After 4 months of NC, saw picture of ex w new guy. How do I deal w it?

[drdre]

She broke up with me 4 months ago via text, her reason being that she felt I would never commit. We dated for 2.5 yrs and loved together for the last 1yr. She was 34 (now 35) and I'm 33.

 

When she texted me she wasn't in Love with me anymore and was moving out, I said OK and went NC (with the exception of a few logistics things).

 

Since then I've stayed busy, traveled and am dating. But still, I think about her on most days. It's never in a "I want her back" kind of way but I just miss things about her and her being in my life. I still think the break up was probably for the best since I truly had hesitations about marrying her.

 

In any case, yesterday I was visiting a mutual friend who lives out of state and he mentions "someone was on a date last night". He asked if I wanted to see it. At first I said no but he insisted it would give me closure. He shows me her story on Instagram (we don't have each other on social media) and it's her hanging over a guy (who actually looks a bit like me).

 

I immediately felt bothered. On one hand, she is a good person and I want her to be happy. It's been 4months so it's expected she is trying to find someone. On the other hand, seeing it was a punch in the gut. It hurt that I am over here thinking about her every day while she is all moved on and already posting a new guy on social media.

 

How do I deal with it internally? I want her to be happy but I still got jealous. I'm dating too so I know it's not fair for me to expect her not to. 4 months feel like should have been long enough but there are lots of things daily that remind me of her that I can't change it make out of sight.

 

I want to just not think about her anymore but I don't know how.

 

Do you? Can you help me?

 

Thank you

Edited August 18, 2018 by drdre
Finish it

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, your friend is a crappy friend. One does not need to actually see their ex on a date in order to gain closure. I hope you told this person as much.

 

Secondly, all you can do is give yourself more time. Remember the reasons you didn't want to commit; there had to be something there causing you to hesitate. It hurts to know an ex has moved on, but evidently, the relationship wasn't working anymore.

[d0nnivain]

If seeing that picture was the last nail in the coffin of your old relationship, so be it. Sometimes we need to be smacked up side the head with the proverbial 2 x 4. Just make sure your friend doesn't show you more of these pictures. I have to wonder why this friend of yours is still attached to your EX on social media.

 

Anyway, there is no magic formula to stop thinking about somebody. All you can do is when you find yourself thinking about her stop, acknowledge the thought & then purposefully redirect your attention. It may help to do something active like go for a walk or clean.

[Blanco]

First, there's no shame in feeling this way. In a lot of ways, breakups can feel a bit abstract and only when we see physical proof that the other person has moved on to someone else can it start to set in that the relationship really is finished.

 

You were with this person for several years and were heavily emotionally invested. It's going to hurt and it's going to hurt for a while. I question people who are able to move on in a matter of weeks or months from long-term relationships unless they had truly detached over a long period of time while in the relationship. That may have been the case with her, but you weren't prepared for the breakup, so it's natural that seeing her with another man less than half a year later would feel bad.

 

It does get easier with time, but even then, it doesn't mean there won't always be a part of you that might feel a bit sad when you think back on it or see her with someone else. Don't beat up yourself because of it.

[preraph]

You don't want her but you don't want anyone else to have her. We've all felt that, but you have to be an adult about it. I mean, when you're breaking up with someone, it's inevitable they will find someone new or date around or whatever, so when you break up, weigh that in. Dating is a good way to distract yourself from emotional pain. It doesn't mean she never loved you or doesn't still care about your happiness. It just means she is moving on with her life. That's what happens when we break up. Don't get that panicky feeling and reach out to her. Women see right through that. We've all gotten the knee-jerk reaction from guys either who we broke up with or never liked us back when their possessive competitive side comes out once they see us with another guy. Women know all about it and will call it for what it is if you react that way, as if you're a changed man and remorseful. We know you're just possessive and jealous and your ego is hurting and would have been fine with the breakup if only we'd sworn to join a nunnery afterwards.

 

Women don't like to see you moving on either, so we understand. But you can't react to it. Just move on.

[drdre]

Another friend (a girl) who remained friends with her and I chatted a bit today about it. She told me my ex still missed me and talks about me to her. The knowledge that she is struggling with it too actually gave me some comfort in the sense that it made me feel that what we had was meaningful to her too and she isn't over it overnight like I thought after seeing the picture. Kinda weird how that works. Maybe what I was feeling was a bruised ego that she was over us before me?

 

On the flip side, knowing that I'm struggling and she is struggling too, started putting some thoughts in my had that Im not sure I want to have. Thoughts of what if this and that. I really don't see how getting back together would end up with a different outcome other than breaking up again so I know it's a bad idea. Knowing it in your head and feeling it in your heart unfortunately are not the same thing.

 

Has anyone ever succefully gotten back with someone and worked it long term after being broken up for several months and dating / sleeping with other people? My friend told me my ex hasn't slept with this guy because she wants to take it slow. I feel like I would not be able to get over her having had sex with other people since us (if we tried again).

 

My girl friend also thinks that part of what I'm feeling is because I never got closure. Never saw her after the break up text or said goodbye. She thinks I could benefit from seeing my ex one more time and talking / getting closure. I think that may be a terrible idea and may eff me all up again. But maybe I guess it could work too?

 

Thoughts?

Edited August 18, 2018 by drdre
Clarification

[anduina]

It sounds like your friends are trying to get the two of you back together but if you're still not willing to offer her a future, then don't meet her or get back with her. That would be very selfish of you to do.

[drdre]

Turns out she is officially dating someone new now (I'm assuming that guy). I'm bothered but know it makes sense. I have not reached out or made any effort to reconcile, as such, there is no reason why she shouldn't or wouldn't be dating.

 

As such, I don't think it makes sense for us to meet and talk about anything. I'm just gonna have to get over it and get closure on my own.

 

I just want to have what I had with her but with a more compatible person. Is that so much to ask for?! Haha

 

From your previous experiences, how long is a reasonable time to get over a 2.5yrs relationship?