theashley85 Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Does it make you feel insecure,when your boyfriend tells you about his ex before you?, like do you wonder if she is prettier, hotter, more smart? Well my wonderful boyfriend, which is older than me,divorced,no kids thank god!!, had an ex if you can call it that way lol before me, so he had mentioned her when we first started but he did not give away any details or all the story with them both,so on Saturday he told me how they began, and he said, they had a nice time together, went out, but he would not consider a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship just by the way it all turned out,so on Sunday we go out again, and we where talking about how we met and just having a nice conversation laughing, enjoying time together, and he told me that when we began to talk, he travel back to his hometown for 2 weeks, we had not even gone on a first date, we were just talking on the phone etc, so when he goes back to his hometown, he kind of told his mom he had met me, but he did not wan to say it was confirmed that we were going out,cause his mom really wanted a good woman for him, so he did not want to give her false hopes about me, the point is he said going back to this ex girl he had, that his mom did not like her at all, and then he began talking about her again, the same things he had said on Saturday, that she was too diva, all the guys were after her, rich man, blah,blah, they did not even had sex,she was nice and all but there was something missing in her.This girl has a great job, looks pretty, like a model, I already saw her, she is pretty, but I was expecting more, not all that, but she is short 5'4 so I don't know what he meant by model etc! THE POINT IS: all of this conversation coming from his mouth made me insecure, and made me question myself: is she prettier than me? does he consider her prettier, better than me? and all these things, plus I cant deny I felt a little jealous as well, like if he wanted her badly or felt more for her that she for him, etc. So I wonder, how can I deal with this insecurity brought up by this conversation we had. I did not know much about this, cause he had mentioned her before, when we began dating but very lightly, no details or nothing. but just to know everything made me feel weird, like ****ty, I don't know if you can relate.
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Does it make you feel insecure,when your boyfriend tells you about his ex before you?, like do you wonder if she is prettier, hotter, more smart? No, it doesn't bother me, I actually like to listen and I pay attention when he tells me stories from his past. It's a truck load of information on him I wouldn't miss. I don't care what they look like. I am who I am, and he is with me because he is attracted toward ME. If he weren't then he'd be with someone else. I like who I am, I am a short little brunette with a huge amount of confidence in herself that's what is attractive to men. You can take a model and strip her of her confidence and you'll see how less popular she'll be. Sexiness is all in the attitude and confidence. You need to start building some of that. 3
Desesperado Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) On the contrary, it's a good insight on the communication skills and habits of dating of someone, like my last serious flirt months ago, she said my last relationship was bad but I don't want to talk about it. Eventually I realized she didn't step back and reflect on it, she ended getting very needy and flipped out, so I said good bye, you don't want to date people with unresolved emotional issues and having some Infos on the exes is a good indication of people's maturity and stability. I don't think I need to point out the people that always seem to have awful exes, are usually the single denominator of these bad relationships... The only big no no to me, is if your partner compares you to them and in a you're not as good as them fashion. Also talking of detailed sexual stuff, I'm a guy I don't want to know thanks ! Edited August 21, 2018 by Desesperado 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 How did you happen to see her, OP? I think this guy just lacks a filter. Sure, it can be important to know your partner's relationship history and whether there are any red flags there. He could have left out the point about her looking like a model and all the guys wanting her and so on, but I don't think you have a real cause for concern that he still wants her. If she's from way before you anyway, it's all water under the bridge.
Gretchen12 Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Everyone has a past. At my age I'm dealing with divorced men who had once loved the ex wife enough to marry her, and their children will always be tthat bond between them. As long as he doesn't shove it in your face, you can let him have a part of his life that you will never share. We all have that. And we can't expect to completely possess another person. Important thing is discretion. Even when the guy asked me details of what I did with an ex, I won't tell, because that might haunt him (and us) later. And when he mentions his ex wife too much, I discourage it by ignoring the comment. It's not denying the past. It's just being appropriate, imo.
kendahke Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Does it make you feel insecure,when your boyfriend tells you about his ex before you?, like do you wonder if she is prettier, hotter, more smart? No. There is always going to be someone prettier, hotter, smarter, etc. What matters is how he treats me and how I allow him to treat me. If he treats me well and is 100% into me, then his ex really isn't figuring into my thought processes. So I wonder, how can I deal with this insecurity brought up by this conversation we had. I did not know much about this, cause he had mentioned her before, when we began dating but very lightly, no details or nothing. but just to know everything made me feel weird, like ****ty, I don't know if you can relate. Best way to avoid this type of insecurity is to already be secure in your own worth and not be afraid to leave someone who attempts to devalue you through insensitive remarks about an ex. Also, it's a good idea to avoid topics that will trigger your insecurity if you're not able to handle what could be said. It's not a good idea to get into a protracted conversation about anyone's ex if you can't handle that type of talk without your insecurity being triggered because nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to before they began dating so they can avoid one another. 1
coolheadal Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) <snip> THE POINT IS: all of this conversation coming from his mouth made me insecure, and made me question myself: is she prettier than me? does he consider her prettier, better than me? and all these things, plus I cant deny I felt a little jealous as well, like if he wanted her badly or felt more for her that she for him, etc. So I wonder, how can I deal with this insecurity brought up by this conversation we had. I did not know much about this, cause he had mentioned her before, when we began dating but very lightly, no details or nothing. but just to know everything made me feel weird, like ****ty, I don't know if you can relate. My dear you can feel anyway you want today. No one can say otherwise. He has a lot of drama from his ex and he's spilling the beans on to you. I know you don't want to hear it but you can tell him listen I do not want to hear this because it's unsettling to me. Not fair for me to hear about your ex and your past life with her. Today we have a new life together lets start fresh and no more talk about her to me okay my love. Something like that you can say to him. If he doesn't listen then you get your derriere out and say to mr past tense that you need some time for yourself and he needs to cool off a bit. He needs to think about his ex on his own and not in your presence. If he can get by without you for a 1 or month, if not then he needs to drop the ex talk now. This is what I would do if I was you. I know better not to bring up my ex I was like him. But it's not fair on you or anyone. The past is gone you live today a new life. Enjoy what you have today.. Edited August 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 I am always curious about the women who came before me. When I feel insecure I remind myself that if she were so all fired perfect, he'd still be with her. Even if she dumped him that doesn't make her better then me. She just got out of the way so I could have him.
Author theashley85 Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 I am always curious about the women who came before me. When I feel insecure I remind myself that if she were so all fired perfect, he'd still be with her. Even if she dumped him that doesn't make her better then me. She just got out of the way so I could have him. Exactly, is also a curiosity I have about her, I already saw her Facebook profile, cause he has Facebook, he had told me before his Facebook Id, I guess to look for him and add him, but I never did, plus I found him a little late, but I saw his friends, cause his friends are public, he did not put them private and thats where I saw this girl he had a ''thing with'' I dont believe by the way he told me about everything they were ever a couple at all. the point is that they are friends on facebook, but her FACEBOOK PROFILE is private I can only see some pics, info etc, The point is that I am SOOO curious to see how she looks entirely compare to me, is her body better? is she prettier than me? is just CURIOSITY, I feel a lot of girls want to do this, I know I CAN be insecure, but it just eases my thoughts.
FMW Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Unless he continues bringing her up I would try to not let it bother me for all the reasons the other posters have given. But if she comes up on a regular basis then I would ask him why. It also occurred to me that maybe you're feeling insecure in general in your relationship in which case you need to figure out if it's because of something he's doing or saying (other than talking about the ex).
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 The point is that I am SOOO curious to see how she looks entirely compare to me, is her body better? is she prettier than me? is just CURIOSITY, I feel a lot of girls want to do this, I know I CAN be insecure, but it just eases my thoughts. In your case it's not going to ease your thoughts. You are "obsessed" (that's not the right word / too strong but I can't think of another) with the COMPARISON. When you see her you will compare & that is why you are making yourself nuts. You are being insecure about it because you worry that she's prettier & you want to know who has a better body. You are either seeking external validation that you "won" this competition you are setting up or you are going to make yourself miserable if you conclude that she is prettier / sexier. You will end up in the dumps convinced that your BF settled for you because he wasn't good enough to hold on to her. Try remembering that Dutchess Kate, Cardi B, Emma Stone & Scarlett Johansson are all beautiful but in different ways. You can't compare them. Plus some men are going to be more attracted to brains, others a sense of humor, others a nurturing nature. Learn to be happier in your own skin. 1
kendahke Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 The point is that I am SOOO curious to see how she looks entirely compare to me, is her body better? is she prettier than me? is just CURIOSITY, I feel a lot of girls want to do this, I know I CAN be insecure, but it just eases my thoughts. That's the lie you tell yourself to justify you devaluing your worth based on how someone's ex looks. Yes, girls do that. Grown women don't. Unless he's putting that ex up in the middle of your dealings with him, she belongs in the past and should stay there, not be conjured up to buttress insecure thoughts of your own self worth. I mean, what if she's prettier, hotter, sexier than you? What are you going to do about it? What can you do about it but devalue yourself because you're already too insecure to side-step mines regarding your worth compared to others. What if she looks like the bottom of your shoe, but she has charisma and charm and confidence that's alluring and attractive? There are so many combinations of attraction that you cannot keep up with all of them. You have to cultivate yourself, your own potential and uniqueness and be the individual you are, not someone else. If your self is that lacking in confidence, charm and charisma that everything hinges upon something as transitory as looks, then nothing but drama is going to ensue that will end up making him change his mind about you as a partner. 2
Author theashley85 Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 That's the lie you tell yourself to justify you devaluing your worth based on how someone's ex looks. Yes, girls do that. Grown women don't. Unless he's putting that ex up in the middle of your dealings with him, she belongs in the past and should stay there, not be conjured up to buttress insecure thoughts of your own self worth. I mean, what if she's prettier, hotter, sexier than you? What are you going to do about it? What can you do about it but devalue yourself because you're already too insecure to side-step mines regarding your worth compared to others. What if she looks like the bottom of your shoe, but she has charisma and charm and confidence that's alluring and attractive? There are so many combinations of attraction that you cannot keep up with all of them. You have to cultivate yourself, your own potential and uniqueness and be the individual you are, not someone else. If your self is that lacking in confidence, charm and charisma that everything hinges upon something as transitory as looks, then nothing but drama is going to ensue that will end up making him change his mind about you as a partner. This woman is pretty,but being completely honest, she is not what I thought she would be,like super pretty, modelish type , that is the way he saw her and the other rich man, I don't want to sound cocky but I can easily be prettier than her. plus I am more nurturing with him, more loving, I can cook, clean, I am not saying I am PREFECT cause no one is, but I have my qualities and thereby can be the whole package. I feel this woman is considered pretty, like a model, alluring or whatever it is, cause she has a good job position, and that can attract a man. and make seem super interesting. if you think about it, it makes the person look smart, interesting, and more appealing. if she was a girl in the customer service are of a retail store, which IS MY JOB, perhaps she would not be seen the SAME AT ALL.
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 I feel this woman is considered pretty, like a model, alluring or whatever it is, cause she has a good job position, and that can attract a man. and make seem super interesting. if you think about it, it makes the person look smart, interesting, and more appealing. if she was a girl in the customer service are of a retail store, which IS MY JOB, perhaps she would not be seen the SAME AT ALL. You're applying to men women's way of thinking. Most men don't care what a woman does for living. She is who she is, she has her qualities but their relationship didn't work out. That part of his life doesn't belong to you. Your only concern should be from now on. 1
Author theashley85 Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 You're applying to men women's way of thinking. Most men don't care what a woman does for living. She is who she is, she has her qualities but their relationship didn't work out. That part of his life doesn't belong to you. Your only concern should be from now on. The weird part is that physically speaking her and me we kind of look alike, hair color wise, and clothes, that kind of things. Also I am wondering because my boyfriend, seems very secure of himself, honest, he has even told me I am very transparent I am not rich, I don't have much money, I have a good job, with a very good salary, but I don't have lots of money. etc BUT I AM WONDERING, can it be the case, that he speaks about his past or the exes he had, because this past one was somehow inconclusive,and it never reached out to be a real relationship and he feels the need to express it, to get it out of his system? cause it did cause him some level of insecurity? I know many people would be like, why the heck a grown man would be talking about his ex wife,or exes to his new girlfriend, that would seem very childish to many people.
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 The physical similarities between you & his EX only prove he has a type.
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 BUT I AM WONDERING, can it be the case, that he speaks about his past or the exes he had, because this past one was somehow inconclusive,and it never reached out to be a real relationship and he feels the need to express it, to get it out of his system? cause it did cause him some level of insecurity? I know many people would be like, why the heck a grown man would be talking about his ex wife,or exes to his new girlfriend, that would seem very childish to many people. How long ago they broke up? When a man needs to get a woman out of his system it's because he's not done dealing with it. Not a good candidate for you to date especially if he speaks negative of her of if he is missing the good old days.
Author theashley85 Posted August 22, 2018 Author Posted August 22, 2018 How long ago they broke up? When a man needs to get a woman out of his system it's because he's not done dealing with it. Not a good candidate for you to date especially if he speaks negative of her of if he is missing the good old days. Well the thing is that they met each other in the work area,He began to work on a project in which she was the leader boss, cause she was his boss for this specific project (she is a senior property management manager or something like that) so they began to know eachother on february 2017, until July of 2017 (they send him to another state to work on another big project, so he had to go for 7 months and she kind of disliked that and what not) and basically after a while he just got fed up with her being a diva, if they were going to go out, she started telling him that her tooth hurt and all BS, so he told me he distanced himself from her, even though he missed her an liked her, and still she was flirting with him,( it sounds like they were trying to have a relationship but it never got to that point) but she was hurt that HER ex boyfriend had dumped her for his ex, so at that time her and my boyfriend met for this PROJECT, she was vulnerable and maybe needed a shoulder to cry, so it sounds like he was kindd of like a REBOUND. The funny thing is that even when he distanced himself, she still flirted with him and one day on a work meeting he told her, you know I miss you, and he told me that when he said that, she got all happy and literally gave her too much wings, like she felt more important, but it never got to a serious point, they were just hanging out for all that I know and from what he told me, he felt that deep down inside she was insecure acted like a diva and was somehow empty. he ex boyfriend left her unstable. My boyfriend told me that this is the word to describe her UNSTABLE. He had never talked to me about her with details like he did now or anything, he just mentioned her when we began dating he had told I went out with a girl that worked with me, but it did not work cause she had finished a relationship her boyfriend had dumped her and she was hunged up and she did not know what she wanted,,she was all over and kind of disoriented) this is all he mentioned to me at the beginning of us dating, but this past weekend, we where conversating about us, it just popped in the conversation, I mean he did not speak about her out of thin air. Him and I have been dating for 7 months, he has wonderful to me, very kind,giving,noble, we have even had the talk and he wants something serious with me. He was letting me know that he is very happy with me and his family likes me a lot, his mom likes me very much, in comparison to this past girl he had, that is why he brought up the conversations about her. The bad thing about this is that he has her on facebook, and if this girl recently posted a picture, which she actually did, on august 13, maybe he saw it and started giving him ideas, or some kind of feeling, like oh look at so and so. And perhaps this is what made him talk about her. These are just suppositions from my behalf, maybe he has not even seen anything. I just wonder if this is what triggered him to talk about her after such a long time.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 The level of detail you know about her, their relationship and her online activity all suggest you need to work on yourself and your low self-esteem more than anything else. She isn't really the problem. You are. Yes, really. You're sliding down the slippery slope of fixation, which has little to do with her and everything to do with your own perception of yourself. 2
Desesperado Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 The level of detail you know about her, their relationship and her online activity all suggest you need to work on yourself and your low self-esteem more than anything else. She isn't really the problem. You are. Yes, really. You're sliding down the slippery slope of fixation, which has little to do with her and everything to do with your own perception of yourself. Very creepy, I'm not really sure OP that you should be dating at all, this is borderline online stalking, you have a problem and need to address this quick, all this is absolutely not healthy nor normal... 1
Redhead14 Posted August 25, 2018 Posted August 25, 2018 Does it make you feel insecure,when your boyfriend tells you about his ex before you?, like do you wonder if she is prettier, hotter, more smart? Well my wonderful boyfriend, which is older than me,divorced,no kids thank god!!, had an ex if you can call it that way lol before me, so he had mentioned her when we first started but he did not give away any details or all the story with them both,so on Saturday he told me how they began, and he said, they had a nice time together, went out, but he would not consider a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship just by the way it all turned out,so on Sunday we go out again, and we where talking about how we met and just having a nice conversation laughing, enjoying time together, and he told me that when we began to talk, he travel back to his hometown for 2 weeks, we had not even gone on a first date, we were just talking on the phone etc, so when he goes back to his hometown, he kind of told his mom he had met me, but he did not wan to say it was confirmed that we were going out,cause his mom really wanted a good woman for him, so he did not want to give her false hopes about me, the point is he said going back to this ex girl he had, that his mom did not like her at all, and then he began talking about her again, the same things he had said on Saturday, that she was too diva, all the guys were after her, rich man, blah,blah, they did not even had sex,she was nice and all but there was something missing in her.This girl has a great job, looks pretty, like a model, I already saw her, she is pretty, but I was expecting more, not all that, but she is short 5'4 so I don't know what he meant by model etc! THE POINT IS: all of this conversation coming from his mouth made me insecure, and made me question myself: is she prettier than me? does he consider her prettier, better than me? and all these things, plus I cant deny I felt a little jealous as well, like if he wanted her badly or felt more for her that she for him, etc. So I wonder, how can I deal with this insecurity brought up by this conversation we had. I did not know much about this, cause he had mentioned her before, when we began dating but very lightly, no details or nothing. but just to know everything made me feel weird, like ****ty, I don't know if you can relate. Let him talk about it all he wants (not excessively though). You can gain a ton of insight from it. Pay careful attention. They are exes for a reason. It'd be interesting to know if HE was the reason and/or what his role in that failure was And then you have a heads up for the future between you. If, he does in fact start comparing you to her though, I'd dump him. And, when a man is bashing his ex, that's not a good thing either. It takes two to make a marriage successful. If he's only saying it ended because it was all her fault, listen more closely even. If he is otherwise making you feel special, treating you well, is consistent, don't focus on all that other stuff. Just observe.
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