CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Perhaps he could tell you were the type to have this attitude so was only going to follow through if he heard from you. Otherwise he was like, "eh..."
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 That's the part I'm having difficulty with for the OP; you sent that text to cancel. OP, when you made your decision not to go, why not let him know? Whether he intended to show up or not, it would be common courtesy IMO. Exactly. It's very hypocritical.
PRW Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 If I don't hear anything from you I will assume no". He did respond and we had an OLD and it was ... Lousy to say the least, but I think this has to do with his weakness not mine. It had to do with "If I don't hear anything from you I will assume no". I would have responded with canceling the date 5
JuneL Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 It had to do with "If I don't hear anything from you I will assume no". I would have responded with canceling the date I also find her way of confirming the date pretty negative. 4
Juha Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 It had to do with "If I don't hear anything from you I will assume no". I would have responded with canceling the date I would also cancel the date if I received a message like this. To me it says I am a negative person and you are lumped in with all the other a-hole men. I will pass on a person with that attitude every time. When I make plans with someone it goes into my calendar and I show up when I planned. I do not need to reconfirm day of as I am a man of my word and if you can't give me that respect because you have had some bad experiences from other guys that are not me then that is your issue and I do not want to deal with a woman that is so closed minded and negative. 1
guest569 Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 Ditto, sounds very negative and flat out rude. "hey, are you going to flake on me? I suspect so. And I bet you can't be bothered replying to me and won't even pay me that respect, in which case I will assume it's off." Yeah, well done. You really rub a lot of people the wrong way. But that's fine because it's everyone else with the problem, not you. 2
losangelena Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 I don't think there's anything wrong with confirming, hell, I even confirm if I'm meeting friends somewhere, but in a very lighthearted way, like, "leaving now, see you soon" kind of thing. I am not assuming they won't be there, I assume they'd have already let me know if they couldn't. I approach dates the same way. Sending a little playful text the morning of, saying I'm looking forward to seeing them later, usually gets a good response, and I get my answer. But I can do that while assuming best intent on the guy's part. I'd never say, "if I don't hear back from you by 5:00 pm, I'm canceling." That does feel quite negative. 2
guest569 Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 Yes, and it gives them an easy "out" Your approach of "looking forward to meeting!" much better.
Elpida. Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 I don't know. Let me get this straight. He suggested a time and place and you confirmed. I feel like in his eyes, he saw that as confirmation it was all going ahead. I mean, IMO you could have dropped him a quick message to say "Hey are we still on?", he may have gone ahead and got ready/waited around for you. Weird. I think you were a bit preemptive in writing this guy off. If you had followed up as above and he had ignored you or declined THEN you could have wrote him off as rude or losing interest, but people have different ways of confirming plans.
PRW Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 It had to do with "If I don't hear anything from you I will assume no". I would have responded with canceling the dateIt may not have been intended to be that negative, but tone-of-voice and accurate facial expressions do not translate in written text (look at some of the stuff I write in these forums ). But it certainly would have felt negative to me.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 I am a fact driven person, I keep schedules and I make sure appointments are met no matter what. If I say I will be there, I will be there. When people do not take these initiatives or say "Whatever you want, I have no preference, etc." that shows they are not very respectful of others. Well, no, you don't. That's quite clearly not true. Do you really not see the hypocrisy of your words and your behaviour? 1
BluEyeL Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 I don’t know , I can see this both ways . I would have gone but I would have assumed he’s going to be a no show. Most of the time no confirmation means no show but I’d go because people are different and maybe they think there is no need to confirm. But I’d have 10% hope they will show. 1
nospam99 Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 Most of the time no confirmation means no show BS! 14 meets. 0% confirmation on day of meet. 0% no show. My meets are batting 1.000 and have NEVER confirmed same day. The only time my dating partners confirm same day is (rarely) for a date subsequent to the first meeting. I'm not living on a different planet from the rest of you. I can only surmise that I have been both sufficiently selective about the character and sincerity of the women I choose to meet and sufficiently diligent to ensure that we are both in full agreement about the plans for the meeting. 1
kendahke Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 BS! 14 meets. 0% confirmation on day of meet. 0% no show. My meets are batting 1.000 and have NEVER confirmed same day. That's great that this works for you and you've had the experiences you've had doing it this way. However, just because that's your reality doesn't mean it's a reality for everyone else, so no, that doesn't make what she said BS. Your experiences are your own and no one else's, so if someone is saying they do confirm because of their experiences, that doesn't make them wrong for doing it. It has nothing to do with confidence levels--it has to do with not wanting to waste time, deal with traffic, gas, money to park/take MassTransit/Uber-Lyft to go sit by yourself for 45 minutes and they don't show up.
Shining One Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 BS! 14 meets. 0% confirmation on day of meet. 0% no show. My meets are batting 1.000 and have NEVER confirmed same day. The only time my dating partners confirm same day is (rarely) for a date subsequent to the first meeting. I'm not living on a different planet from the rest of you. I can only surmise that I have been both sufficiently selective about the character and sincerity of the women I choose to meet and sufficiently diligent to ensure that we are both in full agreement about the plans for the meeting.Age is probably a factor. I've had a decent number of no shows from women in their twenties, but no uncommunicated no shows from women in their late thirties.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 I don't think there's anything wrong with confirming, hell, I even confirm if I'm meeting friends somewhere, but in a very lighthearted way, like, "leaving now, see you soon" kind of thing. I am not assuming they won't be there, I assume they'd have already let me know if they couldn't. I approach dates the same way. Sending a little playful text the morning of, saying I'm looking forward to seeing them later, usually gets a good response, and I get my answer. But I can do that while assuming best intent on the guy's part. I'd never say, "if I don't hear back from you by 5:00 pm, I'm canceling." That does feel quite negative. I agree with you. Heck, even the stranger I bought a $20 item from at 3:30 in the afternoon yesterday confirmed with me at 7AM that we were still on. However, I'd still have showed even without a confirmation because even if HE had been rude, I am not.
nospam99 Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 That's great that this works for you and you've had the experiences you've had doing it this way. However, just because that's your reality doesn't mean it's a reality for everyone else, so no, that doesn't make what she said BS. Your experiences are your own and no one else's, so if someone is saying they do confirm because of their experiences, that doesn't make them wrong for doing it. It has nothing to do with confidence levels--it has to do with not wanting to waste time, deal with traffic, gas, money to park/take MassTransit/Uber-Lyft to go sit by yourself for 45 minutes and they don't show up. What was said that I 'called BS on' was ''Most of the time no confirmation means no show'' .... a generalized blanket statement ...most of the time (meaning 50% or greater, no?) and not qualified by pointing out it was one person's experience. While it's easy to disprove a generalization, what I really object to is the implied negativism and the (sometimes) no-show justified by 'someone else did it to me'. 1
JuneL Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 Age is probably a factor. I've had a decent number of no shows from women in their twenties, but no uncommunicated no shows from women in their late thirties. I think that, more generally, it depends on the vibe you’re getting from your convo before the first meet too. If the person sounds mature and respectful and thoughtful, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be stood up. But I gather OP’s text convo on the app was super casual and not with much effort from either side, so it’s not surprising she’s expecting a no show if not confirmed.
kendahke Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 I've never felt the need to give or receive any confirmation. I've never been stood up. If someone stood me up in this way I would count myself lucky. I agree with PRW that it seems insecure and lacking in confidence to assume they will bail.. Also sad to assuume everyone is flaky. And as carhill said, communication! Not everyone needs to touch base. If you do, ask for it. I don't see him as lacking aggression. The "are we still on?" confirmation seems annoying and unnecessary and shows insecurity. I really hate flakes and if someone can't keep their word and show up on the agreed time then I'm not interested and neither were they. Pride goes before destruction... And you won't know this until they don't show up at your agreed to time/place. But funny thing--this never bothers the men I now meet. In fact, I will get texts from them confirming before I've even gotten to typing the text... and they're not lacking in confidence by any stretch of the imagination. I don't assume people are flaky--if I was in my 20's/30's, I would, but not over the age of 55. I assume men in my age bracket are busy and have lives and jobs that sometimes get in the way of personal plans.
BluEyeL Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 BS! 14 meets. 0% confirmation on day of meet. 0% no show. My meets are batting 1.000 and have NEVER confirmed same day. The only time my dating partners confirm same day is (rarely) for a date subsequent to the first meeting. I'm not living on a different planet from the rest of you. I can only surmise that I have been both sufficiently selective about the character and sincerity of the women I choose to meet and sufficiently diligent to ensure that we are both in full agreement about the plans for the meeting. That’s why I would have gone. Because it could be someone like you . I’ve only been stood up once early in my dating career, when my picker wasn’t yet working very well so I didn’t have lots of negative experiences, but I’m just saying that Id go but be a bit worried. In principle you’re right if you have a date and time there is a date and this is why both should show up as agreed.
PRW Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 BS! 14 meets. 0% confirmation on day of meet. 0% no show. My meets are batting 1.000 and have NEVER confirmed same day. The only time my dating partners confirm same day is (rarely) for a date subsequent to the first meeting. I'm not living on a different planet from the rest of you. I can only surmise that I have been both sufficiently selective about the character and sincerity of the women I choose to meet and sufficiently diligent to ensure that we are both in full agreement about the plans for the meeting. Agree. I never confirm and I also never "chit-chat" (text or voice) on the phone between setting the date and going on the date, which seems controversial to many. I have never had a no-show,...ever. I have only had one cancellation in the last 3 years since I started dating again, but she properly contacted me and canceled. All the rest we always met, the date may have been good or bad, but we always met.
NuevoYorko Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 This is a pretty big discussion for a basic etiquette issue. Isn't it simple? Anyone who is not going to show up for a date or any other kind of appointment is required to cancel, unless they have had a debilitating event. What is going on inside their head is not a valid excuse for bowing off a scheduled appointment. Neither is the poor behavior / manners of other people. Sorry to pile on, OP, if this is how it seems - but from my reading the only one in your story who did anything wrong was you, for not holding up your end of the deal. Next time if you're not feeling it, just text. It's not difficult or personal. 3
guest569 Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 (edited) Pride goes before destruction... And you won't know this until they don't show up at your agreed to time/place. But funny thing--this never bothers the men I now meet. In fact, I will get texts from them confirming before I've even gotten to typing the text... and they're not lacking in confidence by any stretch of the imagination. I don't assume people are flaky--if I was in my 20's/30's, I would, but not over the age of 55. I assume men in my age bracket are busy and have lives and jobs that sometimes get in the way of personal plans. Maybe if he set the date several weeks prior. Guessing not. If life gets in the way, and they completely forget to tell you, awesome, forget them. I'm not going to be their personal assistant or mother Are you saying that people under 55 are unemployed and have no lives? Last paragraph really does not make sense. Edited August 23, 2018 by smiley1
Happy Lemming Posted August 23, 2018 Posted August 23, 2018 In my youth, I would have probably confirmed with a phone call the day before, as this was a pre-cell phone era. Now, I would expect a text only if the person was going to cancel. Like other posters, I put my appointments in my computer with a reminder. I always get excited about a new dating opportunity, so I know I would have shown up to meet someone new. It's exciting meeting someone new!! I look forward to hearing unique and different life experiences, stories and adventures they had been on. About 15 years ago, I was dating someone new and I showed up at her apartment for our Friday night date and she had forgotten. She had a hard day at work, came home, microwaved something for dinner and was in her sweat pants watching TV. To salvage the date, I suggested we go out for ice cream instead of dinner, as she had already eaten. She quickly changed, put on some makeup and out the door we went. We still had a great time. I think any date can be salvaged and made into a nice time, as long as both parties are willing to try. 1
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