MusingsofaDude Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Hello all, I am new here and in need of some advice on my relationship. My girlfriend and I are both 28 she is black and I am white we have been together for 12 years yep since high school just beating the odds. Well, we both are settled in and have our careers going and finally just moved in together. Anyways we have both always wanted kids but we were waiting until after we got married which we have been saving money for the wedding and so we have been practicing a lot of safe sex BC condoms the whole nine yards. Well, a while ago she told me she wanted to have sex without the condom and not to worry cause she would just use the morning after pill plus she was still on her BC as well. So I said what the hell, anyways a little bit after that she told me she was pregnant and it was a shock I am not going to lie with how careful we have been. Well, she confessed she didn't use the morning after pill and she had stopped taking her BC. So I was naturally quite angry. But that subsided and I was honestly really excited about becoming a father. But then she drops the bombshell that she had gone and gotten an abortion without even freaking talking to me. Because she didn't want me to be angry at her or be resentful of this child. I am not going to lie this was an incredibly hurtful betrayal of trust to me and I just didn't know what else to do so I broke up with her or at the very least put things on hold and I have been staying with a friend for a few days. She has been heartbroken and in tears and begging me to come back but I don't know if I can, The lies coupled with killing our child just it has broken my heart and I don't know how to cope or move past this. I mean I still love her more than anything in the world I just do not know what to do.
basil67 Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 I'm sorry you're in all this mess. I guess the road to recovery - if you really want to fix it - will come from understanding her motives. She needs to be honest about what she was thinking at the time and you need to decide if you can understand and accept her rationale. If you're going to have the conversation make sure to have it without anger or blame - because anger and blame will only cause her to shut down. Some questions to consider: Did she have the abortion while you were still angry...or after you'd become excited about the prospect of being a father? While you were angry, did you tell her that you don't want the child and don't want to be a father? What was going through her mind when she was lying to you about being on contraception? Why would she tell you that she'd take Plan B while also using birth control? That combination of hormones would make her really ill. It sounds like she's fairly ignorant about contraception. Good luck. You're going to need it.
Purrrfect Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Her actions were strange. Having an abortion after dating for so long is of esp since she didn’t even talk to you about it. The morning after pill is not BC. Either continue to use condoms it be prepared for a child. I’m sorry you are going through this. I think you both need to decide if you want to have a child and what happens if an “ oops” happens. She shouldn’t have gone off BC and not told you. I hope you 2 work it out.
coolheadal Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 (edited) Hello all, I am new here and in need of some advice on my relationship. My girlfriend and I are both 28 she is black and I am white we have been together for 12 years yep since high school just beating the odds. Well, we both are settled in and have our careers going and finally just moved in together. Anyways we have both always wanted kids but we were waiting until after we got married which we have been saving money for the wedding and so we have been practicing a lot of safe sex BC condoms the whole nine yards. Well, a while ago she told me she wanted to have sex without the condom and not to worry cause she would just use the morning after pill plus she was still on her BC as well. So I said what the hell, anyways a little bit after that she told me she was pregnant and it was a shock I am not going to lie with how careful we have been. Well, she confessed she didn't use the morning after pill and she had stopped taking her BC. So I was naturally quite angry. But that subsided and I was honestly really excited about becoming a father. But then she drops the bombshell that she had gone and gotten an abortion without even freaking talking to me. Because she didn't want me to be angry at her or be resentful of this child. I am not going to lie this was an incredibly hurtful betrayal of trust to me and I just didn't know what else to do so I broke up with her or at the very least put things on hold and I have been staying with a friend for a few days. She has been heartbroken and in tears and begging me to come back but I don't know if I can, The lies coupled with killing our child just it has broken my heart and I don't know how to cope or move past this. I mean I still love her more than anything in the world I just do not know what to do. My question to you is? To you is do you still love this woman? What she did wasn't good but still she did it for you. Just maybe in her eyes and mind she felt you didn't want to have the burden of raising a child yet. She as a mom to be has the right to do with ever she thinks fit you have no say in the matter. What you have mentioned about saving up to get married and etc. You weren't ready to be a father of the child. You choose not to use condoms when having sex. I see you still love her and you should be and go pull in that stubborn ego and get bring in back your future wife. She made huge mistake you have taken it out on her for nothing. You can always have more kids with her. Don't make it worst than it has to be. Raising a baby today cost a lot more money than you think. In a sense she did the right thing. You just need to be man effort to understand what she did was for the both of you! Not her and not you only you both. PS Why mention the race of you two, that doesn't matter today, no one cares what color you both are. What matters the most today that you two are truly in love with each other so deeply. Remember this is not the 60's this is 2018.. Race doesn't matter life and love matters! Edited August 19, 2018 by coolheadal 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 There is a serious lack of transparency here. You are right to put things on hold, because your trust has been severely compromised. It doesn't make sense to take Plan B while on birth control, if she's taking it correctly, so I don't understand her logic there. Why did she decide to go off it without telling you? That is a significant red flag. This was a woman who was trying to get pregnant by lying to you. I also find it very concerning that she went ahead and had an abortion without even telling you. If you two are planning to marry, these are the kinds of situations you generally don't hide from your life partner. The whole situation is extremely strange, if she's never been known to be a dishonest or avoidant person. In my opinion, you need to do a little more digging to understand what is really going on with her.
Versacehottie Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Sounds like you are just an accessory in this relationship. I'd be out. Sorry you are going through all of this & good luck 1
Author MusingsofaDude Posted August 19, 2018 Author Posted August 19, 2018 I do still love her a lot, you can't wipe away 12 years worth of feelings and emotions that easily. But my trust feels very much so broken. She has never lied or been dishonest with me before so I am unsure why she decided to do so here instead of talking with me like we normally have always done. I never really thought of the Plan B mixing with the BC until just now, I suppose I should have caught onto that as well. I brought up race just to illustrate we have overcome a lot this relationship hasn't always been the easiest our families have always been supportive but people on the outside have been less than so.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 I do still love her a lot, you can't wipe away 12 years worth of feelings and emotions that easily. But my trust feels very much so broken. She has never lied or been dishonest with me before so I am unsure why she decided to do so here instead of talking with me like we normally have always done. I never really thought of the Plan B mixing with the BC until just now, I suppose I should have caught onto that as well. I brought up race just to illustrate we have overcome a lot this relationship hasn't always been the easiest our families have always been supportive but people on the outside have been less than so. If this is out of character for her, I would be worried that there is more going on with her than you realize.
Lorenza Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Could it be that this is just a cover-up story for her cheating and getting pregnant by some other man? 5
Noproblem Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Why did you mention the race in this? I don't get it? Also, what do you expect her to do, she has known you for 12 years and you still haven't popped the question to marry her. She thought she will be pregnant and you will happy and ask her to get married instead you got angry! So she did the best thing she could do at that moment, get an abortion. It seems to me you are not serious about her, why the hell would you wait 12 years and then leave her! Also, why would you be angry at her for getting pregnant and why would you get angry now for losing the baby! She is in a bad situation right now and now you left her in that bad place alone! Really! Is this how you treat the one you knew for 12 years. You can have another kid any time you want, also, the morning after pill is kinda similar to abortion but less gruesome. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 (edited) Also, why would you be angry at her for getting pregnantBecause she lied about being on birth control, that's why. She is in a bad situation right now and now you left her in that bad place alone!She shares none of the responsibility for lying about being on contraception and then secretly aborting the baby? Interesting. Really! Is this how you treat the one you knew for 12 years. You can have another kid any time you want, also, the morning after pill is the similar to abortion but less gruesome.You need to get more informed about the morning after pill. Evidently, you don't quite understand how it works. It is not similar to an abortion. Edited August 19, 2018 by ExpatInItaly 2
Lorenza Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 also, the morning after pill is kinda similar to abortion but less gruesome. Ugh, no. What morning after pill does is prevents either the egg from getting fertilized or a fertilized egg from attaching to the uterus. There is also an abortion pill for early pregnancies that stops the hormones needed for the fetus to grow. And there is surgical abortion. Btw OP, do you know for sure that your gf was pregnant? Have you seen a pregnancy test, medical bills or anything that proves it? How many weeks was she pregnant when she did the abortion? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Could it be that this is just a cover-up story for her cheating and getting pregnant by some other man? Unfortunately, I was wondering the same thing.
coolheadal Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 I do still love her a lot, you can't wipe away 12 years worth of feelings and emotions that easily. But my trust feels very much so broken. She has never lied or been dishonest with me before so I am unsure why she decided to do so here instead of talking with me like we normally have always done. I never really thought of the Plan B mixing with the BC until just now, I suppose I should have caught onto that as well. I brought up race just to illustrate we have overcome a lot this relationship hasn't always been the easiest our families have always been supportive but people on the outside have been less than so. That was your kid insider her that she got rid of correct? I see some here had mention she had cheated on you? I didn't read that from your first post. Race doesn't matter today if it did why did you bother you to go out with her. 12 years together that's a long time. If you love her like you say then standby her and stop crying and being weak over this. It's her body her decision to make. I known pro-life people here would say otherwise but GOD made us to have the right choices no one should tell a woman to have or not to have a child and no man should be judge-mental over her either. You love her you can forgive her. If can't then tell her to go as you already did, but don't bother to speak of her after this. She did what she did. Not like you both can't have kids again in agreement next time. 1
stillafool Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 I didn't see where she cheated either but, OP I think when you got angry about the pregnancy she just decided to abort. More than likely she wasn't ready to become a mother yet. I don't know how old you are but you did say you both have started your careers and are saving for your wedding so perhaps this was not the right time for her to start motherhood and she aborted. If you feel this is not something you can get past then let her go. I've seen many relationships break up after an abortion because the loss of a child is not easy no matter what stage it's at. I'm sure you'll find love again. 1
smackie9 Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Could it be that this is just a cover-up story for her cheating and getting pregnant by some other man? This^^^^^ this is exactly what I suspect. If the request is out of character and out of the blue, then the story gets weird...she's hiding a different mistake...an affair. I bet money on it, it's a coworker. 1
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 It seems to me that you both need to educate yourself on birth control. You also have a lot to work on to develop better communication, learn some conflict resolution skills, and rebuild trust if you hope to stay together long term. I would not be considering marriage with this woman until you have worked out these issues... you need to be on the same page related to issues that are important in a marriage - communication, conflict resolution, financial and sexual compatibility, family planning, and the list goes on... And yes, I too wonder if she was cheating and got pregnant. Her response is beyond what would be considered reasonable...
smackie9 Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 It not like you two are in high school, you both are adults with careers, so there wouldn't be a strain on anything, you both are prepared now. And where you are both at in your relationship, an abortion is out of character. You are in love, planning to get married etc.....it doesn't fit at all.
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 It not like you two are in high school, you both are adults with careers, so there wouldn't be a strain on anything, you both are prepared now. And where you are both at in your relationship, an abortion is out of character. You are in love, planning to get married etc.....it doesn't fit at all. Nope. And she clearly withheld the truth until after she had the abortion. Which tells you, she had made her decision and she did not want your opinion/for you to influence the outcome. When you are in a stable, long term relationship and you are considering marriage, as you said... you decided the pregnancy would be ok, perhaps not the ideal “order” you would have preferred... but, you could have made it work just fine. It’s strange why she didn’t think/feel the same way... You need to do some more digging to find it why... did she not want to be a mother, why did she feel that she could not even have the conversation wth you, or was she cheating?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Could it be that this is just a cover-up story for her cheating and getting pregnant by some other man? Sad to see, I think this is most likely the case. She's quite deceptive.
Noproblem Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 I mean from the religious or moral standpoint, it is still similar to the idea of abortion.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 I mean from the religious or moral standpoint, it is still similar to the idea of abortion. Clearly, OP and his girlfriend do not share your opinion, or she likely wouldn't have been using any contraceptive at all - and she sure wouldn't have gone through with an abortion is she was opposed for religious or moral reasons.
Poutrew Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 This is a most serious problem - it would even break up some marriages. On the one hand, she aborted your kid. She treated your offspring the same way she would treat a rape. On the other hand, she aborted someone else's kid, and is trying to cover it up... bad, all the way around.
Whodatdog Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Could it be that this is just a cover-up story for her cheating and getting pregnant by some other man? Bingo. My first thought too.
Recommended Posts