No confirmation

[mortensorchid]

I was to have an OLD this evening. We had met and had exchanged pleasantries on Bumble. He asked to meet, I said alright. He said we should meet at (place) at (time) and I agreed. I did not hear from him today via text on my phone or through the app, I did not reach out to him. I was super tired when I came home today, laid down and took a nap, and he never called or texted. I decided not to reach out to him because I feared it would be a situation like that last guy from a few weeks ago - was so not into me it was ridiculous (see some previous threads). If he's not going to even attempt to take a more aggressive role in it, then he's not worth anyone's time / effort.

 

I think it was for the best if that is/was the case, which I think this is showing itself to be. I'm just tired of this nothing but dead ends.

[coolheadal]

So you became other option in the eyes of another guy. So your right not to show up as he didn't even bother to confirm the meeting by text or cell. Some reason he's lost interest. Or something else came along his eyes another option. But these Tinder/Bumble also Yo Cutie apps why are you so depended on them. Are there no men around where you live want to be with such a great woman like yourself. I mean this in a good way, please don't take me wrong. I just can't get it your smart you know things about relationships and such plus your teacher as well!

Edited August 21, 2018 by coolheadal

[nospam99]

I was to have an OLD this evening. We had met and had exchanged pleasantries on Bumble. He asked to meet, I said alright. He said we should meet at (place) at (time) and I agreed. I did not hear from him today via text on my phone or through the app, I did not reach out to him. I was super tired when I came home today, laid down and took a nap, and he never called or texted. I decided not to reach out to him because I feared it would be a situation like that last guy from a few weeks ago - was so not into me it was ridiculous (see some previous threads). If he's not going to even attempt to take a more aggressive role in it, then he's not worth anyone's time / effort.

 

I think it was for the best if that is/was the case, which I think this is showing itself to be. I'm just tired of this nothing but dead ends.

 

Wow. Let me get this straight - because he didn't contact you the day of a previously arranged date, you decided not to show up? If it was me, I'd think that you had flaked. Place and time were set. Though it 'might' have been polite for him to communicate again to REMIND you, that shouldn't be necessary for adults. My 'ladies' and I call each other if we CAN'T make it to an arranged date, not if we can. You showed disinterest - VERY impolite. Think about that the next time you complain about a lack of success with OLD.

[kendahke]

Place and time were set. Though it 'might' have been polite for him to communicate again to REMIND you, that shouldn't be necessary for adults.

 

 

Yeah, I've taken this route and was stood up. Texted him 20 minutes after the agreed to meet up time/spot and he said "oh, yeah, sorry I was called into work this morning". The date was at 4:30p. Plenty of time to call and cancel, but he didn't.

 

So I can understand Mortensorchid's view of some form of confirmation day of--that's just showing a mature respect for other's time--especially a first time meeting that he agreed to.

[Zahara]

I would have still made it a point to show up and keep my end of the bargain. You both had definite plans, I don't see the need to reconfirm. If you wanted "aggressive" -- he wasted no time and planned the date, time and venue for your first meet.

 

Don't make comparisons with your dates but view each one individually -- if you are going to spin negatives in your head even before the date has even taken off then all you're going to do is continue to self-sabotage.

[smackie9]

I think this was a mexican stand off...you were expecting him to reach out, and he was expecting you to reach out....you both flaked on each other lol.

[rightondude]

if you decided not to meet up you could have easily let him know just as easily as he could have confirmed the date was taking place as planned, right?

[TheFinalWord]

I was to have an OLD this evening. We had met and had exchanged pleasantries on Bumble. He asked to meet, I said alright. He said we should meet at (place) at (time) and I agreed. I did not hear from him today via text on my phone or through the app, I did not reach out to him. I was super tired when I came home today, laid down and took a nap, and he never called or texted. I decided not to reach out to him because I feared it would be a situation like that last guy from a few weeks ago - was so not into me it was ridiculous (see some previous threads). If he's not going to even attempt to take a more aggressive role in it, then he's not worth anyone's time / effort.

 

I think it was for the best if that is/was the case, which I think this is showing itself to be. I'm just tired of this nothing but dead ends.

 

Sounds like you flaked on him, rather than the other way around...

[Chilli]

Yep l agree sounds more on you than him he already set it all up you could've easily sent him a quick message .

He probably went and waited round so ya won't be hearing from him again..

[TheFinalWord]

One thing that OP seems to do is to impute the actions of other men, onto the current guy she is talking to. That is unfair to the current guy. I know it's easy to do and it's easy to get bitter. But unless you can give each person a fresh slate, it's probably better to take some time away from dating, especially OLD which is permeated with flakes and mental disorders.

[guest569]

That's crap. He asked you out, you said yes. Then stood him up for no reason. What the hell?

[carhill]

-No confirmation-

 

If wanting a confirmation, request one. Communicate. Back when I was dating I'd tell the lady, if we made a date for a future date, that I'd call her (no texting back then) to confirm and I did, usually the night before the date. If she wanted something else it was up to her to communicate that. Everyone's an adult and communication is key, especially in marriages

[nospam99]

Observation: The males, me included, are scolding WAY more than the females. A couple of females have even attempted to justify OP's action. Is this another fundamental difference in the way the sexes deal with stuff?

[PRW]

I was to have an OLD this evening. We had met and had exchanged pleasantries on Bumble. He asked to meet, I said alright. He said we should meet at (place) at (time) and I agreed. I did not hear from him today via text on my phone or through the app, I did not reach out to him. I was super tired when I came home today, laid down and took a nap, and he never called or texted. I decided not to reach out to him because I feared it would be a situation like that last guy from a few weeks ago - was so not into me it was ridiculous (see some previous threads). If he's not going to even attempt to take a more aggressive role in it, then he's not worth anyone's time / effort.

 

I think it was for the best if that is/was the case, which I think this is showing itself to be. I'm just tired of this nothing but dead ends.

The guy handled it exactly like he should have. It demonstrated (generally speaking) that he is secure and confident and doesn't need affirmation from you that you will show up. It is also intended to reveal if the woman is insecure and unreliable,..and if she needs "affirmation" (which is not good).

 

I have no problem being stood up. I don't do a bunch of chit-chat between setting a date and showing up, nor do any "confirmation calls". If I say I am going to be there, then I am going to be there. If you are a no-show then I just write you off,...you failed the test. If we were going to a really nice place I may then go ahead have the dinner by myself or just look for something else to do. My life doesn't stop because she stood me up.

 

So if one guy stood you up,...welcome to the club, let's have a group hug. You got your answer about him and you know to move on to the next one. It is far better to get stood up than have an awkward uncomfortable date with some wack-job.

[kendahke]

Observation: The males, me included, are scolding WAY more than the females. A couple of females have even attempted to justify OP's action. Is this another fundamental difference in the way the sexes deal with stuff?

 

Female what? Pipe fitting? Electrical outlet? Human? Oh, they're called 'women'. Female is an adjective, not a noun.

 

No, it's conveying an experience I had with meeting up at a previously agreed to time/place with someone with whom no confirmation text/call was made, since that is your rallying cry here, and he didn't bother to show up or call/text to tell me he had to go into work, if that was even the truth.

 

Nowadays, I text the morning of to tell them I'm looking forward to meeting them. If they do not text back by 1 1/2 hours before the agreed to meeting time, I text them and cancel.

[PRW]

Female what? Pipe fitting? Electrical outlet? Human? Oh, they're called 'women'. Female is an adjective, not a noun.

 

No, it's conveying an experience I had with meeting up at a previously agreed to time/place with someone with whom no confirmation text/call was made, since that is your rallying cry here, and he didn't bother to show up or call/text to tell me he had to go into work, if that was even the truth.

 

Nowadays, I text the morning of to tell them I'm looking forward to meeting them. If they do not text back by 1 1/2 hours before the agreed to meeting time, I text them and cancel.

Then you are going to miss out on a lot of dates. Especially dates who get out of bed in the morning later than you anticipated (maybe work schedule) and miss your arbitrary deadline.

 

Think about it,...do you really want to get involved with someone who had to be reminded the "morning of" by you to show up at date that they had already agreed upon? Do you want to rely on someone who can't show up somewhere based solely on their word without having to be reminded?

 

You are better off being stood-up because you kept your word even when they didn't, and move on to the next one.

[kendahke]

Then you are going to miss out on a lot of dates. Especially dates who get out of bed in the morning later than you anticipated (maybe work schedule) and his your arbitrary deadline.

 

Think about it,...do you really want to get involved with someone who had to be reminded the "morning of" by you to show up at date that they had already agreed upon? Do you want to rely on someone who can't show up somewhere based solely on their word without having to be reminded?

 

You are better off being stood-up because you kept your word even when they didn't, and move on to the next one.

 

You don't know what you're talking about.

[FMW]

I would have gone since the time and place were agreed upon ahead of time. I might have been a little anxious he wouldn't show up, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if he didn't.

 

There's a good chance he was there as planned and thinks you stood HIM up.

 

As Carhill stated, if you want to have confirmation for a first date let the guy know that, maybe even say you'll confirm with him the day of just to make sure nothing comes up for him.

 

I think it's simply a difference in communication needs and styles, neither side is wrong or right.

[glows]

I just don't think you both were feeling each other honestly. You didn't get the vibe that he was into you or not that much to meet and he didn't make much of an effort to reach out prior to the date and you BOTH didn't make the effort to make a unique connection over the phone etc. There was really no connection at all. So what the hell is about right.

 

I met my husband on an online dating website and I remember the first conversation (we've talked about it a lot since then!) on the phone that same night he messaged me on the app. We both dropped everything to speak to each other for almost two hours and the sparks were flying from the first five minutes till today. Without a doubt, I was definitely meeting this man!

 

If you're feeling burnt out or irritable just take a break and save yourself the time and hassle. It's really not about anyone else but you, honey. You're the one here. You're the one feeling bad and expressing yourself here yesterday/today. You're the one who has to wake up with the feeling and sleep with that feeling and whatever sadness you're carrying. Take care of yourself.

[nospam99]

You don't know what you're talking about.

 

Without putting additional words in his mouth, I'm pretty sure I know what PRW is talking about. And I still think it's the way males with decent values have been socialized.

 

If I say I'll be at a place at a time, I will be there or I will contact my 'date' to tell her I'll be late or can't make it. BTW late has happened, can't make it - NEVER (yet - car could break down, a relative could die, I could be injured). And there are plenty of days that I am busy enough (or the cell phone doesn't connect) that I can't respond to a request for confirmation. On the other hand, if 'she' no-shows without a good reason .... well, it's not on a level of cheating. But it's pretty damn bad - no interest, no personal integrity, time to move on. And a justification that 'some other guy' stood her up 'some other time' is too lame to accept. I am not 'some other guy' and I deserve the RESPECT to be treated as such.

[ChatroomHero]

I have no problem being stood up. I don't do a bunch of chit-chat between setting a date and showing up, nor do any "confirmation calls". If I say I am going to be there, then I am going to be there. If you are a no-show then I just write you off,....

 

 

 

I don't know, if I am planning on meeting a stranger and set plans ahead of time, I would assume without some kind of confirmation it would be about a 99% flake rate.

 

 

When I make plans with a woman, I don't necessarily text every day up until the day of, but I always confirm the day of or day before. With people I have already dated and reasonably expect them to show up even without confirmation for the next date, the flake rate is still pretty high without confirmation...you get the, "I didn't know if we were still on" pretty much every time... So if I am meeting a stranger from the internet who may change their mind or not be completely into it to begin with and not know if they are really interested or attracted, the confirmation text from either party is just a smart move.

 

 

Hell, I have close friends I see all the time that are not flaky but if we make plans for next Tuesday, I still confirm the day of or the day before in case something changed, they forgot or they need to meet up earlier or later...and these are people I know and trust and never flake on me. So a confirmation text from either party the day of is kind of expected as far as I am concerned.

 

 

It sounds like the guy maybe didn't show up either because OP never said he called or texted saying he was there or asking where she was at. Frankly I think OP could just read the writing on the wall because when there is no confirmation call or text, the other person 99.9% of the time flakes. The guy should also know that no confirmation text or call means she will probably not show up. For that matter when I schedule onsite visits with customers at work, days ahead of time and it's in both parties calendars, I still send a confirmation email because people forget or things change.

 

 

There are certain actions with OLD or dating in general that everybody with any experience knows, things like...

 

 

-Make a Friday date on Monday, not follow up on Thursday or Friday = No date.

-Text the other person the day of and don't get a relatively timely answer = Last minute excuse coming.

-Text from the other person to move the time back because of "work" or "we might have to meet later/change plans" = Delayed cancellation coming.

-Other person agrees with an approximate time they will be free to meet = "Something came up" excuse coming.

 

 

I just think OP learned from her past and played the odds correctly.

[guest569]

I've never felt the need to give or receive any confirmation. I've never been stood up. If someone stood me up in this way I would count myself lucky. I agree with PRW that it seems insecure and lacking in confidence to assume they will bail.. Also sad to assuume everyone is flaky. And as carhill said, communication! Not everyone needs to touch base. If you do, ask for it. I don't see him as lacking aggression. The "are we still on?" confirmation seems annoying and unnecessary and shows insecurity. I really hate flakes and if someone can't keep their word and show up on the agreed time then I'm not interested and neither were they.

[mortensorchid]

I had one recently where I did send a confirmation text the day of the appointment. It read "Are we still on for this evening? If I don't hear anything from you I will assume no". He did respond and we had an OLD and it was ... Lousy to say the least, but I think this has to do with his weakness not mine.

 

I am a fact driven person, I keep schedules and I make sure appointments are met no matter what. If I say I will be there, I will be there. When people do not take these initiatives or say "Whatever you want, I have no preference, etc." that shows they are not very respectful of others.

[NuevoYorko]

Nowadays, I text the morning of to tell them I'm looking forward to meeting them. If they do not text back by 1 1/2 hours before the agreed to meeting time, I text them and cancel.

That's the part I'm having difficulty with for the OP; you sent that text to cancel. OP, when you made your decision not to go, why not let him know? Whether he intended to show up or not, it would be common courtesy IMO.

[MidwestUSA]

I had one recently where I did send a confirmation text the day of the appointment. It read "Are we still on for this evening? If I don't hear anything from you I will assume no". He did respond and we had an OLD and it was ... Lousy to say the least, but I think this has to do with his weakness not mine.

 

I am a fact driven person, I keep schedules and I make sure appointments are met no matter what. If I say I will be there, I will be there. When people do not take these initiatives or say "Whatever you want, I have no preference, etc." that shows they are not very respectful of others.

 

You say this, but you did the exact opposite.

 

You're letting past experiences dictate future actions. If your gut feeling was that he was going to flake, you could have initiated the confirmation.

 

I think you need take a break from OLD. A long break.