OW--did your relationship w/your MM begin w/ you believing he would leave or...?

[Barby]

Okay seriously I am starting this thread for a few different reasons (NOT to start a "morality" war, or for anyone to make judgements).....one of my reasons is because of the more frequent types of posts we read here in this forum are about the OW waiting/wanting/wondering about if in fact her MM will finally leave, stay gone/return home, ect, ect in order to "valildate" or take their relationship to the next level.

 

 

Now clearly there are other types posts from the OW being happy w/ the relationship the way it is....(ie accepting their place in MM's life, ect) who post for various reasons.

 

 

For me, either way.............it's one's personal choice what relationship or person they choose to get involved with so in asking what I'm about to ask, I hope that it is clear that by no means am I lacking in respect for the OW in this forum or those who will be willing to respond to thid this thread.

 

 

Okay so the question.........as stated in the title..........

 

Those OW who are expecting/waiting for their MM to leave his W/SO who've have given deadlines or who've just been waiting for them to make their move, ect...........

 

1) did you begin your relationship with your MM knowing they were in another relationship?

 

2) did he tell you out-right that he planned to leave his wife (even if you asked him what his intentions were w/you & her)---or---was his leaving something brought up between the two of you later on throughout your relationship?

 

3) Or did it get to the point of you not being able to handle being the "OW" anymore and ask him to make a decision?

 

 

All replies welcome...........thanks in advance!

[lynnered]

1) did you begin your relationship with your MM knowing they were in another relationship?

we started as friends ,she was pregnant when we met,they were M when A began ,so yes.

2) did he tell you out-right that he planned to leave his wife (even if you asked him what his intentions were w/you & her)---or---was his leaving something brought up between the two of you later on throughout your relationship?

after the 1st time we made love he said"he made his bed as far as her hes not happy ,hes comfortable hes has no plans of leaving.

 

3) Or did it get to the point of you not being able to handle being the "OW" anymore and ask him to make a decision?

around or after 1st year i didnt ask him to leave i was ending it because we had no future then he said he was leaving "one day"& that was my 1st NC , i told him get in touch when he leaves ,then a month later he started bugging me to talk & we restarted A, he told me he loved me,then it was soon ,then when child started school & u know my situation now barby:mad:

[9Lives]

To answer your questions.

 

1) did you begin your relationship with your MM knowing they were in another relationship?

****Yes our started that way. That was the plan for sure.

 

2) did he tell you out-right that he planned to leave his wife (even if you asked him what his intentions were w/you & her)---or---was his leaving something brought up between the two of you later on throughout your relationship?

 

***Yes he did. He even brought the divorce papers to my house one day. I did not respond to them. My whole thing is and still is...leave because that is what you want to do. Not for no other reason.

 

3) Or did it get to the point of you not being able to handle being the "OW" anymore and ask him to make a decision?

**I have gotten tot he point where I my needs and expectations are not being met. I dont want to settle for crumbs and I want him to make his move or let me go on. If he wants to stay though I will miss him like crazy, I am not trying to wait for him. He does not have to worry about me anymore.

[nosybear819]

Barby- when I met my MM he was engaged he told me the night of our first date that he had a pretty serious g/f but the attraction was there and very strong so I kept on seeing him. About 3 months into it he told me that he wanted to go out and talk about things, which is the night that he told me his serious g/f was actually his fiance and they were set to get married a in a year (this past june).

 

So, no I am totally aware the part that I play in his life and vice versa. We don't even discuss his W - it's almost been 2 years and I don't even know her name! I never expected that he would leave her for me..actually I'm lying! In the first few months before he admitted that he was engaged I thought "wow what a great person! I wonder if he likes me more than his "serious" g/f". But ever since I've found out the whole situation I would never expect him to choose me over her. I'm still human and I'd be more deeply hurt if our relationship ended but I know that I am the OW not the W.

 

Oh, yeah and even tho' I am one - I find those women who believe their MM will leave the W to be completely insane. Like that guy says " Know your role..." who says that anyway? By the way does that make me a hypocrite?

[9Lives]

Yeah you have to know your role. Or change your role.

[izzybelle]

MM told me right up front that his marriage was over and had been for years, mostly by his wife's choice. we had known each other for years as friends. and my understanding was that one of them would be filing for divorce about 6 months after we started seeing each other. i know that still doesn't make it right.

 

the deal was that his youngest was leaving home and that his wife had made it VERY clear that at that point she was done and so was their marriage. or so i was told..... in the end his son's plans ended up being put off for a year, he was going through a year of transition before college. and then she found out about me .... and they decided to try again, or something like that. so the A with me ended.

 

well, he's now off at college so who knows what will happen! no longer my concern.

[Barby]

Oh, yeah and even tho' I am one - I find those women who believe their MM will leave the W to be completely insane. Like that guy says " Know your role..." who says that anyway? By the way does that make me a hypocrite?

 

 

:confused: No, it doesn't make you a hypocrite at all....I always thought (basically assumed) that when you knowingly become an "OW" then you should in a way "know your role":p !!!

 

 

I understand those who were lied to, this kinda doesn't apply but the OW who knew...I was just curious as to what brought them to change their mind about settling for being the "OW".

 

 

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate ya'll taking the time/effort and trust to reply and share your story to answer my question.

[RecordProducer]

When I was 19 I had a short relationship with a married man. We set a date before I found out that he was married. Then he told me they were separated, but I found out that he lied about a few things so after 2 weeks (we saw each other just a few times) I realized that he was a scum and I stopped seeing him.

 

Three years ago I liked a guy and we flirted; then I found out he was married. He started this BS about not seeing his wife at all (he was lying) right away. I was thinking about whether to use him for sex only but then thought to myself that I might actually fall in love with him and I didn't need that in my life. So nithing happened.

 

After reading all the stories of the OW on LS, I don't think I could ever be with a MM. Anyway, I am happily in love!

 

BTW, Barby, you're cute like a button!

[princessjulieanne]

I know I'll get a lot of negative responses for this but need to be honest. I knew he was married when I got involved. I'm not really good at serious relationships and usually get hurt. I thought this would be a good situation because I wouldn't get hurt because I couldn't get too attached.

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong I am very attached but ironically enough would not want him to leave the marriage because I wouldn't be able to trust him. I think I'm attached because of the friendship thing mainly. We are very close and talk about everything kind of a Will & Grace relationship but great sex included.

 

So wrongly or not I went in knowing he was taken but never with the intentions of breaking up his marriage or hurting his wife.

 

An added note, listen to Record Producer, any advice I've read of hers has been very insightful and honest!

Julie

[MsCalisun66]

Hi,

I have been reading this forum for a couple of months now. I was glad to find it and know there were people in a similar position as me. I was involved with a MM, long distance more of an emotional affair.

 

1) did you begin your relationship with your MM knowing they were in another relationship? - Yes, he was married. Met him online. He said he hasn't been happy in years. I was in the process of separating from my husband.

 

 

2) did he tell you out-right that he planned to leave his wife (even if you asked him what his intentions were w/you & her)---or---was his leaving something brought up between the two of you later on throughout your relationship? - He kept telling me he was going to leave. Dangling that hook of hope.

 

3) Or did it get to the point of you not being able to handle being the "OW" anymore and ask him to make a decision? - I couldn't handle it anymore. I was tired of the lies, which finally caught up with him. I was just his pal to talk to when he wanted someone to talk to, but I didn't really matter. He would never leave her...she is the breadwinner.

[Barby]

Thanks for the honest replies...I knew that there had to be some "OW" out there who weren't couldn't be in it really expecting him to leave his W.

 

Despite the fact that everyone knows that morally MM/OW relationships are wrong, they still happen and I couldn't believe that it would only be "well he has to leave his W/family, ect, ect.

 

 

I know this isn't a very important post but I still appreciate the honest responses!

 

 

BTW, Barby, you're cute like a button!

 

Thanks...hahahaha!

[mopar crazy]

1) did you begin your relationship with your MM knowing they were in another relationship?

 

I wasn't an OW to a MM but to a man in a CR. I did not know he was in a CR when we started our relationship. I found out from a mutual friend that he had a GF. I was young, and selfish and didn't care. She lived in a different city and occassionaly she would come back to see him. I remember going home one night and I seen him. He was driving right past my house. She was sitting right next to him and he waved. When I seen his GF w/ him reality hit, and I was so hurt, but I never ended it, I loved him too much. I was so naive.

She got pregnant w/ his baby and they got M. Their M lasted about a year.

 

2) did he tell you out-right that he planned to leave his wife (even if you asked him what his intentions were w/you & her)---or---was his leaving something brought up between the two of you later on throughout your relationship?

 

No, he never told me he was leaving his GF for me. I ended it w/ him when I left for college.

 

3) Or did it get to the point of you not being able to handle being the "OW" anymore and ask him to make a decision?

 

I never asked him to leave, I was the one that left

[luv_him_2_much]

Barby

 

May I rephrase your questions (all in good humor)

 

1. Did MM realize he was married when he started to pusue a relationship with the OW?

 

2. Did MM tell his wife he was planning to mess around, or was he saving that to bring up between the two of them later on over a glass of wine?

 

3. Did MM get to the point where he could not handle the "OW" being the "OW" and decide to leave his W?

_______________________________________________

Now to answer yours:

 

Yes the relationship began with me being well aware of the marital status, it wasn't something I planned on, it just happened.

 

We never spoke about him leaving or not leaving, we just have a great time when we are together.

 

I would never ask him to make a decision, he has to do that on his own. After getting caught by his wife shopping in Victorias Secret for a pair of thong underwear, and being stupid enough to tell her who they were for, maybe the wife will make the decision for him.....

 

Your questions were fair....just needed to make a point that MM needs to assume some responsibility for his actions too. OW couldn't become OW if MM "knew his role".

[Barby]

OW couldn't become OW if MM "knew his role".

 

VERY true! MM have an equal (sometimes way more) blame in the affair. In no way can one person be blamed for a two party affair...that wasn't what I was implying.

[LittleMiss]

1) did you begin your relationship with your MM knowing they were in another relationship?

 

Yes, we work together and I knew he was married and about his family.

 

2) did he tell you out-right that he planned to leave his wife (even if you asked him what his intentions were w/you & her)---or---was his leaving something brought up between the two of you later on throughout your relationship?

 

Well, at first he told me that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave, but we never really discussed our future until he actually did leave his wife and moved in with me.

 

3) Or did it get to the point of you not being able to handle being the "OW" anymore and ask him to make a decision?

 

I never asked him to choose. As soon as it got to the point where I couldn't handle not being his one and only I stopped contact. He did leave his wife and said he wanted to be with me. I made him happy and he was miserable at home except for being with his kids. We have been together for over a year now.

[newbby]

I think it is just way more complex than this.

The first time I was unaware of.

After that, yes, I knew he was married, but did not realise that he was happily married and planning to stay married for a long time. He lied and I wanted to believe him. The actions of a MM also back up the lies at first and in many ways, like taking very big risks.

The situation of being OW was very convenient for me, and I would not have wanted the pressure of him leaving his wife. So no I did not want him to leave his wife. Still, I also did not want him to be married. I did not want to be decietful, nor a bit on the side, yet I wanted to be with him, he made me happy. I also liked the part time aspect of it.

I did not want him to leave her for me and could never have asked such a thing of him, however the fact that he didnt made me feel rejected anyway!

There are many conflicting emotions going on in the minds of alot of OW. Many conflicting desires, also.

Things ended between us many times, either him or me. The final situation was a friendship in which he was still trying to lie to me so I would sleep with him, quite outrageously at that. I wanted a friendship, but did not want to ever continue the relationship, due to many things, feeling guilty, not wanting to be a mistress, but mainly because of the light of the knowledge I now dared face and accept, which was that the whole thing was a lie.