I think she's gone cold on me...

[Radarsat]

Okay, I know this will be a bit of a long one, so please bare with me. I just want you all to know the facts before anyone provides their input...

 

So I've been dating this wonderful woman (she's 41, I'm almost 40). She has two kids of similar ages to mine, just slightly older. We've been together for 8 1/2 months. This is the longest relationship I've had since my marriage breakdown 3 years ago.

 

Early last week, she informed me that she had reconnected with a male friend and and another female friend and that they would be meeting for dinner to catch up. The guy is married and his wife knows they would be meeting. He is my gf's former real estate agent and they remained friends after. Her ex husband too. When they broke up, my girlfriends ex husband did not want to use him to sell the house but the male friend agent helped her emotionally and she confided in him a lot. They never got together from what she has told me. She was with another guy (not the agent back on the scene) 2 months after her marriage breakdown and lived with him for 3 years with her kids and his kid. They broke up because he cheated on her. She acknowledges that it was a big mistake to move in so quickly with him.

 

We started dating last December. Everything has been going fantastic. Even talked 2 weeks ago about in a years time that we would revisit the idea of living together maybe, but our kids still need some time because of her past with her ex bf and moving in too quickly. She has been amazing to me.

 

But when she told me last week about this dinner get together with her old friend (the agent), I was not happy. She told me about it and I said that was cool, but I'm sure my face said differently. He's with another girl I thought and it would be fine. Why worry.

 

Then the next night she told me that she would be hanging out with her female friend (last minute) when I asked her what she wanted to do that night. Neither one of us had kids last week and we normally hang out quite a lot. Almost every night which I know can be a problem eventually. No problem I thought. But then the next night she said her other female friend needed some help with her kids going to bed and that she would be doing that. I started to worry. Totally unlike her to visit a friend two nights in a row when we don't have our kids. The following night we went to her parents house for dinner and she mentioned casually to her parents that she was meeting this agent guy friend for dinner. He's a family friend and know him. I told her right then and there, "and the other girl right?". She said no, just him. I immediately got ancy and she could tell. I was folding this napkin into oragami and she even asked me "are you okay? What are you doing? " So I was wearing the stress on my face apparently.

 

When we left she said "Are you upset about the dinner with....?". I said no, I just thought it was with your other friend too. It was a communication error and I believe her completely because we agreed on what was said. I just misunderstood.

 

But it bothered me now that I knew she was going out with JUST another guy. A guy she previously confided in and shared her emotional baggage.

 

I ended up telling her it bothered me and she reiterated that they were only friends and I had nothing to worry about. She also told me that her last bf was controlling and he hated it too. That freaked me out and I apologized and said I'm not telling her what to do, I just worried.

 

The next morning after stayhing at her place I brought it up again and said that she was taking her phone to the bathroom when she never did before (and she hated it when her ex bf would do that). She said she didn't even realize it and I could look at her phone if I wanted to but there was nothing there. I didn't and told her I trust her. She said I need to stop worrying and truly trust her.

 

We went to work. I felt awful about my behaviour. We were spending the night together and I got her flowers and picked up dinner and wrote her a cute 'sorry' poem. I asked her that night if she was annoyed with me that morning and she said yes but that we're good and I just need to go with the flow and trust her.

 

The next morning I totally did it again. I said "I trust you but I worry about his intentions." She looked very annoyed and said, "Well, I'm a big girl and I can make my own decisions and walk away if he made a move." I said I know and that I was sorry.

 

I then later said I was worried that she didn't trust me because I asked about the phone thing. She laughed a bit and said, you really need to relax and trust me. I said, I DO trust you, I just worrry that you don't trust me now. She said we're good and to just friggin relax.

 

She had to work that weekend and she has seemed cold ever since. I did see her Sunday (very late when she got back due to the job) and we talked for a while but nothing about what happened other than me saying I was really sorry for my behaviour over the week.

 

The next morning I went to work and she did too (this week - Monday) and she has been cold and distant in her texts ever since. We both have our kids back this week, but normally I would hear from her throughout the day.

 

Oh and the dinner with the friend never happened. He was sick apparently but they would be meeting in a couple of weeks sometime to catch up. His wife might be coming but she hoped she wouldn't because it wouldnt' be the same to talk about the past 4 years with her there.

 

Yesterday I didn't text her all afternoon until after my work at 4 and I asked her how her day was and that I bet she was looking forward to seeing the kids again. It took over an hour for her to reply that "its been crazy busy" "how is yours" "yes I can not wait" . I told her awesome and to tell them I said hi.

She asked me what my plans were for the evening and I said just hanging with the kids and making dinner. She told me her plans with the kids. I called her when I knew she was off work and told her that I loved her very much and missed her and was just calling now so that she can focus on the kids (they had been away a while on vacation with their dad) and not worry about texting or calling me. She said she loved me too and missed me, but what was wrong? I said nothing was wrong and just reiterated that I wanted to let her have a fun night with the kids and she didn't need to contact me if she didnt have time. She said, no no, I'll text you later. But she never did. But she was online constantly until midnight. Not just logged in, but in and out. (Facebook)

 

This morning very early she said "Good morning honey How are you?". I said "Good morning. I'm alright. How was your night?".

 

She said: "What is wrong?" "My night was good. Busy but good. Sorry I did not text you last night....by the time I looked at the time it was late".

 

Me: "Nothing at all babe! Slept really well and the kids and I had another really nice night." "And no worries, I fully knew that might happen. Which is why I called ya after work so you didn't feel the need to text me or call due to kids being back and all. All good! :)" "Everything ok with you?"

 

Her: " Thanks for understanding" "All is good with me"

 

Me: "Okay good, and of course! I didn't text you good night either because I said I would give you the night to focus on the kiddos and I wanted to respect that."

 

Her: "Thanks so much"

 

Me: "No problem honey", "I love you".

 

Her: "Love you too"

 

 

Am I losing my girlfriend? I haven't heard from her since this morning, when she would normally text me throughout the day. Is she testing me based on my insecure behavior last week? Is she still pissed off and is ready to break it off with me. Or can I save/fix this?

 

I know the answer is to leave her alone and I haven't texted her since this am, but I'm itching to say "How is your day going?". Some friends have said do that, others have said let her come to you and give her space.

 

I'm sorry it's so long, but I need advice to save this relationship. Or am I screwed and it's too late? I just want to know if I'm losing her I guess. Help?!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, first of all, you need to stop pretending to her like this friendship doesn't bother you and you're all cool with everything now. She knows that's not true.

 

Second, you're overcompensating now with the flowers, the trying-too-hard-to-be-relaxed text messages, the apology poem. It's coming from a very insecure place and you're venturing into cringe territory. You don't need to keep reiterating that you're fine that she didn't text you that night, you didn't call her because you knew she wanted to focus on the kids, and it's all just no problem at all! Obviously, that's not the case. She is getting irritated and has told you to relax - listen to her. Give her space. Right now you're dancing around like a puppy looking for her to give you a cookie to soothe your anxiety. Take a deep breath.

 

Now, don't be so quick to assume your instincts are totally off about this other guy. It's true that you can't tell her what to do, but she also needs to be mindful of your feelings and appropriate boundaries with male friends. Ideally, she would arrange a dinner where he could bring his wife and she could bring you so you could all get to know each other. One-to-one dinners with a guy who she previously had some emotional connection with would likely make any boyfriend raise an eyebrow, but she could also help lower that eyebrow by making an introduction.

 

You're so afraid of losing her that you're trying to ignore and suppress your own feelings. All relationships need boundaries. It sounds like you two have completely different ideas about where those are. When and if she warms back up, it would be a good idea to talk about that.

[smackie9]

Tho she may not be very happy with your behavior, I don't think she's ready to throw in the towel just yet. If you start shutting down on her, she's going to think you are still frittering about her wanting to have dinner with this guy. Just carry on with things, but don't bring it up again.

 

 

 

Next time (if it's someone else or another situation) just tell her that this makes you uncomfortable, then leave it at that. Let her know how you feel, but don't berate her over and over. She's a big girl, she can handle things if he does gets "too touchy feely" or whatever. So what if he makes a move, she's going to say no...she's not some weak minded helpless doe. RELAX.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're getting lost in details and micro-movements. She blinked her eye once. I blinked at her twice. Does she still love me?

 

Skip all that.

 

Do you feel well treated and that she's available and giving you the attention and energy you want in a relationship? Yes or no? (Notice the question doesn't say weigh the pros and cons ... I'm asking how you feel! Hint: you do NOT seem like you feel secure in this relationship.)

[ChatroomHero]

From what you wrote, it seems like something is off. She keeps asking you what's wrong during texting, she withdrew a bit as soon as she made plans to see the guy, taking the phone into the bathroom, ditching you during times she would normally prioritize to you once and then the next night for 'helping her friend put the kids to bed' is borderline ridiculous...just reading it, it seemed to me maybe she has a guilty conscious and her pulling back on the texting and spending time with you, something is not on the level.

 

 

Based only on what you wrote, I would feel like something is up and she is not being completely forthcoming.

[MountainGirl111]

From what you've shared it doesn't sound like you're losing her. It sounds more like life is happening. You're are both involved and engaged with your kids and there's times when people need to put their kids and even their jobs first. Try not to worry about. If she really wanted to break it off she would. Going to dinner with her male friend might be worrisome. Are you able to have a constructive conversation with her about without getting angry/upset at her. She should listen to your concerns. Your relationship with also comes with life just being busy sometimes and your relationship is occuring without that context. I tend to be an over analyzer and I have to tell myself not to do that and not to analyze other peoples actions too much

[Radarsat]

I talked to her after work on phone today and invited her to my place Friday for dinner as my parents are coming for a visit. She has stated many times in past she loves them. Tonight she said we’ll see about coming. But she felt off and she wanted to get off phone after only a few minutes. Said she would text me later. She did end it herself by saying “I love you”. Would a woman who wants to leave me say this just to keep me at bay?

[Lotsgoingon]

I talked to her after work on phone today and invited her to my place Friday for dinner as my parents are coming for a visit. She has stated many times in past she loves them. Tonight she said we’ll see about coming. But she felt off and she wanted to get off phone after only a few minutes. Said she would text me later. She did end it herself by saying “I love you”. Would a woman who wants to leave me say this just to keep me at bay?

 

Dude you are ducking my question ... and you're not solving your issue.

 

What are you feeling? I'm thinking: you're feeling that something has changed and she isn't showing the attention to you that she used to show. Admit that or you'll drive yourself insane.

 

The problem is that you have sensed some distance from you ... in communication ... in time spent together ... in a change from your normal schedule with her ... in her taking her phone to the bathroom.

 

You sense something is up. Well, there's a good chance that unfortunately something is up.

 

Words are worthless in the absence of deeds. Worthless. Who cares what she says? What's important is figuring out why she seems suddenly so distant from you ... "I love you" can be powerful one moment ... and later "I love you" can mean ... "of course, I love you. You are a really good person. But I don't think we should date anymore."

 

Instead of inviting her over, I would actually give her space ... to let her take some initiative towards you ... If she doesn't, then you would know something was up for sure. So I would not chase her.

 

BTW: quit faking things ... When she asks if you're uncomfortable with her hanging with a friend or whoever, and you are uncomfortable, SAY SO! She can read your body language that you are uncomfortable. The whole point of a good relationship is NOT to have to fake and hide our emotions. You're just mind-abusing yourself when you do that.

 

Speak up. If the relationship is any good, it will survive your discomfort and she'll be able to give you some reassuring answers. Quit faking it!

 

Finally, I will tell you that people in general ... and perhaps women in particular ... lose respect for partners who don't stand up for themselves ... You're not gaining any respect from her by pretending you're not noticing what you're noticing.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Larry56]

Yeah if a woman is acting a bit distant it's probably that shes getting irritated with you and/or this guy is back in her mind again and she's now having moodswings because you're not acting like a man. Look I don't know how you look and how you are in general but honestly. It's okay to say something bothers you. It's called mate guarding and there is a healthy level of it you can appease.

 

Don't chase this woman with I love yous etc. You sound like the kind of guy who doesn't have alot of confidence/haven't been in a relationships so you're holding on to this broad a bit too tight. Girls don't actually like that. Just relax and understand that nothing is certain. Some women might try to get a relationship going with a top guy but remember he might not even be that interested in her.

[Radarsat]

You’re right. In need to just go silent and let her come to me and give her the space. If she returns to the old girlfriend I love, them great. If not then I guess I move on. I’m a chaser and I need to change my pattern and behaviour because you’re right, she won’t respect me if she knows i’m always available.

[Juha]

I talked to her after work on phone today and invited her to my place Friday for dinner as my parents are coming for a visit. She has stated many times in past she loves them. Tonight she said we’ll see about coming. But she felt off and she wanted to get off phone after only a few minutes. Said she would text me later. She did end it herself by saying “I love you”. Would a woman who wants to leave me say this just to keep me at bay?

 

Yes, 100% a woman would act as normal as possible up until they either cheated on you or dumped you...

 

I can understand you are weary about this guy as it seems you have never met him and your gf does not think it matters if you have met him or not.

In a relationship you do not go out with opposite sex friends that your partner does not know. For me that is no bueno.

 

That shows she does not want you to know him and that is definitely not good. Add in she is now acting differently and cold towards you.

Something is definitely off. Either she is thinking about reconnecting with him or she is thinking back to the controlling bf and equating you as the same as him with how you have been.

 

You need to be honest with how you feel and where you are at with her, not I'm good. She knows you are not good.

 

You really need to have an adult talk with your gf about this and be totally honest about how you feel and see things.

[Radarsat]

Yes, 100% a woman would act as normal as possible up until they either cheated on you or dumped you...

 

I can understand you are weary about this guy as it seems you have never met him and your gf does not think it matters if you have met him or not.

In a relationship you do not go out with opposite sex friends that your partner does not know. For me that is no bueno.

 

That shows she does not want you to know him and that is definitely not good. Add in she is now acting differently and cold towards you.

Something is definitely off. Either she is thinking about reconnecting with him or she is thinking back to the controlling bf and equating you as the same as him with how you have been.

 

You need to be honest with how you feel and where you are at with her, not I'm good. She knows you are not good.

 

You really need to have an adult talk with your gf about this and be totally honest about how you feel and see things.

 

I'm not trying to ignore anything people have said. But she texted me last night and I had fallen asleep. She said "Hey honey, how's your night been?". I know what you said about acting normal, but really the added honey? If she wanted to break up why throw the honey in there? Please explain. Or is she possibly good with me?

[ChatroomHero]

I talked to her after work on phone today and invited her to my place Friday for dinner as my parents are coming for a visit. She has stated many times in past she loves them. Tonight she said we’ll see about coming. But she felt off and she wanted to get off phone after only a few minutes. Said she would text me later. She did end it herself by saying “I love you”. Would a woman who wants to leave me say this just to keep me at bay?

 

 

 

This would be a clincher for me that something is up. "We'll see" to such an (usually) important thing like her being able to see your parents (that she loves), is a really bad sign. "We'll see" means "I have no plans but can't think of a reason right now to say no"...I would bet money that if she ditches meeting up with you and your parents, it will be because she is having drinks/dinner/whatever with someone else that night...like if she does ditch you and says she is doing "XXX" that night and you text her that night and say you are going to stop by "XXX" just to say hello, I bet you get the weirdest excuse why she "can't" see you.

 

 

"I'm not trying to ignore anything people have said. But she texted me last night and I had fallen asleep. She said "Hey honey, how's your night been?". I know what you said about acting normal, but really the added honey? If she wanted to break up why throw the honey in there? Please explain. Or is she possibly good with me? "

 

 

Read her actions, not her words. It's like if I say, "Nice to see you again" while giving you two middle fingers, do you think I enjoyed seeing you again?

[ExpatInItaly]

Observe her actions in the coming weeks, OP.

 

You do need to relax either way, though. You've got yourself twisted into a knot and fretting. I understand you're worried that she's pulling away, so you're reacting from a place of fear and looking for any sign of reassurance. But you're going to drive yourself mental.

 

Have confidence in yourself and your ability to communicate your boundaries and observe if she agrees. If she doesn't, and if you feel there is no room to compromise, then be confident enough to walk away from a relationship that doesn't work for you.

[Radarsat]

Observe her actions in the coming weeks, OP.

 

You do need to relax either way, though. You've got yourself twisted into a knot and fretting. I understand you're worried that she's pulling away, so you're reacting from a place of fear and looking for any sign of reassurance. But you're going to drive yourself mental.

 

Have confidence in yourself and your ability to communicate your boundaries and observe if she agrees. If she doesn't, and if you feel there is no room to compromise, then be confident enough to walk away from a relationship that doesn't work for you.

 

Forgive me if this is too much. And Yes ExpatInItaly, I definitely need to relax. I just know how good things have been with her and this is all so sudden. I know it happens, but it's hard for me.

 

Last night I talked to her after work very briefly as mentioned and she said she'd text me later. Which she did. BUT I FELL ASLEEP early! Ugh.

 

I woke up an hour after her message and texted her the following. This is last night and then today with her:

 

GF: Hey Honey

 

Me (an hour later): hey honey are you still awake? I'm sorry hun, I totally fell asleep early. sweet dreams if you see this in the night and I love you.

 

GF (This morning): Good morning honey. Its okay. How are you?

 

Me: Good morning babe! I'm pretty good. How are you this am?

 

GF:I am not too bad. How was your night?

 

Me: It was pretty good. Kids and I did some artwork and I worked out after. How was yours?

 

GF: Pretty good. Finally go the laundry away and did more. We went for a walk and then I exercised some more and then went to bed.

 

Me: Excellent. Sounds like a pretty decent night.

 

GF: It was a good night.

 

Me: Good! Did you see that link I posted?

 

GF: No....where is it?

 

Me: your timeline

 

GF: Awww I saw...see they do exist

 

Me: lol yup, you were so right!

 

GF: I know...always am.

 

Me: lol that you are. I'm learning slowly

 

GF: Lol

 

That's it so far. That ended just before 10 EST. I know I need to just go with the flow, but does anyone sense that she's good now and maybe coming around? Or is a potential breakup still on her mind....please forgive me.

[Juha]

I, nor anyone else can tell you what your gf is thinking, feeling.

Only she can.

 

Her not making plans for dinner with you and your parents, when she supposedly loves them is a very, very bad sign.

 

I would definitely ask what she is up to that night when you are having dinner with your parents and see what she says. I would try and meet up with her after and see how she reacts. That will tell you something

 

You just need to let this play out and see how she acts and go from there.

Do not bother with trying to decipher what she is saying or texting to you, that is meaningless.

[Radarsat]

I, nor anyone else can tell you what your gf is thinking, feeling.

Only she can.

 

Her not making plans for dinner with you and your parents, when she supposedly loves them is a very, very bad sign.

 

I would definitely ask what she is up to that night when you are having dinner with your parents and see what she says. I would try and meet up with her after and see how she reacts. That will tell you something

 

You just need to let this play out and see how she acts and go from there.

Do not bother with trying to decipher what she is saying or texting to you, that is meaningless.

 

Well I left a little part out on that. Her son has soccer practice on Friday nights. She said to me that she'll see because of the soccer. My only thing with that is he's been skipping soccer practice nights for the past few weeks and Thursday (tonight) is his last game. Saturday they have a fun fest day for the team with mini games. But she said, "yeah, umm, maybe. That should work but I'll let you know.". That's more detail on it. But at first, there was a longer than normal pause and she seemed like she was searching for a reason to not. I could be wrong and therefore...

 

yes, I hear you. There is no way to predict this. This all stems from my want and desire to control outcomes and when I can't predict or control it, I freak out and my anxiety shoots through mountain tops. I'm sorry everyone.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know I need to just go with the flow, but does anyone sense that she's good now and maybe coming around? Or is a potential breakup still on her mind....please forgive me.

 

We have no idea if a break-up was even on her mind to begin with, OP.

 

Look, the most recent text exchange you posted is fine, in and of itself. She can be annoyed with you without automatically wanting to break up. But we can't tell you what she is thinking. We don't know her.

 

But now you've got yourself two problems. You went from being uncomfortable with her guy friend, to be panicked that she is going to leave you. You need to find a way to soothe yourself a bit without over-analyzing every text conversation and every phrase she uses.

 

Wait until you two can actually speak to each other or see each other. You will be able to get a much better sense of where her mind is currently at. Texting is not a good way to communicate, as so much can get taken out of context or misinterpreted. But it seems you two do a lot it.

 

Have you always been this anxious and insecure in your relationships?

[Radarsat]

Have you always been this anxious and insecure in your relationships?

 

To be honest yes. Always and I don’t know how to change this. I texted her “How’s your day so far?” just before lunch and over 2 hours later nothing yet she has posted on social media. I’m ****ed and I can’t seem to control my emotions over this. I think I need to get some help but no therapist is available right now.

[Larry56]

Mate haha. I feel your pain honestly but you need to chill.

 

That was a boring and fanny drying conversation you had before. She is already bored by the 2nd text message.

 

Look I understand you are head over heels about this girl but just imagine this.

 

I want you to breathe deep and imagine this...

 

Imagine if she suddenly gained 40 pounds...

 

Would you still be so hung up on sending this chick the 'right' message? Or would you send her something more authentic?

The fact that you're trying so hard to please her means that you're not showing your authentic side.

[Radarsat]

UPDATE:

 

So maybe I was wrong. Or maybe she's really good at hiding it....

 

Sent her a "Good morning so far?" just before lunch....no reply. At 2:30 I sent this (with advice from friends):

 

ME: I'm sensing things are off. Are you ok?

 

HER: I am fine. Just really busy.

 

ME: okay, thinking of you.

 

HER: Why do you think I am not?

 

ME: Honestly? Because I know I was an ******* last week and you've been more distant. I know you're super busy with work and the kids and that's okay, but you seem to take longer to reply lately. If you want space, or you don't see a future anymore, then please just be honest with me.

 

HER: That is not it at all. Just trying to make my quota (work) and spending time with the kids. Since I think they needed that.

 

ME: Okay, I'm glad all is good and I hope to see you soon. I do understand.

 

HER: I hope so too.

 

What does everyone think? I decided to take some advice and just be honest with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

All you can do now is trust that if she doesn't want to be with you, she will tell you.

 

Please don't send her more messages like that. It's not the appropriate mode to have a serious conversation, particularly when she is at work.

 

Now that she has answered you, you need to take a step back. If you keep it up, you will drive her away with needy behaviour.

[Radarsat]

All you can do now is trust that if she doesn't want to be with you, she will tell you.

 

Please don't send her more messages like that. It's not the appropriate mode to have a serious conversation, particularly when she is at work.

 

Now that she has answered you, you need to take a step back. If you keep it up, you will drive her away with needy behaviour.

 

You are right. Completely. I'm definitely moving back completely now. I appreciate your honesty. I clearly have some inner mind work that I need to address. And I will. I'm sorry for being so draining to you all. I get that it must be friggin annoying.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are right. Completely. I'm definitely moving back completely now. I appreciate your honesty. I clearly have some inner mind work that I need to address. And I will. I'm sorry for being so draining to you all. I get that it must be friggin annoying.

 

Don't worry, OP. We're not drained. We see posts like yours all the time; that's why people come here to interact.

 

It's not us that you need to worry about annoying. It's her.

 

But, as I said earlier, I think you do need to observe what's going on with her guy friend. I don't necessarily mean she has bad intentions or will cheat, but you two clearly need to discuss where you feel boundaries should be in a relationship. At the moment, you have very different ideas about that, and it will likely lead to further issues down the road. I would not overlook that simply out of fear that you will lose her if you don't just sit in the corner and keep quiet.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,

 

I noticed something about your texts. They are terrible. They reek of neediness.

 

All you're saying in your texts is ... How are you? Are you happy? How are you? Are you OK?

 

Dude, say something! ... If you can't genuinely say something to this person, then why are you dating her?

 

Now, I don't think you need to do this ... but just an example ... ask her when she can come see your parents? Yes or no? Don't tiptoe around this.

 

Just from experience, your texts read like text exchanges I have engaged in ... right when I knew things were doing south, right when I sensed (though I like you pretended otherwise) that my partner wanted out of the relationship.

 

At the very least tell her something genuine going on in your life. Ideally something important to you ... Instead, she's talking laundry.

 

Also lose the apologies ... is now a good time? Lose that.

 

Also, you need to confront her in person ... again somehow you apologized and blamed yourself in the middle of confronting her about being distant.

 

Why are you always apologizing?

 

So my new bottom line is: just from reading these texts, this relationship isn't balanced even if you guys were not in this current phase. You're not in your own space and in your own life.