maestrok Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 A guy asked me out on a date today. But he's recently broke up (2 months ago) with his ex-gf of 3 year relationship. High risk of this being a rebound? Should I try to date him at all? He's in mid 30s if that matters.
Streetlight23 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 If you like him, I say you should go on the date, but have your radar up for any flags that say hes not over his breakup. It wont be tough to hide if hes not. Odds are he is not over his ex but you'll never know unless you see for yourself.
dream of me Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 It really depends on when he checked out emotionally. Best to take it slow. And if you notice he mentions her often in an unsolicited way, then chances are he's not over it (yet).
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I think this very much depends on the individual and the specific circumstances of the break-up. It's always better to err on the side of caution, but speaking from personal experience, people are sometimes emotionally checked out of a relationship long before it officially ends. I dated a guy from 18-23 (and we lived together for 3 of those years) and finally broke it off a while after it really should have ended. 2 months after I broke up with him, I met and started dating another guy. He and I wound up dating for nearly 8 years. Point being, the time elapsed from a break-up is not always a reliable indicator of how ready someone is to date again. I had lost my romantic and emotional attachment to that ex well before my next boyfriend came into the picture. I would see if your guy offers more details of the break-up, and go from there. But do keep your eyes and ears wide open for signs of him not being ready yet. 1
alphamale Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 it depends whether he broke up with her or she broke up with him. if it is the latter then steer clear 2
Author maestrok Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 it depends whether he broke up with her or she broke up with him. if it is the latter then steer clear I actually did ask him - he said it was mutual breakup. The main reason being they didn't agree on "what each other's role should be to the other". Not sure what that means.
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 It really depends on when he checked out emotionally. Best to take it slow. And if you notice he mentions her often in an unsolicited way, then chances are he's not over it (yet). I think this very much depends on the individual and the specific circumstances of the break-up. But do keep your eyes and ears wide open for signs of him not being ready yet. Rebounds are not measured by a calendar. They are determined by emotional healing. Go on the date. If he talks about her, be careful. Ask him if he knows why that relationship ended. It's a yes or no Q; you don't want details. If he was the dumper he may have been emotionally done before he pulled the trigger & ended things. If he was blindsided because she wanted out, you are more likely a salve for his broken heart. If at the end of the date you realize he's not emotionally available to date you, tell him thanks but no thanks. Please don't ghost. If you disappear & don't tell him that he's still hung up on her you will delay his healing because he'll be contemplating 2 break ups & think he's defective rather than just temporarily broken.
alphamale Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I actually did ask him - he said it was mutual breakup. The main reason being they didn't agree on "what each other's role should be to the other". Not sure what that means. "mutual breakup??" what a bunch of baloney. most likely she broke up with him 1
Author maestrok Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 Go on the date. If he talks about her, be careful. Ask him if he knows why that relationship ended. It's a yes or no Q; you don't want details. If he was the dumper he may have been emotionally done before he pulled the trigger & ended things. If he was blindsided because she wanted out, you are more likely a salve for his broken heart. I already asked. He said yes and explained xyz (not that much details though). They knew it was coming and grew apart (so he says). He said he feels absolutely ready to date again now. If at the end of the date you realize he's not emotionally available to date you, tell him thanks but no thanks. Please don't ghost. If you disappear & don't tell him that he's still hung up on her you will delay his healing because he'll be contemplating 2 break ups & think he's defective rather than just temporarily broken. How do you know if someone is emotionally available or not? Dropping ex-gf's name (which some people suggested above) isn't really a good indicator I think?
coolheadal Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 A guy asked me out on a date today. But he's recently broke up (2 months ago) with his ex-gf of 3 year relationship. High risk of this being a rebound? Should I try to date him at all? He's in mid 30s if that matters. Date, be careful and aware of this resent breakup. 3 years needs 1 year to recover from a break-up. He's has 10 months to go. For every 1 together it's 1 year away from another dating. He's not over her yet. Just beware of that. If he doesn't text or call you back so quick you'll know. Remember you not an option when that starts (makes you wait forever for him then excuses kicks in) Lost of interest too... Thinks go come down the line...
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 He gave you a well reasoned intellectual answer. He didn't call her names. He didn't blame her. In short he was gracious & mature about the whole thing. That is some evidence he may be ready. Still go on the date with him. See how he talks. If you here any comparisons, he is still hung up on her. You know things like "She would not have liked this"; "___ was her favorite food"; "Oh you are drinking, this; she would have ordered that." Even if he phrases the comparisons negatively about her, the problem is he's making them at all. If has enough sense to keep those thoughts to himself, assuming he recognizes himself making them, then he knows deep down he's not ready. A good person will then fade away from you. Most people don't have the guts to tell you that is what happened but I think only a few will use you to make themselves feel better.
coolheadal Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I actually did ask him - he said it was mutual breakup. The main reason being they didn't agree on "what each other's role should be to the other". Not sure what that means. That means they couldn't committed to each other. Role of GF and BF didn't work out, he's left out some data.. He needs to tell you the entire story because they've been together not 1, not 2 but 3 years.. That's a long time to end it all over what they didn't agree as couple? Could that happen to you?
Author maestrok Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 That means they couldn't committed to each other. Role of GF and BF didn't work out, he's left out some data.. He needs to tell you the entire story because they've been together not 1, not 2 but 3 years.. That's a long time to end it all over what they didn't agree as couple? Could that happen to you? Not really (for me) - but then I'm usually quick to judge He also added that they tried to change each other for a long time but couldn't. Based on which, not sure if it was still the commitment issue?
kendahke Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 A guy asked me out on a date today. But he's recently broke up (2 months ago) with his ex-gf of 3 year relationship. High risk of this being a rebound? Should I try to date him at all? He's in mid 30s if that matters. I think so, but it depends upon if he's really well and truly done with her or is he still holding a flame for her, hoping to get her back. I think it's a rebound and you should proceed very cautiously. I've had a man who was divorced for over 5 years tell me that he wasn't over not having his wife and family anymore. IMO, until they get to indifference about their ex, you have to take things very slowly, emotionally. Do not invest your heart anywhere near him until he has proven his indifference to his ex.
Mrin Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 As a guy who has been known to date too early after a relationship - I think the amount of time he mentions her is actually a really good indicator. Looking back it was a terrific indicator for me. It wasn't so much about being over her per se but rather having her out of my way of being that would allow somebody else to come in and occupy that space. Hopefully that makes sense.
Desesperado Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Not really (for me) - but then I'm usually quick to judge He also added that they tried to change each other for a long time but couldn't. Based on which, not sure if it was still the commitment issue? This story on his side seems reasonable, people drift away and don't have the courage to break things. However this here is one big red flag, if he was the one trying to change the other, it's one of the biggest in reality, if you get in relationships trying to change people, you didn't mature enough or get experience from your relationships, people change if they want and you shouldn't be asking this of any partner... So be careful !
guest569 Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Where did you meet? How did the topic of his ex come up? 2 months is nothing. But some people move on super fast. I would be super wary and put off by this though.
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