rightondude Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 So I've gone out with a woman twice. First date was kinda meh and I think she looked me in the eyes for like 2 seconds total. And talked 90% of the date. I really didn't think she was into me. It ended with a sister type hug. Now, I'm not one to base judgement on one time, so I went ahead and asked her out again two weeks later. Surprisingly she said yes. We had an excellent time. 4 hour date, multiple places, much getting to know each other. At the end of the date she said she was surprised I asked her out again. I told her I wanted to give it another shot. We made out pretty heavy. In the past I have gone overboard and stuff has flamed fast and flamed out quick. She will be out of town next weekend so I went ahead and asked if she wanted to hang out again beforehand. We have a day date tomorrow (lunch and pool for a couple of hours). I think there's a good chance we end up having sex. Have I gotten myself back into the same situation? Maybe I should purposely reel it in but when things are going well it's kinda hard for me to just say, well I gotta go and then cease contact just in an effort to keep things at the "right" pace...
Highndry Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 I'm failing to see the problem here: Bad first date, great second date, third date with possible sex coming up. What am I missing?
Lotsgoingon Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Why do you have to have sex on the next (third) date? You're sounding like this is out of your control. In fact, the pacing is quite within your control. Sex gets challenging when it's way ahead of knowing the other person. And you've only gone on two dates ... You hardly know her. Now if you simply want FWB, then go for it. But it sounds like you want more and that you are trying to break a pattern. So If you want to work on your relationship skills, chill ... make out, having fun ... but chill ... figure out that you really like this person first ... Translation: there's no rush brother. Literally no rush ... You've already made out ... so you are not in the friendzone ... So there is no gain from rushing, especially if you're trying to do things differently. And yes, there is something off about you anticipating sex before the date. I mean, you want to be more chill than that ... let the sex emerge ... but you've already got it in your head that it's going to happen. Says who? Good luck. BTW: I might well have chilled (and this is just me) until after the trip ... I would have made no great effort to see her before the trip ... because I wouldn't think I'm dating her yet.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 I also don't really get what the problem is. She has accepted all your date invitations. Why the heck are you thinking about reeling it in? The way you're thinking about approaching this is all wrong and will have opposite effect of what you're hoping for. Let things happen naturally and don't worry so much about setting the "right pace", whatever that means exactly.
Author rightondude Posted August 21, 2018 Author Posted August 21, 2018 Good advice here. And you're right, now it sinks in, I need to just go with the flow on this one and quit anticipating anything. I've just had 4-5 experiences where everything starts off sunshine and roses really quickly, we see each other frequently in a short time span (because we both seemingly want to), and then it goes silent. Probably because I'm way more into it and overthinking it, my actions reflect that somehow unconsciously, and I freak the girl out.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Good advice here. And you're right, now it sinks in, I need to just go with the flow on this one and quit anticipating anything. I've just had 4-5 experiences where everything starts off sunshine and roses really quickly, we see each other frequently in a short time span (because we both seemingly want to), and then it goes silent. Probably because I'm way more into it and overthinking it, my actions reflect that somehow unconsciously, and I freak the girl out. That's entirely possible. Looking back, do you think you came on too strongly with other women? Called or messaged too much, asked for too much of their time? Too eager to define what you were to her?
Author rightondude Posted August 21, 2018 Author Posted August 21, 2018 it all seemed to be reciprocal. Until it ends. I am usually (well now that I think about it, always) the one to initiate dates but only because it seemed like they wanted to see me just as much, and because it felt like the natural way to proceed. But maybe that's where I've been wrong; maybe they need to initiate after date 2 or so and I just sit back and chill. Got to find the balance between showing interest. but not too much, but then again I don't want to seem uninterested and have them go, "well, I guess he isn't in to me." I don't ever blow up phones, though, I'm 'hey hows it going? Wanna get together on _x_ and do _y_" ... I mean, I respond to anything sent to me, but I'm not like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" or "GOOD MORNING!!!!!" guy... 1
coolheadal Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 it all seemed to be reciprocal. Until it ends. I am usually (well now that I think about it, always) the one to initiate dates but only because it seemed like they wanted to see me just as much, and because it felt like the natural way to proceed. But maybe that's where I've been wrong; maybe they need to initiate after date 2 or so and I just sit back and chill. Got to find the balance between showing interest. but not too much, but then again I don't want to seem uninterested and have them go, "well, I guess he isn't in to me." I don't ever blow up phones, though, I'm 'hey hows it going? Wanna get together on _x_ and do _y_" ... I mean, I respond to anything sent to me, but I'm not like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" or "GOOD MORNING!!!!!" guy... Very good you don't want to let them see are really into them and yet you are. So you don't like to send a GM and GN to these women. This all shows them you thinking about them you known what are you doing today is another interest i them. At the end of the day it all means something that you care enough to text them. Some guys don't even do this because he want them to chase after him.
kendahke Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Keep. Your. Expectations. In. Check. Find out first if she wants a FWB or a relationship, then act accordingly. If it's relationship, tell her not only what you like in a relationship, but why you like it ("it makes me feel _____"); have her do the same. It's in the "why's" that you will find out where inconsistencies and incompatibilities lie. That does not mean talk about your ex. You can convey this without digging up the bodies. I don't ever blow up phones, though, I'm 'hey hows it going? Wanna get together on _x_ and do _y_" ... I mean, I respond to anything sent to me, but I'm not like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" or "GOOD MORNING!!!!!" guy... Make sure you say that to her if you continue to find her interesting enough to continue. Her way of feeling that you are connected and present is you texting that "good morning" text and being consistent with it if you get involved with her on a relationship level. If you can't maintain that, she needs to know that. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 I'll amplify what kendahke says. One good goal for you (following the way you present your story) is to let your dating partners get a better sense of who you are ... Don't be afraid to share some real thoughts, real feelings, real ideas, interests, hobbies, goals, values. You are still in the discovery phase, which I have to say, can be a helluvah lot of fun if you can relax into it. You want to connect that passion and charisma you apparently have with some real deeper connection based on mutual interests. Good luck! .. .And yes, you can experiment with not so quickly asking them out for a second date until you get a clear and unequivocal note from your date saying they had a great time and looked forward to doing it again soon.
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