Girlfriend Lied about BC got pregnant and then went and had an abortion

[coolheadal]

See how this is getting out of hand everyone has the right to do whatever they want too when it's not their kid. Still I believe it's the woman right to choose to have it or keep the child. I still don't think she cheated on the OP. Where did everyone get that from. OP has to decide what to do with his 12 year unmarried relationship. Because these two are not married and should be 100% committed to each other.

[Whodatdog]

Did you read the OP? It screams of her getting pregnant by some other guy.

[Whodatdog]

Something else to be considered as to why she got an abortion so quickly, is that she may have already known she was pregnant when she pulled the "lets have sex with no condom" trick. The clock was ticking for her to able to legally get an abortion. I dont know what state they are in, but its likely that she didnt want him to change his mind and say it was okay. I wonder how long after they had that sex that she actually told him she was pregnant. The whole situation screams deception to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Something else to be considered as to why she got an abortion so quickly, is that she may have already known she was pregnant when she pulled the "lets have sex with no condom" trick. The clock was ticking for her to able to legally get an abortion. I dont know what state they are in, but its likely that she didnt want him to change his mind and say it was okay. I wonder how long after they had that sex that she actually told him she was pregnant. The whole situation screams deception to me.

 

That would be my guess, too.

[stillafool]

See how this is getting out of hand everyone has the right to do whatever they want too when it's not their kid. Still I believe it's the woman right to choose to have it or keep the child. I still don't think she cheated on the OP. Where did everyone get that from. OP has to decide what to do with his 12 year unmarried relationship. Because these two are not married and should be 100% committed to each other.

 

I swear I'm not seeing it either. Could someone tell us which post # here said she cheated?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Something else to be considered as to why she got an abortion so quickly, is that she may have already known she was pregnant when she pulled the "lets have sex with no condom" trick. The clock was ticking for her to able to legally get an abortion. I dont know what state they are in, but its likely that she didnt want him to change his mind and say it was okay. I wonder how long after they had that sex that she actually told him she was pregnant. The whole situation screams deception to me.

 

Oh, totally! I think she got pregnant and then tried to think of a way to "get out of it." I'd go so far as to say the baby daddy is black, unlike OP. If I were OP, I'd have her produce the medical records dating the pregnancy before the termination.

[Whodatdog]

I swear I'm not seeing it either. Could someone tell us which post # here said she cheated?

 

The fact that they had a 12 year relationship with birth control, and the ONE time she decided not to use a condom...she got pregnant. And how she quickly got an abortion, when they are in a 12 year relationship, without even telling her boyfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

I swear I'm not seeing it either. Could someone tell us which post # here said she cheated?

 

OP never said she cheated.

 

It's speculation from others as to why she is behaving so strangely.

[Poutrew]

See how this is getting out of hand everyone has the right to do whatever they want too when it's not their kid. Still I believe it's the woman right to choose to have it or keep the child. I still don't think she cheated on the OP. Where did everyone get that from. OP has to decide what to do with his 12 year unmarried relationship. Because these two are not married and should be 100% committed to each other.

 

You really believe it's her right? Maybe according to the law, but she is in a 12 year committed relationship, and to not say anything to her bf... So, you 'd be totally OK with your wife springing something like this on you: You are at a fancy Italian restaurant with your baby doll, and just before sampling the Frittata and whilst delicately sipping the red wine, she says, "Oh Cool, I almost forgot to tell you. I had an abortion last Saturday. You were too busy with your friends watching the ball game, so I didn't tell you... I just slipped out right after halftime and had it done... I was back home for dinner. Oh, isn't the Frittata so delicious tonight?"

 

Now, it is OPs girlfriends' right to do it that way, but how... cold and inhuman... unless, of course, she was trying to cover up something much worse, like a romp in the sack with Mr. Goodbar that got out of hand.

[bathtub-row]

While I’m always the first to say that the woman should have ultimate control over her body, when in a committed relationship, it’s just plain unethical not to at least talk to her partner about it. I simply could not overlook what she did. She actually made the decision to end the life of your child without even discussing it with you. That’s a total dealbreaker. On top of that, she has now caused you to question her fidelity to you because it’s highly likely she got pregnant by someone else.

 

She single-handedly destroyed your trust on several levels in one quick move.

[coolheadal]

You really believe it's her right? Maybe according to the law, but she is in a 12 year committed relationship, and to not say anything to her bf... So, you 'd be totally OK with your wife springing something like this on you: You are at a fancy Italian restaurant with your baby doll, and just before sampling the Frittata and whilst delicately sipping the red wine, she says, "Oh Cool, I almost forgot to tell you. I had an abortion last Saturday. You were too busy with your friends watching the ball game, so I didn't tell you... I just slipped out right after halftime and had it done... I was back home for dinner. Oh, isn't the Frittata so delicious tonight?"

 

Now, it is OPs girlfriends' right to do it that way, but how... cold and inhuman... unless, of course, she was trying to cover up something much worse, like a romp in the sack with Mr. Goodbar that got out of hand.

 

I got to hand it too you put me in a situation to answer you on this one. First I am not into watching some lame game on TV where I should be attending my GF who I known for 12 years in this scenario. If she was carrying my child inside her belly then I would be happy in the world and won't have told her for 12 years we need to save up first. This is where the OP and his 12 years of being together got the idea to give up the baby because he would have been upset with the fact where is the money going to come from to raise our kid and we just don't have it right now. So she took it upon herself to get rid of the unborn child. Now this would have never happen to me. First I would never been in such a long relationship this way would have been married before the first 6 year.

 

All my women I've been with knew how I felt about having kids no one would be killing any unborn child on my watch. This would have never happy to me and you think you so clever to put me in this scenario, just because I said the GF in this situation with the OP has the right too choose to have the child or not. We all wasn't there when she made up her mind to this. OP didn't use the condom, so even if he got it into her head they couldn't raise a kid yet. She did the only thing she knew what to do.

 

Oh-by-the way you shouldn't have put me into this scenario because I have to defend myself of what I would have done or say. Because like I said this would never have gone down this way, because I don't care about money what I care about is having kids and having a happy life with the woman I am with than to go through this scenario that the OP created and his GF did what she thought at the time was the right way to solve it. Don't put me in this again we are here to advise not live their lives for them.

Edited August 20, 2018 by coolheadal

[coolheadal]

Oh, totally! I think she got pregnant and then tried to think of a way to "get out of it." I'd go so far as to say the baby daddy is black, unlike OP. If I were OP, I'd have her produce the medical records dating the pregnancy before the termination.

 

I don't mean to but in but where to you get the idea she cheated on the OP. Then you say the baby would be black because she was with another black guy where the OP would be white and thus it wouldn't be his kid. How do you know what color the baby would be? Mix races the baby could be any color as the gene inside the black woman can bear a white baby did you know that? Only black women can do this. So again race doesn't matter here.

[PinkPampies]

It just doesn’t add up:

 

You would think she’d want your support during an abortion, or at least discuss it with you since it was your child.

 

The bit about asking to have unprotected sex and bam she’s pregnant and then gets an abortion without you knowing anything about it just doesn’t sit well with me. And not taking the morning after pill. Sounds like she was already pregnant.

 

How soon after sex did she have the abortion? You could get your answer if you find out she was pregnant when she asked for unprotected sex... were there any changes in her you noticed? Going to bathroom a lot, larger breasts, nausea...

 

If you think like cops do... there ARE no coincidences. I would do some digging if I were you.

[MountainGirl111]

I do still love her a lot, you can't wipe away 12 years worth of feelings and emotions that easily. But my trust feels very much so broken. She has never lied or been dishonest with me before so I am unsure why she decided to do so here instead of talking with me like we normally have always done. I never really thought of the Plan B mixing with the BC until just now, I suppose I should have caught onto that as well. I brought up race just to illustrate we have overcome a lot this relationship hasn't always been the easiest our families have always been supportive but people on the outside have been less than so.

 

I don't mean to put further doubts in your mind about her, but t o you knowledge she has not lied to you before or been dishonest. Anyhow, this particular lie and lack of transparency is not a little matter, but a pretty significant matter. She lied about the birth control and she had an abortion without talking to you first. Those are whoppers. At the least you need to take a look at communication in your relationship and if you were to get married, when things come up that need to be talked about, how is the communication going to go then? Why didn't she feel free to talk to you about an abortion? Seems very odd to me that she would do that after being together 12 years, being in her late 20's and planning to get married to you...

Edited August 20, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MusingsofaDude]

She got an abortion about three or so months after the sex that she got pregnant from. I seriously doubt she cheated thinking she did or even close to it really makes me feel rather depressed. I seriously don't see how I created this situation or how I did anything wrong here. I was planning on proposing to her on our Aniversary in a few months. We both have tomorrow off and I was planning on going and seeing here tomorrow and attempting to possibly work through this. She hasn't ever stepped out on me or even flirted with other dudes I just don't think she cheated but I suppose it is possible.

[MountainGirl111]

Sorry, Dude, I didn't mean to plant a doubt in your mind that she cheated. I hope she didn't...I know how much that would hurt.

 

Anyways, about getting the abortion without your knowledge. Yes, absolutely that hurts! My gosh. I wonder if some women do not realize how men feel about knowing they have an unborn baby on the way. Not saying this is the case for all dads, but many many dads are really excited about becoming dads! As a woman, I would never hide something like that from the father of my baby. It would be like a cruel betrayal to me. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[bathtub-row]

It all hurts but still you’ve been put in the position of having to deal with it and think about it. Perhaps she didn’t cheat but don’t kid yourself that she couldn’t have. Most people who have been cheated on are quite shocked by it. Hopefully, that didn’t happen because her having the abortion was bad enough.

 

It’s understandable that you want to work things out but please don’t ignore your initial gut reaction to this incident. She needs to prove to you that she can be trusted again. As the saying goes, it takes years to build trust, but only one moment to destroy it.

[MountainGirl111]

She got an abortion about three or so months after the sex that she got pregnant from. I seriously doubt she cheated thinking she did or even close to it really makes me feel rather depressed. I seriously don't see how I created this situation or how I did anything wrong here. I was planning on proposing to her on our Aniversary in a few months. We both have tomorrow off and I was planning on going and seeing here tomorrow and attempting to possibly work through this. She hasn't ever stepped out on me or even flirted with other dudes I just don't think she cheated but I suppose it is possible.

 

I don’t think you did anything wrong...

[MidwestUSA]

See how this is getting out of hand everyone has the right to do whatever they want too when it's not their kid. Still I believe it's the woman right to choose to have it or keep the child. I still don't think she cheated on the OP. Where did everyone get that from. OP has to decide what to do with his 12 year unmarried relationship. Because these two are not married and should be 100% committed to each other.

 

 

Being unmarried doesn't necessarily mean less than 100% commitment. A lot of people don't even believe in marriage. And it sounds like they were on the same page about a timeline for school, careers, marriage. Do you think them marrying now is going to instantly restore his trust in her?

 

Where'd we get the idea about cheating? It's the most logical explanation for the abortion - she knew the kid wasn't his.

 

Suppose the OP got a vasectomy without informing his girlfriend, then, as Poutrew put it, just casually drops it on her over dinner. 'Oh, by the way, I got snipped last Friday. Pass the potato salad please'.

 

Is that acceptable?

 

 

Can you explain the bolded? I'm not quite following. I have the right to do whatever I want when it's 'not my kid'?

[MidwestUSA]

It just doesn’t add up:

 

You would think she’d want your support during an abortion, or at least discuss it with you since it was your child.

 

The bit about asking to have unprotected sex and bam she’s pregnant and then gets an abortion without you knowing anything about it just doesn’t sit well with me. And not taking the morning after pill. Sounds like she was already pregnant.

 

How soon after sex did she have the abortion? You could get your answer if you find out she was pregnant when she asked for unprotected sex... were there any changes in her you noticed? Going to bathroom a lot, larger breasts, nausea...

 

If you think like cops do... there ARE no coincidences. I would do some digging if I were you.

 

 

^^This

 

ONE time, she specifically asks for bareback. And also mentions the morning after pill, even though she's allegedly already on BC. She wanted him to believe she might need it, even tho she knew she was too far along for it.

 

She was already pregnant, and wanted OP to believe it was his.

 

I don't know the stats on getting pregnant from a one and only unprotected encounter, but if it was that easy, I'd have gotten knocked up at 17. And 21. Maybe 25. Or at 41 (shudder ).

[anika99]

^^This

 

ONE time, she specifically asks for bareback. And also mentions the morning after pill, even though she's allegedly already on BC. She wanted him to believe she might need it, even tho she knew she was too far along for it.

 

She was already pregnant, and wanted OP to believe it was his.

 

I don't know the stats on getting pregnant from a one and only unprotected encounter, but if it was that easy, I'd have gotten knocked up at 17. And 21. Maybe 25. Or at 41 (shudder ).

 

Well technically a woman always gets pregnant from just one encounter. If a woman has sex just once and it's the day she's ovulating chances are high that she will become pregnant. Or she could have sex 15 times in a month and not become pregnant because she was not ovulating during any of those encounters.

 

OP was does your gf say about her reason for getting the abortion? I think she just didn't want to have a baby. Maybe she was confused and she was alternating between happiness and dread and in the end dread won out and she decided that she just couldn't go through with it.

 

Not discussing it with you first is a huge problem. So wrong on so many levels. I don't know how you could ever trust her again.

[Desesperado]

Some people's thinking really frighten me here, so then as a man I get a vasectomy in my partner's back while we try having kids and she should be okay and forgive me about lying on such major life detail and wasting the relationship for being selfish and not communicating !?

 

It takes 2 human beings to create life, of course legally the woman bears it so she has the rights to it. But what a fantastic egalitarian society some of you think you have, saying basically after dad had ejaculated, the woman doesn't need any courtesy of talking the situation out.

The man just needs to sit and accept powerless what the woman will do with his child, so then not to rub dad the wrong way, lying is acceptable !?

 

This after 12 years, honestly OP I'd wonder if you just didn't see her true character but now, you think she didn't lie to you before, doesn't mean she didn't do it and was just great at hiding the lies.

Whatever the reality is, you both want children so such a lie after 12 years together and 3 months before getting the termination, to me would be unforgivable, she had absolutely the time and moral obligation to talk to you about it, no reason ever that she explains I think can excuse what she did.

So can you now trust such person to be honest with you within a mariage, I wouldn't put all my eggs in this basket so to speak...

Edited August 20, 2018 by Desesperado

[MidwestUSA]

Well technically a woman always gets pregnant from just one encounter.

 

Technically, yes, you got me there!

 

But I think you get what I was saying about the odds. If fact, if she was ovulating, and it drove her to 'take me bareback, leave your boys inside me', you'd think the result would have pleased her.

 

My spidey senses are still tingling.

 

I'm so sorry you're going thru this, OP.

[ExpatInItaly]

Some people's thinking really frighten me here, so then as a man I get a vasectomy in my partner's back while we try having kids and she should be okay and forgive me about lying on such major life detail and wasting the relationship for being selfish and not communicating !?

 

It takes 2 human beings to create life, of course legally the woman bears it so she has the rights to it. But what a fantastic egalitarian society some of you think you have, saying basically after dad had ejaculated, the woman doesn't need any courtesy of talking the situation out.

The man just needs to sit and accept powerless what the woman will do with his child, so then not to rub dad the wrong way, lying is acceptable !?

 

I agree, but to be fair, it's mostly just one or two posters espousing this view.

 

I think the way OP's girlfriend handled this was awful, and it leaves a lot of room for doubt about what's really going on with her.

 

OP, did you ever see confirmation of the pregnancy from her doctor?

[Desesperado]

I agree, but to be fair, it's mostly just one or two posters espousing this view.

 

I think the way OP's girlfriend handled this was awful, and it leaves a lot of room for doubt about what's really going on with her.

 

OP, did you ever see confirmation of the pregnancy from her doctor?

 

Yeah Fortunately there are reasonable people left !

 

These situations of forced abortions or forced parenthood on men is exactly why, I advise all my male friends to solely take BC into their hands, then you'll never end up in such situations like in this topic, you can only trust yourself 100%.