Dating: so much harder than I ever remembered...

[JuneL]

I think that she’s probably tired at your ex drama and probably starting to realize this is going to be the deal when she’s with a divorced dad with young kids.

[Surfer Joe]

I think that she’s probably tired at your ex drama and probably starting to realize this is going to be the deal when she’s with a divorced dad with young kids.

 

Possibly. I'm starting to see how it is all connected and you're right - it's a lot more complicated than either one of us ever realized. It's easy in the infatuation stage to just go on emotion.

 

When we entered the stage of actually building a relationship - our differences started to matter. The question of what we're willing to give up about ourselves and what we're willing to accept from one another becomes important.

 

She has expressed things about my life that have given her pause. I have not been so vocal, but I feel the same way. It was a relationship that was moving very fast.

 

The question of moving in together seems to have been the tipping point. There was a point where she was ready and when I expressed that we might not be ready - it became a big deal (this was back in July). She got upset about it.

 

She eventually came to realize that we were not ready. We're not ready to merge our lives together. We need to actually date one another and what will happen will happen.

 

With that decision made, however - the dream of having a child was off of the table and I don't know if it ever was realistically for me. We're clearly not ready for that kind of life changing event.

 

I know she is struggling with that decision. It must be very hard to let that dream go.

 

I know I didn't handle it in the way I should have. I froze up. I was afraid to discuss it because I knew we were not ready and I felt like she thought we were. I was afraid of hurting her. I was afraid of pushing her away. I was afraid of my own feelings. I should have confronted it and have been more open and I was not. I have to own this mistake.

 

That said - grappling with the decision to have a child is a heavy subject to bring into a relationship this new. I also really have never known how to answer her.

 

I really value this relationship. Maybe it won't work out. Maybe the damage has been done.

 

I just don't know how to move forward. I think our conversation this morning was putting everything out on the table - the airing of grievances...but now what?

[FMW]

You've received some good advice on how you can handle things so I'm not going to go over what can be done for her.

 

But I do feel like pointing out the following things on the flip side for you to think about so that you don't end up surrendering to pressure because you feel like the bad guy.

 

She made choices earlier in life to focus on her career and surely understood that her ability to conceive and carry a healthy child to term was going to decrease over time. It was also reasonably foreseeable that if she connected with someone her age or older they would not want to have more children at this stage in life. If she’s been a career minded women she is smart enough to have realized all of this.

 

Wanting to have a child with someone she’s only been with for 6 months is not something she should reasonably expect. My personal opinion is that it would not be a wise choice to enter into such a significant undertaking with someone you’ve known such a short period of time. She's feeling desperate because time is running out. Desperation leads to rash uninformed decisions.

 

Unless you are financially or otherwise irresponsible then you do not need someone to manage you and I’m sure you don’t WANT to be managed. Her bringing that up would be a huge flag to me that she would be controlling and dominating.

 

She has no experience with navigating a long term relationship. She’s been alone and able to make all the decisions for a long time. She’ll have to learn not everything will be her way if she's going to have a successful relationship.

[JuneL]

Good question. I’m also curious to know in what sense she needs to manage your life exactly?

 

Let’s say you agree to start planning for a baby now. Is she ready for IVF or miscarriages or the possibility that the baby may not end up being healthy (not uncommon for a woman who gives birth to her first baby at mid/late 40s)?

 

You've received some good advice on how you can handle things so I'm not going to go over what can be done for her.

 

But I do feel like pointing out the following things on the flip side for you to think about so that you don't end up surrendering to pressure because you feel like the bad guy.

 

She made choices earlier in life to focus on her career and surely understood that her ability to conceive and carry a healthy child to term was going to decrease over time. It was also reasonably foreseeable that if she connected with someone her age or older they would not want to have more children at this stage in life. If she’s been a career minded women she is smart enough to have realized all of this.

 

Wanting to have a child with someone she’s only been with for 6 months is not something she should reasonably expect. My personal opinion is that it would not be a wise choice to enter into such a significant undertaking with someone you’ve known such a short period of time. She's feeling desperate because time is running out. Desperation leads to rash uninformed decisions.

 

Unless you are financially or otherwise irresponsible then you do not need someone to manage you and I’m sure you don’t WANT to be managed. Her bringing that up would be a huge flag to me that she would be controlling and dominating.

 

She has no experience with navigating a long term relationship. She’s been alone and able to make all the decisions for a long time. She’ll have to learn not everything will be her way if she's going to have a successful relationship.

[Surfer Joe]

Good question. I’m also curious to know in what sense she needs to manage your life exactly?

 

Let’s say you agree to start planning for a baby now. Is she ready for IVF or miscarriages or the possibility that the baby may not end up being healthy (not uncommon for a woman who gives birth to her first baby at mid/late 40s)?

 

I don't know how to exactly manage this. I think she is used to being very independent.

 

There are certain things about my life - and specifically my household - that she isn't comfortable with. I'm not a good planner when it comes to things like meal planning. I tend to wing it. She's a big planner. My house is generally very clean - but not always organized. This bothers her.

 

I guess maybe "managed" is the wrong word - it's more of realizing that we have differences and figuring out how to mesh those together or even if we can do that.

 

When you're in the falling in love stage - differences don't matter that much. When it comes to figuring out how we're going to actually build a life together - those differences become important.

 

I think it's a good sign that we're both aware of how important it is. It might mean we figure out we're just not meant to be together and I'd rather find that out now than later.

 

It's the challenge of figuring out our differences that led us to conclude we were not ready to live together. Too much hasn't been figured out and if we'd just jumped in without figuring it out - it would have been rough and it wouldn't have worked out.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, you're doing nothing wrong here ... well except for the way you're tolerating her immaturity and attempted manipulation. She on the other hand ...

 

She's doing the equivalent of dating an introvert and then asking the introvert to comfort her because she always wanted to date an extrovert. That is so emotionally sloppy and entangled and manipulative.

 

People who want to have children will often screen out partners and cut off a relationship early on if the other person doesn't want to have children. That's fine. It's honest, upfront, in integrity. By in integrity, I mean the person isn't trying to slyly push or emotionally manipulate the other person into changing in a way that they (the first partner) wants.

 

She should either dump you ... or accept that right now you don't want to think about having more children. Staying with you and complaining about something you've been up front about is emotionally immature, sloppy, manipulative. A huge red flag.

 

I sense you don't think you're a great communicator about your feelings. But that's fine ... Don't let her intimidate you on that score. It's not your job to comfort her about wanting children. If she wants to stay with you, it's her job to comfort herself. Otherwise, she needs to go find someone else who wants to have children

 

Frankly, sounds like you may need to dump her. Yes, that may sound harsh, but that's honest. If she can't accept where you are (and you're not in some cruel or mean place), she ain't a good partner for you.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[JuneL]

I agree she can “grieve” with her family, bff or gay best friend; she shouod have done this 2-5 years ago. Realistically, why don’t you ask her to see the doctor first before blaming/pressuring you?

[Surfer Joe]

We talked last night. Honestly, I didn't know if she'd call - but she did. It was no a bad conversation (we spoke for roughly 90 minutes). We did not touch on any deep subjects or revisit the charged conversation from the morning.

 

In racing they have something called in installation lap. That basically means they send the car out for a single lap to make sure all the key components are working properly. That is what the conversation felt like.

 

We just kind of talked about mundane things. We talked about her first day at her new job and so on.

 

It was not a tearful emotionally charged reunion - I think those things only happen early in relationships during the falling in love/infatuation stage.

 

There were a few awkward silences. The conversation didn't come as easily as it normally does. I did feel there was an effort on both sides to have a normal conversation, but I think we were both being guarded. I know I was.

 

I'm definitely aware that we will have to discuss what we just went through, but last night was not the time.

 

She is living about 45 minutes away from me while she is in-between housing and since she is getting done with work several hours before I am - she asked if I'd be willing to drive out there tonight and hang out and spend the night. I said yes.

 

I think it is important to physically reconnect. I am anxious about it. I don't know how it will go down. I still don't know how much damage has been done, but I'm trying to feel positive about the fact that she reached out to me.

 

I feel the leftover emotional residue hanging in the air. This is not something I'm accustomed to - we've always had a very natural, easy relationship - but the alternative of her simply cutting me off would have been much worse and who knows what awaits me when I drive up there. Honestly, could be a lot of things. Just trying to stay positive.

[Lotsgoingon]

Good luck OP!

 

Just a thought: I don't think you need to "stay positive." Just stay honest and friendly ... You don't want to pull a fake cover over your recent discussions. Those covers don't hold with the slightest wind.

 

Just show up. You can't smile your way around a real conflict.