JiltedJane Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 (edited) My bf and I took a 2-3 week break after getting in a huge argument about getting married (both of us in our mid 30s). His behavior the weeks prior to the break was completely bizarre and unlike him. After 2 weeks he finally reached out and confessed that after more than a decade of sobriety he started having intense cravings again but has not used. In these weeks he’s been going to meetings and trying to find a counselor. After an extremely emotional reunion last night, we decided that we still really love each other and want to stay together. However, he still wants space to figure out what is going on in his head. We agreed to slowly try to get back to normal by seeing each other once a week and talking every other day. Right now because of my schedule this is ideal, but I’m still conflicted. I’m afraid these cravings could be due to commitment issues and that I’m wasting my time. After two yrs of dating I feel like we should be moving forward not backwards. Does this transition period seem like a bad or good idea? Has anyone ever dealt with this sort of thing, relapse or potential relapse? How did you guys work it out? How did u support them? Does wanting to be together but still have space make sense? Edited August 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge duplicates into SC and edit for paragraphs 1
MrsXXX Posted August 7, 2018 Posted August 7, 2018 Hey, im in a sort of transitional stage too so I just wanted to reach out and show you some support. I have no advice to give as I’m trying to find my own way! It’s tough, my emotions are all over the place as I’m overthinking everything! Sorry I can’t be any help Xx
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2018 Posted August 7, 2018 It seems he felt a lot of pressure from those marriage conversations. Two years dating isn't that much and maybe he needs more time to confirm this is really what he wants. Marriage is a huge deal for men so they need to be 100% on board. I have a friend who's sober 20 years and if he gets too much pressure or if he has a broken heart he needs to spend time alone and he goes to 3-4 meetings a week, speaks to his sponcer each day etc till he feels strong again. As a friend I respect that and try to only bring support and positive in his life during that phase. If marriage is more important than being with him by all mean end it here. I would be happy to live with my BF for the rest of my life without a marriage. Our assets can be protected through a notary and mutual life insurance will take care of us in case of death.
No_Go Posted August 7, 2018 Posted August 7, 2018 A 'break' is a terrible sign for relationship stability, even if we don't take into account his other (very serious) issues. If you want to keep this relationship, take baby steps at a time - meaning treat it as a new dating situation until the things stabilize for few months. Otherwise you'd slip sooner than later into comfortable state, another fight and it will be done for good. Been there done that. It's also not time to talk engagement for at least few months. Maybe after half year, if you are still together and stable, you can reevaluate.
Author JiltedJane Posted August 7, 2018 Author Posted August 7, 2018 I’m definitely avoiding the engagement talk for a while. I just need advice on if this plan is stupid or not. And, what I can do to help without being overwhelming. It’s just even more confusing because he supposedly has not relapsed into using again. He just is having intense cravings. There is no advice on the internet for cravings without using Side note: in the weeks we didn’t see each other, he’s gained a ton of weight, esp in the face. However, it’s not a bloated look. Could that be a sign of relapse or maybe some emotional over eating? I on the other hand have lost 7lbs.... 1
No_Go Posted August 7, 2018 Posted August 7, 2018 Having dealt with alcoholics all my life, I HIGHLY doubt it is just cravings...... Weight gain can be because he's trying to eat to suppress his cravings. Are you 100% sure he was not using while you were together? Some men are very creative hiding their addiction (I was discovering hidden bottles everywhere after I kicked out my ex who was 'not using') I’m definitely avoiding the engagement talk for a while. I just need advice on if this plan is stupid or not. And, what I can do to help without being overwhelming. It’s just even more confusing because he supposedly has not relapsed into using again. He just is having intense cravings. There is no advice on the internet for cravings without using Side note: in the weeks we didn’t see each other, he’s gained a ton of weight, esp in the face. However, it’s not a bloated look. Could that be a sign of relapse or maybe some emotional over eating? I on the other hand have lost 7lbs....
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2018 Posted August 7, 2018 I’m definitely avoiding the engagement talk for a while. I just need advice on if this plan is stupid or not. And, what I can do to help without being overwhelming. It’s just even more confusing because he supposedly has not relapsed into using again. He just is having intense cravings. There is no advice on the internet for cravings without using Side note: in the weeks we didn’t see each other, he’s gained a ton of weight, esp in the face. However, it’s not a bloated look. Could that be a sign of relapse or maybe some emotional over eating? I on the other hand have lost 7lbs.... What was he addicted to?
Author JiltedJane Posted August 7, 2018 Author Posted August 7, 2018 Having dealt with alcoholics all my life, I HIGHLY doubt it is just cravings...... Weight gain can be because he's trying to eat to suppress his cravings. Are you 100% sure he was not using while you were together? Some men are very creative hiding their addiction (I was discovering hidden bottles everywhere after I kicked out my ex who was 'not using') I’m pretty sure he wasn’t using.
Author JiltedJane Posted August 9, 2018 Author Posted August 9, 2018 Anyone else have advice on this plan? Or tips for making it work?
Author JiltedJane Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) So my bf of two years and I broke up last night. Over the past month he has been having intense cravings after 13 years of sobriety. He swears he hasnt been using, but his personality practically did a 180 over night. He went from texting me all day everyday to taking hours answer back or just flat out ignoring me. He would tell me a dozen times a day that he loved me and how happy i made him. Now he still tells me he loves me, but does not want to see me until he figures out whats going on with him. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be around the one you love or at the very least talk to them. WE originally agreed after taking a break for a few weeks to slowly get back together by seeing each other once a week and talking every other day. However, he would not hold up his end of the bargain. He swears up and down that I am the love of his life, hes still madly in love with me, and that he will contact me again after he figures all this addiction stuff out. He just doesn't know when. HE also swears that hes doing this because he doesn't want to drag me into his mess, even though i told him "hey drag me, I'm here to support you!" Hes been going to a counselor and NA meetings 3-4 times per week, so I'm proud he's actually being progressive. This is the most ****ed up situation i have ever been in. I don't understand how you can be so in love with someone and think they're the one, but not want to be around them at all or speak to them. Nothing on the internet addresses this issue. I feel like everything up till this point has been total bull****. A month ago we were planning on getting married and starting a family this fall. Have any addicts and especially men out there done this to the person they love? Did you eventually come back or make contact? ball park: how long weeks/months did you as an addict (esp if you were not using) take to get yourself together? I'm afraid hes going to meet and fall in love with someone else. And I'm afraid to date due to guilt and the thought of him possibly popping up again. Any thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated. Edited August 13, 2018 by JiltedJane
preraph Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I bet he drank or something. He doesn't want you to know. 1
No_Go Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Ugh I experienced similar feelings (fear to date, back and forth etc) after my two year relationship ended. Thinking back on it, the break up was the best thing that happened in my life, I’d have been truly miserable with this dude. I’d say addicts do NOT change for anyone, they are just unable to... I dealt with some and it’s a never ending viscous cycle. I don’t believe in his sobriety don’t ask me why, it’s a gut feeling based on personal observations of addicts. Plus your relationship has been rocky - after 2 years you shouldn’t be in this state, it would have only got worse. I know it’s scary to move on in your 30s but in your case I believe it’s for the best. If you want to do it gradually don’t date just yet and keep him as FWB. I know it sounds weird but every single breakup of mine got through this (temporary ‘warmup’ leading to FWB I till we fully move on). In 6 months you’d be getting sick of the thought of him and probably after new love:$
anika99 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Most addicts have other issues besides addiction and sometimes the addiction is just a symptom of those issues. I don't know if your bf loves you or not but I do think he doesn't want to marry you and that your plans to marry this fall is what triggered him. He may have abandonment issues or issues around feeling engulfed or controlled. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I think you need to move on from him, OP. I would almost put money on the fact that he has relapsed, but I don't think that's the only problem. He isn't ready for a family and marriage, and knows he can't offer you the kind of life you would like. He is actually doing the right thing by ending it, if that's the case. Don't worry about dating other men right now. Focus on your healing so you can let go and move on to someone who wants what you want. 1
Whodatdog Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) So my bf of two years and I broke up last night. Over the past month he has been having intense cravings after 13 years of sobriety. I feel like everything up till this point has been total bull****. A month ago we were planning on getting married and starting a family this fall. <SNIP> I dont think those 2 things are coincidental. It seems to me that more and more men are secretly horrified of marriage. Many dont consider it a natural step in their life, but that it is something to be feared. Stories of bad divorces, financial ruin fuel these feelings. Where its a natural next step for women, its often not for men. I wonder had you not started planning a marriage, if he wouldnt have started drinking again. Maybe it is coincidental; maybe not. Edited August 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
BaileyB Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 It does sound like he has relapsed or he is afraid he is going to relapse... In other words, he has bigger fish to fry right now... This isn't about you, he needs to focus on his sobriety right now. 1
stillafool Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I dont think those 2 things are coincidental. It seems to me that more and more men are secretly horrified of marriage. Many dont consider it a natural step in their life, but that it is something to be feared. Stories of bad divorces, financial ruin fuel these feelings. Where its a natural next step for women, its often not for men. I wonder had you not started planning a marriage, if he wouldnt have started drinking again. Maybe it is coincidental; maybe not. Also the huge financial responsibility of marriage and having to be the strong one is scaring a lot of men out of marriage.
Author JiltedJane Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) It does sound like he has relapsed or he is afraid he is going to relapse... In other words, he has bigger fish to fry right now... This isn't about you, he needs to focus on his sobriety right now. Does it seem at all plausible that he will contact me again in the future? Is it normal to shut yourself off completely from the one you love? I also want to add that I was going to help pay for my ring or use my gma’s and I wanted a simple court house wedding. He was gong-ho about having a kid and pushing for it for over a year. Does anyone know how long recovery takes ( esp if they hadn’t relapsed). I know every situation is unique, I’m looking for a ballpark figure here. Edited August 13, 2018 by JiltedJane
No_Go Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I bet money he'll contact you over and over - to have sex with you, and when he feels lonely. It's not evil as it sounds - it's normal deconvolution response. I highly doubt it it will go back to anything serious from here on... And you may waste years trying to figure this one out For addiction remission, the initial criteria is 12 months, but I believe something like 3-5 years is the risky time. It's a chronic illness... Does it seem at all plausible that he will contact me again in the future? Is it normal to shut yourself off completely from the one you love? I also want to add that I was going to help pay for my ring or use my gma’s and I wanted a simple court house wedding. He was gong-ho about having a kid and pushing for it for over a year. Does anyone know how long recovery takes ( esp if they hadn’t relapsed). I know every situation is unique, I’m looking for a ballpark figure here.
No_Go Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 JJ, is this the same guy? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/616297-can-t-get-over If so, don't waste a second on him anymore, he wasted to much of your time already and it's just not fair to you....
Author JiltedJane Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 JJ, is this the same guy? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/616297-can-t-get-over If so, don't waste a second on him anymore, he wasted to much of your time already and it's just not fair to you.... No no, that was a different doushe bad 1
Author JiltedJane Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 I bet money he'll contact you over and over - to have sex with you, and when he feels lonely. It's not evil as it sounds - it's normal deconvolution response. I highly doubt it it will go back to anything serious from here on... And you may waste years trying to figure this one out For addiction remission, the initial criteria is 12 months, but I believe something like 3-5 years is the risky time. It's a chronic illness... When you say remission, do u mean the program or how long it takes to detox? He’s already seeing a counselor and going to meetings 3-4 times a week. As for contacting me, I feel like he won’t reach out for sex or anything. In the last few weeks where we were rocky I always had to contact him and would either not get a response or wait hrs to up till a day.
No_Go Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 The program. Detox should be a non-issue if he's not using... If he doesn't reach out, the bright side is you'll move on faster. I'd say if you don't reach out he might contact you more, because he'll wonder what's going on. How was your relationship before the break? Did you live together? When you say remission, do u mean the program or how long it takes to detox? He’s already seeing a counselor and going to meetings 3-4 times a week. As for contacting me, I feel like he won’t reach out for sex or anything. In the last few weeks where we were rocky I always had to contact him and would either not get a response or wait hrs to up till a day.
Author JiltedJane Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 The program. Detox should be a non-issue if he's not using... If he doesn't reach out, the bright side is you'll move on faster. I'd say if you don't reach out he might contact you more, because he'll wonder what's going on. How was your relationship before the break? Did you live together? Before the break were absolutely fine. we spoke all day every day and saw each other six times a week . We didn’t officially live together because I didn’t want to live with somebody without being at least engaged first and he was fine with that . He was very supportive partner the best I ever had . We were truly a team . His personally transformation really felt like it happened overnight .
Recommended Posts