joemesina Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Hello all, I hope someone could hear me and give me some advice on this difficult situation I am facing. Last saturday was my cousin's birthday, she threw a small party, I knew that my ex was going to be there, because she is friends with my cousin, also I went with my new girlfriend whom I am dating for nearly a year, my ex went alone. The problem is that I still have some feeling for my ex, I still stalk her on social media every now and then, we were together for seven years and I was head over heels in love with her,she looked very good after all this time. Me and my new girlfriend went and say hi, all was handled very diplomatic, but that was all the contact on that evening, except for a few stares at some moments. During the whole event it didn't went well for me, I felt quite uncomfortable and uneasy being so close to my ex, because of feeling that I still have. My girlfriend talked to me the following day, knowing that I didn't handled it so well because in the party I wasn't the same, and also I was kind of cold. I talked alot yesterday with my girlfriend, she wasn't mad, but she was sad, and cried a bit, she thinks I am still living in the past, and I haven't moved on completely. My relation with my ex didn't end well, for months after she broke up with me, I tried to get her back and failed miserably, she started to date some guy and I was all alone and then after trying to move on I met my new girl. Now my ex is single again after dating this guy who treated her very bad and betrayed her. My thought on all this is that some part of me wants to get back with my ex, but the other is developing feelings to the new girlfriend and also I know that If I break my new girlfriends heart and went back with my ex, I will miss her a lot and also feel very bad, she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. My new girlfriend loves me alot she is very kind and loving, comprehensive, cute, intelligent, we share alot of same believes and have things in common, I also don't want to lose her, but thinking that I will never be again with my ex also kills me on the inside, and I have been having thoughts on contacting my ex. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Finally I want to inform that my ex hasn't talked to me or given any hint that she wants to get back, this is all just my thoughts. Any advice will help, thanks.
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Hate to tell you this but your "new" Gf of over a year is a rebound. You started with her not because you were so into her but because you didn't want to be alone. She deserves better so let go of her. She knows it's coming. There is no need to drag it out & make her suffer more. Your EX doesn't want you back. Just because she is still single does not mean she has any interest in reviving a relationship that didn't work the first time. Whatever good will you have enjoyed after the break up was wasted when you were a clingy demanding EX who wouldn't take no for an answer & go away. Moreover, do you know why that & year relationship failed & has every issue that broke you two apart been corrected? If not, then there is nothing to go back to; it didn't work then & it won't work now. I think you will be best served by standing on your own two feet & being single for a while. You need to figure out who you are without your EX. 4
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Poor GF. That has always been my worst fear that a man uses me a a band-aid to get over an other woman. Of course you like your GF, she has a lot of good qualities and she was your life-saver after your break up. You grew attached to her, but you are not *in love* with her and after 1 year I think you've used her enough now and you should set her free and fly on your own for a while. 4
MountainGirl111 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into believing the thing you have with your new GF is a good and right thing for you. But, despite all her wonderful qualities you mention, it's not convincing. Sorry. I know if the new GF was the one for you it would surely help you truly move on from you ex. The new GF is a rebound and she knows it and she knows you are still not over your ex, which is why it put her in tears. She knows. You couldn't hide it from her and I don't think you can hide it from yourself if you're honest. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I have to agree with Gaeta and d0nnivain. Your current girlfriend was your rebound. And now she has realized that too. Your best option here is to break up with her, and not immediately go looking for your ex. Stay single and take time to properly heal and move on. Your girl sounds lovely, but you know you aren't into her the way she is into you. It's not fair to keep this going when you clearly are not in the right head space for it. 1
Author joemesina Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 Thanks for all the answers, I want to add that my relation with this new girl started 10 month after my ex broke up with me, I was in contact with my ex on and off on this time but I wasnt clingy, and I stopped all contact with her when she decided to date another guy. It was 3 month later of being completely single and no contact with my ex that I met my current girlfriend. I really want our relationship to work, I never considered her a rebound, I knew from along time ago what that implies. This girl is unique very different to common girls I have known. I want to finally move on and leave the past where it is.
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Thanks for all the answers, I want to add that my relation with this new girl started 10 month after my ex broke up with me, I was in contact with my ex on and off on this time but I wasnt clingy, and I stopped all contact with her when she decided to date another guy. It was 3 month later of being completely single and no contact with my ex that I met my current girlfriend. I really want our relationship to work, I never considered her a rebound, I knew from along time ago what that implies. This girl is unique very different to common girls I have known. I want to finally move on and leave the past where it is. I am afraid you are lying to yourself. She is not *that* unique because you are still pining over your ex-girlfriend. You wish she was your saving angel but she is not. Being alone 3 months is a drop in the ocean. Obviously it was not enough for you to emotionally cut ties with your ex. How would you feel if the woman you're with still secretly harbored feelings for her ex? 3
MountainGirl111 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 (edited) The problem is that I still have some feeling for my ex, I still stalk her on social media every now and then, we were together for seven years and I was head over heels in love with her,she looked very good after all this time. Me and my new girlfriend went and say hi, all was handled very diplomatic, but that was all the contact on that evening, except for a few stares at some moments. During the whole event it didn't went well for me, I felt quite uncomfortable and uneasy being so close to my ex, because of feeling that I still have. My girlfriend talked to me the following day, knowing that I didn't handled it so well because in the party I wasn't the same, and also I was kind of cold. I talked alot yesterday with my girlfriend, she wasn't mad, but she was sad, and cried a bit, she thinks I am still living in the past, and I haven't moved on completely. My relation with my ex didn't end well, for months after she broke up with me, I tried to get her back and failed miserably, she started to date some guy and I was all alone and then after trying to move on I met my new girl. Now my ex is single again after dating this guy who treated her very bad and betrayed her. s. Here's what I think might be going on. The relationship with your ex "didn't end well." Might you tell us why/how? Because that could be part of the key as to why you have had trouble moving on and are not over your ex. If you were truly in love with the new GF....like really into her....you would not have felt so uneasy around the ex. No, you're not over the ex. When you are over someone you can be around them without feeling stirred up/bothered. I know you want to get over the ex for good. You are the only one who can release yourself from your ex. If it ended bad, what was your part in that and could there be some residual feelings in your conscience that you're having a hard time letting go of. Do you have a guilty conscience, perhaps? You need to be honest and stop waffling. C'mon, what would be the purpose of stalking an ex on social media? Is she really and truly a real "ex"? Edited August 20, 2018 by MountainGirl111 2
MountainGirl111 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Thanks for all the answers, I want to add that my relation with this new girl started 10 month after my ex broke up with me, I was in contact with my ex on and off on this time but I wasnt clingy, and I stopped all contact with her when she decided to date another guy. It was 3 month later of being completely single and no contact with my ex that I met my current girlfriend. I really want our relationship to work, I never considered her a rebound, I knew from along time ago what that implies. This girl is unique very different to common girls I have known. I want to finally move on and leave the past where it is. Even though you've "added" this portion to the story...I think it's further evidence you are trying to convince yourself of something. I understand you don't want to hurt your new girlfriend and all so this is why you're between a rock and a hard place. Well, here's a bit of advice that I give myself from time to time: Be honest. Honesty lays the right foundation for building relationships, any relationship; not just romantic ones. 2
Zahara Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 Thanks for all the answers, I want to add that my relation with this new girl started 10 month after my ex broke up with me, I was in contact with my ex on and off on this time but I wasnt clingy, and I stopped all contact with her when she decided to date another guy. It was 3 month later of being completely single and no contact with my ex that I met my current girlfriend. I really want our relationship to work, I never considered her a rebound, I knew from along time ago what that implies. This girl is unique very different to common girls I have known. I want to finally move on and leave the past where it is. You were with your ex for 7 years. Do you actually believe that 7 months of on and off contact with your ex followed by 3 months of actual NC was enough time invested in healing and finding some level of indifference towards your ex? It's unreasonable to think 3 months was enough time to significantly move on. You latched onto your current girlfriend because she was an escape from your pain at the time. While she is a wonderful person, she's not the right person for you if you are still pining for your ex. And your girlfriend can't be that unique if you are hung up on your ex. Let your girlfriend go and allow her to be with a man that is 100% emotionally available to her and able to give her a full relationship. She shouldn't be your second best option. And you need to be on your own and establish your emotional independence. 3
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I agree, poor GF. You kept these feelings from her and now she is trashed...so cruel. Stop being damn selfish and let her go. You are nowhere near ready to give your heart to somebody. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 joemesina Whether the next person you date is a rebound isn't measured on a calendar relative to when your part break up was official. It's measured against whether you were fully healed, & you weren't. Your "new" GF is a nice person but you don't love her. Because you are also a nice person who doesn't intentionally use people, now that you realize you aren't as into her as you are still into your EX, you have to do the right thing & let her go. She shouldn't have to be your 2nd choice. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Only if you purposefully wedge yourself in there! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 joemesina Whether the next person you date is a rebound isn't measured on a calendar relative to when your part break up was official. It's measured against whether you were fully healed, & you weren't. Your "new" GF is a nice person but you don't love her. Because you are also a nice person who doesn't intentionally use people, now that you realize you aren't as into her as you are still into your EX, you have to do the right thing & let her go. She shouldn't have to be your 2nd choice. Yes, exactly. 10 months or 10 years isn't really relevant when your heart and mind are still too attached to an ex, OP. Your girlfriend is a good catch, but you are not invested the way you should be. You know this, and now she knows it too. 1
Author joemesina Posted August 20, 2018 Author Posted August 20, 2018 Thanks again for all additional comments. I know the past is the past, I want to do things right with my new girlfriend. It may sound selfish but I do not want to end my relation with my new gf, I am willing to do what it takes to concentrate on her, respect her and love her, and for starters I have stopped completely stalking my ex on social media. I think this new girl is an opportunity to start again, maybe the start wasn't done the right way, but it happened and now is the time to take action. I accept my old relation ended and this is an opportunity for a new beginning.
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 OK. You have made that choice. Step one is disconnect from the EX. Tell your cousin that you'd rather not see or hear about her.
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Thanks again for all additional comments. I know the past is the past, I want to do things right with my new girlfriend. It may sound selfish but I do not want to end my relation with my new gf, I am willing to do what it takes to concentrate on her, respect her and love her, and for starters I have stopped completely stalking my ex on social media. I think this new girl is an opportunity to start again, maybe the start wasn't done the right way, but it happened and now is the time to take action. I accept my old relation ended and this is an opportunity for a new beginning. Start honoring her like a real man does when he's in love with a woman he respects. Cut the ex, don't attend social gathering when she is there, make new friends.
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