byron3477 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Hope this finds everyone well, wish I could say I felt that way at the moment! I'll apologize in advance for another "woe is me" and "what do I do" post, even when I know the answer is just about obvious. If nothing else, getting the words down is a form of therapy for me and I welcome any encouraging words that anyone might have! I'm coming off a second breakup (we'll call this the first "real" one though) with a girl I've been seeing for about a year. The first one happened a couple months back, but only lasted a few days as we discovered we could work through the issues...or so I thought. More cliche...but I'm absolutely crazy about this girl and think she's really amazing. I can't imagine a time in my life outside of the last year when I've been happier. I truly believe that feeling is rare, and that's why I'm writing this and having such a difficult time, instead of fully committing to moving on. The quick facts: My age: 30 Her age: 23 Me: Live on my own, demanding job She: Lives with dad, an hour away from me and works from home She: Suffers from extreme anxiety, stress etc..will cry about something out of nowhere. Not her fault and in no way an insult..I support her 100% with this and completely empathize. I'll spare some boring/unnecessary details but the way in which she & I met was so pure & amazing, and in a situation where many people were rooting against us. I felt so proud and ecstatic to have her as my own. She was amazingly welcoming and introduced me to friends and family right away, something I so appreciated. I seriously lacked in this area as I live a ways from my original home, but she has met friends along the way. No family yet due to the distance and our schedules, but that is also a poor excuse as I should have made it happen regardless. When we broke a couple months back, it was due to more issues on the surface around bickering via text, something that drove me crazy. She is significantly younger than me, and I've always felt texting can get misinterpreted so easily and would always push and encourage that we pick up the phone and talk. If something seemed off via text, let's call each other and clarify so there aren't any imaginary fights going on! But this is a generational thing I suppose. While like I mentioned this was on the surface, the underlying issues about not having yet met family, etc were certainly there. I left her house after speaking to her and the consensus was that we were done. However, texting for the next couple days led to hanging out led to falling right back into where we were. Not much of a breakup. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, where she went on a trip across the country with her best friend (female, just to be clear!) I made it a point to send some really sweet texts ahead of her trip, as she actually had another short trip to go on as soon as she returned from that one. I would also be traveling for work, so I knew we would be apart for a while. My texts reiterated that the time away would be tough, but we need to be strong for each other and just know we miss each other. Reiterated how I was so excited to do so much more and brings our lives closer together once we both returned home. Things were fine for most of her trip, aside from a couple snafus (again around texting of course), where she felt I was being short with her or was upset with her. Again, I encouraged we pick up the phone and talk and we planned to speak at least once a day. She expressed she was upset we were misunderstanding each other over text, but that everything seemed fine on the phone. She said she wanted to keep working on it together and I agreed I would as well, as any couple should. The majority of texts were so sweet and heartfelt, about how we missed each other so much and couldn't wait to be reunited. The second to last night of her trip, we got into another spat over text. Nothing significant, no name calling, no nastiness etc. Simply one of those "nothing fights" couples have. My mistake was giving in this time, where I had previously been so good about calming her down and letting her know there was no issue, and that we should just talk. I egged it on I can admit, and she said we'd talk the next day. I did apologize and made it clear it was not my intention to fight, and asked her to reassure me we could work through these things but she insisted on speaking the next day. So here I am, broken up again after a phone call the next day from across the country where she ended things. She made it clear her decision wasn't based solely on the previous night, but fact is we'd still be together if that night had gone differently. She also presented a number of other reasons, among them that she didn't feel I was best for her future as she wasn't "obsessed" with me (comparing an abusive ex who she WAS obsessed with but was dumped by). I had also asked her to move in with me, and she felt it was an issue/a sign that she didn't accept the offer. I disagreed, as I feel this is a big decision and not one that needs to be rushed, especially when only dating someone for a year. She also mentioned how she wasn't sure she wanted to put the work into the relationship. Of course I went with the "no relationship is perfect!" defense, but to no avail. She also claimed she felt like she was always "walking on eggshells" with me. I am NOT an angry person and can honestly say I never once even raised my voice to her, but I think this came back to texting. She would interpret my responses as being annoyed or displeased with her. She's ALWAYS lamented how I treat her so well (like "gold" in her own words). I have a great relationship with her dad and am very friendly with her group of friends, I believe they all approved. I am FAR from perfect and I fully acknowledge it. Looking back, I can definitely see where I was being short with her at times. This was a result of my own insecurities..if I felt she wasn't sharing with me enough/letting me know what she was doing. It was my error not revealing that to her (but I guess who wants to admit they're insecure?). She's always been upfront and honest with me about her issues with trust/stress etc. Maybe if I called that out, it would have been understood and such an issue. I broke no contact a couple days after the breakup, asking if we could talk in person and see if we couldn't work things out. She wanted no part of it and seemed even more conflicted/confused than before. I asked for clarity and if there was 100% no chance of us ever being together to which she replied "at this point no and I'm sorry." She also said we both had to take the time now to think, reflect, and move on and that she didn't want to be bothered. She says she knows she'll see me eventually, but right now is too soon. We ended with her begging me to please stop texting her, before I politely wished her the best on her upcoming trip and she acknowledged. It's so sad to think such a great relationship could have ended (even just in part) over texting. Communication is of course key, and I wish I could have been better. We had discussed marriage/family and the like, but at some point I suppose she felt the relationship just wasn't easy enough anymore. It's all the more difficult because I felt our communication had been so much better as of late, always asking "is everything okay baby?" just in general, about work/us/etc, not in a needy or annoying way. Nothing was ever brought up and we always agreed to voice any issues or concerns. I know that 99.9% of people will say move on, especially based on what she's said at this point, and understandably so. It's just such a difficult time right now. At times the answers are so vague, and at others so clear. The absolute hardest thing is having someone you cared about so much seemingly hate you when things were seemingly so great a couple weeks ago. The pain of that is truly unmatched. I haven't contacted her for a week, and am planning on stretching that to 30 days. I don't expect to hear from her, but plan to send a text at that point stating how I feel very strongly that I want to remain close friends and harbor no hostility or ill will. Even though I want her back so badly, I really would take that as a consolation. My only glimmer of hope is her stating that we would see each other eventually, but my outlook is bleak Life is not a movie, but I'm hoping the stars align and she realizes how much the man in front of her truly values and cares for her. I'm also struggling with the fact of being broken up with over the phone from across the country and still wanting this girl back leaves me with zero self respect, or just the guilt of knowing what I could have done better and that it would be worth to salvage. Wondering if anyone here has a similar story with a happy ending. At they very least, thanks for reading and providing an outlet for me to attempt to heal.
Zahara Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 she didn't feel I was best for her future as she wasn't "obsessed" with me (comparing an abusive ex who she WAS obsessed with but was dumped by). This is a HUGE red flag. Along with the communication issues, the anxiety, the immaturity. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Sometimes the rose colored glasses blind us from seeing things for what they truly are -- when a woman is comparing you to an abusive ex, and translates abuse for passion, that is a red flag. I haven't contacted her for a week, and am planning on stretching that to 30 days. I don't expect to hear from her, but plan to send a text at that point stating how I feel very strongly that I want to remain close friends and harbor no hostility or ill will. Even though I want her back so badly, I really would take that as a consolation. Do Not Do This. Respect her wishes to break up. If anything your incessant need to reach out when she is being very clear in her wishes will only push her further away. Chasing a woman that is telling you NO isn't attractive. You will lose your self-respect. When someone ends it with you, it is not your responsibility to win them back. It is theirs. Don't chase but look inward and move on. And your offer to be friends is insincere. 1) you can't be friends with someone you are emotional about 2) you're only offering a friendship to keep your foot in the door 3) a friendship is going to hurt even more You need to accept the break-up and in time with emotional and mental clarity you may start to see things differently and learn from this. You both are not compatible.
Author byron3477 Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 Zahara, Thank you for your words, helpful to have another POV. I should have clarified more but she did indicate she didn't necessarily want to compare the 2 scenarios as they were very different. Of course I don't know all the details of her past relationship and only what she's told me. Perhaps you're right though, the mere fact she brought it up is an issue. You're right, I am emotional about her. I'm just the type of person who struggles with letting go of people who have impacted my life. I'd love to be able to remain close with her dad, but maybe that's just clouded judgement given the state I'm in. Maybe it's all circumstantial but I have seen similar situations work out. Of course I would need to be at the point where her being in another relationship doesn't hurt me. I appreciate your advice and hope you're right. At this point it's extremely difficult to see, but maybe I will one day. I plan on speaking with a professional if my mood remains the same, as I've always struggled with guilt and separation anxiety. Hopefully I can get to the point where I stop blaming myself and realize it's a matter of, as you put it, incompatibility. Just so difficult right now when it seemed so compatible for so long.
Zahara Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 (edited) I should have clarified more but she did indicate she didn't necessarily want to compare the 2 scenarios as they were very different. Of course I don't know all the details of her past relationship and only what she's told me. Perhaps you're right though, the mere fact she brought it up is an issue. I've been in toxic/abusive relationships. And under no circumstance would I ever make any comparisons. The fact that she brought it up and used that as a measuring stick in terms of her "obsession" for you isn't a good sign. You're right, I am emotional about her. I'm just the type of person who struggles with letting go of people who have impacted my life. I'd love to be able to remain close with her dad, but maybe that's just clouded judgement given the state I'm in. Maybe it's all circumstantial but I have seen similar situations work out. Of course I would need to be at the point where her being in another relationship doesn't hurt me. Breakups are painful. You miss them. Your stomach is on constant churn. Your brain hurts. Your body aches. You feel like it's the end of the world. We all have difficulty letting go of those we love but sometimes we are forced to and with no other choice, we have to move on. But grief is natural and healing is a slow process. You are not isolated in your experience as we all have been through it and you will get past it. As for her dad -- maybe when you have reached a level of indifference, you can revisit him again. But for as long as you are emotionally tied to her, it would be best to stay away from triggers. I appreciate your advice and hope you're right. At this point it's extremely difficult to see, but maybe I will one day. I plan on speaking with a professional if my mood remains the same, as I've always struggled with guilt and separation anxiety. Hopefully I can get to the point where I stop blaming myself and realize it's a matter of, as you put it, incompatibility. Just so difficult right now when it seemed so compatible for so long. I know I suffered from abandonment issues and I held onto unhealthy relationships for far too long because of my fears. I was always afraid to let go. Yes, seeing someone will certainly help you. Use this time for yourself. And if she comes back again, hopefully by then you will have some level of emotional and mental clarity in order to make the right choice for yourself. If she doesn't then focus forward and start rebuilding your life. Edited August 16, 2018 by Zahara
Ralph79 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Hello OP, I know you are taking this hard. I know you had your hopes up with this girl . Is it a lost cause to try and win her back? I wouldn't say that. But you have to be 100% objective of things before you decide what to do next. I'm trying to understand the nature of your relationship based on your story. And I have a few observations: When we broke a couple months back, it was due to more issues on the surface around bickering via text, something that drove me crazy. She is significantly younger than me, and I've always felt texting can get misinterpreted so easily and would always push and encourage that we pick up the phone and talk. If something seemed off via text, let's call each other and clarify so there aren't any imaginary fights going on! But this is a generational thing I suppose. While like I mentioned this was on the surface, the underlying issues about not having yet met family, etc were certainly there. I left her house after speaking to her and the consensus was that we were done. However, texting for the next couple days led to hanging out led to falling right back into where we were. Not much of a breakup. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, where she went on a trip across the country with her best friend (female, just to be clear!) I made it a point to send some really sweet texts ahead of her trip, as she actually had another short trip to go on as soon as she returned from that one. I would also be traveling for work, so I knew we would be apart for a while. My texts reiterated that the time away would be tough, but we need to be strong for each other and just know we miss each other. Reiterated how I was so excited to do so much more and brings our lives closer together once we both returned home. Things were fine for most of her trip, aside from a couple snafus (again around texting of course), where she felt I was being short with her or was upset with her. Again, I encouraged we pick up the phone and talk and we planned to speak at least once a day. She expressed she was upset we were misunderstanding each other over text, but that everything seemed fine on the phone. She said she wanted to keep working on it together and I agreed I would as well, as any couple should. The majority of texts were so sweet and heartfelt, about how we missed each other so much and couldn't wait to be reunited. The second to last night of her trip, we got into another spat over text. Nothing significant, no name calling, no nastiness etc. Simply one of those "nothing fights" couples have. My mistake was giving in this time, where I had previously been so good about calming her down and letting her know there was no issue, and that we should just talk. I egged it on I can admit, and she said we'd talk the next day. I did apologize and made it clear it was not my intention to fight, and asked her to reassure me we could work through these things but she insisted on speaking the next day. Yes, carrying on a relationship through texting is definitely a generational thing. I honestly have a weird feeling that this girl was waiting for the right excuse to break up with you. The fact that she constantly misinterpreted your texts tells me that she was looking for anything that could help her start a fight. If she was truly happy with you, she would've looked at all those texts in a positive context. The fact that you had so many fights over them leads me to believe that she didn't have the courage to face problems with you head on. So here I am, broken up again after a phone call the next day from across the country where she ended things. She made it clear her decision wasn't based solely on the previous night, but fact is we'd still be together if that night had gone differently. I know your trying to convince yourself of this to make sense of it all, but TRY to be objective. Look at all the clues. The trip with her friend helped her build the courage to do what she wanted to do for a long time. She also presented a number of other reasons, among them that she didn't feel I was best for her future as she wasn't "obsessed" with me (comparing an abusive ex who she WAS obsessed with but was dumped by). I had also asked her to move in with me, and she felt it was an issue/a sign that she didn't accept the offer. I disagreed, as I feel this is a big decision and not one that needs to be rushed, especially when only dating someone for a year. She also mentioned how she wasn't sure she wanted to put the work into the relationship. Of course I went with the "no relationship is perfect!" defense, but to no avail. She also claimed she felt like she was always "walking on eggshells" with me. I am NOT an angry person and can honestly say I never once even raised my voice to her, but I think this came back to texting. She would interpret my responses as being annoyed or displeased with her. She's ALWAYS lamented how I treat her so well (like "gold" in her own words). She's telling you contradicting statements. Again, she was looking for a way out and just blabbering things that honestly should make you feel insulted. Again, look at things objectively: A) She compared you to her Ex. That is a deal breaker right there. B) She's not sure she wants to put the work into the relationship. Believe me my friend, you don't want to be told more than once that you are not wanted. Things didn't work out. It happens. But you still have your self respect and dignity in tact. Don't do something foolish like beg, or else trust me, you will feel 1000 times WORSE than you do now. I have a great relationship with her dad and am very friendly with her group of friends, I believe they all approved. I am FAR from perfect and I fully acknowledge it. Looking back, I can definitely see where I was being short with her at times. This was a result of my own insecurities..if I felt she wasn't sharing with me enough/letting me know what she was doing. It was my error not revealing that to her (but I guess who wants to admit they're insecure?). She's always been upfront and honest with me about her issues with trust/stress etc. Maybe if I called that out, it would have been understood and such an issue. You may not be perfect, but that is NOT a requirement for a relationship to survive. All of us would be single. You are a human being with qualities and flaws, like the rest of us. If you still want to give this girl another chance, and I get why you would, then the ONLY thing you can do right now is EARN her respect. As of right now you are of ZERO value to her as a partner. You need to convince yourself that you are worth much more and deserve much better treatment than what she gave you at the end. Don't take that kind of mistreatment from anyone and simply brush it off. I broke no contact a couple days after the breakup, asking if we could talk in person and see if we couldn't work things out. She wanted no part of it and seemed even more conflicted/confused than before. I asked for clarity and if there was 100% no chance of us ever being together to which she replied "at this point no and I'm sorry." She also said we both had to take the time now to think, reflect, and move on and that she didn't want to be bothered. She says she knows she'll see me eventually, but right now is too soon. We ended with her begging me to please stop texting her, before I politely wished her the best on her upcoming trip and she acknowledged. It's so sad to think such a great relationship could have ended (even just in part) over texting. Communication is of course key, and I wish I could have been better. We had discussed marriage/family and the like, but at some point I suppose she felt the relationship just wasn't easy enough anymore. It's all the more difficult because I felt our communication had been so much better as of late, always asking "is everything okay baby?" just in general, about work/us/etc, not in a needy or annoying way. Nothing was ever brought up and we always agreed to voice any issues or concerns. I know that 99.9% of people will say move on, especially based on what she's said at this point, and understandably so. It's just such a difficult time right now. At times the answers are so vague, and at others so clear. The absolute hardest thing is having someone you cared about so much seemingly hate you when things were seemingly so great a couple weeks ago. The pain of that is truly unmatched. I haven't contacted her for a week, and am planning on stretching that to 30 days. I don't expect to hear from her, but plan to send a text at that point stating how I feel very strongly that I want to remain close friends and harbor no hostility or ill will. Even though I want her back so badly, I really would take that as a consolation. My only glimmer of hope is her stating that we would see each other eventually, but my outlook is bleak Life is not a movie, but I'm hoping the stars align and she realizes how much the man in front of her truly values and cares for her. I'm also struggling with the fact of being broken up with over the phone from across the country and still wanting this girl back leaves me with zero self respect, or just the guilt of knowing what I could have done better and that it would be worth to salvage. Wondering if anyone here has a similar story with a happy ending. At they very least, thanks for reading and providing an outlet for me to attempt to heal. 1) The relationship was great for you. Based on the fact that she had an Ex that she was obsessed about, it probably stopped being great for her a long time ago if she still brought him up at the end. 2) She doesn't hate you. She hates herself for not having the courage to end this relationship a long time ago. She doesn't want to even see you, because she doesn't want to risk taking you back out of pity. 3) If you don't want to feel like a complete total TOOL, do NOT text her that you want to remain friends. I totally agree with Zahara's advice. You have SOME shred of dignity still left. Believe me, it's IMMENSELY valuable . You can still walk out of this with your head held high , and even though things didn't work out with this "dream girl" of yours, believe me, subjecting yourself to further humiliation will setback your recovery by many MANY MONTHS. You asked for a happy ending. Is getting this girl back under these circumstances really the happy ending you are looking for? Forget about this girl for the time being. A possible reconciliation with her is something that for the time being is completely out of your control. Instead, take this time to focus on yourself. If this girl does come back, for your sake, she has to do so out of respect. She has to grasp how valuable you really were in her life. And please, if she does come back within 30 days, turn her down. For your sake. Trust me, after what she put you through, you need to turn the tables on her and make her wait for you. Otherwise, the problems between you two will continue. You have to me more assertive next time and PLEASE stop living your relationship through texts. Cheers Bud. 1
MountainGirl111 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 You say she suffers from extreme anxiety and stress. This could be part of the problem. In this age of digital communication there a lot of snares. In fact things can so easily be misconstrued and misinterpreted. She's very young. Sounds like you might be more mature than she is. I think it's good that you wanted to talk to her on the phone more instead of just texting. IMO: Texting just doesn't cut. It's not a good way to really get to know someone; especially romantically. You admit you were short with her and I'm wondering what kinds of things you said to her when you were short. If she gets stressed out easily, her emotions could be on the brink of becoming frazzled easily. So, you can take a look at how you communicate and "bicker". Some people can bicker and argue and just blow it off as another form of communicating. But some people don't like bickering...it may have something to do with how she was raised; whether her parents bickered a lot and she grew to hate it. I don't know. These are just some things you could explore. It sounds like you are in love with her....and that's fine, but consider this: Do you really want to be with someone who has "extreme anxiety"? You were in in the fairly early romantic phase of the relationship....but as time goes on and you spend more time with a person who is always anxious that could get old.
Author byron3477 Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 (edited) Zahara - thank you again for your encouraging and helpful words, means a lot right now Ralph - thanks for digging deep and for all your input. I do agree with your observation that she was waiting to do this. She made the comment multiple times that the breakup wasn't a result of that one fateful night, and that "honestly this probably would have happened anyway," or something to that effect. I would agree she didn't have the courage based on the "eggshell" comment. Where I am SO confused is how her communication had typically been so sweet & kind. Constantly telling me she missed me, that she couldn't wait to come home to see me next. Coincidentally enough, her older sister was dumped by her BF about two weeks earlier. She was so sad for her because the BF wouldn't even talk to her sister or see her. We vowed that would never happen to us no matter what, and that we would always work through any issues. I guess that means nothing now, but it's just very confusing and seems almost manipulative. Maybe she was just dancing around that particular thing, but sending loving messages unprovoked doesn't exactly suggest that things are on the rocks. I also completely see your point about comparing me to the ex. I guess her point wasn't that she still had any feelings for him, but that she felt obsessed with him in a way she wants to feel obsessed about the person she wants to end up with. Still I can see where I should be pissed about that comment. I hear you on needing to respect myself more. I do and I agree. And maybe that's where I should have it end. However I feel that my lack of attention to one key issue really drove everything from the start. She always made a huge deal about meeting my family and friends. She was never accepted by her ex's family and this was a huge deal to her. She brought it up multiple times and I admittedly continued to drag my feet. She invited me to so many family events and introduced me to everyone in her life, and she really met hardly anyone in my life. Again it was really based on schedules, but that's no excuse and I should have made it happen. I truly believe if that happened and she felt a sense of acceptance in that regard, things would have been different and she would have felt more security from the start. As you can see I'm clearly struggling with the push/pull of taking blame and putting the blame on her for it ending. I appreciate your advice and do realize if I follow it, she is indeed gone forever. She's not coming back or reaching out, but maybe that's for the best. And trust me, I tried to do everything I could to NOT live through texts, she just always saw that as the primary form of communication where I preferred to talk. MountainGirl - Thanks for your reply. She does suffer from anxiety to the point where she is "sad but doesn't know why." When I was "short" with her I mean just that in terms of my responses to her texts...ie one or two words, not going into much detail etc. I own that as there were definitely times where I would be annoyed, and would go this route instead of addressing the issue. Probably not the best practice. She certainly does get frazzled and stressed VERY easily. And she definitely didn't like fighting or bickering. Her parents had a rough relationship, and her mother left when she was very young after becoming addicted to drugs. I completely empathized with this and supported her 100%, even went to visit her mom in Florida with her. I always tried to be incredibly strong for her and let her know how proud I was of her for living and continuing to live through that, I could never imagine being in that situation. I see what you mean about it getting old, but in my opinion if you love someone you support them in all their flaws & imperfections. And, maybe therein lies the issue...that she's not willing to do the same for me. Maybe one day when she's older & more mature, she'll realize how much I truly cared for her and supported her no matter what. I guess that might be the point at which she would come back, and I would have to consider if it were too late. Thank you all so much again...I'm amazed at your willingness to help out a stranger, and hearing all the feedback and being able to bounce things off others really helps a lot Edited August 16, 2018 by byron3477
Gretchen12 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Trying what? She left you with no choice. No matter how great the relationship was for you, it was not good enough for her to stay. And it takes two willing participants. She won't even let you contact her. There are times when you can fight for a girl. But this girl won't let you have that chance. You will have to wait. If she's the love of your life, you can wait 3 years. I'm not saying you should just sit around and wait 3 years but it is one option for you. The "move on" options is a struggle as well. Those are your only choices. Can you post 1 or 2 examples of texts you sent that she didn't like? If you get an outside perspective that might help you improve if/when she comes back or you start relationship with someone new.
Ralph79 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 (edited) Where I am SO confused is how her communication had typically been so sweet & kind. Constantly telling me she missed me, that she couldn't wait to come home to see me next. Unfortunately people do strange unpredictable things. If I tried to explain her behavior with as little knowledge I have about her, I could guess that she was simply "going through the motions" of what a partner says in a relationship without really meaning them. If she really felt that way about you, she wouldn't have broken up with you the way she did. We vowed that would never happen to us no matter what, and that we would always work through any issues. I guess that means nothing now, but it's just very confusing and seems almost manipulative. Do NOT forget this if she does come back. I also completely see your point about comparing me to the ex. I guess her point wasn't that she still had any feelings for him, but that she felt obsessed with him in a way she wants to feel obsessed about the person she wants to end up with. Still I can see where I should be pissed about that comment. Don't overthink this. I'll simplify this for you: She doesn't know what she wants right now. The only thing she does know is that she doesn't want you in the picture for the time being. I hear you on needing to respect myself more. I do and I agree. And maybe that's where I should have it end. However I feel that my lack of attention to one key issue really drove everything from the start. She always made a huge deal about meeting my family and friends. She was never accepted by her ex's family and this was a huge deal to her. She brought it up multiple times and I admittedly continued to drag my feet. She invited me to so many family events and introduced me to everyone in her life, and she really met hardly anyone in my life. Again it was really based on schedules, but that's no excuse and I should have made it happen. I truly believe if that happened and she felt a sense of acceptance in that regard, things would have been different and she would have felt more security from the start. As you can see I'm clearly struggling with the push/pull of taking blame and putting the blame on her for it ending. This is why I wanted to reply more than anything. It's easy to start trying to rationalize blame on ourselves or on a particular issue regarding our breakups. Why do we do that? It's a complicated answer. I personally think it's because that by placing blame on ourselves we accept the illusion that things happen for a reason that was under our control. Because right now, you need to regain control of your life. The reality is that you've lost objectivity. You say that she never got over the fact that you never openly introduced her to your family. What if you are not close to your family? What if your family didn't even care about meeting her? Those are factors that are out of your control, and although being accepted into your partners family is an important step in a relationship, we KNOW that there are MANY factors out of our partners control when it comes to their relatives. For her to hold this against you is unfair. But I can see why you would think this was the issue that snowballed into your breakup. It wasn't. I'm trying to help you be objective and more importantly I want to tell you to go easy on yourself regarding blame. I'm sure you make some mistakes, but nothing you shared was a deal breaker in my opinion. Edited August 16, 2018 by Ralph79 1
MountainGirl111 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 And trust me, I tried to do everything I could to NOT live through texts, she just always saw that as the primary form of communication where I preferred to talk. MountainGirl - Thanks for your reply. She does suffer from anxiety to the point where she is "sad but doesn't know why." When I was "short" with her I mean just that in terms of my responses to her texts...ie one or two words, not going into much detail etc. I own that as there were definitely times where I would be annoyed, and would go this route instead of addressing the issue. Probably not the best practice. She certainly does get frazzled and stressed VERY easily. And she definitely didn't like fighting or bickering. Her parents had a rough relationship, and her mother left when she was very young after becoming addicted to drugs. I completely empathized with this and supported her 100%, even went to visit her mom in Florida with her. I always tried to be incredibly strong for her and let her know how proud I was of her for living and continuing to live through that, I could never imagine being in that situation. I see what you mean about it getting old, but in my opinion if you love someone you support them in all their flaws & imperfections. And, maybe therein lies the issue...that she's not willing to do the same for me. Maybe one day when she's older & more mature, she'll realize how much I truly cared for her and supported her no matter what. I guess that might be the point at which she would come back, and I would have to consider if it were too late. Thank you all so much again...I'm amazed at your willingness to help out a stranger, and hearing all the feedback and being able to bounce things off others really helps a lot God bless you for loving and supporting her as much as you have...it's shame if she doesn't appreciate it! Well, maybe she does appreciate but doesn't let you know it well enough. Well, she definitely has issues and trauma from her childhood. Nothing you can do about that. She needs to face those issues and get professional help if she hasn't already. Addict mother left her>>>>>>>serious abandonment issues there. She's "sad but doesn't know why". That's a really icky way to feel! That sounds like depression. Anxiety can be a symptom of depression. With anxiety a person just feels like their world is "not quite right". And that's feels like yuck. With anxiety they most always "on edge", keyed up and that's hard to live with all the time. You want to say, "Calm down". But saying that doesn't help and sometimes just gets them agitated and they take it wrong, when the fact is they really DO need to calm down. Sadly, people who carry over abandonment issues from childhood sort of get into fatalistic thinking....they assume anyone they really love will abandon them too...and they start to play that out. I have sneaky suspicion this is partly her MO. She's actually AFRAID you will abandon her....and I know that's not your fault... 1
Author byron3477 Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 Gretchen see below...bold print is her. Just an example but as you can see everything got blown into a huge issue over text. There’s no service here! Especially at her house it straight up says no service just wifi works So weird ☹ Passing hotel indigo now! All over Indigo It was fun with ya Home babe! Miss you☹ Miss ya Watcha doing! Christina is blowing up my phone again complaining haha I cant Going to olive garden haha! Have fun! Heading to bed in a few ☹ I miss you Miss you About to get din now! Can you text me when you go to bed & when you wake up plzzz Okay! Text me what you’re doing? Shortie! I will! Were just getting din then heading home! Am not how! Yea but can you still let me know! Read back Obviously babe I always do! You’re shortie! But I’m not at all! I Fecetimed you because I wanted to talk! Yea finally! Haha You never called me either babe! Youre the one awayyy That doesn’t matter? Should be a two way street I dunno I always call when I’m away that’s all! No biggie And you should just call me when you want to talk? And I always call you too? Yes I just thought you were busy! Like idk where this is coming from Yeah but you could have called last night too and you didn’t? Like it works both ways babe Stop nothing is wrong! Remember no text stuff! Well youre being a weirdyy and I don’t want to continue bickering with you Haha how? Nobody is bickering Yes huh! Idk why I just want to talk to you! Just got here! Im not at all! I didn’t call because you seemed busy and whenever I call and youre busy you say you have to go So if ya wanted me to call you can just say that, that’s all! But Im goin to bed goodnight and Ill talk to ya tomorrow! Ughhh now were fighting again I never say Im busy! You could have tried like who cares call when you want and if I’m busy, I’m busy and vice versa It never used to be like this You always just wanted to talk and were never short Haha nobody is fighting! You promised you wouldn’t do this! No interpreting texts until we talk!I think you want to fight! No Not at all Just read back how you’ve been talking Youre just so short with me I do always want to! When have I been short! Read your texts omg I facetimes you because I want to talk to you Like idk why Im such a bad person And I talked to you because I wanted to When I ask you to call me Youre not a bad person what are you saying! Stop you promised! Call me and well figure this out we promised no interpreting things over text! [/b]Im sitting at the dinner table[/b] Not now! I mean tomorrow All Im saying is don’t blame me for not calling? Like I called If you want to talk to me you will that’s it I don’t blame you for a thing! You cant blame me for not calling you? Like I did I didn’t blame you for anything what are you even saying! Im so confused haha Forget it Im just sad that we haven’t talked Me too you were doing fun stuff all day and if youre mad I didn’t call I thought I would been bothering you! That’s all don’t make it a fight im not mad but are you? That’s not what Im saying Im just saying don’t be mad at me for being busy if you didn’t try to call But Im not mad! But im sitting at the table right now so I gotta go but can we talk tomorrow Ill text you when were home babe! I never said I was mad! Omg ok have fun! Night night I like you ☹ Miss you babe Like you and just miss you lets make it through okay? We miss each other that’s all! We cant let it turn bad or into a fight I just want you to come home! We are fine we will always be fine hun! Okay babe that’s all I want too I miss you and cant wait to see ya next! Please please just promise me youll pick up the phone and call me if youre ever feeling like this! Its really important to me! Because if not then it makes it seem like were fighting when we really aren’t! I know sometimes we cant talk being out but whenever this happens please just promise! Ok well Im going to bed. But its really a big deal for me that we do that moving forward…because when you think Im being short or different and Im not trying to be, or when you think Im mad and Im not and its all over text its just ridiculous! Like we said from day one call out when theres an issue so just pick up the phone. So much gets misinterpreted over text so don’t say “it never used to be like this” nothing has changed and everything is fine so lets promise that to each other! Okay babe! I just get sad because everything was fine on the phone then all day you’ve just been short and I just don’t want it to be like this while im gone ☹ I miss you so much Ugh I miss you heading home babe Going to bed super early tonight Just got home babe Im missing you a lot and sad that we are misunderstanding each other but hopefully from here on out we can get better at working together and talking about it! Missing you a bunch and hope you sleep good! Text me when you’re up okay? Night babe!
Author byron3477 Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 Ralph and MountainGirl, thanks for the additional comments. I do completely understand she wants to be left alone right now, and that per everyone's advice I shouldn't be the one to reach out. Where we left it was me coming off as needy, which I'm not comfortable with. I wonder if it would be a good idea to reach out post 30 days, just to see if we can get together to simply catch up. I can honestly say I wouldn't have any expectations at that point. And stop me if now I'M being to selfish, but I would want to leave it in a different place... To Ralph's point, I would want to let her know that I've always been there for her, and I just want her to know that. And to MountainGirl's point, to make it clear that I know why she suffers from these issues but that I would NOT abandon her. I don't know, maybe that's just me desire to be self serving and leave it in a place of power vs neediness. Maybe I'm just trying to "win" the breakup. I wouldn't want to open myself up for more disappointment either.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Byron: I can't see where you went wrong with the texting. And, it seems as though she was the one that wanted to text more, while you preferred talking on the phone. So, what is a guy supposed to do? One thing to be aware of is that you are 30 and she is 23 and that seven years is not a HUGE age difference...but a 23 year old has a lot to learn yet and should be coming to terms with any childhood traumas/issues. I think you've been VERY patient with her, which tells me you love her because love IS patient. My concern for you is if you feel like you've been in a place of doing more of the giving...and that can leave a person feeling robbed...I don't know if there is any such thing a "winning" a break up. It hurts for both people. I'm sorry for your pain and FRUSTRATION....it is SOOOO frustrating when you try to get something through to someone and you feel like you're beating your head against the wall! Very frustrating.
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 This is the 2nd time you have broken up. That is a huge red flag to me. I have been married for 10 years, together with my husband for 12 total. We have never broken up. Relationship before that 2+ years, 1 break up. Relationship before that together 10+ years, one break up. Do you see where I am going with this? Break ups are serious. The break up / make up cycle is a sign of dysfunction & indicative of poor conflict resolution skills. In addition you said something about "nothing fights that all couples have." See above. I have never had a nothing fight with one of those men. My husband & I had one fight when we were dating; he apologized about 4 hours later. We had a doozy of a fight about a year into our marriage about priorities; he had abandoned me to help another woman & I was furious. We have disagreed but there have never been petty fights. We always worked toward a compromise. There was no bickering with the other guys either. The 2 year relationship had a big fight one night when the guy got drunk, depressed & suicidal. After that as a condition of staying together he had to be in therapy & on meds. The other 10 year relationship we had a few fights about the nature of marriage & what it means to be family; eventually when we could not reconcile our differences of opinion on that subject it contributed to our demise. On top of the above cracks in the foundation of your relationship you two seem to have most of your disagreements about & through text. You cannot conduct a relationship through that medium. It should be used for quick messages: "pick up milk" "I love you" or "call me." If you need more then 2 sentences use the voice feature.
Author byron3477 Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 Donnivian: thank you and I completely agree! Again I can be critical of myself plenty, but my ex is a VERY anxious person and very difficult to "talk off the ledge" once she has made her mind up about something. Everybody is different but I really struggle to calm her down and get her to try to think rationally! Just another form of trying to support her for exactly who she is. Totally agree on texts, but I feel at her age it's viewed as so much more. Another side note: something most frustrating is that she would always apologize for being "difficult" or "so hard to deal with," like she knew the way she was and could understand it wasn't always a walk in the park. I can't help but wonder, if I had vocalized more of the insecurities/issues I had, would this have helped? Maybe she felt something was off but couldn't pinpoint it, and was confused that I claimed I couldn't either. Maybe she would have supported me with those issues, maybe not.
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Although you had some good times together & she's not a bad person, this might be one of those things where you are just fundamentally incompatible. I know I wasn't "relationship material" at age 23. I was too busy having fun to be serious. Lick your wounds. Mourn the loss of your relationship & then let it go.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 One sad thing about people with unresolved abandonment issues is that there is deep-seated fear of being abandoned again and again. And, that explains some of their behaviors as well as how they can read something negative into something that wasn't meant to be negative at all. Now, people don't mind being abandoned by people they don't have strong feelings for. But they hate the thought of being abandoned by people they love and trust...in her case...her own mother...that leaves an incredible scar....and she really needs to address this issue and get to the bottom of it or she is going to repeat this pattern her whole life. So then, how does a person overcome the fear of abandonment? They need to somehow come to a point of realizing that all human relationships have limits, realistically and one cannot get all the their needs for love and attention met through other people....they need to come to a point in which they are OKAY alone and that the most important relationship is the one with yourself; irregardless of anyone else. They need to come to a point in which they realize they are VERY capable of being happy alone.
Author byron3477 Posted August 17, 2018 Author Posted August 17, 2018 MountainGirl: Thanks so much again. You make some amazing points here. Maybe I just don't want to admit that this girl is completely void of romantic feelings for me all of a sudden, or that she is interested in someone else. While that very may well be the case, I'm not sure if I buy it at this particular point. Her stress, anxiety & sadness is something I mentioned before that I always worked to support her with. It wouldn't anger me when she got sad, just confuse me. I would always ask if everything was okay and if there was anything I could do to help, but it was rarely ever an issue between us causing the emotion. Unless she just didn't want to say so. It was typically that she was "always sad and sick of being sad, and not knowing why." I worked my best to never initiate or amplify those feelings, but of course I'm not perfect either. There was always sadness around her job, her family, etc. And for sure sometimes around me too, but I can very confidently say I was not the source of her almost constant sadness, I don't see how I could have been. Whenever I would bring up speaking to someone about it or getting help/medication, she would get upset. What else can I do, right? It seems clear that the "fighting all the time" could have been the catalyst here, as a result of things being too read into in a negative way. Perhaps the hypersensitivity to "fighting" makes her feel we can never work since we do so much of it in her opinion. Earlier in the relationship she would always be so thankful of the support I gave her. Maybe the expectation was that I would go even more above & beyond in that regard, but I really did the best I could. It just really hurts that whenever she would have these episodes she would cry and say "I'm just so afraid to lose you because I'm like this." Maybe reassuring her I wouldn't leave made me expendable vs desired, but I see no need to play games vs telling someone you'll always be there. Maybe I was reduced to being seen as a source of her sadness that could be afforded to be cut out. Can't quit the job, can't pick your family, but can pick the guy. In my initial attempts to reach out, she did reiterate that she needed to do what's best for her and that was to "be alone." That was another reason given for the breakup, that she needed to be on her own for now. But now being told there's no chance we'll ever be together, I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I guess my only hope is that she'll realize what she's lost, but she's not at all the type to reconsider something in her mind once she's made a decision she believes to be best.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 18, 2018 Posted August 18, 2018 Byron: It sounds like you have been VERY patient with her, so give yourself some slack. If she doesn't wake up and realize how true you've been to her that would be very sad. I hope it works out for you guys. Take care.
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