Try it, or let it go?

[ppc]

Thank you for the replies.

I really dont know what I will do. I was crying over everything for a day (and crying again) ... And I'm just reaching a point where I feel like I just can't accept, that this is happening to me. Not just him, all these things.

 

Anyway, yesterday he texted me in the evening, asking how was my day. I replied him after midnight when I arrived home (I've spent the day with a friend) He told me about his day, I told him about mine. Mentoined him that I wanted to go to a city far away with a night bus, before my friend asked me to spend the with her. And he was quiet strange. "were you going there alone?", "do you want to go there before going home?" ... I had the impression that he might want to suggest to go there together. But in the end he just said, that yeah, it's a good plan.

 

I know... all of things, all my thinking makes no sense, because it will end soon. But I dont think I will able not to meet him. I told this to my best friend, first she said "why not?" and when I mentoined avoidong getting more attached, she said that yeah, this makes sense.

 

Yesterday I was running into a sign, saying this basic stupid "If you don't try, you'll never know". And this hit me. But I dont know, what will happen or what I will do. I cant believe that this is my fate, that whenever I'm getting happy or positive then I always have to go back way deeper then I was before. I just cant accept this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I really dont know what I will do. I was crying over everything for a day (and crying again) ... And I'm just reaching a point where I feel like I just can't accept, that this is happening to me. Not just him, all these things.

What are all these things, exactly? What is happening to you?

 

Yesterday I was running into a sign, saying this basic stupid "If you don't try, you'll never know". And this hit me. But I dont know, what will happen or what I will do. I cant believe that this is my fate, that whenever I'm getting happy or positive then I always have to go back way deeper then I was before. I just cant accept this.

This suggests to me that your current unhappiness really has nothing to do with this guy, given that you hardly know him. It seems that you are in a dark place, in general. You have very high expectations on this (as of now) casual situation, so I am wondering what it is that you're trying to escape by attaching yourself so quickly and so strongly to a boy you met only recently.

 

Your level of distress and disappointment over this, relative to how well and how long you've actually known him, is a bit concerning, OP.

[Gretchen12]

What's the problem? Tell him about going away for 9 months. Tell him you like him a lot. Get to know him as much as you can when he comes back. Keep communicating for 9 months, possibly visit, reunite after that and have a happy life. Why are you being so negative? You're not going to go very far in life if you back down at every obstacle. Yeah I know this guy may not work out and it'll be challenging. But you can tell yourself that about every job prospect and you end up never making it in your career.

[Desesperado]

Not trying to be rude, but you seem like you need a relationship to fill some hole, to be successful in a relationship you first need to learn to be whole and happy just by yourself.

Otherwise all your relationships are doomed for failure I'm affraid.

 

Now let's get real, you'll go back to your homeland apparently, so during 9 months you'll obviously be meeting other men and from your own culture, some of these men might want to know you and like you.

The guy during these 9 months will be in another country, meeting women as well every day, so he might also find other interesting people.

 

I did LDR and "out of sight out of mind" unfortunately after a while is very real, I think you need to tell him to no wait for you, this is the sensible thing to do.

Anyway if your paths cross again and you stay in contact, you never know, but kind of asking someone to wait for you isn't really good nor smart.

[kendahke]

Since you're going to be going home for a long stretch of time and you only have 3 more weeks with him, use the time to dial back your intensity and just enjoy his company in the now--don't live in the future, stop stressing about what will be in May of next year. You may meet someone back home who strikes your fancy way more; you may land an unexpected job opportunity there and decide to stay there; he may find someone else in the meantime and begin building something with her.

 

You cannot invest yourself this hard and fast with someone you barely know---it'll only set you up for future heartache.

 

The question is: do either he or you possess the requisite self discipline to not yearn for the company and attention of someone else while you're waiting on May to roll around? That's what it's going to take and if you have it, but he doesn't, then pain is in your forecast. He may be one of those who can't be alone in his own company like that and needs to connect with women in order to be happy. That means he'll be dating them and building with them while you're waiting to move back and you'll move back to being alone while he's got 9 months built with someone else.

 

Just enjoy the now and let the future work itself out in due time.

[ppc]

Hey guys!

 

I disconnected a bit, but thank you for all your advices.

I think I owe to tell what happened.

 

I was quite optimistic, because when he got back, he already texted me from the airport. We talked, and the day after we met in the evening. I felt that there's something wrong, and he opened up that how he dont know what to do with his life, he doesnt know that if it makes sense what he works now and so on... He said that he is now in a little life crisis. I listened to him, tried to say good things, we talked trough.. and so on. I left his place in the early morning on Monday. I caught the train and started to cry.... I cannot really explain why, all my life felt like a piece of ****, I dont see the future, and to be honest I think deep inside me I already started to feel that this thing will not so long, just I'm too weak to admit it.

We texted during the week.. On Thursday he texted me that he wanted to ask me to meet, but he is really busy, and stressed about things (he wrote me whats wrong) We talked a bit, and decided to spend the weekend together, go out and stuffs.

I went to his place on Friday, he bought dinner, we watched movies cuddled., then had sex... He said that Im too silent, whats wrong... We talked a bit, and had sex again, but that time I got stressed and it wasnt so good. But well.. I had hard time to fell asleep, I was close to crying... I think I already felt that our stuff will end soon.

Yesterday we woke up really late, cuddled a bit in the bad. I went to the grocery store to buy things for lunch, he had to work a bit on a paper. I cooked, he worked. Then during the afternoon we watched movies, and then drink wine. I realized that he is not really into cuddling right now... And I think because I was a bit drunk I started to overthink it... I initiated to have sex, but he didnt want to. I always have hard time with rejections like this, because my first thought is that there is soemthing wrong with me. I got quite silent and he asked whats wrong. And there we got to out think...

 

He told me that because he did know that I will go home he did not put so much importance on this whole thing, because he doesnt want a LDR again (I understand this). And feels the lack of real connection what he thinks he needs for a relationship. That's why we didnt talk everyday, and he did not call me...

And i got the typical **** .... Im smart, nice, intelligent and funny... Its really easy and comfortable to be with me and theres nothing wrong with me.... We talked a lot after this but you know... just as like friends. We talked about that I should go to a phsychologist, because Im in a big crisis and he was in this situation too and it really helped me... We talked about his parent will come and so on, lot of things.. But after a time I started to talk stuid ****, and insisted that maybe its better if I go home. This was a big slap for me, after this I stopped blaming myself, had another good conversation and I left his place. He hugged me really tight and long and ask me to write if I feel better. I told him that I will write in some days, but I need time.

He said that he doesnt want to lose contact with me, and still wants to meet and text me sometimes. He initiated that we should meet before I go home. He was really nice, but I said to him, that say things like that only if he really mean it, because I've been here, and realizing that it was just a typical "lets stay friends" stuff is the worst part. He said that he doesnt like comparisons, and he really mean this, and all the day was honest with me and this is not an exception. I asked that was it about just sex for him? And he said no, because then he wouldnt say go out, go to the beach and spend time at his place... It was more to him, but not enough for love.

 

This is the story. Now I'm sitting here alone , Im completety f....n alone in this country... crying... trying not to blame myself that I lost a great guy again... Trying to believe that they're right and there's nothing wrong with me... And they really mean this? Or this is just typical sh*t they are saying before ending a thing?

I know that the fairytale that we might the ONE for eachoter just existed in my head, and maybe Im not even sad because of the guy, but just grieving the whole situation. this happened 4 months before... comeplety different guy and situation, but it was the same end. It's not working buuuuuuuuut there's nothing wrong with you, it's just not working. I dont know what to believe. I know that I'm still just 25... the world is mine basicly... I will finish Master soon, wanna apply for a PhD position, I have good work experience from research university and a well-known company. I speak 3 languages, I lost ca. 15 kg since last year, Im not a beauty queen, but not ugly.. I started to improve myself..

And after 2.5 years I finally started to have hope, have dates, that I might find happiness. I know that I can't concentrate my happiness on one person, even if this person is my big, true love.... Im looking for somebody so desperately to love me, that I even try to see this in the wrong person... But after that this happened twice, I'm afraid that next time I will act more and more shy, just looking for red flags, and nothing else.

 

During the time I spent this guy sometime I had little guts, that he might not to one for me, but nothing specific. Last week I had a intuition that maybe it's better if it comes to and end, because my time at home will be really, really busy and stressful. And yeah... really illogical to start a LDR from basicly nothing. And yeah maybe he is just not the one.

 

Sorry that this is really long and messy. Messy lie me right know

Please if you have time just let me know that it really wasnt my fault? And what do you think guys really mean this things, or just trying to make you feel not so bad.

Or is there really something wrong with me and thats why guys decide to leave me after 1-1.5 months of dating? They were nice, well educated, hard working, handsome guys... Maybe I should put my standards lower because Im not enough for the type what I'm looking for?

 

Or any other advice... ?

 

But otherwise thank you for reading this.. I really felt that I have to write this out.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I don't think this was your fault. I think you were just placing your eggs in the wrong basket, because he doesn't want a long-distance relationship. I think he does like you, but this isn't the right point in his life to date someone seriously, particular when you don't know each other well and you're about to leave for 9 months.

 

I would focus instead on improving your own emotional well-being. I too live abroad and have felt that loneliness before. But I did what I needed to do to build up my social circle and hobbies in my new country. It's been an absolute necessity to have those solid people and outlets to turn to when times are tough and I'm missing my family and best friends back home. When you return, try to work on this.

 

You would also be wise to keep a healthy perspective in your dating choices. This guy might be great, but you knew you were leaving for a long time. It just wasn't realistic to expect much more than the fling you shared, and it's not a reflection on your desirability. It's like eating lots of ice cream but expecting not to gain weight, to put it another way. Your desires conflicted with the circumstances, which led to greater disappointment. Try not to set yourself up for that.

[ppc]

No, I don't think this was your fault. I think you were just placing your eggs in the wrong basket, because he doesn't want a long-distance relationship. I think he does like you, but this isn't the right point in his life to date someone seriously, particular when you don't know each other well and you're about to leave for 9 months.

 

I would focus instead on improving your own emotional well-being. I too live abroad and have felt that loneliness before. But I did what I needed to do to build up my social circle and hobbies in my new country. It's been an absolute necessity to have those solid people and outlets to turn to when times are tough and I'm missing my family and best friends back home. When you return, try to work on this.

 

You would also be wise to keep a healthy perspective in your dating choices. This guy might be great, but you knew you were leaving for a long time. It just wasn't realistic to expect much more than the fling you shared, and it's not a reflection on your desirability. It's like eating lots of ice cream but expecting not to gain weight, to put it another way. Your desires conflicted with the circumstances, which led to greater disappointment. Try not to set yourself up for that.

 

F*ck I wrote a really long answer but disappeared.

 

So. I went out to clear my head, and ended up to talk with my mother and a friend.

 

I also think that he likes me, even if he doesnt feel connection, but of course he did not because he buried this thing before it was even started. I also couldnt give my real self and be fully relaxed because deep inside I did know that this will end soon. The conditions, and the timing was really really bad for this. My friend said that he thinks that when I will be back we might be a happy couple, our lives are just too complicated now and it would not make sense to invest in this. Well... I dont want to live in this, and having hope. I wanna talk to him, asking sometimes how is he doing, or if he wants to talk about his issues then I'd be there, but the healthy choice is not to overcomplicate this I think. We are really similar. Same background, thinking, hobbies.. and similar in the way that we are both f*cked up right now. (But I'm wishing him the best, and I hope that he will find happiness, even if I wont be included, not even as a friend)

 

Yesss, my plan is to use this months to concentrate on my mental health, and quit looking for love for a while. I wanna get rid off my insecurities, overthinking and I dont want to be so strict with myself. I have a big trauma from my childhood, and nobody knows about it. I decided that I will talk about this to a psychologist to ged rid off the pressure what I'm carrying over 20 years. Maybe that's the key. I will also conecentrate to my final studies, get some publications, making some experiment, learning language and so on. And living for my hobbies, dogs etc.

But I'm really afraid about what you're saying. I've never been good at making friends. Now when I'm at work I usually have lunch alone. Sometimes a girl sits to me, and then other people too and we have a really nice conversation about science and researches. But otherwise Im sitting alone because I dont wanna disturb a friend circle there.

So I'm a bit afraid of this. I know it takes time. Would give me some advice maybe about this? I know that it is dating advice site, but I would really appreciate to hear your experiences and advices how I should start to build up a life basicly alone, far from my friends and family. I guess you moved to Italy, so more or less the same European culture. Even if you'd do in PM, I'd be really greatful.

If I'll end up here there will be 3 poeple for me here: 2 guys I've been dating and seems like we are developing a healthy friendship, and a friend who is becoming a really good friend during this months (but he is also in his home country now)

 

You're right! I will learn from this experience, hoping that next time everything will be better. I just hope when I meet right one, I will know it... What do you think do you feel this, or it developes with time?

[ppc]

God, I got so confused today. I worked alone all day, and cant stop thinking about him.

 

 

He said that because of this lack of connection he did not feel for texting me everyday or calling me, just asking sometimes how is it going. Alright. Then why did he already texted me from the airport, however the day after he did not wanted to meet.... Well, lot of things doesnt match. Im pretty sure, that he did not see anyone else while dating me. If he did not feel connection why did he start open up to me? If he did not feel connection why he still wants to see me and meet me , even when I'll be back? Why he wants to visit me in my home country? Why did he hold my hands in public, hug me in public? why did he just invite me over for longer time, if he just wanted sex?

I understand that it was unrealistic to expect relationship, but still, it's a bit illogical.

 

So once I'm feeling that he just used me, but on the other hand I feel like that he just tried to supress his feelings towards me because he doesn't want LDR , and got this crisis about his carreer. I dont know. And I know that I should stop thinking about this, but I cant... I have to much time alone right now.

 

Kinda feels like we met in a really bad time. I usually believe that everything happens for a reason, and we dont meet people my accident. I think the best I can do maybe that we stay in contact, texting sometimes, and wish that he finds his way and his happiness. I was thinking about blocking him, but that would be really immature. Maybe our paths cross again, maybe we will be friends, maybe we will lose contact soon. Let life decide.

[ExpatInItaly]

To answer your earlier question, yes, I moved to Italy. Still live here now. When I moved, I made an effort to befriend colleagues, join local Meet-up groups, as well as a group for expat women. I did some language exchange groups too (though I discovered those were often full of single local guys looking to exchange more than language) The point is, I had to break down my own barriers and get to know people. I have made some great friends here, and I have local partner now too. Had I had time to do some community volunteering, I would have, as that's also an interesting way to connect more with your surroundings.

 

This guy you were seeing probably does enjoy your company and some no-strings fun, but he didn't want to get involved in something more serious. Whether that's solely because you're about to leave for a long time or him not feeling a bigger spark (beyond the physical chemistry) is not terribly important.

 

The most important take-away here is not to get attached too fast. Hand-holding, hugging, dinner together - all of that is nice, but it's simply not enough to indicate someone is invested. People do those things because it feels good in the moment. It takes time to really know someone and see if they have more serious intentions and are ready for the same things you are.

[ppc]

To answer your earlier question, yes, I moved to Italy. Still live here now. When I moved, I made an effort to befriend colleagues, join local Meet-up groups, as well as a group for expat women. I did some language exchange groups too (though I discovered those were often full of single local guys looking to exchange more than language) The point is, I had to break down my own barriers and get to know people. I have made some great friends here, and I have local partner now too. Had I had time to do some community volunteering, I would have, as that's also an interesting way to connect more with your surroundings.

 

This guy you were seeing probably does enjoy your company and some no-strings fun, but he didn't want to get involved in something more serious. Whether that's solely because you're about to leave for a long time or him not feeling a bigger spark (beyond the physical chemistry) is not terribly important.

 

The most important take-away here is not to get attached too fast. Hand-holding, hugging, dinner together - all of that is nice, but it's simply not enough to indicate someone is invested. People do those things because it feels good in the moment. It takes time to really know someone and see if they have more serious intentions and are ready for the same things you are.

 

Thank you! Yeah I think the hardest part this would be for me because I have really hard time to make friends, because I'm too shy. My parents and friends labels me like I'm antisocial. But I also want to work on this. I was already looking for groups for people from my country. And today at least I asked somebody whether she wants to have lunch with me. (I was quiet proud of myself.)

 

I will take your advice. I know that I have too high expectation from little things... like this was. And now I'm suffering. I just hope that when the right one arrives I will recognize it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you! Yeah I think the hardest part this would be for me because I have really hard time to make friends, because I'm too shy. My parents and friends labels me like I'm antisocial. But I also want to work on this. I was already looking for groups for people from my country. And today at least I asked somebody whether she wants to have lunch with me. (I was quiet proud of myself.) .

 

That's great. Sincerely. I know it can be hard to break out of the shell, but you will find that slowly, it gets easier.

 

I am sure you will find that once your enrich your own life, and develop a support network where you live now, losses and disappointments will feel a lot more endurable.

 

The first man I met over here (who would later become my boyfriend, now my ex) was easily the most toxic person I have ever met. It was awful and I felt very isolated, as I didn't yet know many people and could not speak or understand the language very well at that point. I didn't tell anyone back home what was really going on behind closed doors, so that added to the emotional toll. But when I left him, I vowed to myself to start branching out and enjoying my new setting and meeting new people. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself, vital to my emotional well-being.

 

I do wish you the best at taking these new steps for you, too.

[ppc]

As I promised to him I texted him. I was dealing with my feeling a week.

I asked him how was his week, he asked about my weekend. I asked him that if he still wants to drink a coffee with me before I leave, then we could meet this week.

He read my message immediately but didnt reply since then. Im getting angry, because he was the one who initiated that we shoudl keep in touch, and meet before I fly home. And I warned him, to only say this if he really means it...Even if he doesnt want to meet, why cant he tell the truth? Not texting back is the most immature reaction...

 

(I found out that he downloaded Tinder again...)

[ExpatInItaly]

When did you text him?

[ppc]

When did you text him?

 

A day ago.

Should I wait more before getting into consequences?

I mean, if he acts like this after what he said, maybe he does not even worth to being sad/angry/whatever about him. But I hoped that he is serious, especially that I told him to be honest about this....

[MaleIntuition]

I’m sorry this didn’t work out.

 

This sounds like a bit of a player to me. He was probably never really looking for a serious relationship but someone to have fun with while abroad.

 

If you want to increase your chances on Tinder it makes logical sense to lower your standards somewhat. Remember that pictures are in 2D and doesn’t accurately represent what people really look like. Faces with sharper lines will look better than softer lines. A picture can never capture “charisma”; the beautiful transition between a smile and laughter.

[ppc]

I’m sorry this didn’t work out.

 

This sounds like a bit of a player to me. He was probably never really looking for a serious relationship but someone to have fun with while abroad.

 

If you want to increase your chances on Tinder it makes logical sense to lower your standards somewhat. Remember that pictures are in 2D and doesn’t accurately represent what people really look like. Faces with sharper lines will look better than softer lines. A picture can never capture “charisma”; the beautiful transition between a smile and laughter.

 

He is looking for a serious relationship, I'm sure about this, because he always mentioned how much he wanted to be with somebody when he was travelling, he just didn't take me serious, because I'm leaving this country soon (he is living here). I'm not sure tho if he is ready to a relationship or not... But that's not my problem anymore.

 

He was also not my type, but I saw something in him, when I swiped right. The same was the previous guy I dated, that I swiped him right because "mehhh why not". Both of them looked much much better in real life.

But now I will quit Tinder for some months, I got sick of it.

[ExpatInItaly]

A day ago.

Should I wait more before getting into consequences?

I mean, if he acts like this after what he said, maybe he does not even worth to being sad/angry/whatever about him. But I hoped that he is serious, especially that I told him to be honest about this....

 

What consequences?

 

You two are not dating, and as far as I can tell, he didn't promise to meet you again before you leave. Yes, I can understand it's disappointing if he isn't really planning to keep in touch, but trying to dole out consequences is going to make you look nuts, girl.

[ppc]

What consequences?

 

You two are not dating, and as far as I can tell, he didn't promise to meet you again before you leave. Yes, I can understand it's disappointing if he isn't really planning to keep in touch, but trying to dole out consequences is going to make you look nuts, girl.

 

By consequences I only meant this, that he doesnt want to stay in contact with me.

But he replied this morning. So let's see!

 

Otherwise I feel much better since days and looking forward what the futute has for me!