BrianLee73 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 So, like alot of people do nowadays, I met Dee online. Initially I wasnt sure, but once we started chatting, it was clear we were hitting it off. Bigtime! Here's the issue that my family, and even some friends are having. Im 45. Dee is 57. So there is an age gap. We know that. We understand that. But "WE" are the ones in love, and WE are the ones that love and support each other. What I don't get is, if people dont feel like a relationship is right for THEM, or who they are attracted to isnt what others are, why make a big deal about what I want? Her family is more supportive, but mine, absolutely think its nutz. Dee and I are very much in love, and we dont feel its weird. It feels like a perfectly normal relationship in EVERY way but one: ITS BeTTer! If this is the best relationship I have ever had, why cant people be happy for us? Dee and I live together, and to be honest, I want to marry her, and be with her for life. I'm PROUD of our relationship. She turns me on in every way, and we get along great.
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 You live with her. That is a big commitment. Since you already publicly declared your feelings through your address just give other people time to get to know Dee. I suspect that your family has more concerns then just her age. You didn't mention how long you have known each other before you moved on. They may think you are going too fast. The way I see it is if one person you care about doesn't like your SO, then it's a personality clash & no big deal, but when everybody (or your whole family) doesn't like the SO, perhaps you need to take another look because they probably see some red flag you are overlooking.
Author BrianLee73 Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 I'm not sure what you mean by publicly declaring my move through. Y address. I never posted my address online.. It might indeed be a combination of the fact we only knew each other 3 months before moving in, combined with the age gap, I think
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 I'm not asking about your address & that would be unsafe to put on line. Your family knows you live with her. You two living together is a huge declaration about how you feel about each other Your family is taken aback by your seemingly rash decision to cohabitate with somebody you only knew for 90 days. They subscribe to a more conventional approach of you know somebody & date them for at least one year before living together. They worry that you are being reckless. At this early stage she's a stranger. You need to give the whole thing time & she needs to be gracious & understanding while your family comes to grips about her presence in your life & theirs. It's not so much that they don't like Dee but they don't know Dee & frankly neither do you. You have to give everybody a chance to get to know each other. Your decision to move recklessly fast means that your decisions are going to be viewed skeptically. Give everybody time & if she's a quality person it will all work out. Let me ask you this though . . . did she move in with you? Are you supporting her? If so your family probably fears she is using you.
Normm Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Are you looking for a pat on the back from a handful of internet strangers who will tell you that it's all good and have a nice life with this woman? I doubt anyone will but even if they do or don't so what? You won't change the mind of anyone in your family so don't waste your time trying. Perhaps over time they'll accept the arrangement to some extent or maybe they never will. If you want the 2 cents from this internet stranger I'll tell you that it's nuts to move in with a person you've only known for 3 months especially given the age disparity that will surely become a problem as you both get older and she starts to show the effects of age long before you do. 1
Whodatdog Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Youre old enough to make your own decisions. If you are happy with how you are living, you dont need confirmation from family or internet. If they dont like it, its their problem not yours. If they are being rude about it, then dont put yourself in a position where they can be rude. Stay separate from them when it comes to her. You cant make them like her or your situation, all you can do is separate yourself from them.
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 At 45 your family was expecting a little more emotional maturity from you. It's not about her age, it's about you being smitten and acting like an inexperienced boy. You don't know this woman enough to move her into your home. I have a family member that married a woman he met on the net after 3 months. He also claimed she was the best thing that ever happened to him, his family warned him it's not love it's infatuation! Anyway, one year later she took control, he is financially supporting her and her family and she made him cut all ties with his family.......but he's in love (ya right). 45 year old men should act like 45 year old men. 1
major_merrick Posted August 20, 2018 Posted August 20, 2018 At your age, the age difference shouldn't be a big deal. If a 57 year old man was with a 45 year old woman, who would talk? Nobody. I think some of it has to do with the three month time period. I look at it more as "time spend" rather than calendar time. Three months of seeing each other daily is a lot more time spent than a whole year of seeing each other every week or two. It all depends on how well you know each other, and only you can answer that. My husband has an aunt who married after three months. Her husband was crazy about her. They married in their early 30's and stayed together until he passed away a few years ago...in in his 80's. Sometimes it just works out. I would ask...have you fallen for someone else this quickly before? If it is a pattern, that is a warning sign. If it is a one-time event compared to a lifetime pattern of more slow-and-steady behavior, it might just be a sign that you're meant to be. 1
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 My husband has an aunt who married after three months. Her husband was crazy about her. They married in their early 30's and stayed together until he passed away a few years ago...in in his 80's. Sometimes it just works out. In those years they had no choice but to marry if they wanted to be intimate. It was also common to marry early, my parents married after 8 months dating. It's like playing roulette-russe, sure some of them ended up being with the right person but many many of them ended up in abusive and unhappy relationships. They made it together till death because social pressure demanded it, not because of love. Nowadays what is the rush to move in together? I don't get it. You can see each other each day, spend every night together and no one will shame you for it. You can take your time to get to know someone and make sure you are investing in the right person for you. That's what being an adult is especially if you've been in relationships and marriages before you should know that 3 months isn't enough to tie your life and finance to someone. Nothing is *meant to be*, there is you being smart in your choices and there is being irresponsible and impulsive. If you are lucky you may end up with the right person after being irresponsible and impulsive but I know that's not a chance I am willing to take.
stillafool Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Youre old enough to make your own decisions. If you are happy with how you are living, you dont need confirmation from family or internet. If they dont like it, its their problem not yours. If they are being rude about it, then dont put yourself in a position where they can be rude. Stay separate from them when it comes to her. You cant make them like her or your situation, all you can do is separate yourself from them. ^^^This^^^. People worry too much about what their families think if you ask me. If you are an adult who cares what they think? If I'm happy they better like it or they won't see me; simple as that. OP if you and your lady love each other and are happy forget about everyone else. 1
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 Family is more important than a girlfriend of 3 months. When sh%t hits the fan it's family that picks up the pieces. At 3 month anyone thinking this is *love* or *destiny* watches too much disney production. Family always have your best interest at heart. They can sense when something is off. Each time my family disagreed with one of my date I fought them on it but at the end they aways end up being right about the person. If my daughter moved in with a man 12 years older than her after 3 months dating you bet I'd huff and puff! and I'd make my disagreement clearly known. That's what mom's are for. 1
glows Posted August 21, 2018 Posted August 21, 2018 I think it would do more for your mental health if you placed less importance on what others think. 1) You seem to be seeking validation from those who find it scarce for you. 2) You seem to be playing the comparison game (stop it - it's not a competition whose family is more accepting). If you really ARE all about your S.O. stop wasting all your energy on people who aren't your S.O. 3) Whether you moved in three months or three years after meeting is no one's business but that of the both of you. I met my husband February of one year and he asked me to move in with him that same year in September. Yes, people will give you the stink eye. They MAY ignore you when you talk about your significant other for awhile. People may not accept that you're an item or serious but it shouldn't affect you and how you behave towards each other. Remember that each time you choose focus on what others think, you devalue your love and life with each other because you've wasted that energy. This is a choice you make. So make that choice that's good for you and make sure that this woman is NOT a leech either, a drama queen or someone who is unwittingly pitting you against your family. I'm just putting this out there as a caution. Be careful of partners that instigate you and turn you into a poorer version of yourself. It's a massive red flag that you are NOT with the right person.
No_Go Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 If my daughter moved in with a man 12 years older than her after 3 months dating you bet I'd huff and puff! and I'd make my disagreement clearly known. That's what mom's are for. Why is that? Your daughter is in her 30s, right? Would she huff and puff if you have moved in with someone 12 years younger or older? A fear of this type of family pressure made me keep my relationships strictly secret (including 2 men I lived with) until very recently..... I think for the best of all is adults to be treated like such. OP is 45 for god sakes, not 15... Yeah they moved in rather quickly but it's done now so why bash on them? Age difference is not a big deal, at their age it doesn't really matter.
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 (edited) Why is that? Your daughter is in her 30s, right? Would she huff and puff if you have moved in with someone 12 years younger or older? My daughter would be in an uproar if I moved a man in after 3 months no matter his age. It's not because our children (or our parents) are adults that we stop caring for them. My own mother would be in an uproar of I moved in a stranger after 3 months. Why? because they care for me, they know I've worked hard to get the life I have and they would want to protect me from someone stealing it all from me. Which would be a reasonable fear, don't you think? A fear of this type of family pressure made me keep my relationships strictly secret (including 2 men I lived with) until very recently..... It's not pressure, it's caring. But I believe you were not close to your family to start with so I understand my family dynamic may seem too much. I think for the best of all is adults to be treated like such. . For OP to be treated as an adult he'd need to act like one. Moving in after 3 months, tangling his life and finance to a stranger isn't acting like an adult. . Edited August 22, 2018 by Gaeta 1
No_Go Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Well I guess it boils down to family dynamics, just giving my example that fear of being judged by family became debilitating ... so I preferred to suffer in silence than facing this judgment. I moved in once with a BF after 4 weeks so I know how bad it can be LOL the guy stole 7K from me in the next few months... But you also brought up their age difference- which is not big at all especially for their age group. It is just the quick move in which I agree is risky... My daughter would be in an uproar if I moved a man in after 3 months no matter his age. It's not because our children (or our parents) are adults that we stop caring for them. My own mother would be in an uproar of I moved in a stranger after 3 months. Why? because they care for me, they know I've worked hard to get the life I have and they would want to protect me from someone stealing it all from me. Which would be a reasonable fear, don't you think? It's not pressure, it's caring. But I believe you were never close to your family to start with so I understand my family dynamic may seem too much. For OP to be treated as an adult he'd need to act like one. Moving in after 3 months, tangling his life and finance to a stranger isn't acting like an adult. .
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 I moved in once with a BF after 4 weeks so I know how bad it can be LOL the guy stole 7K from me in the next few months... Oh boy! I hope he reads this! But you also brought up their age difference- which is not big at all especially for their age group. It is just the quick move in which I agree is risky... In his case the age difference is secondary to me. I agree they're both adults with plenty of 'living'. If you notice OP's language he speaks of being in love, she is the best relationships he's ever had, and this after 3 months only. He's smitten/infatuated. It's the worse moment to be making life changes like moving-in, especially if he lives in a place where he's financially responsible for her after a few months or 1 year like I've heard. When someone tells you you're the love of his life after 2 years dating it means something, after 3 months it's just air out of his/her mouth. . 1
No_Go Posted August 22, 2018 Posted August 22, 2018 Ha yeah I have posted plenty of reading material on this fast move in...Break up was a pain in the a**.... Breaking the lease was harder than the break up. I guess falling in love can happen fast but love alone is not enough and that’s why the saying to wait full 4 seasons before making big decisions is true. My mom married after 3 months of dating (+3 months long distance dating) and although they stayed married it was a bad choice, she didn’t realize he’s an addict (I bet he was before they met although she refuses to admit). Oh boy! I hope he reads this! In his case the age difference is secondary to me. I agree they're both adults with plenty of 'living'. If you notice OP's language he speaks of being in love, she is the best relationships he's ever had, and this after 3 months only. He's smitten/infatuated. It's the worse moment to be making life changes like moving-in, especially if he lives in a place where he's financially responsible for her after a few months or 1 year like I've heard. When someone tells you you're the love of his life after 2 years dating it means something, after 3 months it's just air out of his/her mouth. . 1
Blanco Posted August 24, 2018 Posted August 24, 2018 Hard to say for sure what the concern is from the family members since we don't know them. I agree, though, that the fast-paced nature of the relationship is probably what's got them tense. Three months is awfully early to be making major life decisions as a couple. You just can't really know someone inside and out in such a time period, especially when the default behavior for most people early on is to be their best self. I've got a friend who's been seeing a girl since the spring and they're basically inseparable. She seems of good quality, but they've moved quickly and she's not even a year removed from a major, life-changing occurrence that would certainly knock most people out of the dating game for a while. We're all a bit on edge about what the future holds from them, as we try to be supportive while being aware that things are moving a bit quickly given the circumstances. I would think the OP's family feels similarly. 1
Lorenza Posted August 27, 2018 Posted August 27, 2018 When my dad met a 15 y younger woman from a country known for gold-diggers, brought her home immediately and started spoiling her with expensive presents I was unimpressed to say the least. They're still together and nothing has happened to change my scepticism. Me and my dad haven't seen each other for months now (although we still talk on phone) because I don't want to meet that woman. Who's my dad gonna cry to when she leaves? Me of course. Family's opinion is important, because they can see clearly while you're all dizzy and seeing everything through a haze. My dad is crazy about his gf and all I could see was a cold, calculating woman who'll use him to settle down here in one of the richest countries in Europe. 1
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