Is it over forever? ****UPDATED***

[Garcon1986]

Can you share what exactly are her grievances?

[Hurtingguy]

Can you share what exactly are her grievances?

 

She’s hurt I cheated when we first met over a year ago we continued the relationship moved in together and we had our ups and downs she still had trust issues, plus i was codependent in the relationship also she feels we don’t connect emotionally like we use too

[CantTakeMySmile]

There is really not way to know the answer to this. But, if you want to do these things for yourself, just wait it out and see.

 

 

If she has told you that she wants to be with you, and she continues to engage with you, and no one else, I don't see why it can't be a possibility.

 

 

But, you just don't know. Do what makes you happy and wait to see what happens.

 

 

You didn't really express enough for us to know what happened... just stay your course.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody knows what the future brings.

 

She wants a deeper emotional connection and she wants you to be financially stable. The later I can understand but this alleged co-dependency, well that is a phrase thrown around casually by too many people. I really don't know what she means by it but I suspect she has only a limited understanding of what the phrase means clinically. She probably just thinks you are too clingy. For you to be co-dependent on her, she has to be flawed & you have to be buying into her problem then enabling her. Is she really saying that she's a mess & you support that? If so what the heck is she doing to fix her issues? If she has no issues like alcoholism or immaturity, then by definition you can't be co-dependent so she really doesn't know WTH she is talking about.

 

Time changes people. If you do all the things she is claiming to want, that will take time -- like years. Once you become the man she claims to want with the passage of time you will have grown & may not want her any more. More importantly you can't really trust that she's going to sit around all that time & wait for you. So it's false hope.

 

Take this as a break up. Make the changes you want in yourself to make you a better happier person. If she's still there later, OK fine. But if she's not you will still be in a superior place ready to find that perfect relationship for you, even if it's not with her.

[Gretchen12]

As long as the lines of communication are kept open, and two people are capable of love, are kind, a good relationship is still possible. People have battled illnesses (mental and physical), addictions, infidelity, saboteurs (family, friends). Not always easy but can be done. She's still talking to you a lot so that's very encouraging.

[Hurtingguy]

As long as the lines of communication are kept open, and two people are capable of love, are kind, a good relationship is still possible. People have battled illnesses (mental and physical), addictions, infidelity, saboteurs (family, friends). Not always easy but can be done. She's still talking to you a lot so that's very encouraging.

 

Yes we talk everyday sometimes cry to each other, we. It’s know we’re still in love with each other she just wants to get over the hurt and wants me to give Is the life we both deserve and I want that too and will do anything to make that happen I just need to show her I can

[preraph]

Well, you should probably work on the making money first because therapy takes money. only you really know if you're better off being a independent contractor or working for a company, but she wants someone with a steady job as do many people. I don't know what business you're in but when times are slow, the whole industry can be slow, like in construction. You know your business better than her, so if what she says makes sense then start making changes. But if she's actually having unrealistic expectations about it and tell steady it will be, she just may need to be with someone in a different profession.

[Hurtingguy]

Sorry not sure how to add my other post to this thread but need some advice

 

So my ex and I broke up about 5-6 weeks ago.

Had to do with the fact that when we first met I slept with someone else but had to tell her so she knew.

 

There where a few other things like me not giving her space when she needed it and me being needy.

 

We where together just over a year and lived together for about 8 months

 

So we talk everyday through text and phone every morning and every night

 

Today she told me that she is still in love with me and misses me a lot and this is so hard for her to go through but she can’t be with me righ now until she can find a way to get over me sleeping with someone else

 

I asked her if we could see each other this week but she said no cause she’ll just end up wanting to get back together with me right away and want to sleep with me and won’t be able to resist herself.

 

I know if I can get her to meet up with me and we can talk in person and spend some time together we will get back together.

 

But she said no and akd doesn’t know when she will see me but we will see each other again hopefully soon,

 

She’s been honest and told me right now she can’t get back to me until we both work on our issues, and she’s not sure if we will ever be together again but she doesn’t know what will happen.

 

How do I get her to meet me, what am I supposed to do I want to marry this woman and spend my life with her I need some help here

[d0nnivain]

Try sending her flowers with an apology & asking her what levels of transparency will enable her to trust you again.

 

Personally I think you both need to slow down. You say you were together for a year & lived together for 8 months. You moved in WAAAAAYYYYY too fast. You need to be with somebody for at least a year, 2 of you are under 30, before you move in. Now you are talking about marriage. Bad plan. Just slow down.

[Mardelis]

when we first met I slept with someone else but had to tell her so she knew.

 

On one of your other threads you said she found out from your ex girlfriend that you cheated on her, 1 month into the relationship.

 

 

A week before you met your most recent girlfriend, you wrote this about the girlfriend you cheated on her with:

 

 

"All I've been doing is sitting in a dark room for days crying thinking about all the good times we had all the love I have for her. I just want this pain to go away.

I wish I could get her back still I really do I lost my lover my best friend my true love.

Never been this depressed in my life the anxiety is almost uncontrollable.

Have my first therapy appt tomorrow afternoon and just hoping the doc can help me or prescribe me something to help with this pain.

I miss her soo much."

 

 

You weren't over the first girlfriend when you met girlfriend #2 a week later, then you went and had sex with girlfriend #1 a month into the relationship with girlfriend #2, didn't tell girlfriend #2 about it- you only confessed when she found out from girlfriend #1.

 

 

After apologizing to girlfriend #2 and promising never to contact girlfriend #1, you subsequently had a 1 HOUR conversation with girlfriend #1 that girlfriend #2 found out about only because she installed a spy app on your phone.

 

 

How do I get her to meet me, what am I supposed to do I want to marry this woman and spend my life with her I need some help here

 

 

You were devastated by girlfriend #1, now you're devastated by girlfriend #2 (the one you cheated on and again betrayed by continuing to contact girlfriend #1). If you go and find girlfriend #3 next week the pattern will continue to repeat until you stop doing it.

 

 

It's really dysfunctional on a whole bunch of levels. I suggest you leave both of these women alone, don't look for anyone new until you make some of those real changes that girlfriend #2 talked about. It's going to take more than a week.

[Gretchen12]

I get the feeling you never fully understood the reason she broke up with you. "Understand" as in being able to empathize and see it from her point of view. It requires being a good listener, and of course the more you know her the better you can understand. I believe that's the key to getting back together. And most of the time people don't get back together because communication was already not good before, leading to break up, and post break up communications get worse. Your plan of seeing her in person is just trying to attract her, it won't stick because it doesn't address the issue. She doesn't deny there is attraction.

[Hurtingguy]

Try sending her flowers with an apology & asking her what levels of transparency will enable her to trust you again.

 

Personally I think you both need to slow down. You say you were together for a year & lived together for 8 months. You moved in WAAAAAYYYYY too fast. You need to be with somebody for at least a year, 2 of you are under 30, before you move in. Now you are talking about marriage. Bad plan. Just slow down.

 

What do u mean level of transparency?

She’s 38 I’m 36

We both know we moved way to fast but that can’t be taken back.

 

I know she still wants to be with me but it’s to hard for her right now..

I’ve been proving to her since it happened I can be trusted but I do understand that it takes time and work.

 

I just feel so lost without her and so does she. I just want to find a way for us to fix this

[d0nnivain]

transparency: She gets to scroll through your phone, your e-mail, your What'sApp etc. You tell her where you are going. You check in with her frequently, as she determines.

[preraph]

She will never trust you again unless you show that you care enough to let her look at everything you do online and elsewhere to rebuild trust. She will still never trust you if you don't even understand how this has affected her. Not only can she not trust you; now she cannot trust herself to make a decent choice in who she cares about because she chose you and then you broke her heart cheating.

 

She can never be as open with you again as she was when she put her blind trust in you, so your relationship will never be the same, no matter what. Your only hope of having something with her is the above, fully understanding you cut her open and fully losing your privacy because you care that much. I doubt you do care that much or you wouldn't have cheated.

 

There's no reason she should "get over" you "sleeping with someone else." You showed her how little you care, that you didn't even care enough not to want to hurt her.

[salparadise]

So my ex and I broke up about 5-6 weeks ago.

Had to do with the fact that when we first met I slept with someone else but had to tell her so she knew.

 

You said in the other thread that you slept with someone else before you were officially a couple. Was this in the first week or two after you started dating, or months after you started? Did you just tell her recently, and that precipitated the breakup?

 

You said in the other thread that she terminated two pregnancies during your relatively short relationship. That's a lot of emotional upheaval to deal with. If she was already traumatized from ending the pregnancies, and then you told her about sleeping with someone else... it might have just been too much.

 

Even though it happened early, the impact occurred when you told her. Even though you weren't officially a couple at the time, the context was different when you told her (assuming you told her recently), and combined with two terminated pregnancies the feeling of incongruence could be overwhelming.

 

I don't know what you can do to get her to talk––appeal to her sense of fairness maybe. I know how it feels when a woman you love ends a relationship and refuses to talk. It feels very wrong. There are three basic options: persistence, space, or a combination. I would lean toward the combination, but it's just an instinctive guess.

 

I hope she comes around and things work out.

Edited September 27, 2018 by salparadise

[Hurtingguy]

She will never trust you again unless you show that you care enough to let her look at everything you do online and elsewhere to rebuild trust. She will still never trust you if you don't even understand how this has affected her. Not only can she not trust you; now she cannot trust herself to make a decent choice in who she cares about because she chose you and then you broke her heart cheating.

 

She can never be as open with you again as she was when she put her blind trust in you, so your relationship will never be the same, no matter what. Your only hope of having something with her is the above, fully understanding you cut her open and fully losing your privacy because you care that much. I doubt you do care that much or you wouldn't have cheated.

 

There's no reason she should "get over" you "sleeping with someone else." You showed her how little you care, that you didn't even care enough not to want to hurt her.

 

Ok I do care enough and I did it was in the first couple weeks of knowing her this happened,and i have given her full honesty since then she always has access to my phone whenever she wants it’s always been in the open for her to go through whenever she felt like it,

[Hurtingguy]

On one of your other threads you said she found out from your ex girlfriend that you cheated on her, 1 month into the relationship.

 

 

A week before you met your most recent girlfriend, you wrote this about the girlfriend you cheated on her with:

 

 

"All I've been doing is sitting in a dark room for days crying thinking about all the good times we had all the love I have for her. I just want this pain to go away.

I wish I could get her back still I really do I lost my lover my best friend my true love.

Never been this depressed in my life the anxiety is almost uncontrollable.

Have my first therapy appt tomorrow afternoon and just hoping the doc can help me or prescribe me something to help with this pain.

I miss her soo much."

 

 

You weren't over the first girlfriend when you met girlfriend #2 a week later, then you went and had sex with girlfriend #1 a month into the relationship with girlfriend #2, didn't tell girlfriend #2 about it- you only confessed when she found out from girlfriend #1.

 

 

After apologizing to girlfriend #2 and promising never to contact girlfriend #1, you subsequently had a 1 HOUR conversation with girlfriend #1 that girlfriend #2 found out about only because she installed a spy app on your phone.

 

Ok so gf #1 hasn’t been in the pic since all this happened I’ve been open and honest for the rest of the relationship,

 

 

 

You were devastated by girlfriend #1, now you're devastated by girlfriend #2 (the one you cheated on and again betrayed by continuing to contact girlfriend #1). If you go and find girlfriend #3 next week the pattern will continue to repeat until you stop doing it.

 

 

It's really dysfunctional on a whole bunch of levels. I suggest you leave both of these women alone, don't look for anyone new until you make some of those real changes that girlfriend #2 talked about. It's going to take more than a week.

 

I’ve been honest and open since all this happened, and it’s been over a year now and I have changed I don’t reach out to any woman cause I know that my gf now is the one, I have no thoughts to be with any other woman sexually or emotionally emotionally, I’ve learned a lot in the last year and have changed my ways the pattern is done if I didn’t care I’d be looking for someone to pretty much just get over her but I’ve learned that doesn’t help and I don’t want that l, I would never hurt her again I would never cheat or lie again wether it’s with her or in the far future with anyone else, I just want her I make this relationship work I want to be happy with her and spend my life with her we’ve been through a lot good and bad and we’re still able to talk about all our stuff and and feelings and emotions, and all anyone’s done is judge me for the exception of one person on here, that’s not what this is about it’s about me learning how to find a way to make this relationship whole again and make it work one last final time I feel like an ass and regret what I did and always will do please stop bashing me and help me find A way to get through this

[Mardelis]

I'm sorry but there may not be any way to fix this despite all the changes you've made since you cheated on her with your exgirlfriend and talked to your ex girlfriend for an hour after you promised your girlfriend you wouldn't do that. You might believe it won't happen again, and perhaps you're right and perhaps you're wrong but your girlfriend (the one that just broke up with you for cheating on her) doesn't know this to be true and even if she did believe it to be true you have caused her too much pain and there is too much lost trust for it to work for her. So I suggest you give her what she wants and leave her be. If you truly love her and want her to be happy you'll put her needs above your own- and those needs are to be with someone other than you, because of your actions towards her in the past. Accept that you've made mistakes and hurt the one you love and that she does not want to be with you anymore. It's no longer about what you want- you've already had what you wanted at her expense, and now it's her turn.

[Hurtingguy]

I'm sorry but there may not be any way to fix this despite all the changes you've made since you cheated on her with your exgirlfriend and talked to your ex girlfriend for an hour after you promised your girlfriend you wouldn't do that. You might believe it won't happen again, and perhaps you're right and perhaps you're wrong but your girlfriend (the one that just broke up with you for cheating on her) doesn't know this to be true and even if she did believe it to be true you have caused her too much pain and there is too much lost trust for it to work for her. So I suggest you give her what she wants and leave her be. If you truly love her and want her to be happy you'll put her needs above your own- and those needs are to be with someone other than you, because of your actions towards her in the past. Accept that you've made mistakes and hurt the one you love and that she does not want to be with you anymore. It's no longer about what you want- you've already had what you wanted at her expense, and now it's her turn.[/quote

 

The thing is she doesn’t want me to let her be again last night she told me that she’s not moving on and wants to try and find A way for us to be together but just needs time, she said she can’t see me right now cause she’ll get depressed and it will take her more time to try and get by this pain, she doesn’t want us to stop contact we talk everyday a few times a day, she told me she wants me to get my. **** together and keep trying and not to give up, Its just so hard not being to see her and fall asleep with her or wake up next to her every morning she said she’s still very much in love with me and misses me so much that’s why I’m trying to figure out what to do here I won’t give up on us for the first time in my life I found the person I want to spend my life with and share eveything with and be with her and only her this is just so difficult and I know it’s my fault and I’ve been nothing but loyal and honest and loving to her and she has also

[Hurtingguy]

So my ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago

We’ve kept in touch everyday, we haven’t seen each other but we talk the past week she’s been very cold and distant we haven’t spoken much and then last night we talked and she was drunk, I know I shouldn’t have spoken to her when she was drunk but I did.

 

She told me she’s still in love with me misses me and cried then told me to get my **** together and that she’ll marry me when I do.

 

And now today it’s the complete opposite she never wants to see me again or talk to me she doesn’t love me and to not call her anymore I don’t understand it

 

Why is she doing this?

[Mardelis]

She loves you and can't control her feelings and you treated her like crap so she's conflicted.

[Hurtingguy]

She loves you and can't control her feelings and you treated her like crap so she's conflicted.

 

But that’s the thing I didn’t treat her like crap all I ever did was love her and take care of her I mean I f up in the beginning but since then I did nothing but show her love and did eveything to take care of her

[Mardelis]

You underestimate the devastating effects that cheating has on a relationship along with continued contact with the affair partner after the cheating has been exposed and promises have been made to not contact the person that the cheating happened with.

[Hurtingguy]

You underestimate the devastating effects that cheating has on a relationship along with continued contact with the affair partner after the cheating has been exposed and promises have been made to not contact the person that the cheating happened with.

 

Ok you’re reading it wrong, I cut all contact with the person I slept with, and I do not underestimate it at all I know how much it hurts it’s haooened to me, I had spoken with another ex 1 time which was a harmless conversation and she knows that

[Mardelis]

I read what you wrote.

 

 

You cheated on her with another woman. The affair was exposed, you promised to cut contact with the woman, and then you subsequently proceeded to have a 1 hour conversation with her.

 

 

And here you are saying there's nothing wrong with that because your wife knows about it, and you're wondering why your wife is so conflicted, even though it's perfectly and painfully clear.