to the work she does like very few people and worked extremely hard to get there. She's too F'ing smart to blow that up for a tryst.

I, on the other hand, have way more opportunities to cheat and have no consequences other than self respect and that of others and I just wouldn't do it. There are people in the world that are trustworthy.

October 10, 2018

Again, personally, I don’t believe your wife is cheating on you (though I wouldn’t be surprised if she had an emotional affair); also, whether she’s cheating is not the most relevant, as you have to do the self improvement for yourself anyway.

That said, I am surprised by your naive arguments. Do you honestly believe Bill’s stake was lower when he had sex with his young White House intern? The last I heard, we still haven’t elected a female president in the US, so I don’t believe your wife has more to lose compared to Bill.

yeah, the Bill comparison! Fair enough on that point! Even without that logistical component, I am not worried but he was independently wealthy.

Ok, I am off this till something happens.

October 12, 2018

It isn't a competition between the "camps". But that said I am convinced that she is not cheating. But if she is, he will figure it out. But trying to convince a man who is trying to put his marriage and family back together that his wife is cheating when you have no real idea or proof that she is,...is destructive to the success of his future, his family's future, and his children's future. This isn't just two people "dating" where he can "dump" her on nothing more than a suspicion and get back together later if he was wrong, this is a family of lives.

Yes,..I keep defending him and what he is trying to accomplish, and will continue to do so.

I think if the guy thought about it enough,...it is time to abandon the thread. There is nothing productive that is going to come from this thread any longer at this point.

It wasn't a competition between camps until you mentioned it. I have my opinion about his situation based on the extensive similar situations posted on here over the years....you have yours. Besides why are you addressing me about my advice anyway? The subject is the OP. Additionally, I could care less about your opinion or what you're trying to accomplish, and you should care less about mine.

OP, normally I would advise against jumping to the conclusion of cheating without hard proof, but there are so many red flags here, you need to do at least a little digging. Ignoring them is doing yourself a huge disservice. Additionally, I apologize for the off color statement about what your wife may be doing, I thought it was funny, but putting myself in your shoes and reading it today, it just comes off as mean. Good luck.

October 27, 2018

Hi all, just an update since she is back in town for a few weeks. It kinda long, but cathartic for me to write it. I have been trying to help others on the site as payback for the help from you guys! I find that helps me understand perspective better too.

We have had another MC session and I got some props from the MC about my presence (more centered and confident) and my wife started opening up a little. She hasn't moved in my direction sadly but her anger has subsided a lot. The counselor took the approach of not scheduling more until my wife had less pressure on her from work. (she is leaving for 2 months soon and has a lot to do before that work trip, its a legit amount of pressure, affecting 10s of millions in assets and affects international relations)

Later, the wife asked if I wanted to go back (sounded like she was angling for it) after she returned and I said yes, and she does too, so whatever that's worth.

Wife gets only mildly upset, rarely now, and we've talk about things quite a bit. Its a lot of, "if I leave I might be very lonely and depressed missing the kids and missing a family." I never bring these things up, by the way. She still seems determined to move out for a trial separation when she gets back and we talked about that a bit. She said if either was planning on seeing other people that it wouldn't be worth staying together at all anyway. I'm in favor of that sentiment.

A few moments of significance to me:

--She was having a rough time of it from all the pressure she is under and feeling bad about the kids, and I felt the need to hug her and comfort her which she was glad for but when this happened I got giddy and childish about it. Its one of my worst turn offs that I can't see until I am in that situation, but she pointed it out with compassion. This is new in her and it tells me she has learned something about herself from this because she is not the most empathetic person. Anyway, its probably a fear of intimacy that has plagued me my whole life. Watching Corey Wayne and reading books has not helped that and I am not sure how to practice getting better without a partner. I am hoping to bring this up with my therapist but I lost mine due to insurance shifts, I will find a new one.

-- Today, She told me she was very glad I was making so much progress but was also sad to tell me that. I asked her to explain; it wasn't helping how she felt which I knew, I just want her to talk it out. I waited for a while and told her without any emotion in my face "This is your decision." she says, "well, not..." and I said, "If I can decide to change myself as much as I have after 40+ years of believing it impossible (insecurities and self esteem issues) you can decide to change your feelings." She was a bit flummoxed and mumbled, "I see what you mean." followed by some long silence and no more discussion since. This is a sore spot for her because she has been asking me to deal with my issues for 8+ years and I just didn't think it was possible until a year ago so I didn't try. The whole too little too late thing .

It felt so good to stand my ground here and be in charge of that moment. We both heard the therapist explain how attraction can be repaired on our first visit and I know it from all the relationship research I have done, she would just have to choose to try... and she knows it and not because I said that to her.

I have been looking into jobs and have a solid plan A, if we stay married with jobs lined up for early next year and a solid plan B in case we divorce, so I am comfortable with both.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this.

Edited October 27, 2018 by GinON

October 27, 2018

Don't get your hopes up on her being less angry.

Some when they are comfortable with their decision get this way.

October 27, 2018

Hi all, just an update since she is back in town for a few weeks. It kinda long, but cathartic for me to write it. I have been trying to help others on the site as payback for the help from you guys! I find that helps me understand perspective better too.

We have had another MC session and I got some props from the MC about my presence (more centered and confident) and my wife started opening up a little. She hasn't moved in my direction sadly but her anger has subsided a lot. The counselor took the approach of not scheduling more until my wife had less pressure on her from work. (she is leaving for 2 months soon and has a lot to do before that work trip, its a legit amount of pressure, affecting 10s of millions in assets and affects international relations)

Later, the wife asked if I wanted to go back (sounded like she was angling for it) after she returned and I said yes, and she does too, so whatever that's worth.

Wife gets only mildly upset, rarely now, and we've talk about things quite a bit. Its a lot of, "if I leave I might be very lonely and depressed missing the kids and missing a family." I never bring these things up, by the way. She still seems determined to move out for a trial separation when she gets back and we talked about that a bit. She said if either was planning on seeing other people that it wouldn't be worth staying together at all anyway. I'm in favor of that sentiment.

A few moments of significance to me:
--She was having a rough time of it from all the pressure she is under and feeling bad about the kids, and I felt the need to hug her and comfort her which she was glad for but when this happened I got giddy and childish about it. Its one of my worst turn offs that I can't see until I am in that situation, but she pointed it out with compassion. This is new in her and it tells me she has learned something about herself from this because she is not the most empathetic person. Anyway, its probably a fear of intimacy that has plagued me my whole life. Watching Corey Wayne and reading books has not helped that and I am not sure how to practice getting better without a partner. I am hoping to bring this up with my therapist but I lost mine due to insurance shifts, I will find a new one.

-- Today, She told me she was very glad I was making so much progress but was also sad to tell me that. I asked her to explain; it wasn't helping how she felt which I knew, I just want her to talk it out. I waited for a while and told her without any emotion in my face "This is your decision." she says, "well, not..." and I said, "If I can decide to change myself as much as I have after 40+ years of believing it impossible (insecurities and self esteem issues) you can decide to change your feelings." She was a bit flummoxed and mumbled, "I see what you mean." followed by some long silence and no more discussion since. This is a sore spot for her because she has been asking me to deal with my issues for 8+ years and I just didn't think it was possible until a year ago so I didn't try. The whole too little too late thing .

It felt so good to stand my ground here and be in charge of that moment. We both heard the therapist explain how attraction can be repaired on our first visit and I know it from all the relationship research I have done, she would just have to choose to try... and she knows it and not because I said that to her.

I have been looking into jobs and have a solid plan A, if we stay married with jobs lined up for early next year and a solid plan B in case we divorce, so I am comfortable with both.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this.

This whole paragraph - kudos to you for realizing that - #1 - you CAN work on and change the things about yourself that are holding you back from having a healthy relationship and - #2 - working to MAKE those changes in yourself. This isn't about her decision or whether her anger will eventually subside. This is about how you will handle theses changes happening in your life, whether or not she will be along for the journey. When I compare your first post to where you are now - leaps and bounds, my friend, and getting better everyday. (Also, I still contend that there is NOTHING wrong with a SAHD, but then, I reject both the societal limitations AND expectations placed on us because of our gender.)

I am glad you have both plans A and B. It sounds like you'll have your hands full for the months your wife will be away. I hope you take some time for yourself during her absence.

Finally, you give very good, thoughtful advice out here. Many can, and will, benefit from your experiences. Best of luck.

October 28, 2018

Just wanted to say good luck Ginon and I'm glad you know what matters to you and are not afraid to stand up for it.

I actually do find myself in a similar situation and even with a bunch of red flags, what matters to me is keeping my family together. I need a miracle at this point but if I don't get one, then atleast I'll be content to know I did everything I could and I was myself in the process. If that wasn't good enough, then so be it.

It hurts and I'm really struggling, but I have to fight or I would never like myself down the road.

October 29, 2018

I am glad everything went well at MC. I have my fingers crossed for you all. I hate to see marriages die. I believe in them and believe they are worth fighting for.

I would definitely say to get a job regardless of the outcome.

October 30, 2018

Thanks for the support, things don’t seem any better but I had a great night with some friends and met some new people. One lady was very flirty with me and throwing all the sign my way of attraction. That’s a good ego boost if nothing else.

It’s going to be a long difficult 2+ months waiting for her to come back from this next trip. Hopefully I make some big progress myself on my next hurdle, my fear of intimacy!

October 30, 2018

I have absolutely no advice to offer on the fear of intimacy since I suffer from that affliction myself. For me, I know it is self-preservation. I'll give anyone the shirt off my back. I'll help anyone in any way I can, even at my own expense. I'll try to fix the world's problems, but ask me to open up and try to get closer than within an arm's length? Nope. Nope. To make matters worse, I have no desire to fix that about myself. From now on, I'll just throw myself into my work deep enough that I won't have time to (or even be tempted to) spend time with anyone of the opposite sex!

But you keep going out with friends and having fun! Those ego-boosters will be helpful. I am sure there are some good books out there about tackling the fear of intimacy and someone will suggestion one.

October 31, 2018

Gotta sneak in a comment: The wife went to kick boxing with me and the kids a couple times. Today was her 2nd time and we were partners punching and kicking each other for a solid hour. It was a lot of fun and she was really having a good time, smiling and laughing like I haven't seen in a long, long time. [Alec Guinness voice] She thanked me fro bringing her, even. I have learned not to get giddy and over zealous so I realize nothing may come from it but it was nice to have fun for a change.

The coach was joking that its better than Marriage Counseling... if only he knew. he might be right!

October 31, 2018

Today was her 2nd time and we were partners punching and kicking each other for a solid hour. It was a lot of fun and she was really having a good time, smiling and laughing like I haven't seen in a long, long time.

See how happy wives get when they get to kick and punch you? It's therapeutic.

October 31, 2018

See how happy wives get when they get to kick and punch you? It's therapeutic.

That works both ways, I enjoyed it quite a bit myself. VERY therapeutic and incredibly freeing in terms of expressing myself as I am. I don't mean violence towards her, but kick boxing is my favorite activity and I was able to share that with her and not feel anxious about it.

One of the biggest issues she has is how embarrassed I was about dancing with her or going to dance lessons. I was so scared of it 12 yrs ago that I made her feel bad about wanting to go so she would stop asking me. Since I have gotten over that fear she has said several times that we can never go dancing together due to her bitterness, "its ruined forever" because of my awful behavior. I was a total jerk about several things like that; regrets all around.

However, kickboxing is a lot like dancing and she kept bringing up how she used to be in a lot of dance classes while we were boxing, I think to try to point out how she is willing to go do anything, sort of rubbing it my face:) I'm not taking the bait but I kinda feel like her armor was cracked a bit by having such a good time with me.

Small victories.

November 1, 2018

Need some advice:my wife is really hot but is insecure about her looks. She just came into my room in a really hot nearly underwear top. It’s like she is torturing me.

What the hell do I do?

Do I say, “That’s hot, you look great in that!”

Or say nothing and come off as a cold fish? She wants space...I want her.

Then she’s doing this to me... so damned frustrating.

Trying to think what would James Bond do is hard when you are stunned.

November 1, 2018

Dude? she doesn't want you to "say" anything, she wants you to "do" something. If she is insecure about her looks and then you don't "do" anything she just goes away thinking "Yep, I don't look good enough for him,...or he would have tried something."....Or worse, she thinks you aren't "man" enough,...aren't "James Bond" enough.

She isn't some high school girl you are hoping she'll let you in her pants,...she's your wife that you have already had a few kids with. I think you remember how it is done.

It is probably getting about time you start sleeping in the same room in the same bed again. If it helps tell her you can both dress up in your kick-boxing garb and crawl into bed.

Edited November 1, 2018 by PRW

November 1, 2018

Need some advice:my wife is really hot but is insecure about her looks. She just came into my room in a really hot nearly underwear top. It’s like she is torturing me.
What the hell do I do?
Do I say, “That’s hot, you look great in that!”

Or say nothing and come off as a cold fish? She wants space...I want her.

Then she’s doing this to me... so damned frustrating.

Trying to think what would James Bond do is hard when you are stunned.

When she told you she needs space, she meant she didn’t want you to be all needy and clingy.

Omg, how could you have not grabbed her and held her to bed already? Women wanted to feel desired by their men.

November 1, 2018

Dude? she doesn't want you to "say" anything, she wants you to "do" something. If she is insecure about her looks and then you don't "do" anything she just goes away thinking "Yep, I don't look good enough for him,...or he would have tried something."....Or worse, she thinks you aren't "man" enough,...aren't "James Bond" enough.

She isn't some high school girl you are hoping she'll let you in her pants,...she's your wife that you have already had a few kids with. I think you remember how it is done.

It is probably getting about time you start sleeping in the same room in the same bed again. If it helps tell her you can both dress up in your kick-boxing garb and crawl into bed.

I wanted to hit his face while reading his post. How could he be so clueless? Did that dating guru not teach men to get what they want confidently?

November 1, 2018

I wanted to hit his face while reading his post. How could he be so clueless? Did that dating guru not teach men to get what they want confidently?

I was shocked too! CW is fond of saying "what would James Bond do?" Well James Bond would have closed the door (with her still in the room), whatever clothes there were on would have been flying in all directions, and they would have been going at it in less than 30 seconds. After all, this is two people that are married, not strangers trying to get to the 4th date.,

November 1, 2018

I have mentioned this a couple of times before, but this example confirmed my assessment of your overall issue: You’re worrying too much about what your wife likes or doesn’t like; paradoxically, such mindset has crippled your actions greatly and you end up being someone overall your wife doesn’t like, namely a weak guy without confidence.

November 1, 2018

You guys never fail to deliver good advice. Closing the door while she was in the room would have been better perfect!

November 1, 2018

You guys never fail to deliver good advice. Closing the door while she was in the room would have been better perfect!

And both of you get back in the same bedroom. It's your home, not a dorm. If she isn't "in the mood" there are two sides to the same bed until she is.

November 1, 2018

You guys never fail to deliver good advice. Closing the door while she was in the room would have been better perfect!

What are you waiting for? If I were you, I would go to her room before she leaves for the trip, and act confidently. Hell, she might resist a little at first when she’s caught off guard; if you continue to act confidently despite her initial mild resistance, that would make you irresistible as hell to her. Then she can have something to savor during her work trip. She might be thinking about it at those work meetings

November 1, 2018

What are you waiting for? If I were you, I would go to her room before she leaves for the trip, and act confidently. Hell, she might resist a little at first when she’s caught off guard; if you continue to act confidently despite her initial mild resistance, that would make you irresistible as hell to her. Then she can have something to savor during her work trip. She might be thinking about it at those work meetings

Absolutely!

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Stay at home dad, wife leaving me.

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