modus operandi

[jah526]

Overheard a bit of a hallway conversation about MM today, enough to know it was about him. Two giggly girls in the hallway talking about him. He’s working on one of them I’m pretty sure. He told me at one time he was attracted to her.

 

And this is how he does it. He is goofy around them, chatting them up, telling his kooky stories. And they think, like I did, that he’s sweet and funny. And totally harmless. That’s the key, that last bit. If you can convince someone you’re harmless and play to their ego, you’ve got them. He is a pro at this.

 

He’s scouting around. I’ve walked by him chatting up some girl and he goes temporarily quiet until I’ve passed. He knows I know who he really is. He knows I know his game.

[Starswillshine]

This is like my WH. Hitting up the young girl in his office. Has been for ages, but now that we're separated, he's full court press. Except he is also with, at least, 2 other women. One who is married. This kid wont even know what hit her. She is already posting about "finding something better than she hoped for." Oh poor girl.

[grass-hopper]

I feel envious some days at thinking that MM is likely chatting it up and flirting with some girls at work. Because I remember being clueless to who he was and looking forward to talking to him when we were at the beginning stages. But I remind myself of what i do know about him. And then I feel sorry for those girls looking at him all googly eyed because he’ll tear them down just as quickly as he’s done to me.

[carhill]

Yup, he knows the way to a woman's parts is through her ears. Charmer. Aw shucks

 

For the MW crowd it's generally been doe eyes, lingering gazes and the occasional low cut top and they just, well, let you.

 

Best line I've heard from MW's was there was no sex and they're married, not dead. Yup. If they're sufficiently good-looking, hey if I call them out they just laugh; another guy will be along in ten seconds who likes what they're selling. That's reality, same as for the MM here. They know.

[Mizz Layta]

Is this the same MM in your previous posts? I thought you left him?

[jah526]

Is this the same MM in your previous posts? I thought you left him?

 

Yes. We still work in the same building unfortunately.

[Vivir]

I don't know how I would feel if I had to bear witness to such a thing, but...

 

It is not a secret that xMM is very attractive and draws a crazy amount of attention. If he is not lying, the attention he gets angers his wife and causes a lot of issues between them.

 

We were in contact when he first began working for another employer, and he told me a little about his interactions with the young women - not his part, but theirs...

 

I remember not envying these women one bit. Not. one. bit. I felt sorry for them all, because they would be in way over their heads if they got involved with him, especially if they thought they could use their apparently above-average prowess to lure him away from his wife and obligations.

 

I also told him he would be a damn fool for continuing to play with fire.

 

I was disappointed. I wonder what I would do if I was still in his work environment like some of you all are. I mean, is it better to warn potential victims and be dubbed a "hater" or is it better to mind our business? These people are grown after all...

[NomiMalone]

Don't bother warning them Vivir, they won't believe you anyway. I know that at the very start of my EA, when sparks were flying left, right and centre, no amount of warning would've stopped me from engaging with him.

 

It's a lesson that unfortunately can only be learnt the hard way.

[NomiMalone]

My MM's specialty was attention, flattery and persistence. He made me feel desired and valued in that sense, and I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

 

His downfall however was his complete refusal to engage in an emotional manner. He literally outright changed the subject or ignored me whenever I broached the topic of where things were headed or what I wanted from him. He also never ever spoke of his wife, and I never asked. (I think that in his mind, not talking about what we were doing, and compartmentalising his lives with her, and with me, made it easier for him to remain in denial about, and live with, the fact that he was carrying out an affair.)

 

His refusal to engage in emotional conversations was a huge turnoff for me. It made me feel ignored and disrespected, and I questioned why he thought I'd be ok with accepting so little. When I started going NC, he tried to win me back by sending me articles about sport or texting me about his day. For me, that wasn't good enough and it became easier and easier to remain NC. If he had instead been kind and comforting, keeping NC on my part would've been much, much more difficult and I would most likely have given in to the temptation of sleeping with him.

[Vivir]

Nomi, I no longer work with xMM and am in no position to warn them, besides I haven't talked with him or seen him in a year. I'm betting that the ship has already sailed with respect to my post.

 

But jah is in such a position, is seeing it in real time, and I don't think she'll warn them either, based on her previous postings. I absolutely agree with you, though, that no one could've steered me away from him in those beginning stages and that most of the time, it seems, it is a lesson that must be learned the hard way... unfortunately...

[jah526]

I'm not going to warn them. I did say something to my boss once, telling her I was trying to avoid him. She pried a little bit but I didn't tell her anything. She said I could talk to HR if I needed to (I didn't).

 

I don't really think he's going to have any success with any of them. Most are married and due to their culture have a tendency to be very loyal to their partners. Doesn't stop him from trying though.

[carhill]

Smart MM's play on emotions, which are fleeting; catch one just right and pounce. That applies to both single and married/LTR ladies. MO-type MM's who are in it for the thrill or getting their noodle wet don't care about future stuff. The fun is in the moment. If it fails, no biggie. Billions more to try. The more attractive/powerful they are, the less inhibited about any potential negative fallout. Again, billions more to interact with. Their pool of 'like' is large. Old as the hills.

[BourneWicked]

Yeah Jah, for MM in my situation, I was forewarned a very long time ago about a situation similar to my own (little too friendly at a work holiday party with someone else), but it was so long since I'd heard the story I forgot and didn't heed it. Maybe the place I was in my life, I still wouldn't have listened if I'd been reminded.

 

That's the thing that pisses me off. The seeming harmless. Stand up guy! Married, kids, family man! He'd never make a pass at a coworker! I put my guard up with the rest of the MM, I recognize when they're being flirty or too friendly and I've got fences built. I'm just not interested too (so that helps). I got sloppy, got comfortable, and still working my way out of the mess.

 

For my situation, I'm sure he'll do it again. He dodged divorce in our situation, so why not give it another shot. I was pretty much perfect because I adored him and would keep it completely secret. So the second part will be hard to replicate, but finding people who like him certainly isn't. I try to shift my stupid jealousy and sadness to sympathy for his wife - and be grateful that I don't have to wonder about where he really is at night.

 

How are other things in your life? Have you been dating?

[jah526]

Yeah Jah, for MM in my situation, I was forewarned a very long time ago about a situation similar to my own (little too friendly at a work holiday party with someone else), but it was so long since I'd heard the story I forgot and didn't heed it. Maybe the place I was in my life, I still wouldn't have listened if I'd been reminded.

 

That's the thing that pisses me off. The seeming harmless. Stand up guy! Married, kids, family man! He'd never make a pass at a coworker! I put my guard up with the rest of the MM, I recognize when they're being flirty or too friendly and I've got fences built. I'm just not interested too (so that helps). I got sloppy, got comfortable, and still working my way out of the mess.

 

For my situation, I'm sure he'll do it again. He dodged divorce in our situation, so why not give it another shot. I was pretty much perfect because I adored him and would keep it completely secret. So the second part will be hard to replicate, but finding people who like him certainly isn't. I try to shift my stupid jealousy and sadness to sympathy for his wife - and be grateful that I don't have to wonder about where he really is at night.

 

How are other things in your life? Have you been dating?

 

Hi Bourne,

 

Things are ok. Been spending more time with a good friend of mine, who knows about all of this. I've never really dated. Tried the online thing once, but it really wasn't for me.

 

I think I'm starting to let go of all this. He is who he is. I think he's someone especially lacking in empathy although he feigns it quite well. It does make my heart sad, because I am a caring person and I did care for him. I miss the person I knew initially, who maybe never really existed.

 

I hope you are doing well.

[NomiMalone]

jah, I tend to think that most MM engaging in affairs are lacking in empathy. Someone with empathy wouldn't be able to do this to their wives. A lack of empathy also goes hand in hand with lack of moral boundaries.