Hello marriage in turmoil

[mvwfunk]

Hi everyone. I have come here hoping for some window to my own marriage. Some advice and I’m hoping for it without judgement. I’m the one who has messed my marriage and life up and so far any help i've sought has been yup you’ve got it all coming to you. I was on talk about marriage but when I posted this story the only thing i got was hatred and vitriol.

 

To make a long long long story short. I cheated and the why’s of course don’t matter but I did. Never in person. Online. On top of that, again because of a variety of reasons, i have made some poor financial decisions that have landed us in a tough spot. We’re not destroyed by any means but we are in a tough spot.

 

Because of all this there has been a lot of issues obviously. From her end she’s violent and mean and insecure and I can’t say i’ve been any better.

 

One of the big questions I have is what you guys consider respectable boundaries for a piece of sh** like myself. I have a lot of things I start to say “hey don’t treat me that way” or “I’m not okay with that” but everytime i stop myself from saying something. I deserve to be treated horribly yes?? She sure doesn’t. I feel endless piles of guilt for what I’ve done to us. I’ve stopped all poor behavior as of 12 months ago approximately but the damage is there.

 

I can extrapolate on anything anyone wishes i’m not shy, just usually the story doesn’t need to be detailed because I’m “one of those guys” that cheated on his wife. So anything i have to say is garbage. Hoping this place is a little different than the rest of the world. Thanks for listening.

[FMW]

Being unfaithful doesn't give the betrayed spouse free reign to be violent or abusive. Is it just part of her personality, has she always been volatile or just triggered by your cheating?

 

If she can't get past what you've done, and that would be very understandable, then she needs to end the marriage.

 

My husband was repeatedly unfaithful to me and financially irresponsible, so I've been there. I couldn't get past it and I ended the marriage. I didn't get violent, I didn't scream, I didn't say mean things to him.

[basil67]

Absolutely nothing excuses violence and meanness. If she can't get over your infidelity, she needs to walk - not stay and abuse you.

 

Assuming you want to continue the marriage, (I wouldn't - her behaviour is a dealbreaker) the best option you have as far as enforcing boundaries goes is a trial separation. She's not going to stop the behaviour until you pull out the big guns. "Please don't do that" just isn't going to work.

[mvwfunk]

Being unfaithful doesn't give the betrayed spouse free reign to be violent or abusive. Is it just part of her personality, has she always been volatile or just triggered by your cheating?

 

If she can't get past what you've done, and that would be very understandable, then she needs to end the marriage.

 

My husband was repeatedly unfaithful to me and financially irresponsible, so I've been there. I couldn't get past it and I ended the marriage. I didn't get violent, I didn't scream, I didn't say mean things to him.

 

Huh you know i guess she's always been very intense.... but the reactions for sure have been worse. Been slapped around a bunch over the last year. I've resorted to a childhood habit of hitting myself as well over guilt. So yeah violence is for sure present.

[Confused48]

Please explain why you seem to not even consider leaving her? If it is bc you feel guilty abandoning her after cheating, don't.

 

She may not have the strength to leave you but I think you would be doing yourself and her a favor by ending this. Let her start over with someone that hasn't cheated and you also, you can start over with someone that doesn't look at you constantly with hate and disgust. You both can have better and should.

[Guildford]

Am I correct that you did not have a physical affair, you did not meet with this person and have even an emotional, face-to-face affair. Was this an internet affair with another person, or was it addiction to pornography? In any case, this is not something over which a spouse should go ballistic. Also, how violent has your wife become, has it gone beyond slapping? I don't believe that your "infidelity" is the primary issue here, the primary issue is is your wife's reaction to it.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Guildford
missed word

[Lotsgoingon]

You did not murder anyone. Therefore she does NOT have the right to treat you like dirt or use abusive language. Abusive language in a marriage is out. Period!

 

If she cannot stand you, it's her duty to leave the marriage rather than stay and treat you like dirt. One can be mad at another ... that's legit ... but no threats and no name-calling. Period.

 

In fact, I'm going to twist your brain here and say one reason you had the online affair is precisely because you subject yourself to horrible treatment in the marriage and you don't think you have a right to better treatment. You're labeling yourself a worthless person because you flirted or had text-sex with someone?

 

Difference between:

 

1. making a mistake ...

 

&

 

2. Being worthless and a jerk who deserves to be berated with abusive language.

 

1 and 2 are not connected. Not!

 

No wonder you sought relief elsewhere. I'm guessing you must have grown up in a perfectionist, morally severe family that didn't allow room for human beings to be human.

 

I'm not saying you have to excuse your affair. But ... again, probably the pressure you're putting on yourself to be so morally perfect is exactly got you in this mess to begin with.

 

Get to therapy ... because this feeling you have is going to interfere with the rest of this relationship and with all other relationships.

[Amethyst68]

Because of all this there has been a lot of issues obviously. From her end she’s violent and mean and insecure and I can’t say i’ve been any better

 

First of all no-one should stay in a violent relationship, it's not acceptable in any shape or form from from anyone.

 

You say your behavior was no better, in what way? Is there violence on your end as well? I'm not suggesting anything, I am just unclear on this statement.

 

Do you have kids? If so then first priority should be getting them away from this toxic atmosphere/behavior.

[Orokotikki]

Been slapped around a bunch over the last year. I've resorted to a childhood habit of hitting myself as well over guilt. So yeah violence is for sure present.

 

As for hitting yourself... that is on you not her.

Quit hitting yourself.

 

As for her being mean and insecure - that is not surprising in light of the affair, it is natural to feel very angry, she should be encouraged to seek counseling to control and direct her anger, and recover from the insecurity which is invariably inflicted by an affair.

 

Has she slapped/hit you at all since say a month or so since the affair ended?

 

Have you provided the transparency and changes in actions to assure her the affair(s) have ended?

 

You say "Huh you know i guess she's always been very intense...", That statement is wishy-washy and deliberately leading. But let us ask point blank - did she hit you before your affair began?

 

Do you have children?

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

Abuse is not a simple black and white thing, for example cheating on your spouse is a form of psychological and sexual abuse inflicted on the betrayed spouse.

 

If you cannot change your behaviors to reassure your wife you have changed and begin to rebuild trust, then you should divorce her. Likewise if she cannot overcome and move beyond her anger.

 

Likely if both of you cannot commit to going to individual therapy and couples counseling the marriage will be miserable or end anyway.

[mvwfunk]

As for hitting yourself... that is on you not her.

Quit hitting yourself.

 

As for her being mean and insecure - that is not surprising in light of the affair, it is natural to feel very angry, she should be encouraged to seek counseling to control and direct her anger, and recover from the insecurity which is invariably inflicted by an affair.

 

Has she slapped/hit you at all since say a month or so since the affair ended?

 

Have you provided the transparency and changes in actions to assure her the affair(s) have ended?

 

You say "Huh you know i guess she's always been very intense...", That statement is wishy-washy and deliberately leading. But let us ask point blank - did she hit you before your affair began?

 

Do you have children?

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

Abuse is not a simple black and white thing, for example cheating on your spouse is a form of psychological and sexual abuse inflicted on the betrayed spouse.

 

If you cannot change your behaviors to reassure your wife you have changed and begin to rebuild trust, then you should divorce her. Likewise if she cannot overcome and move beyond her anger.

 

Likely if both of you cannot commit to going to individual therapy and couples counseling the marriage will be miserable or end anyway.

 

 

Very eye opening and I can say there were a few pushes and things but not the slaps. Yes we have kids and I wasn't trying to be vague i'm sorry.

[mvwfunk]

As I re-read this I sound like a total wimp. I'm sorry. I cheated and lied. I will face my consequences.

 

So here's my big picture.

The violence: Is only when I try to leave the house in the middle of an argument or something. She does it to stop me. She is scared because i'm hitting myself that i'll go off and kill myself. Fair enough i get that. I also am a cheater and a liar and manipulative so it's only fair she can mention those things.

 

 

Financial: I don't have a bank account now. We only have hers my paycheck goes straight into it and I have zero access. This is a direct consequence of my behavior with the money.

 

Phone: On tight restrictions. Can't install apps without requesting her. I am listed as a child on the account so all of those restrictions are in place. Can't browse the web, cant install apps etc.

 

She has started hinting that I should get rid of facebook because it makes her nervous for me to have social media.

 

Transportation. Since my car was totaled a few weeks back i'm borrowing a relaitves car. When that is done (it won't last long) she said i can rely on her picking me up from work or the bus

 

My question is. Is all of this fair? is this right?

[FMW]

Does this feel right to you?

 

Is this how you want to live your life?

[mvwfunk]

Does this feel right to you?

 

Is this how you want to live your life?

 

That's what i'm struggling with. Of course not but don't I deserve this?

[FMW]

Not on an ongoing basis. Like we've all said, she either needs to forgive you and stop punishing you, or end the marriage.

[MountainGirl111]

From her end she’s violent and mean and insecure

 

.

 

Is it possible this is one of the reasons you cheated?

[MountainGirl111]

As I re-read this I sound like a total wimp. I'm sorry. I cheated and lied. I will face my consequences.

 

So here's my big picture.

The violence: Is only when I try to leave the house in the middle of an argument or something. She does it to stop me. She is scared because i'm hitting myself that i'll go off and kill myself. Fair enough i get that. I also am a cheater and a liar and manipulative so it's only fair she can mention those things.

 

 

Financial: I don't have a bank account now. We only have hers my paycheck goes straight into it and I have zero access. This is a direct consequence of my behavior with the money.

 

Phone: On tight restrictions. Can't install apps without requesting her. I am listed as a child on the account so all of those restrictions are in place. Can't browse the web, cant install apps etc.

 

She has started hinting that I should get rid of facebook because it makes her nervous for me to have social media.

 

Transportation. Since my car was totaled a few weeks back i'm borrowing a relaitves car. When that is done (it won't last long) she said i can rely on her picking me up from work or the bus

 

My question is. Is all of this fair? is this right?

 

I think the above is way over the top in "consequences". She's basically taking over your freedom as a human being in this day and age. That's no way to live and certainly no way to be happy.

 

Again, I believe there is a reason people have affairs whether it's physical, emotional, on line or all of the above. There is a break down in the marriage. There is a reason you had an on line (primarily emotional/intellectual) relationship. You have needs. Ideally one's needs are met in the marriage, if married...but the reality is people don't have all their needs met by one single other person. This is why married people still need other friendships besides their spouse, in many cases.

 

She is smothering you now as part of the consequences and my concern would be will your spirit be killed as a result.

What are some of HER positive traits that keep you in this marriage? WHY is she so insecure? I think perhaps you know the answer to that. Do you still love her? Is she assured that you love her? She can take away some of your freedoms, but she cannot force you to love her "more" than you do...AND you will likely grow to resent her more than you already do.

 

Lastly: Stop hitting yourself. You are still someone who deserves to be loved and loved right.

[mvwfunk]

Not on an ongoing basis. Like we've all said, she either needs to forgive you and stop punishing you, or end the marriage.

 

try telling a hurt woman to get over it. Let me know how it goes. I'll wait..

[mvwfunk]

I think the above is way over the top in "consequences". She's basically taking over your freedom as a human being in this day and age. That's no way to live and certainly no way to be happy.

 

Again, I believe there is a reason people have affairs whether it's physical, emotional, on line or all of the above. There is a break down in the marriage. There is a reason you had an on line (primarily emotional/intellectual) relationship. You have needs. Ideally one's needs are met in the marriage, if married...but the reality is people don't have all their needs met by one single other person. This is why married people still need other friendships besides their spouse, in many cases.

 

She is smothering you now as part of the consequences and my concern would be will your spirit be killed as a result.

What are some of HER positive traits that keep you in this marriage? WHY is she so insecure? I think perhaps you know the answer to that. Do you still love her? Is she assured that you love her? She can take away some of your freedoms, but she cannot force you to love her "more" than you do...AND you will likely grow to resent her more than you already do.

 

Lastly: Stop hitting yourself. You are still someone who deserves to be loved and loved right.

 

She's an AMAZING mother and I'm crazy about her other than these things. I do not deserve to be loved though. She is scared i'm going to ruin our lives. That's what leads to the insecurity.

[Lotsgoingon]

Man, sorry to hear that you feel convinced that you "do not deserve to be loved."

 

You are confused on a key matter of life and self-improvement and improvement in character: Hating yourself does NOT lead to positive change.

 

Can you call a therapist and get to some kind of intensive counseling to deal with your self-loathing and self-rejection? Having a father who thinks he is unworthy of love is a terrible way for children to grow up. Self-abuse is no better than abusing others. If you can't do this for yourself, then get help so that your kids can grow up better.

 

So I wonder what you're not telling us here ...

 

Did you grow up in a family that told you that you were an awful human being?

 

Did your parents discipline you by attacking your worth (You're no good!) as opposed to criticizing specific actions (stealing that item was a bad move)?

[Amethyst68]

I find it interesting that everyone is jumping on the BS

with little or no information.

 

You state you have not had an online affair for 12 months, but no details. Was it a single EA or were there several? What was the duration? Did you confess or was there a DDay? All of these are only some of the things that factor into the consequences you now face. If you conducted your affair using your phone, using facebookr one of the many messaging apps available, then I can understand why your BS is asking for those restrictions and for full accountability.

 

Accepted recovery from any affair is reported to take 2-5yrs, at 12 months you still have a lot of work to do.

 

You are the only one who knows your financial situation but you must've agreed to close your account, whether as a consequence of your affair or the bad financial decisions you mention. If you no longer agree then discuss it with your wife.

 

Describing your wife's behavior as "mean" sounds just juvenile, it sounds like a kid on a playground.

 

Violence is never acceptable towards yourself or someone else. If this continues then you should at least separate ASSP. Both you and your wife need to be in IC. Also sounds like you need to look into your whys, why you don't think you could ever be loved, maybe a need for external violation.

 

If you cannot live with the restrictions then you have to decide what action you are willing to take, whether it be separation or divorce.