d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 My MIL is 67; she'll be 68 this Fall. I worry about her. She refuses to acknowledge her age. I was out with DH (her son), his brother & the brother's wife. She snapped at us not to call her mom because she didn't want anybody to know she was old enough to have kids our age. On a vacation last year she insisted some drunk 20 something was flirting with her. He was simply sitting down because he was too drunk to walk. Several years ago in a bar she pointed out two 20 something guys & asked me if I thought they'd go out with her. I said no & commented that I thought they were too young for me (I was appalled that she didn't think they were too young for her, probably 40 years her junior). Later that week in a different restaurant, I pointed out 2 well dressed attractive men her age & she was horrified that I would suggest she go out with old goats. These guys were talking about their earlier golf game & seems vibrant to me. Yesterday her daughter said to me that mom is dysmorphic & my husband just shrugs & says that she's behaving like her mother who was mentally ill (no diagnoses or treatment back then) MIL is doing some other kooky things lately too. She is complaining there are ghosts in her house & brought in a priest for a blessing She thinks the FBI is after her. It was a collection agency trying to get her to pay a old debt for her EX-H. She didn't want me & my other SIL to go to the beach because she was afraid we'd be eaten by coyotes; we were in Florida. She tells me she can't find a job because she's being discriminated against based on age but she won't go on the job interviews if it's raining or too hot out. Now she's saying she can't eat fresh produce because people touch it & that spreads germs & she can't eat meat because it contains too much glutton. Lately it's like she's afraid of her own shadow. She takes every negative news story & internalizes it. For example, a 7 year old was shot in a gang thing the next big city over so now she can't go out because it's too dangerous. She's always been a hypochondriac. I think she's attention seeking. Over the winter when two other family members had back pain suddenly she had to go to 16 weeks of PT for a minor fall she'd had months earlier; two weeks earlier I had seen her dancing. I think she's lonely & depressed. I wish I would find a way to help her. She seems so unhappy. The whole thing breaks my heart. I'm not the sit by type although I suppose I should just let it go. You can't help someone who doesn't want help, right? I wish we lived closer.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 I think she's lonely & depressed. I wish I would find a way to help her. She seems so unhappy. The whole thing breaks my heart. I'm not the sit by type although I suppose I should just let it go. You can't help someone who doesn't want help, right? I wish we lived closer. d0nnivain, somewhat coincidentally both my BIL and I are the same age as your MIL. I play tennis 4X week, own and manage my own business with hundreds of employees - and love for my kids and grandkids to call me Dad or Grandpa! My BIL, on the other hand, was unfortunately just moved to a residential memory care facility. I say this only to point out your MIL is at an age where there's a wide spectrum of capability. Is there any official diagnosis she's been given? Her poor judgement in men aside, the ghosts and FBI delusions are similar to the early onset issues my BIL had. Her behavior seems less attention seeking and more disordered, and clarifying that might be a first step in making further decisions. I feel for you, tough spot to be in... Mr. Lucky 1
Author d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 It has been getting odder IMO but I can't say for sure. Maybe I'm just more tuned in. In trying to help her, DH & I bought a house in FL. Then we asked her to help us out by living in & taking care of it while we stay in the NE. We pay for everything except utilities. This was always a ploy to take away the burden of rent for her & to make sure we had a place to stay when we went to go visit. We bought a single family home for the resale value but now I fear that we did wrong by isolating her. If we bought a condo she'd have closer neighbors her age. Given the history of mental illness in the family & knowing my own mother had Alzheimer's I worry. I want her to be safe & happy.
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Would she accept to move in a retirement home/condo? The kind for still active people. She might even find a nice man there. Would you have to absorb a loss if you sell? or this house was meant to be kept no matter the outcome?
Author d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 Would she accept to move in a retirement home/condo? The kind for still active people. She might even find a nice man there. Would you have to absorb a loss if you sell? or this house was meant to be kept no matter the outcome? Oh heck no. She'd be horrified. I thought she was going to (figuratively) kill me when I suggested she join the local senior center to make friends. Her exact response included "why would I want to hang out with 'old' people?" Most of the people she calls friends are younger then her kids. I don't see or hear her spending real time with these folks so I'm not sure what the deal is. The one she's closest to I think sees my MIL as more of a mom; that woman has repeatedly tried to date my husband & his brother (bit she backed off once she found out about me & SIL. She's not a homewrecker but I sense that her friendship with my MIL was initially a ploy to get to the sons) Property values have increased since we bought the house. We'd make a significant profit.
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 haha offer her to move on University campus ;-) 1
Author d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 haha offer her to move on University campus ;-) You joke but I actually did. When we bought the house we were looking at a different property less then 1 mile from a college. We thought we could convert part of it to a 2 family & rent out the apartment side for income. Both DH & I kept talking about the cultural advantages of being the near the college & near a art community so she'd have the young vibe. She wouldn't hear of it because a neighborhood about 5 miles away wasn't so nice.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Given the history of mental illness in the family & knowing my own mother had Alzheimer's I worry. I'd guess whomever the decision makers will be, events will force them to take some kind of action. Unfortunately, these situations seem to only go one way, and I'd guess her behavior will get even stranger and more erratic. My BIL began to claim the clocks wouldn't tell him time and he'd get lost a block from his house. And yet, in other areas, he was relatively high-function. At some point, an intervention will be necessary... Mr. Lucky
preraph Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Well, the thing about being in denial about her age, if you were describing a man instead of a woman, this would be fairly average level of delusion, thinking by some miracle they could still get a nonpaid 20-year-old, but it's rare you see a woman this optimistic, shall we say. Dysmorphic means lots of negative body thoughts, and yet she's quite optimistic in this regard. I can't find anything that shows an opposite of body dysmorphia. And then just dysmorphia (not "body") is still negative thoughts. She's old enough to start having brain degeneration of some type. And this thing about the FBI is plain old paranoia. My friend's grammy had that exact same delusion and they had to put her in a home. You need to get her to a doctor and get a brain scan done and see what you can see. It may be general degeneration or Alzheimer's or it could be a brain tumor affecting her frontal lobe, which can not only give you delusions but also in its extreme, make you downright sociopathic seeming. It's time for a brain scan. No one can make her do it, but whoever knows her doctor's name can write him a letter to put on file suggesting there's been some paranoia and possible delusions and asking for a brain scan. Put it in writing so he puts it in the file and sees it next time she visits.
BaileyB Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 (edited) My first thought was also that she was in the early-mid stages of dementia. I would not be surprised if her behavior becomes more paranoid and erratic. I would keep a close eye on her and be prepared to make some hard decisions... Edited August 22, 2018 by BaileyB
Author d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 They aren't my decisions to make but DH will trust my judgment. His siblings - her children -- seem happy to abdicate the decision making & caretaking to me & the ILs just don't care. Clearly they are smarter then I am. preraph -- I like the idea of writing to the doctor & may try this. It was all so much easier with my parents. They signed HIPPA disclosure forms & the doctors just communicated with me. We're probably 5-10 years away from MIL on that front. We go back down to see her in October. DH's brother & his wife are 20 minutes away but they both work 2 jobs & don't really care. They will be on board if I ask them to, so not obstructionist, but not proactive either.
preraph Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 I had guardianship of my dad because of dimentia. He was uncooperative. My mom had no problem with her daughters jointly managing her money after a point with the help of her nephew in law the city attorney, but did she ever once offer to let us talk to the doctor so we'd know what was really going on? No, she did not. Why? Because she liked to make it up as she went along. We called it, "The world according to Mother." You could never get a straight answer out of her after she saw the doctor. She would believe what she wanted to believe. Hence, she went with an undiagnosed brain tumor they didn't find until she was dying. I'm sure whatever the told the doctors was all skewed all the time, so they didn't have much to go on. I hate that they missed the tumor, though. It made her thinking very slow. I knew something was going on but no idea what. I sure hope I don't inherit my dad's dimentia!
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 They aren't my decisions to make but DH will trust my judgment. His siblings - her children -- seem happy to abdicate the decision making & caretaking to me & the ILs just don't care. Clearly they are smarter then I am. d0nnivain, does she drive or own a vehicle? Mr. Lucky
Author d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2018 Author Posted August 23, 2018 d0nnivain, does she drive or own a vehicle? Yes & I see no problems there. She doesn't get lost often (she recently claimed not to be able to find the location of a job interview 2.5 hours away). She knows how to use GPS. Her driving is not erratic. I drove with her over Memorial Day weekend & was specifically observing. Her night vision is not great according to her so she doesn't generally drive at night. I saw the deteriorating driving skills with my mom & eventually we took the car away. None of that was going on here. If MIL lost her car, she might have to move. I say might because there are grocery stores & pharmacies & doctors within 4-5 block walking distance radius but there are no meaningful public transportation options. Ironically BIL drives for Uber but MIL would never take an Uber. She gets really upset when the rest of us do. It just breaks my heart because assuming she is healthy but lonely & depressed, I think she would be so much better off if she got a PT job for the social / interactive aspects and joined some local organizations like the seniors & possibly the local chapter of something like the Red Hat Society. She refuses to work retail but insists she wants a well paying non-stressful job. Then she doesn't go on the interviews. I found an opening for the assistant manager of a community theater. She's an artist & I thought it'd be fun for her. She thought the hourly rate of pay was too low. I pointed out that this job would be for the perks of meeting the famous people who play at the venue. She refused to apply even though it's less then 10 miles from her house. She had been asked to serve on a volunteer charitable board for her former employer but she balked at giving away her time & talents for free. We are all convinced that if she did things she would be so much happier & many of these problems especially the fake ailments would go away. It's really that she loves being a martyr. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 It's really that she loves being a martyr. So do you think the fears of ghosts and FBI surveillance are made up to get attention? I guess on some level, she's better off having a personality disorder as opposed to a mental one... Mr. Lucky
Author d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2018 Author Posted August 23, 2018 So do you think the fears of ghosts and FBI surveillance are made up to get attention? I guess on some level, she's better off having a personality disorder as opposed to a mental one... My MIL is incredibly naïve. So no I don't think the FBI thing was attention seeking. I think that one she truly believed. I think the ghosts; the "fake" back injury which didn't manifest for months after the minor fall & only after 2 other family members had real back problems; and most importantly the whoa is me I can't get a job when she's not really making an effort to get a job she's qualified for, are totally attention seeking. What scares me is the fluid relationship with the truth. She tells one kid one thing & another kid a different version. She tells me she is always on a diet & eats healthy but there is nothing but junk food in her house. Even the healthy stuff she eats the worst versions -- bottled smoothies, Oikos yogurt (highest sugars & calories with lowest protein) frozen "diet" meals no fresh fruits or vegetables. She tells me she applies for jobs; then I find out she didn't. She tells me things can't be done; it takes me 1/2 hour to get them done. It's annoying. When she retired she told me she was getting out early (6 months early) because she had money in the bank. It turned out to be less then 1 year's salary & she wasn't all that well paid to begin with. Her monthly SS check was only $200 more per month then her rent & she was sending money to 2 of her kids & 2 of her sisters. When I explained to the kids how little money mom actually had they stopped asking & SIL now sends mom money. I was a little upset last year when she was telling people that her new landlord was awful & wouldn't fix the house up. She also complained to DH that the neighborhood was unsafe. He blew a gasket, reminding her that she picked the neighborhood & the house & we bought it sight unseen but if she was that unhappy he'd have a for sale sign in the yard in an hour then she could go live wherever she was happy to pay rent. She shut up after that.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 She shut up after that. Boy, so much of her behavior reminds me of my late grandmother - we had to call her "Mama Jo" as she didn't want people to know she had grandkids. Sound familiar? My middle son was born 10 weeks prematurely and had life or death surgery when only a few months old. "Mama Jo" showed up at the hospital when we were awaiting the results and complained loudly to my mom that no one wanted to come out to the parking lot to see her new car. She also called my wife out at a family dinner at her house, claiming my wife's use of the salt and pepper on the table was an insult to her cooking and had ruined the entire meal. No matter what the circumstances, she needed to be the center of attention and manipulated my mom endlessly towards that goal. I empathized with my mom's grief but didn't shed a single tear when she passed. And her 2nd husband, my step-granddad, was the nicest guy in the world. Never made sense to me... Mr. Lucky
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