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Ready, then not ready, then ready, what to do?


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Posted

So I fell hard for a guy that I dated for 3 months. He told me that he did not want a relationship now if ever. Blamed it on a past hurt, etc but he felt good enough to not only have a sexual relationship but try to come back to the sex several times after the breakup.

 

Anyway, he is not really the issue except that he made moves to get into my head but the issue is me. I feel ready to date and then when the time comes, I find a reason to back out. It has been a couple months, I am almost 34 so I feel like I need to get over it. I have been hurt in life before and have always been able to deal with it. This guy just felt so different and I believed the him he put forward and in him. I want to feel ok dating other people and not like I am cheating on my own heart. Advice?

 

I am busy, I do a lot, but at the end of the day, I still have going out opportunities that having a guy around would make it more fun. Would love to hear the LS-ers thoughts or advice.

Posted

You have no idea how much I agree with you. I am in a somewhat similar situation with a guy I've been "involved" with for the past several months. Only we never dated, it's a friends with benefits relationship. I have broken the cardinal rule of FWB and fallen head over heels for him. He however, doesn't seem as into me as I am into him. There are times when he seems to like me a lot but then he goes for a week without saying anything to me. I really don't think he wants a relationship, like your guy as well, although he says he does. It hurts to think about not being with him but there's nothing I can do short of coming clean with him about my feelings. I don't think it would help at all but it might make me feel better. Have you told your guy exactly how you feel? If he's not interested in dating you, maybe you can get some closure from talking to him. In the meantime, date other people but be up front with them and let them know that you are in the process of getting over someone else. That way they know to take things slow with you and be patient and you don't have to worry about disillusioning them. I know it feels like you're cheating on your heart, I feel like that too, but we can't hold ourselves back because we have strong feelings for guys who are relationship-phobic. We both deserve better and if we can't get it from them, we'll get it from someone else. I hope this helps you.

Posted

Oh god, we should have a coffee clutch.

I knew I wasn't alone in this scenerio, but man does it feel like it!

I have posted on this board about "my guy" and his issues, but I will give you a re-cap.

 

We went to high school and elementary school together, and were neighbors growing up. Fast forward 10 years - I find out he too had a huge crush on me but never asked me out because I was "too" popular and he was scared.

 

We bump into each other - I am in the final stages of divorce. Sparks fly and it's wonderful being together. He says he's never been more comfortable with another person, blah blah blah. The chemistry is INSANE. I blush everytime I look at him and he grins like a moron at me.

 

And yet....

 

He is scared. Scared that I'm not officially divorced (that's 30 more days) and scared that he's going to fall in love with me ("I CAN'T fall in love with you" - he has told me to my face) like it's tragic. His friends are complete idiots, always over at his house and never give him my messages. He doesn't want to have a sexual relationship until we're serious because he's been in too many relationships based on sex.

 

We're also opposites. I'm pearls and blue jeans and he's Harley jackets and leather boots.

 

He once said, "If you're ever my girlfriend...." (I can't remember anything past that). He said that with every other relationship he's ever had there was always a voice telling him 'this isn't going to work' but he hasn't heard that voice with me. He spends the night at my house but we talk, even as we lay in bed holding hands.

 

He's so hot and sexy I can't sleep a wink while he snores away.

 

But he won't commit. He's scared. He likes his freedom. He thinks he'll be ready in about, oh, 2 more years for a family and a wife. I'm like....Uh, I just want to go on a date with you.

 

It's been almost 2 and a half months. I like him SO SO MUCH. Have since I was in 3rd grade......

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