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Lost a good friend of 18 years cos we had a date..

Midnightfvkgirl

By Midnightfvkgirl
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Midnightfvkgirl Member

Midnightfvkgirl

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So id known this guy for 18 years, on and off chat but we had a good friendship. He'd known the crap id gone through and vice versa. He mentioend maybe we should give dating a go since it hadnt worked with anyone else.

So i met up with him and had a great evening. We decided to see each other again but I went on holiday (booked ages ago). He was a bit distant while I was away and i asked him about it. He tld me to chill on my holiday and enjoy the time. So I did. 4 days later I get a text saying "Im done. Youre obviously not into me. Have fun". I was like wtf. I texted asking him what that was about, he said i hadnt spoke to him for days!! (after him telling me to go enjoy my holiday). I was planning to meet up with him when i got back. He then went to one word answers, said i was controlling like his ex (I am the most uncontrolling person ever!!).. and now hes blocked me on everything. So much for the 18 year friendship!!

 

 

I give up on men now :(

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
So id known this guy for 18 years, on and off chat but we had a good friendship. He'd known the crap id gone through and vice versa. He mentioend maybe we should give dating a go since it hadnt worked with anyone else.

So i met up with him and had a great evening. We decided to see each other again but I went on holiday (booked ages ago). He was a bit distant while I was away and i asked him about it. He tld me to chill on my holiday and enjoy the time. So I did. 4 days later I get a text saying "Im done. Youre obviously not into me. Have fun". I was like wtf. I texted asking him what that was about, he said i hadnt spoke to him for days!! (after him telling me to go enjoy my holiday). I was planning to meet up with him when i got back. He then went to one word answers, said i was controlling like his ex (I am the most uncontrolling person ever!!).. and now hes blocked me on everything. So much for the 18 year friendship!!

 

What he did is akin to taking a sledgehammer to kill a gnat... it didn't even require all of this.

 

He was playing games with you. To be mad after he told you to chill and enjoy your vacation--after you point blank asked him about his distance-- sounds like he was testing you. I get separation anxiety, but this vindictive get-back?

 

He'll unblock you soon and will be trying to get back in touch with you. What are you going to do when he pops back up?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Sometimes you really don't know someone until you date them.

 

If he was distant while you were initially trying to communicate with him on your holiday, perhaps he was fading out and is now trying to immaturely pin it on you. It could well be a deflection tactic so that he didn't have the unpleasant task of telling you it wasn't going to work out.

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Midnightfvkgirl Member

Midnightfvkgirl

Posted
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What he did is akin to taking a sledgehammer to kill a gnat... it didn't even require all of this.

 

He was playing games with you. To be mad after he told you to chill and enjoy your vacation--after you point blank asked him about his distance-- sounds like he was testing you. I get separation anxiety, but this vindictive get-back?

 

He'll unblock you soon and will be trying to get back in touch with you. What are you going to do when he pops back up?

 

 

if he pops back up? Ignore him. He made me feel like i had done something wrong and I was a horrible person. That's not a friend.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You didn't do anything wrong based on what you told us.

 

If he pops back up, hear him out. Do point out that you had planned on reaching out when you came home & that you were insulted & hurt by his nasty text. See what he says. You are not obligated to reach out.

 

A man hiatus will probably do you some good right now.

 

Best wishes.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

Wow he is so insecure...maybe this is why dating hasn't been working for him. I don't think it's over forever...he needs to cool down. You have known each other for 18 years, he should know you well enough that you are not this kind of person. Really unfair the way he treated you in all this....in fact it's down right horrible. I know you love your friend, but maybe dating isn't such a good idea if this is the way he's going to behave. It's crazy how you really see someone for who they are when you date them...a whole new ballgame.

 

 

 

Sit tight, he will be back. I don't think he's going to throw away 18 years of friendship.....he's just being all dramatic blocking you.

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

Posted
Posted

This guy has the emotional maturity of a child.

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Farid Established Member

Farid

Posted
Posted (edited)

Suppose he was in love with you for all of the 18 years.

 

Suppose he was in love with you so much that he'd have torn 5 vacation tickets to enjoy this new love. To a person in love you even going on vacation may seem hurtful. Remember a man in love isn't rational. The hurt in him may have started at the point of departure.

 

Take this "second opinion" into account, remember that it's a person who asked you to be his gf. He may be-- just maybe not so evil ;)

Edited by Farid
gmr
  • Like 1
Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

Yeah, he was immature ... and passive aggressive ... telling you to chill and then dropping a nuke on you for chilling!

 

So I wouldn't say you lost a good friend of 18 years ... This date trial was something you both decided to try ... your friendship may have run its course ... even later, you might get past this craziness.

 

I always love this game ... Looking back ... was there a hint that he would act this way? ... You have known him for 18 years ... any hints in his stories about dating others that suggested he would behave like this.

 

Not a criticism ... but I love to review things to see if there is something I can learn ... The hard thing here is that when you're friends with someone, it's OK to overlook the way they behave in intimate relationships with others. It's not your biz, so it's easy to miss.

 

Anyway, sorry to hear this ... frankly, it's best that you ran into this buzzsaw early on ... because one does not accidentally sent a nuke message like that ... This is a deep part of him ... Maybe he is a lot more needy and more controlling than he let on with you and other friends?

 

Wow!

Andy_K Established Member

Andy_K

Posted
Posted

What you learnt is that there's a lot more truth in 'men and women can't be friends' than you ever realised.

 

Virtually every male friend a woman ever has is either in madly love with her or wants to get in her pants (or at least wants to keep the possibility of one of those two open). A year ago you'd have said that this guy you've known for 17 years wasn't like that at all. Now you know otherwise.

  • Like 1
guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted
He was a bit distant while I was away and i asked him about it. He tld me to chill on my holiday and enjoy the time. So I did. 4 days later I get a text saying "Im done. Youre obviously not into me. Have fun"

 

 

I give up on men now :(

 

I wonder how sincere he was when he said "enjoy your time". Was it a sarcastic or passive aggressive comment.. Was he feeling insecure and expected you to say "oh not at all, I'm having fun on my holiday but still have time for you"? Were you talking to others or posting on social media? Much over analysing I know.

 

The holiday was about 4 days right?

 

How long since you heard from him?

Farid Established Member

Farid

Posted
Posted
What you learnt is that there's a lot more truth in 'men and women can't be friends' than you ever realised.

 

Virtually every male friend a woman ever has is either in madly love with her or wants to get in her pants (or at least wants to keep the possibility of one of those two open). A year ago you'd have said that this guy you've known for 17 years wasn't like that at all. Now you know otherwise.

 

My ex found this out about her "childhood friend with whom she often shared a bed, and between whom (and her) I could never come".

 

It smelled fishy to me from a mile away, and I told her. On the day of our engagement party, her stupid mom brought the "news" to her that her friend was madly in love with her and was devastated... a day that was supposed to be a beautiful memory, became a day of depression for her.

 

She refused to let go of her delusions about how close the opposite genders can be and still be monogamous, and she is... you guessed it, now is an ex, and the "friend" has moved on with someone else haha :laugh:

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Midnightfvkgirl Member

Midnightfvkgirl

Posted
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Posted
Do point out that you had planned on reaching out when you came home & that you were insulted & hurt by his nasty text. See what he says. .

 

I did that, he said "ok" then blocked me on every social media, and even his phone number

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Midnightfvkgirl Member

Midnightfvkgirl

Posted
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Yeah, he was immature ... and passive aggressive ... telling you to chill and then dropping a nuke on you for chilling!

 

So I wouldn't say you lost a good friend of 18 years ... This date trial was something you both decided to try ... your friendship may have run its course ... even later, you might get past this craziness.

 

I always love this game ... Looking back ... was there a hint that he would act this way? ... You have known him for 18 years ... any hints in his stories about dating others that suggested he would behave like this.

 

Not a criticism ... but I love to review things to see if there is something I can learn ... The hard thing here is that when you're friends with someone, it's OK to overlook the way they behave in intimate relationships with others. It's not your biz, so it's easy to miss.

 

Anyway, sorry to hear this ... frankly, it's best that you ran into this buzzsaw early on ... because one does not accidentally sent a nuke message like that ... This is a deep part of him ... Maybe he is a lot more needy and more controlling than he let on with you and other friends?

 

Wow!

 

 

absolutely nothing to suggest he would have been like this

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Midnightfvkgirl Member

Midnightfvkgirl

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I wonder how sincere he was when he said "enjoy your time". Was it a sarcastic or passive aggressive comment.. Was he feeling insecure and expected you to say "oh not at all, I'm having fun on my holiday but still have time for you"? Were you talking to others or posting on social media? Much over analysing I know.

 

The holiday was about 4 days right?

 

How long since you heard from him?

yeah i didnt think the "enjoy oyur time" comment was sincere, it came across as sarcastic.

 

 

Holiday was for 9 days. It was planned by me well in advance of me and the guy even discussing getting together and he was aware I was going.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

It's a shame that he turned out to be something else. You did nothing wrong. Try to hold on to that.

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted
So id known this guy for 18 years, on and off chat but we had a good friendship. He'd known the crap id gone through and vice versa. He mentioend maybe we should give dating a go since it hadnt worked with anyone else.

So i met up with him and had a great evening. We decided to see each other again but I went on holiday (booked ages ago). He was a bit distant while I was away and i asked him about it. He tld me to chill on my holiday and enjoy the time. So I did. 4 days later I get a text saying "Im done. Youre obviously not into me. Have fun". I was like wtf. I texted asking him what that was about, he said i hadnt spoke to him for days!! (after him telling me to go enjoy my holiday). I was planning to meet up with him when i got back. He then went to one word answers, said i was controlling like his ex (I am the most uncontrolling person ever!!).. and now hes blocked me on everything. So much for the 18 year friendship!!

 

 

I give up on men now :(

 

 

Don't give up on men now because of this guy, he just flipped out because you had gone on holiday without him. Yet it was bad timing when you first met him then had to go on holiday. That's why he said the negative comments to you. He's not your type because he's impatient. I am sure you a wonderful girl and there are better men out there. 18 years is a very long time for friendship. But I guess you had your reasons to wait so long.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Well, this is a great example of how things can go horribly wrong when you try to make a romance out of a friend. Look what a demanding and different person he is as a romantic partner than as a friend. Listen, I say be glad you found out after only one date. Do NOT try to make it up to him. He is nasty to women he dates and better as a friend.

guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted
yeah i didnt think the "enjoy oyur time" comment was sincere, it came across as sarcastic.

 

 

Holiday was for 9 days. It was planned by me well in advance of me and the guy even discussing getting together and he was aware I was going.

 

You don't need to justify yourself

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
So id known this guy for 18 years, on and off chat but we had a good friendship. He'd known the crap id gone through and vice versa. He mentioend maybe we should give dating a go since it hadnt worked with anyone else.

So i met up with him and had a great evening. We decided to see each other again but I went on holiday (booked ages ago). He was a bit distant while I was away and i asked him about it. He tld me to chill on my holiday and enjoy the time. So I did. 4 days later I get a text saying "Im done. Youre obviously not into me. Have fun". I was like wtf. I texted asking him what that was about, he said i hadnt spoke to him for days!! (after him telling me to go enjoy my holiday). I was planning to meet up with him when i got back. He then went to one word answers, said i was controlling like his ex (I am the most uncontrolling person ever!!).. and now hes blocked me on everything. So much for the 18 year friendship!!

 

 

I give up on men now :(

 

1st bolded: that is a bad reason to give it a try.

2nd: now you know why he struggles to hold down a relationship. This is on him IMO

3rd bolded: wrong conclusion to make from this event. Why you would extrapolate his behavior to that of all guys is beyond me. Maybe you could extrapolate it to insecure, needy people but otherwise pin it straight on him at that point in time and don't let it color your view of men--that would be silly.

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