Is There Any Chance She Might Come Back?

[richdeniro]

Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband - they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

 

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

 

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

 

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

 

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

 

We met up for a drink just over a month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

 

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since - 45 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with 'You ok?' and I didn't reply and a couple of weeks ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as we had planned to go away on holiday but now I'm wondering what she's doing and who she is with as her ex-husband is away for two weeks with the kids.

 

I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. Was I just a fling/rebound from her marriage to her? My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does.

[ExpatInItaly]

I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. Was I just a fling/rebound from her marriage to her? My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does.

 

Yes, I believe that's precisely what happened here.

 

You were going into this looking for a relationship, while she just wanted something casual.

 

I would not respond to her if she gets in touch. There's no point, since she has stated a few times that she doesn't see a future with you. I know it's disappointing, but next time, don't date women who are recently separated - especially if they're still living under the same roof as their ex-husbands.

[preraph]

I'm afraid it's over for her. She lost that lovin' feelin'. I'm glad she was honest with you. You shouldn't try to be friends. It won't work. You care and it would just prolong you getting over her. I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't think it was just the age thing. I just think she didn't see being able to incorporate you into her life as a whole for whatever reason. Don't ever go begging for "the reason" because you'll always wish you hadn't.

 

On a positive note, if you are willing to date women in their late 30s and into their 40s, there are plenty to pick from. This is a very neglected age range for perfectly good women as long as you don't want your own kids. Good luck.

[richdeniro]

I do think in that final month before she ended things she did mess me around and probably saw me as a backup.

 

I guess it was the first 4 months that were amazing, I have never been showered with that much love, attention and affection before. I honest thought she truly loved me.

 

Even the final month when she was texting other guys she said she had never met anyone who cared for her as much as I did and she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also her best friend. I guess those could all just be words though.

 

I feel stupid that I sent her so many insecure messages about her being on whatsapp a lot and taking so long to reply to me. In a way I wonder if my neediness contributed to her losing what she once felt for me.

 

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was the name I saw with a few kisses. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete bigot with the stuff he posts.

 

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final messages to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was the name I saw with a few kisses. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete bigot with the stuff he posts.

 

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final messages to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

 

I would imagine she wants to be with someone she likes in all ways - physically, emotionally, the works. That's generally what people want in a partner. You being her boyfriend and best friend doesn't make a lot of sense, as it seems you were never officially her boyfriend.

 

I don't think she lost attraction within a couple weeks. As I understand, you two never made it to the relationship stage and she was often telling you she wanted someone older. She was attracted to you on some level, obviously, but not as a longer-term partner.

 

I know it's hard to let go, but she isn't the one for you.

[richdeniro]

Ugh I made the mistake of adding her number back into my phone last night.

 

Didn't message her but just saw that she was online on Whatsapp for most of the evening which in all likelihood means that she is seeing someone new. I did think she was as her ex husband and kids were away for two weeks earlier this month so I assume she used the freedom and time to get into something new. Plus obviously she hasn't reached out in the time since saying she wanted to take a break.

 

Has made me feel awful today. I won't be doing that again.

 

Feels like I'm back to square one again six weeks after she ended it with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it's time to really let go of this.

 

But I'm curious, why did you add her number back into your phone?

[richdeniro]

Yes, it's time to really let go of this.

 

But I'm curious, why did you add her number back into your phone?

 

I don't know, I'd had a few drinks, had no intention of messaging her. Guess to torture myself

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, I'd had a few drinks, had no intention of messaging her. Guess to torture myself

 

Well, at least now you know there's not much sense in that.

 

I think you need to find other things to occupy your time, my friend. Knowing that she was online most of the evening indicates you had far too much time on your hands last night.

[Lotsgoingon]

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break.

 

So the problem is right here ... in what you're mourning the loss of. This high period wasn't real ...

 

One of the most ironic and frustrating truths of relationships is that people are NOT meant to spend every night together for four or five months. Not at the start. That's just not "sustainable." And you don't know the person well enough. And to be that amount of time together, you're actually not getting to know each other ... You're riding the love hormone high ... you're not building a real relationship.

 

I'm amazed that you guys lasted as long as you did.

 

Basically the only way you guys could hang out like that ... was if you dropped separate lives ... Therefore you guys were way too close, way too soon ... and so really, you didn't have a real relationship--as in two separate individuals ... going through trial and error to figure out how best to support and compliment each other and occasionally conflict with each other! Conflict and negotiation of differences is a key part of a long-term relationship.

 

A fundamental part of a good relationship is being OK with the other person being away from us ... developing their own hobbies, meeting with their own friends, doing their own thing--separate from us! There is room for air when you allow separate time ... room for refueling ... room for appreciation of what you can get from your partner vs. what you can get from friends and work and the rest of life.

 

Analogy: you guys were like two drug addictions just getting high everyday together.

 

So what you're mourning isn't the loss of something that was even possible or real. You were in a fantasy world--jacked up by hormones--and now you came back down to earth.

 

One of my favorite writers about relationships has this phrase that goes something like as follows. When you find yourself immediately close and deeply in love with someone without really knowing them ... it's because your wounds are syncing up. The two people's childhood wounds and fantasies are being indulged ...

 

I get the pain brother from losing this ... and no, she's not coming back ... because there is nothing to come back to. The whole thing was a jacked-up fantasy ...

 

But here's what you can look forward to ... a relationship that doesn't require being together 7 days a week ... and texting all the time in between. A relationship in which you truly get to appreciate the DIFFERENCES between you and your partner and you choose to get together to build something great.

 

So what were the healthy activities and interests you weren't pursuing when you were transported to this dream world? Focus there.

Edited August 25, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[richdeniro]

Well despite doing so much better over the last few weeks and months, I did something I shouldn't have done out of curiosity and had a look at her Facebook page.

 

I saw a photo of her with another guy from a month or so ago, they are quite clearly a couple and it must be pretty serious as she had gone on holiday to the Caribbean with him along with her kids. I assume they would have got together fairly soon after we broke up as 4 months would be a fairly short amount of time to introduce a new partner to your children, let alone go on holiday with them I would have thought. I guess she likes to move quickly like she did with me.

 

Anyway I am still doing ok, guess I'm just a little sad about it. In a way it might help me get the closure I've needed as she's clearly moved on and isn't coming back. Seeing this a couple of months ago would have floored me but I don't feel too bad considering. Despite the sadness I even thought to myself upon seeing the photo 'I hope she is happy'.

[Giraffe-A]

Older women in general know what they want. This is a separated woman with kids who knows exactly what she wants for her and her kids going into the future. She may have thought you have some of your own. At this point, I feel its best to stay NC and remain NC. Don't focus on wanting this woman. Focus on what you want from your next relationship.