I think she's gone cold on me...

[MountainGirl111]

It sounds like she indeed is busy with her kids. You have kids too about the same ages as her kids, so you understand how that goes. You also apologized to her for being a bu_t last week and I don't know what that is all about, but maybe you're right and you need to do some work on your mind. There's no sense losing your head over ANY woman. So, keep your head on straight. Why not ask her how her kids are doing and tell her about yours or how your day is going. Women are detail oriented, did you know that?

[ChatroomHero]

I agree completely with lotsgoingon. Read that post 10 times. Texting with someone that texts like you have posted, becomes a job, another tedious errand you have to do, respond to filler texts that take place of real contact and meaningful interaction.

 

Apologizing to her for HER bad behavior to earn points won't work like you think. That's what it seems like when you apologize for feeling she might be off. If you feel she is pulling back, tell her you don't care for her pulling back and you want to discuss it. You are basically telling her you are sorry for reacting to her obviously pulling away. It's weak and won't buy you points so don't do it.

[Surfer Joe]

It's important to remember that relationships evolve. You go through that first rush of falling in love where everything is awesome, but if it last long enough - you move into the actually building a relationship stage and that involves trying to figure out how you mesh your lives together.

 

I'd relax and just take it easy. Don't be too needy. I totally get the need for reassurance - I'm the same way and while I think it is okay to mention that need - it's also important not to sound too needy (if that makes sense).

[Radarsat]

I agree completely with lotsgoingon. Read that post 10 times. Texting with someone that texts like you have posted, becomes a job, another tedious errand you have to do, respond to filler texts that take place of real contact and meaningful interaction.

 

Apologizing to her for HER bad behavior to earn points won't work like you think. That's what it seems like when you apologize for feeling she might be off. If you feel she is pulling back, tell her you don't care for her pulling back and you want to discuss it. You are basically telling her you are sorry for reacting to her obviously pulling away. It's weak and won't buy you points so don't do it.

 

You may notice that I did not apologize to her for calling her out on her behaviour and I also won't in the future. As a result of doing what I did, she has come back to giving me the attention she used to do. I think it was just a hard week for her maybe. But either way, I told her it bothered me and we talked last night and she has been much better. As far as the male friend. I need to trust her. I've talked to many of my female friends about this (I know, hypocriitcal of me) and based on my actions last week (jealousy, insecure, questioning her phone habits, her ability to say no to advances from another 'married' man) that I was wrong and she has a right to see long time friends regardless of sex. So I'm going to trust her. I do believe I've been hypocritical too since I wouldn't hesitate in my mind to go out for a beer or a bite to eat with some female friends I have. It was stupid of me imo. And if she's going to cheat, then it's going to happen either way. I need to believe her when she says I have nothing to worry about and the fact that she told me ahead of time does say something I would think. Again, if she breaks her word, I'm sure I'll find out one way or another eventually. In the mean time, I need to believe her because she has been a great compliment in my life.

 

Thank you to all for your advice and insight. I am now going to work on me more also, so that this relationship is better balanced and she can actually miss me more. She'll then perhaps see that I'm not always available at her beck and call and will value more what she has as me as her boyfriend. I realize now that builds attraction from a woman's perspective. I always knew it, but I guess I got lazy with that area because I'm a big pleaser. But I need to do some self care also to please her AND myself! No woman wants a "yes mam, anything you want mam".

 

Thanks everyone.

Edited August 24, 2018 by Radarsat

[Malin889]

You should never have a serious discussion over text message.

[fromheart]

UPDATE:

 

So maybe I was wrong. Or maybe she's really good at hiding it....

 

Sent her a "Good morning so far?" just before lunch....no reply. At 2:30 I sent this (with advice from friends):

 

ME: I'm sensing things are off. Are you ok?

 

HER: I am fine. Just really busy.

 

ME: okay, thinking of you.

 

HER: Why do you think I am not?

 

ME: Honestly? Because I know I was an ******* last week and you've been more distant. I know you're super busy with work and the kids and that's okay, but you seem to take longer to reply lately. If you want space, or you don't see a future anymore, then please just be honest with me.

 

HER: That is not it at all. Just trying to make my quota (work) and spending time with the kids. Since I think they needed that.

 

ME: Okay, I'm glad all is good and I hope to see you soon. I do understand.

 

HER: I hope so too.

 

What does everyone think? I decided to take some advice and just be honest with her.

 

Ok, your asking what we think so I'm going to tell you what I think.

 

In all honesty, you may be dumped. She's showing all the signs, and your NEEDINESS is confirming what she feels but hasn't acted upon.

 

There's only one possible way to save it. You need to cut all contact and let her reach out. Because right now your acting like a 13 year old. I'm sorry if that causes offense, I've done it myself.

 

A lot of your communication with her says that your are unfulfilled with yourself, and need her to make you feel ok. Again, I give you more harsh advice. Only children need a woman to feel good. I've been there and I suffered for it.

 

Her coldness has come about because of your neediness. Its scary for her; she was only meeting a male friend! Whats the solution? Conquer your neediness, see where it's coming from and put it right.

[Larry56]

Apologizing to her for HER bad behavior to earn points won't work like you think. That's what it seems like when you apologize for feeling she might be off. If you feel she is pulling back, tell her you don't care for her pulling back and you want to discuss it.

 

ahhh what??

 

She's not displaying any bad behaviour. She's displaying disinterest because women are repelled by neediness. 'Discussing' her bad behaviour will make her roll her eyes and make him look even worse!

 

The problem is the OP's behaviour. He's on his tippy toes all the time, saying ultra nice things because he's 'worried' she's going to leave him. His fear comes from being potentially being rejected but his neediness is pushing her further away.

 

OP. I'm gonna say this once more. You are treating this girl like a Queen when you should treating her like a regular person.

 

Imagine this scenario. The woman suddenly gains 40 pounds, grows a big nose and starts talking with a husky voice. Imagine that happening. Would you still be chasing after her the way you are. No you wouldn't.

 

Your fear comes from over-valueing this woman because you're scared of being alone. Being alone is GOOD. You need time to figure out why you value these girls so much over yourself. You have no need to honour these girls by treating them soooo nicely. You dig?

[MountainGirl111]

From what I have read, I sense that she is good now. The only advice I have is try not to worry. I know that's hard and I understand because I am a worrier too. Time to put yourself self and the top of the self care list right now. No matter what she does or doesn't do, if you take care of yourself with the utmost care you will GAIN good things.

[Radarsat]

ahhh what??

 

She's not displaying any bad behaviour. She's displaying disinterest because women are repelled by neediness. 'Discussing' her bad behaviour will make her roll her eyes and make him look even worse!

 

The problem is the OP's behaviour. He's on his tippy toes all the time, saying ultra nice things because he's 'worried' she's going to leave him. His fear comes from being potentially being rejected but his neediness is pushing her further away.

 

OP. I'm gonna say this once more. You are treating this girl like a Queen when you should treating her like a regular person.

 

Imagine this scenario. The woman suddenly gains 40 pounds, grows a big nose and starts talking with a husky voice. Imagine that happening. Would you still be chasing after her the way you are. No you wouldn't.

 

Your fear comes from over-valueing this woman because you're scared of being alone. Being alone is GOOD. You need time to figure out why you value these girls so much over yourself. You have no need to honour these girls by treating them soooo nicely. You dig?

 

I do get it. Now that things are good with us, I'm going to slowly (not all of a suddent to make her wonder) start looking after me more, spend a little bit less on gifts, doing things for her 100% of the time, and focus more on my responsibilites and interests. If I then lose her, then so be it. I'm hopeful I don't, but I get your point truly. I can't rely on another human being to make me happy. I need to be happy with myself and i'm not fully there I admit. But I'm going to start seeing my therapist again and make a concious effort to address this problem.

[Radarsat]

From what I have read, I sense that she is good now. The only advice I have is try not to worry. I know that's hard and I understand because I am a worrier too. Time to put yourself self and the top of the self care list right now. No matter what she does or doesn't do, if you take care of yourself with the utmost care you will GAIN good things.

 

Exactly. If I'm so worried at times about losing her....actually forgetting about that and working on me and my inner happiness will only increase the odds of her having more respect for me. Less time fully with her, more time for me and my responsibilities and interests. Not cutting her out, but being more like her, which I love about her. Fully putting 100% into just her has got to be boring and overwhelming for the receiver. I'm going to really put a good effort into changing this broken record behavior. For myself.

 

Thanks.

[MountainGirl111]

Exactly. If I'm so worried at times about losing her....actually forgetting about that and working on me and my inner happiness will only increase the odds of her having more respect for me. Less time fully with her, more time for me and my responsibilities and interests. Not cutting her out, but being more like her, which I love about her. Fully putting 100% into just her has got to be boring and overwhelming for the receiver. I'm going to really put a good effort into changing this broken record behavior. For myself.

 

Thanks.

 

Nice. I would call this a "win-win" strategy!! I'm sure you respects you and highly regards you....maybe it doesn't always show. We all have responsibilities...I totally get that. Put self care first is win win and not selfish in my book. You're going to hit it out of the ball park. Yay!! Go you!!

[Rocker71]

You’re right. In need to just go silent and let her come to me and give her the space. If she returns to the old girlfriend I love, them great. If not then I guess I move on. I’m a chaser and I need to change my pattern and behaviour because you’re right, she won’t respect me if she knows i’m always available.

 

Why are you not meeting/dating other women?

 

Dating other women is an insurance against this crap she's pulling.

[Radarsat]

Why are you not meeting/dating other women?

 

Dating other women is an insurance against this crap she's pulling.

 

I hear what you're saying, but we're in an exclusive relationship and we've both committed to that. We've been together for almost 9 months. And regardless of her actions, I'm going to stick to being exclusive with her. If I find she has broken my trust, she'll only see the back of me walking away.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you not meeting/dating other women?

 

Dating other women is an insurance against this crap she's pulling.

 

Why would he, when this is an official and exclusive relationship and he would like a future with her?

[Radarsat]

UPDATE:

 

So gf and I had a good weekend. We came back after errands to her place yesterday early afternoon and I was putting stuff away. In front of me was her phone and right then and there a message pops up from this male friend I have talked about in original post. The message says "hey are you getting my messages superstar?"

 

I tell her when she came inside from the backyard there is a message from him. She opens it up in front of me (so she knows I didn't open it because it was still on her locked screen). She does it with me and I notice immediately that there are no prior messages from him. I got visibly upset and she could ell something was wrong. She asked me what was wrong. I tried to deflect but she insisted that I talk. I told her that I know from you yourself that you've been texting him, yet there are no messages. Why are they deleted? I told her that she was very upset when her ex cheating boyfriend did this.

 

Then she said, "okay let me explain. He started to flirt with me and I told him if we were going to be friends that he needed to stop because I'm in a relationship and am happy with my bf".

 

She then confessed that 2 days later she got another message from his wife on his account, and that she was wondering if my gf would be interested in having a threesome with her and her husband (the male friend). She told her no, she's in a relationship and is happy. The wife then said, well how about with just me? And my gf said, "again no, I'm in a relationship and am happy but thank you.". "If I was single and I ever decide to swing that way then you will be the first person I'd call lol!"

 

Then the male friend messages her the next day saying "I'm sorry, _____ is just like that. She sees someone she wants and she just goes for it. That's just who ______ is. But I apologize because I know that's not what you're like. And I hope it hasn't ruined our friendship. I also ask that you don't spread this because not everyone understands open relationships and I don't want that to affect my business."

 

This guy knew she was happy and in the past told her that she needed to leave her ex husband because she was so miserable. Now hat she is happy, he does this.

 

She also told me she deleted the messages because she didn't want me to be worried and her to have to deal with all the questions I would have because I was so paranoid before and that she dealt with it and he has stopped and apologized. I reminded her that I had told her I would never check her phone when I had that paranoia week regarding her having dinner with him. And she said that she admits that based on my behaviour she wasnt sure that I wouldn't because I was so freaked out.

 

In the end, she asked me do you want me to stop talking to him. I told her, "no, absolutely not. I do not want to control you. If you want to hang out with anyone, that's your life". And she reminded me that she was a big girl and can and will always say no as long as she is in a relationship. She said she loves me, isn't bored with me, the sex is great and if she wanted anything with him, her or together she would have left me already.

 

So she still is texting him. I just don't get if they have been talking, and they cleared things up, why no messages would have been there since he said 'hey are you getting my messages?" Maybe on a different platform?

 

Also, am I being naive since after him crossing boundaries and then presumably knowing his wife was propositing her for a threesome with him and her, that nothing is going on? Is it okay to some people that they sill meet for coffee? She said she would never put herself in that position when I said I would hope it never becomes a situation where your watching a movie at his place privately. She said it would only be coffee or a meal and they've known each other for years. Am I over reacting now that I know him and his open relationship wife want to have her in bed? She said he has laid off flirting. yet there were no texts.

 

I'm afraid for the answers but I ask you all to keep an open mind. I have asked many of my female/male friends and family and they said I need to trust her. She also told me if it happens again, then she would tell me and they will not be friends. I'm just wondering why after being asked for a threesome, why it isn't done already. She hates cheaters. Has always said that and has been extremely clear and has had plenty of opportunities over the weekend for her to leave me. I made that clear and she said she loves me and doesn't want anything with a married couple.

 

Lay it on me please.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, remember when I suggested you not overlook this guy's questionable intentions? This is why.

 

Look, his interest in her is not just friendship. Now you know that. And she does too, though I suspect she knew that for a long time. In my books, she is not doing enough to enforce reasonable boundaries, since she has been keeping things from you and sees nothing unnerving with continuing their cozy friendship. She lacks transparency, even if she said no to him. She could be doing a lot more to keep things above board, in other words. Deleting texts and neglecting to you even let you know what's been going on is a red flag.

 

I say all this as someone who has participated in the type of activity this couple proposed. There are generally certain parameters one respects, and they are crossing boundaries with her. Notice there was no mention of you at all? I am not suggesting you would be interested in joining them, but generally one respects the significant other of the party you invite into the bedroom. This dude doesn't give a crap about you. He is not a friend of your relationship and your girlfriend either doesn't realize that or doesn't care.

 

I don't think it would be appropriate for her to be hanging out one-on-one with a man who has secretly propositioned her for sex, of any type. Sorry.

[Radarsat]

OP, remember when I suggested you not overlook this guy's questionable intentions? This is why.

 

Look, his interest in her is not just friendship. Now you know that. And she does too, though I suspect she knew that for a long time. In my books, she is not doing enough to enforce reasonable boundaries, since she has been keeping things from you and sees nothing unnerving with continuing their cozy friendship. She lacks transparency, even if she said no to him. She could be doing a lot more to keep things above board, in other words. Deleting texts and neglecting to you even let you know what's been going on is a red flag.

 

I say all this as someone who has participated in the type of activity this couple proposed. There are generally certain parameters one respects, and they are crossing boundaries with her. Notice there was no mention of you at all? I am not suggesting you would be interested in joining them, but generally one respects the significant other of the party you invite into the bedroom. This dude doesn't give a crap about you. He is not a friend of your relationship and your girlfriend either doesn't realize that or doesn't care.

 

I don't think it would be appropriate for her to be hanging out one-on-one with a man who has secretly propositioned her for sex, of any type. Sorry.

 

I agree with you. She has had (from my point of view) plenty of chances in our conversation now to end things. I even told her, "look if this is something you want to explore then just tell me". She insists, "eww no, he's an attractive guy and she is beautiful, but no @$%*@!* way!!" She said that she loves me to pieces, sees a future, LOVES the sex with me and would tell me if she was bored of me in any way. She says I just need to trust her and that if this happens again that the friendship will be over. She admits she can be naive, but she said he has stopped the advancements and is being respectful.

 

And I gave her an out. She could do this is she wanted to, and if she was done with me just to tell me right now. If something was truly going on beyond what she is telling me, why would she not just take my offer to leave me then? Everyone (besides on this forum) is telling me I need to trust her. She didn't even have to tell me about the proposition. She could have left it at he was flirting with her in texting. The proposition was additional info that she decided to tell me about. Trust her my friends says. It's the basis of every relationship. Even a couple of my guy friends insist I should. I guess these people know how I can overthink and over analyze every single move people make, and believe I just need to trust her and see how it all plays out. But this anxiety of wondering what if I'm being played is agonizing. I just don't know if I can STOP thinking about the what ifs. I'm seeing a counselor in a couple of weeks and have asked to be on a waiting list.