noknow Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 I know this girl from a group of friends. She went through a breakup about a month ago. I went through a breakup about a month ago as well. She reached out to me and asked if I am joining this soccer league. I play a lot and I talked to her last time I saw her. We've gotten together twice and practiced some soccer. But recently she went on a trip and wont be back for another week. I want to ask her out. But I'm wondering if I've already missed my opportunity. We really didn't know each other that well and have just enjoyed each others company playing Soccer. We've texted a little not much. She is very responsive and always responds right away. I'm wondering if I should pursue her, even though she's been through a breakup recently like me. I find her exceedingly attractive. It's also awkward because these first couple times we've met I haven't hugged her because we really didn't know each other. But next time we meet I feel like I should.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 You haven't missed any opportunity--by that I take it to mean you worry you are in the friendzone? Just continue to hang out ... learn about her ... and really see if she's worth asking out ... (and she'll do the same) ... If you're enjoying your time with her, that's great. Now, one way to escalate is to ask her out to a movie or some activity other than soccer ... See how that goes ... I don't see any mistake you've made. No hard rule on the breakup ... she might have dated this guy for 5 minutes and he's out of her system ... That's why you want to talk to her and find out. So your next move ... go out with her outside of soccer ... and ask her about the relationship. You'll sense whether she's ready or not ... and she'll tell you.
Author noknow Posted August 10, 2018 Author Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) You haven't missed any opportunity--by that I take it to mean you worry you are in the friendzone? Just continue to hang out ... learn about her ... and really see if she's worth asking out ... (and she'll do the same) ... If you're enjoying your time with her, that's great. Now, one way to escalate is to ask her out to a movie or some activity other than soccer ... See how that goes ... I don't see any mistake you've made. No hard rule on the breakup ... she might have dated this guy for 5 minutes and he's out of her system ... That's why you want to talk to her and find out. So your next move ... go out with her outside of soccer ... and ask her about the relationship. You'll sense whether she's ready or not ... and she'll tell you. Your response is very reassuring. The reason I ask is because I have a history of getting friend zoned, see my previous posts. So I worry about when I should make the move. What is too slow? What is too fast? How do I know I'm heading into friend zone? I should give a bit more background. She dated this guy for 2 years, mine was for about 1 year. She has invited me to hang out with her friends so that can only be positive. Edited August 10, 2018 by noknow
Lotsgoingon Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 (edited) Here's the thing: A lot of times when people get friendzoned, they didn't do anything wrong. The friendzoned person could have made an early move and still nothing. Just might not have been interest by the other person. So you have a right to get to know someone ... first ... and yeah, go hang out with her friends. That's actually quite cool ... you get to see what her friends are like and check out her energy ... and you can do a little flirting ... Just relax and show an interest ... at your own pace ... nothing is more awkward than someone rushing things (I've done that) ... Here's the thing: once you hang with this woman a few times, she'll know if you're a slow approacher or fast one ... and I don't think women hold it against guys who are slow approachers--as long as they like the guy! So give her a chance to like you ... and see where things OK. It's not a failure if she's not interested ... and by the way, you should NOT assume yet that you want to date her ... You want to check her out at this stage ... Though you are charmed so far, you are still wanting to check her out to see what she's like beyond your fantasy of her. (We all create fantasies of a person when we meet them and like them immediately and like them a lot.) The best thing about meeting her friends ... is things are often really relaxed in a group compared to one-on-one ... You'll see if you like her friends ... and if you like them, that's another network of people you can connect with ... even for dating if this woman doesn't work out ... or for fun ... or party information, social life in general. Once again ... lots of friendzoned people would have been friendzoned no matter how early they expressed their interest. Most likely your nervousness (I assume you'll be nervous) will convey some of your interest in her. And you can believe her friends are going to be checking you out and noticing if you're interested in her. So group meeting is great! No need to change into a fake persona overnight. Be the best version of yourself ... share your interests, humor, ideas ... show curiosity ... and at some point, ask her out by herself (assuming the meeting with friends goes well). You're doing fine, brother! Edited August 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon
Juha Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 It's not too late but when she gets home from her trip I suggest you call her, not text and ask her to go do something, anything not soccer and not involving a group of people and you. When you call her make sure you have a plan in mind whether it's dinner or an activity and day/time. If you start hanging out with her and her friends you could just become another of her friends in the group. Never a good idea if you like a woman to hang out in her group of friends. Now, I am not saying do not hang with her and her friends, just do not make that the only time you see her. you need to go out and spend alone time with her so she knows you are interested in her as more than a guy friend. Always need to show the woman that you are interested in her romantically, I am going to assume that is why you have been friend zoned in the past. I wish you the best
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 When she comes back ask her to play soccer again. While you are playing, ask her on a proper date.
alphamale Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 I'm wondering if I should pursue her, even though she's been through a breakup recently like me. I find her exceedingly attractive. It's also awkward because these first couple times we've met I haven't hugged her because we really didn't know each other. But next time we meet I feel like I should. ask her out quickly before you become friends, and don't hug her for god sakes
MountainGirl111 Posted August 10, 2018 Posted August 10, 2018 Relax, just be yourself and let it unfold. Don't rush things. I personally think it's fine to hug, if you pick up on her cues that she might want to hug. Certainly don't just hug someone if you don't think they want to be hugged...that might be getting into her personal space too much. Hanging out with her friends is a good way to get to know her better and for her to get to know you too. Tell yourself, "It's cool."
Author noknow Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 ask her out quickly before you become friends, and don't hug her for god sakes Why wouldn't I hug?
Author noknow Posted August 11, 2018 Author Posted August 11, 2018 Relax, just be yourself and let it unfold. Don't rush things. I personally think it's fine to hug, if you pick up on her cues that she might want to hug. Certainly don't just hug someone if you don't think they want to be hugged...that might be getting into her personal space too much. Hanging out with her friends is a good way to get to know her better and for her to get to know you too. Tell yourself, "It's cool." What would some cues be? I'm bad at reading people, so what to look for is helpful.
d0nnivain Posted August 11, 2018 Posted August 11, 2018 Friends hug. Lovers kiss. That is why you are being told not to hug too much. Look at the girl's body language. Does she stand too close to you, closer then she stands near other people when talking to them. Does she make eye contact? Does she blush? Does she casually touch you? Does she play with her hair or lick her lips? Those are all signs of flirtation.
Author noknow Posted August 21, 2018 Author Posted August 21, 2018 I started seeing this girl a month ago. We know each other through a big group of friends. We both went through a breakup about a month ago. We're both into Soccer and met up to practice. We've played Soccer twice. She invited me to a big party and got to meet all of her friends. They all really liked me. I also started doing lite Kino. Touching her shoulder in conversation, she didn't seem to mind it. We plan to meet up and this weekend and play Soccer and I'm thinking about asking her out afterwards. It seems like the right time. Is there something I'm missing? Rationally everything seems to fit, but I'm doubting my feelings for some reason...
PRW Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 The dithering insecurity and hesitation will shoot you down if it hasn't already. Once a woman thinks of you as her "buddy" she can no longer think of you romantically. The two don't mix. What is missing is that you haven't proposed a date yet. In order for her to think of you as a lover you have to be doing things that lovers do. Unfortunately, she is probably thinking of you as a friend because you have only been doing things that friends do. Friends first, lovers later,... is nonsense Lovers first, friends if it fails,...is the way reality is. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 What is kino? You said you started doing light kino. I thought it was cinematography thing. Ask her out already. The longer you wait the more likely you will be relegated to soccer buddy only.
kendahke Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 I started seeing this girl a month ago. We both went through a breakup about a month ago. Is there something I'm missing? What were the circumstances surrounding each of your break ups and did you both being in the same group of friends lead you two to cultivate the attraction you both found at the same time? You are both each other's rebound. What she needs to get over her ex-boyfriend may not be what you need to get over your ex-girlfriend, so be mindful of that. Emotionally, you two may be at different places on the same continuum depending upon when your respective relationships began to fail and how long each of you were in your respective relationships, so keep your expectations in check.
smackie9 Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Doesn't matter if she's giving off signals or not...you like her ask her out. Make it casual...no need to over analyze this. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Oh I remember your story. Soccer man. What did she say after the meetup with her gfs? Like EXACTLY what did she say that night, assuming she texted you? Sharing that would help us figure out where you are.
Rocker71 Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 What is kino? You said you started doing light kino. I thought it was cinematography thing. Ask her out already. The longer you wait the more likely you will be relegated to soccer buddy only. 'kino' is a series of touching the girl to make her feel comfortable with the guy. Like... High-fives, touching her shoulder while laughing or touching her arm while talking. Then onto touching the small of her back, her thigh and it goes from there all the way to sex.
William Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Oh I remember your story. Soccer man.. Threads merged.
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 'kino' is a series of touching the girl to make her feel comfortable with the guy. Like... High-fives, touching her shoulder while laughing or touching her arm while talking. Then onto touching the small of her back, her thigh and it goes from there all the way to sex. OP STOP doing this kino BS. It sounds too contrived, too over thought. Just relax & ask her to have a drink with you. For heaven's sake stop trying to manipulate the girl. Keep it real. 2
Author noknow Posted August 26, 2018 Author Posted August 26, 2018 We played Soccer and had a great time. We then got lunch and we talked about us. We talked about how much we liked each other, relationships, etc. Then she said that she's still recovering from her breakup (2yr rel.) and wont be dating for a while. It sounds like she really went through a rough time. So she made it very clear to me that any interaction we have wont be a romantic one and not to wait for her. But the rest of the day we still hung out. I feel better that we had a conversation and that there is nothing ambiguous.
Author noknow Posted August 26, 2018 Author Posted August 26, 2018 OP STOP doing this kino BS. It sounds too contrived, too over thought. Just relax & ask her to have a drink with you. For heaven's sake stop trying to manipulate the girl. Keep it real. I think I'm going to suspend judgement and just try it. What could be the harm? It'll be an experiment and if anything it'll boost my confidence.
Desesperado Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 (edited) Your response is very reassuring. The reason I ask is because I have a history of getting friend zoned, see my previous posts. So I worry about when I should make the move. What is too slow? What is too fast? How do I know I'm heading into friend zone? I should give a bit more background. She dated this guy for 2 years, mine was for about 1 year. She has invited me to hang out with her friends so that can only be positive. Look at your post, you're overthinking how to make moves fearing to get put in the friendzone, women feel this in your behaviour and this tells them you're not worth dating, sorry but your mindset is wrong. If I tell you don't think about an elephant, you think about an elephant, our brains work like this, so you go around women thinking you'll fail, this auto suggestion is what makes you fail. Like I said in another thread and it pains me to have to say it, again and again to many guys, but she can't put you in the friendzone without your consent, repeat this in your head, she can't put you in the friendzone without your consent !!! If she suddenly act distant and friendly or would not accept your offer to a date, you calmly and seriously tell her you do not see and want her only as a friend, that's not why you're here make it clear and you then don't see her much or interact with her as a friend. Do this have boundaries and do not treat her as a friend, you won't end up in the friendzone, I assure you it's that simple. We played Soccer and had a great time. We then got lunch and we talked about us. We talked about how much we liked each other, relationships, etc. Then she said that she's still recovering from her breakup (2yr rel.) and wont be dating for a while. It sounds like she really went through a rough time. So she made it very clear to me that any interaction we have wont be a romantic one and not to wait for her. But the rest of the day we still hung out. I feel better that we had a conversation and that there is nothing ambiguous. The above advice is still valid, it's easy in a way for her to tell you this and have you as a friend when you in fact like her, have a backbone and boundaries, do not put yourself in this situation, tell her sorry you understand and respect she's not ready, but you aren't going to pretend being friends because you want to date her and so you'll stop interacting so much, because it's not fair for you to have ice cream under you nose and never getting any. This however, will not likely give you chances if the woman isn't ready, that's another matter but at least you won't be this boring guy friend to all women anymore. Edited August 26, 2018 by Desesperado
d0nnivain Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 I think I'm going to suspend judgement and just try it. What could be the harm? It'll be an experiment and if anything it'll boost my confidence. This woman told you unequivocally that she does not want to date you. You concede that there was nothing ambiguous about her rejection of you. Her stated reason -- not being over her EX -- is a white lie. If she was into you, her recent break up would not be an obstacle. You are squarely in the friendzone. For you to continue this touching business -- keno-- with an eye toward grooming her for a more physical / sexual relationship strikes me as something a predator would do so that his victim was more compliant. The whole concept skives me out & makes you look like a creepy pervert. I'm not saying you have improper motives; I am merely giving you my impression of this behavior & your ill conceived plan. How will you get a confidence boost by basically molesting / assaulting (unwanted touching is a crime no matter how "innocent") someone? Yuck. Just don't. 1
norudder Posted August 26, 2018 Posted August 26, 2018 This woman told you unequivocally that she does not want to date you. You concede that there was nothing ambiguous about her rejection of you. Her stated reason -- not being over her EX -- is a white lie. If she was into you, her recent break up would not be an obstacle. You are squarely in the friendzone. For you to continue this touching business -- keno-- with an eye toward grooming her for a more physical / sexual relationship strikes me as something a predator would do so that his victim was more compliant. The whole concept skives me out & makes you look like a creepy pervert. I'm not saying you have improper motives; I am merely giving you my impression of this behavior & your ill conceived plan. How will you get a confidence boost by basically molesting / assaulting (unwanted touching is a crime no matter how "innocent") someone? Yuck. Just don't. Disagree that people automatically become relationship ready if they are attracted enough. I declined men I wish I had been ready to explore things with but I simply wasn't in the right mental or emotional state. Maybe she has some level of self awareness. She could also simply be not interested no matter what, but it's not binary. 100% agree the escalation of touching after expressed non interest sounds disrespectful selfish manipulative and predatory. Quick way to have her cut you out of her life as even a friend.
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