My anorexic ex has moved on but I still feel so guilty

[kalel_33]

Hello there,

 

Recently because of unstable mood lately I have been lurking on this website looking for answers to complex questions of my relationship. We broke up months ago but the romance that we shared still haunts me. No matter how much I try to forget, those thoughts I have of us still visits me.

 

This may in fact be a very long post, so brace yourselves.

 

So I met this girl whilst I was out with the boys. You know how it is. Sometimes you hang out with friends, dancing, drinking then all of the sudden your eyes meet another girls eyes and that feeling hits you in the tummy. Men know all too well that feeling of the butterfly within his stomach. So we dance a bit and exchange numbers. Who would think that you can meet the someone that would have such an impact on your life, in a bar? of all places. If someone had prophesied this to me I would have told them their were liars.

 

Anyway we began texting and calling each other and our romance began to grow. As someone who has had a nightmare with a previous relationship before, i thought to myself this was just Karma giving me the relationship I deserved. She was perfect. Everything I could ask for in a lover and we didn't even have sex yet. There was no words to express how intelligent she was, how caring, how loving. I should have known because it was too good to be true. I have initial worries about our age different because I am nearly a decade older, but things seemed very good.

 

So after a while I had to travel for a month to another country on a business trip and I tell her that when I come back I would love to continue this relationship. So I travel many miles away to a foreign land on business. We chat the whole time messaging each other. I think we must have texted almost everyday. Well the business trip lasted a whole month with me becoming more and more anxious to meet my lady. When you have these feelings days feel like months. Finally the business trip is over and I can get back to my lady. Spent another many hours on the plane I can't wait to be home.

 

The next day I call her to arrange a meeting. I bought her a present and can't wait to give it to her. I am waiting nervously at this cafe to see her. About 10 mins later she arrives at the venue, however something is wrong. She has lost some much weight. I mean so bad I can see her skeleton bones on her shoulder. It is funny how you can often overlook certain traits when you have feelings for someone. Obvious signals of problems can seem like no big deal. We hug and kiss, talk a bunch about what happened since I was away etc. After catching up we part ways but keep contact on the phone. I do mention to her that I am concerned about her physical state and that I think she should try and stop the weight loss. Also I politely as her to stop seeing the crazy dietitian because there is nothing else to lose.. I mean I was only gone a month, how can you drop weight that quickly? (Looking back I should have not said this)

 

So we continue the relationship and things just seem like a dream. It was like Vanilla Skies and the sex was very good. I felt like I won the lottery. We were both happy nothing was wrong. I become Mr Romance, sending flowers and candy. I even began to walk differently. More confident because I had the girl of my dreams. One time she came over to mine and we went out and had an excellent time. However after the lovely date she starts behaving in a very strange way. She keeps going to the bathroom. Constantly. (I should have clocked on to this also because I consider myself a fairly astute guy but I had rosy colored glasses on)

 

It all began to fall apart about a few months later. She writes me how happy she is that things are going well and that she tells me one her dark secrets from her past. How she once indulged in a form of self bodily harm through a form of cutting. She claims at the time she was a teenager and that it was only once (again another red flag that my rosy colored glasses should have picked up). As usual I tell her that it was in the past and this is today. We are together and we can both fix anything.

 

After about a week or so later she tells me that she wants to come over. So I meet her at my place, and everything is still cool, that was until we had to go to sleep. I try to touch her getting ready for the usual deed and she freaks out. I calm her down and ask her what is wrong. She tells me she has been seeing a psychologist about some issues she was having. I manage to calm her down and put her to sleep. The next morning I make us breakfast but she seems out of sort and wanted to go home quickly. I get drive her home and assure her that nothing about this changes how i feel about her.

 

The next day I call her and reassure her that I am there for her and whatever problems she is facing is not impossible and that we can over them together. I offer to take time off work and go with her to her counseling sessions and whatever she needs I will support her. So we both agree to go together to and she offers to go with me on a certain date. So that date comes and I leave the office early because I am planning to go with her. I call her phone she doesn’t answer. Then I send a message to which she replies that she was in the shower and just came out. She tells me that she will be on her way to the therapist. So I ask her where to go so i can meet her. She behaves as if I have no idea what I am talking about and that she prefer to go alone. So I happily oblige.

 

Things begin to go from bad to worse from this point. Petty arguments become bigger and bigger and the girl that I saw, so many ago, is hardly recognizable both in physical and mental form. We can't have sex because she hates the idea and feels anxiety about the whole thing. Things get so bad that I consider leaving the relationship all together but I think to myself things will get better. Except there is that part of my brain saying you can get leave this relationship before it goes south. Except you are going to be the jerk that leaves a girl when she is in critical condition and needs your help. So I decide to stay and try and work things out. But the arguments get worse to the point that I am beginning to not recognize myself. Her mood changes from hot to cold. She is always too busy to meet. I am constantly apologizing for things I didn’t do wrong just so that I can stay with her. I just can't get anything right. I feel like I am walking on a string and my relationship is on the edge of a pin. One slight move the wrong way and it is all over.

 

Well the final nail in the coffin came mid December just before Christmas. My then GF collapses and has to go to the hospital. I get the message from her and rush down stairs like a bat out of hell. The office staff must have thought I lost my mind. Just before I start the ignition i get a call from her saying she is ok and that the doctors have diagnosed her with anorexia. I feel horrible and offer to come see her after work but she declines and tells me she will call me at night. When I get home I call one of her relatives and seek advice on how I can help her because I am really worried. The relative informs me of some shocking news. Not only is one of her parents in hospital over a serious illness but she herself has issues and that there is little I can do except support her anyway that I can. Her problems stem from things that happened in her teen years and that they thought I should break up with her and try and remain friends instead. How absurd and idea, I thought to myself. You want me to break her heart? No way, I thought to myself we will fight this thing.

 

The next day I call to see how she is and she tells me she is with one of her relatives in the hospital. I tell her I know about everything and that I am staying to fight beside her in regards to her issue and that I was aware of the illness of one of her parents because I spoke to one of her relatives the day before. Nothing was going to tear me away. This was the final nail in the coffin and if I had known it was going to end this way, I would have kept my mouth shut. She literally flips out. I mean she goes crazy. I am sure at this point had I been in from of her she would have hit me. It get so bad she hangs up. In 10 mins I receive a message informing me that our relationship is over. I call back trying to patch things up but she is not accepting any kind of apology. I may as well go and jump off a bridge, for all she cares. I think let me give her space and call her later. So I call her later after everything has calmed down and try to plead with her not to act rash and that I had her best interest at heart. She tells me she is still mad and that the best I can hope for is friendship right now and that she can’t be in a relationship right now. Devastated doesn’t even begin to cover how i feel. I felt like the world around me was crashing around me.

 

I decide to give her some space and didn’t contact her for a while until new years eve where I sent her and her relatives a new years message. I received replies from all of them even her. And she asked if we can remain friends to which I wrote a lengthy email explaining why I can’t be her friend because of the feeling. So we don’t speak for a few months and at this point I got very good at staring at walls for hours on end. I don’t hear anything until a 2 months later where she contacts a relative of mine and she impresses upon them that therapy was great and that she still wants a friendship with me. I was going to call and accept the offer with the hopes that I can resurrect our relationship, but on the advice of a certain friend of mine she tells the fact that she is doing this is very suspicious and that I should stay put and not respond. She hardly knows this particular relative and how of the blue she sends a message after a long time.

 

So at this point she removes me of instagram and facebook. I didn’t like it but I accepted it. I decide to stay put but about a month later a friend informs be she has a new love and has plastered photos of them all over social media. I didn’t need this at this point. I was at the point of forgetting about her (or so i thought) and this guy tells me this, at this point. I felt really bad, I mean I felt a mix of emotions and I began to feel guilty about the situation. I can only imagine how things would have turned out if I took the “lets remain friends option. I began blaming myself for what happened. If only I did this, If only I did that, If only I didn’t do that. My brain began to run in a needless circle. I constantly review old messages and texts trying to find out where i failed.

 

I still feel horrible and guilty and I not sure why. I didn’t do anything wrong (at least I think I didn't) but try to love her the best I can. She broke our relationship like it meant nothing and moved on without a second thought. Why do I feel so guilty?

 

I apologize for the long text. I even feel horrible expressing my problems on a website.

 

Thanks for any help on the matter...

Edited August 18, 2018 by kalel_33

[kalel_33]

*bump* *bump*

[amaysngrace]

You probably remind her of a bad time in her life.

 

She wasn't well when she got with you. I don't know if she's better now or not but you know all her dark secrets and she's probably deeply embarrassed not to mention how being with you could trigger her.

 

If you care about her you'll let her go.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, she's the one with issues, so don't keep beating yourself up.

[kalel_33]

You probably remind her of a bad time in her life.

 

She wasn't well when she got with you. I don't know if she's better now or not but you know all her dark secrets and she's probably deeply embarrassed not to mention how being with you could trigger her.

 

If you care about her you'll let her go.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, she's the one with issues, so don't keep beating yourself up.

i believe she is much better and even has a new boyfriend...

[amaysngrace]

i believe she is much better and even has a new boyfriend...

 

That's good then if she's better although I doubt it. Eating disorders usually take a long time to get over.

 

I know she has a new boyfriend because you already said that.

[marky00]

You probably remind her of a bad time in her life.

 

She wasn't well when she got with you. I don't know if she's better now or not but you know all her dark secrets and she's probably deeply embarrassed not to mention how being with you could trigger her.

 

If you care about her you'll let her go.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, she's the one with issues, so don't keep beating yourself up.

 

Yeah, I think that is it.

 

This is why dating people with issues is dangerous. It's usually amazing but always ends in an awful fashion.

 

The theory is that since she doesn't value herself right now but you value her, her logic is then you cannot be of value. In her mind, that means you must be even less valuable than her. Does that make sense? Yes, its flawed thinking but that is just how God made our brains

 

Engage with people only when they act in a healthy manner. That teaches them that you value yourself and will only be around when they are in a healthy mindset themselves. If someone is with you when they are "at their best", then it's unlikely that they will leave you in the future.

Edited August 19, 2018 by marky00

[kalel_33]

Yeah, I think that is it.

 

This is why dating people with issues is dangerous. It's usually amazing but always ends in an awful fashion.

 

The theory is that since she doesn't value herself right now but you value her, her logic is then you cannot be of value. In her mind, that means you must be even less valuable than her. Does that make sense? Yes, its flawed thinking but that is just how God made our brains

 

Engage with people only when they act in a healthy manner. That teaches them that you value yourself and will only be around when they are in a healthy mindset themselves. If someone is with you when they are "at their best", then its unlikely that they will leave you in the future.

 

Now I am even more confused. Thanks for the reply. If she feels less valuable why is dating someone else who equally must see her as valuable?

[amaysngrace]

If she feels less valuable why is dating someone else who equally must see her as valuable?

 

Because she's trying to fill a void inside herself. She wasn't well and she was with you, right? It's the same thing.

 

But no person can fill that void except for her once she's well enough to figure herself out which I highly doubt she is at this point.

 

I think you keep making this about you and your feelings when it's really not about you at all. You can't make much sense of the thoughts and actions of someone who is dysfunctional other than they drag their sickness into their relationships with them.

 

You felt that and this new guy is most likely feeling that now too. I bet she looked happy in her pictures with you too and you know how deeply troubled she was at the time.

 

It's the same with new guy.

[kalel_33]

Because she's trying to fill a void inside herself. She wasn't well and she was with you, right? It's the same thing.

 

But no person can fill that void except for her once she's well enough to figure herself out which I highly doubt she is at this point.

 

I think you keep making this about you and your feelings when it's really not about you at all. You can't make much sense of the thoughts and actions of someone who is dysfunctional other than they drag their sickness into their relationships with them.

 

You felt that and this new guy is most likely feeling that now too. I bet she looked happy in her pictures with you too and you know how deeply troubled she was at the time.

 

It's the same with new guy.

 

You are right. I am making this about me. It really is deep down about her. I feel a bit better today but i think it will take a while. And it doesn't help we live so close. So far I have managed to avoid her altogether. I don't go clubbing or to bars where i know she will be. I think seeing her again will be so awkward.

[d0nnivain]

Why do you feel bad? You fell in love with a woman who had issues. Despite those issues you were willing to stick by her. In an effort to care for her you spoke to one of her relatives about her around the time she was hospitalized. When you mentioned the conversation with the relative to her she got so defensive & pissed she broke up with you. Anorexics don't like it when people try to take their control away from them. If you don't know that already the disease is about control in a seemingly out of control situation; it's not really about losing weight. Anyway, she ended things.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting but in the grand scheme, as much as you wanted to you had no power to "fix" her. Know you behaved life a stand up honorable guy. This break up was on her.

[kalel_33]

New development - One of her parents just passed.

 

Should I send some kind of condolence...???

[d0nnivain]

It's up to you.

 

I have sent & received cards from EXs in that situation. The death of a parent is such a difficult thing that comfort from all quarters is welcome.

[marky00]

Now I am even more confused. Thanks for the reply. If she feels less valuable why is dating someone else who equally must see her as valuable?

 

It's quite simple.

 

So let's say she has a vision of herself of when she is at 100 percent, when her life is fully clicking and she is just really happy with herself.

 

Now lets compare that to the time during your relationship (especially towards the end). Her life was pretty much in the toilet. But you were there of course despite that. Her sub-conscious started to wonder why were you interested in her when she wasn't at her best.

 

Her only logical conclusion is that you also must not value yourself because why else would you be interested in her when she is probably only running at 50 percent of peak capacity

 

The vision of you hanging around during such a time is hard for her to shake, even if she eventually does get back to 100 percent. It plants a seed of doubt in her mind that you hung out with her despite her treating you somewhat poorly and knowing she wasn't at her best.

 

It is flawed thinking but it is common. Better to start up with people who are bringing their A game to the table. If someone brings their C game but finds their A game a while later, good chance they will dump you (not always but a good chance).

Edited September 7, 2018 by marky00

[bathtub-row]

It would be a kind gesture to send something but with all the problems she has, you really would do yourself a favor by taking the time to get over her. For the life of me, I can’t imagine any woman not valuing a man who acted as wonderful as you did in this situation. I think she’s just so screwed up in her head, she can’t allow herself to be loved.

 

It reminds me of Karen Carpenter. The woman had everything going for her - looks, fame, talent, and a voice like an angel. Yet there was nothing anyone could do to fix her. No amount of love did it and she eventually died. Anorexia is torture to a person’s body and they don’t realize the danger they put themselves in. But it’s real and if it continues it will kill them.

 

Your ex has some really deep-seated issues and I really don’t think her current relationship will be any different than the one she had with you. But you’re left with the heartache and sadness, with all the questions and self-blame. The truth is, you just can’t think like her because her thoughts are so out of whack with reality. If it helps, I don’t think you did anything wrong.