Macaronie Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I really need help with this situation as I the situation is so strange. I have just started seeing a coworker who used to be married - his wife split from him about 18 months ago. We are only a month into our relationship but hitting major roadblocks. His ex has hit the roof that he is seeing someone new (she herself has a boyfriend and it was her who split from him). She has been threatening him by claiming she'll move his children away, screaming down the phone at him, ringing him up to 18 times a day. Now she has turned her attention onto me. She has contacted me through facebook saying how dare I spend time with her husband the day after their wedding anniversary (?!), she hacked into my bfs messenger and read all our messages to each other and has now contacted an old boyfriend of mine - who I broke up with but was still friends with - and told him god knows what. We think it might be putting the idea into his head that I was cheating on him with my current bf but who knows. Its getting really bad and I feel quite threatened by it all. I get the feeling that if she saw me in person then she would batter me. At the moment I have been ignoring her and not replying to her but she seems relentless. Is this the right tactic to use?
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Does she have a divorce attorney? I dated a guy who's EX was whacky like that. I called her lawyer & told him to get her to lay off or I was going to become a witness in the child custody case making sure the judge knew about all the garbage she was saying to me as evidence as to why she was an unfit mother. No I did not tell my BF at the time I was going to make the call. I just called. Granted, I knew her lawyer & he knew that I'd make a great witness so he got the crazy EX to back off. Check the wiretap laws in your state. If you can record her do so. If she is at your house or around you, film her with your phone. Bring that evidence to local law enforcement & get them to handle her. 2
Author Macaronie Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 I live in the UK but no they don't have a divorce lawyer yet. She's so far had 2-3 boyfriends since their split and my bf has had zero until me. Its stressing him and me out but the police don't really do anything in the UK. They don't take this sort of harassment seriously at all. I get the horrible feeling that she will find out where I live (its easy as you can just find addresses through voting and land registry and I have a very unusual last name) and verbally or physically abuse me. Initially I felt sorry for her but she's taken it a step too far with trying to turn people against me - my ex was also a very close friend before we got together and we still talk on and off, can't believe she's poisoned him against me!
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Has she threatened you? Has she called you directly? If not, as upsetting as her behavior is, you might not have many options> I would still contact the police & ask their advice. Also call a lawyer yourself; maybe you can pay that person to write a cease & desist letter. However since you & this co-worker have only been dating 4 weeks, maybe tell him you can't handle his EX & bow out. Yes, that lets her "win" but you lose just by playing her game.
Author Macaronie Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 No she hasn't threatened me at all and there is no way I'd break up with him. We've worked together for a year and had both liked each other - without the other knowing all along. We'd both be heartbroken if we split over her. I guess Im just going to have to suck it up as Im pretty sure there are countless people out there who have to cope with situations like this but its just so unfair how she's allowed to have relationships and he isn't. It doesn't make any sense to me at all why she wants to ruin current relationships. Why is she doing this?
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Why is she doing this? Because she can & he lets her. 3
stillafool Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Does she want him back? I would tell my bf he'd better get her to knock it off or I'm going to get a restraining order on her because of her threats. That won't look good in court either. Why haven't they divorced already since it's been 18 months? 1
coolheadal Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 (edited) {snip} Its getting really bad and I feel quite threatened by it all. I get the feeling that if she saw me in person then she would batter me. At the moment I have been ignoring her and not replying to her but she seems relentless. Is this the right tactic to use? Back out of this now.. He's still married to her, doesn't seem to be anything like separation or divorce. Your getting involved with a married man who's wife knows of you. Dangerous situation your in. Don't get involved in this toxic drama he's not worth it. Then the kids are involved. Being pushed into his face. This is how you see how he handles this as a man. That could be you in a few years if you stay in this mess. Edited August 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 End the relationship. You didn't sign up for this, and there isn't a person out there that is worth this type of drama. IMO if he doesn't have a handle on things, he never will...exit stage right. better to protect yourself, she cray cray. 2
Highndry Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Sounds like another one of those BPD gals. Crazy as all get out, and everything that applies to their bf/husband does not apply to them. 1
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 No she hasn't threatened me at all and there is no way I'd break up with him. We've worked together for a year and had both liked each other - without the other knowing all along. We'd both be heartbroken if we split over her. I guess Im just going to have to suck it up as Im pretty sure there are countless people out there who have to cope with situations like this but its just so unfair how she's allowed to have relationships and he isn't. It doesn't make any sense to me at all why she wants to ruin current relationships. Why is she doing this? Good luck with that then. And yes d0nnivain is right, it's because he lets her. It's only going to get worse. 1
Author Macaronie Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 LOL you guys aren't telling me what I want to hear I don't want to break up with him. We're going to ride it out together. Im more concerned that she's going to try and wreck my life both personal and professional. Yes, she is already thinking about contacting our boss to tell them that we're together. Not really sure how this should affect anything as plenty of people get together through their job but Im guessing she's clutching at straws.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Yikes, she sounds vindictive and psycho. Sorry you're going through this. Hopefully if she tries to stir up problems with your boss, your boss will have the sense to realize she's the crazy one.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Wait a sec. I thought your BF used to be married to her? So they are still married but have been separated for awhile? Well, hang in there and stay safe. Anyway, based on her behaviors no wonder he wants out of that marriage. She's completely flipped.
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 That would be more than enough reason for me to end this relationship... They have children together. She is not going to go away... Stay at your own risk. 2
preraph Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 They are not divorcing. It's been did you say 18 months and they haven't even gotten an attorney and gotten the divorce underway. He needs to get an attorney IF he wants to divorce. Chances are he's still sleeping with her too since clearly she wants him. You can't keep seeing someone who says they're separated but has done nothing towards divorce. Now, if he has filed papers himself, let me know, since you are not in the US and it might be different there. But a man with no divorce in process can't end well. 2
Noproblem Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) I am sorry but what the heck! Not only he is a married man with 3 kids not only you only started dating him for one month not only he is your coworker, to begin with, so you have no bussiness being with him but he is also a guy who has a crazy whack job called a wife that is making your life a living drama that everyone is watching while enjoying the popcorn this woman could cause you more trouble than this First, report her to the police! No, ifs, no whys! Just do it! Then, end this relationship with this unfortunate person and his miserable wife! You deserve someone better! End it now before it's too late! I mean do you see the news, people kill for stupid reasons, why did that man kill his pregnant wife? why is this wife angry that you are with him? She could hurt you! She is crazy and he is not worth the fight for him, he is not a catch! He will never be your catch anyway, He is your bad luck, time for you to stay away from this bad luck and run! RUn! Edited August 21, 2018 by Noproblem
Author Macaronie Posted August 21, 2018 Author Posted August 21, 2018 Yep watching Deadly Women where the ex murders the new girlfriend hasn't helped. I have never even met this woman - and don't intend to - not been around their children either. I know its easier to just pack it in and let her win but thats assuming that Im a robot and can instantly shut down emotions and attachments. I will be going to the police however if she keeps on harassing me and am keeping a catalogue of things she has done to me. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Yep watching Deadly Women where the ex murders the new girlfriend hasn't helped. I have never even met this woman - and don't intend to - not been around their children either. I know its easier to just pack it in and let her win but thats assuming that Im a robot and can instantly shut down emotions and attachments. I will be going to the police however if she keeps on harassing me and am keeping a catalogue of things she has done to me. That's really your only option if you're not willing to walk away. Keep a log of everything, but do not respond to her. What does your boyfriend say or do about this? Where are they in the divorce proceedings? 1
bathtub-row Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) People like her are insane. You need to end this relationship because it’s threatening your safety. It really doesn’t matter how you feel about this guy. If you stay with him, you’ll always have to contend with her. It’s not about her winning or losing, it’s about you making smart choices. Edited August 21, 2018 by bathtub-row 2
OatsAndHall Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 LOL you guys aren't telling me what I want to hear I don't want to break up with him. We're going to ride it out together. Im more concerned that she's going to try and wreck my life both personal and professional. Yes, she is already thinking about contacting our boss to tell them that we're together. Not really sure how this should affect anything as plenty of people get together through their job but Im guessing she's clutching at straws. In these situations, try to take a look at it from an outsider's perspective. The people in your life aren't going to view this women in a positive manner. Individuals that cause drama like this (especially with perfect strangers..) aren't going to be viewed as credible or even sane. My ex-wife's ex was an unstable drunk who harassed me repeatedly. He did his best to ruin my personal and professional reputation; he even called my principal at the time and claimed I was calling him and harassing him during school hours (a complete and total lie). He attacked me via social media, messaged friends, etc..etc.. It freaked me out initially but, at the end of the day, people saw that he was a drunken idiot and grew tired of his crap quickly. And, having the police call him and tell him to knock it off put a dent in the problem. Especially when those police reports were brought into custody hearings. 1
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 I know its easier to just pack it in and let her win but thats assuming that Im a robot and can instantly shut down emotions and attachments. It's been a month, how attached can you possibly be? There are so many red flags here, you could start a parade. But, if you chose to ignore them all and stubbornly stay involved with this man and his wife... Well, I suppose you will learn this lesson the hard way. 6
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 I agree one month isn't worth Jack. If it were me I would shut it down until he got this thing fixed....divorced, child custody settled, etc. Actually I wouldn't have touched that at all. not good. 1
kendahke Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 LOL you guys aren't telling me what I want to hear I don't want to break up with him. We're going to ride it out together. Then get used to her harassing you. If he won't make it clear to her to back off, then you're going to have to figure out how to tolerate her forever how long their children are minors and even beyond that. He is messy beyond belief that this hasn't been handled and settled before he sought out someone new. It's not he didn't know how she was--he was married to her and knew what she was capable of. Why is he dragging his feet on a divorce? That is your main problem. If any emergency happens to him, you're not the legal next of kin--she is. Think things are bad now, wait until he's faced with a medical emergency. You need to back up off this until he's got an executed divorce decree otherwise, this is just messy messy messy. 2
stillafool Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 LOL you guys aren't telling me what I want to hear I don't want to break up with him. We're going to ride it out together. Im more concerned that she's going to try and wreck my life both personal and professional. Yes, she is already thinking about contacting our boss to tell them that we're together. Not really sure how this should affect anything as plenty of people get together through their job but Im guessing she's clutching at straws. Yeah, but the point is he's still a married man. What about your reputation? Why haven't they divorced already after 18 months?
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