ryanjcartwright Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 So me and my girlfriend starting being together since around early January. We both do Japanese at university and we both have our study abroad year in Japan which starts in a week or so. To keep chronological, when we first started being together, she was still with her boyfriend in Spain for a few days until she broke up with him a few days later. Putting long story short, over time I realised something wasn't right, she was being protective of who she was messaging, and she didn't want to tell me because she knew it would be painful to me. I told her I prefer the truth, even if it hurts. She eventually told me that she is poly-amarous and she still has feelings for her ex. Since then, I have been constantly thinking about it, sometimes worse than others. Recently, I have come back to England from my holiday in Spain with her and she is in Spain. We have had many conversations of me crying and becoming upset at the situation. The seemingly unescapable problem is that I love her and she loves me. I want to stay with her. I see only 2 options: 1. We stay together, and I suffer because of the situation, and that makes her sad too. She feels really bad at the situation but she can't help her natural emotions. I have said I'll try to accept it over time and try to come to terms with it, with little success. I can't just force my emotions to change, whenever I have, it makes it worse. I've tried to keep it in, and that didn't work either. She said not to do that as it is not good for either of us. 2. We break up and that makes us both sad. We both don't know what the difference will be if we break up because we care about each other and are best friends. In Japan, we would most likely want to see each other as much as possible even if we 'broke up'. I want to stay with her anyway. I don't know what that would really accomplish, rather than maybe speaking to her less, which I don't wannt to do that. She has had a rough past couple of years with relationships, with friends too, we don't want to separate too much. We had a talk the other day and the similar conversation brings up that she wants to be relieved (of both me and her ex). She said she isn't looking for a 'boyfriend' as such and not really sex either. The latter, I feel like she hasn't initiated and/or wasn't as natural as earlier in the relationship. For example, I have said when I am with her in Japan, I suggested somewhere with privacy and she was not evem slightly interested in having privacy, saying ''For what?''. I am not too bothered about that side of the relationship but it plays a part of the bigger picture. Her relief, especially in Japan, we both don't know what it consists of. After my holiday with her at her house, I was borrowing her old phone due to mine being faulty. When I bought a new phone myself, I was changing the email back from mine to hers. I noticed an airbnb reservation to Barcelona. I noticed that she was going with her ex. She said she was going with a friend. A lot of the time, she refers to most of her friends as 'a friend', like she is trying to cover up when she actually is seeing him and it is usual for her to say 'meeting a friend', when I ask her what she is doing. In Barcelona, she is going to pick her visa for Japan, but she is staying with her ex for 2 nights. She said that it is her time of the month so I shouldn't worry about it too much, but it's not that I'm worried about, it's just generally being with him and the potential for intimacy. I wouldn't call myself a jealous person, she said that about me too, I can't fully explain how I feel. In this talk the other day, I said ''Would another boyfriend be the solution?'' and she said 'Possibly yeah.''. Whenever she is with him or talking to him, trying to cover it up (for my sake), I just feel wrong. I can't blame her ex 100% either because they both love each other too. Except from comparing the other day (in this conversation that we had which was until like 3 in the morning), I don't generally compare myself to him, like I feel inferior or superior or anything. We both don't think I am being possessive and she said she doesn't feel annoyed when I message her. It is my first proper relationship even though it started when I was 19. I don't have the experience to know what to do. She said she is sorry a lot of the time to put me in this situation, especially it being my first proper relationship but I don't accept that sorry because it is not her fault, it is just her natural emotions that she can't help. In Japan, we are quite far away from each other, from Edinburgh to London, far away. We both are heavily looking forward to the year. She wants this relief and we both want new experiences, which I am sure we will receive in Japan. She will be living at a homestay, at least for the first 6 months so whenever I want to see her overnight, I will need to book a cheap accommodation. Similar with her for me (I am living with someone else in my room). Our relationship was unique, in that we stayed together a lot of the time together, especially from Febuary to June. I stayed at her uni accommodation most nights at one point. We were glad to separate for a little for our personal and relationship health, when I came back to England. She, especially recently, has been very stressed out about relationships, friendships, family and Japan, on particular the short amount of time to sort things out before we go. We go together in Japan and stay a few days together before she leaves to go to her uni down south. I have summmarised the main points of my problem which again, seems unescapable. We both don't know what to do. I would be extremely grateful for any help. I love her a lot. We both have said to each other that we mean a lot to each other. And we don't want to leave each others' lives, in any way.
Zahara Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 (edited) S It is my first proper relationship even though it started when I was 19. This is not your first proper relationship. This is your first attempt at a relationship and unfortunately, you've attached yourself to a woman that does not want to commit to you. You are the rebound. You met her when she was with her boyfriend. Then she broke up. Then she went back to her boyfriend. You're the crutch that she needed during the mess with her boyfriend. The reality is that she will be sleeping with this guy (forget that it is her time of the month -- that was BS she spewed just to soothe your worrying mind). They have a relationship and she is going to continue doing what she wants to do. Accept that they will be doing what two people who love each other do. You both are still young and the chances of a relationship at this stage in your life having long term staying power is slim, added with the fact that she's still in love with her ex, and treats you like a fallback is indicative that this is never going to work. She's young and she is going to keep exploring. You both are not compatible in this situation. You both want different things. If you can accept that she is polyamorous (I only think she said that to shut you up and justify her need to be with her ex and you ate it up) then understand that she may move on to another guy if her ex isn't the picture anymore. You're always going to be second fiddle. Break-ups are difficult. I've been there more times than I care to remember, and leaving someone you have a connection with is difficult. But you cannot stay if it tears at your self-esteem. Your emotional and mental wellbeing isn't worth damaging. Break-ups hurt. Don't stay in a bad situation because you are afraid of what's ahead. When someone cares and loves you, it should feel good. When it feels bad, then you have your answer. Edited August 16, 2018 by Zahara 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 OP, this is barely a relationship. It was over before it really even started. She is not polyamorous if she's kept her dates with her ex a secret, either. She was just never over him and she was apparently hoping she could fool you. I don't buy for one moment that it was her time of the month so she didn't sleep with him. Yeah, right. This girl is so full of equine manure. You two need to break up and not try to be best buddies afterward either. She is just not that into you, my friend, and this is not what love feels like. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 Although breaking up is painful, once you cut ties with her you will be free to find a new GF who will love you & only you. Staying with your GF will simply be painful every day with no end.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 OP: This is no quality way to live, friend. I think you need to break yourself free and have true liberty in life to become a person who can be-filled with joy. This girl is dragging you down...she may not be doing it deliberately, but she is. Life is too darn short. Live it! Truly live it. As long as you are attached to her you won't be able to embrace life fully.
Versacehottie Posted August 18, 2018 Posted August 18, 2018 This is not your first proper relationship. This is your first attempt at a relationship and unfortunately, you've attached yourself to a woman that does not want to commit to you. You are the rebound. You met her when she was with her boyfriend. Then she broke up. Then she went back to her boyfriend. You're the crutch that she needed during the mess with her boyfriend. The reality is that she will be sleeping with this guy (forget that it is her time of the month -- that was BS she spewed just to soothe your worrying mind). They have a relationship and she is going to continue doing what she wants to do. Accept that they will be doing what two people who love each other do. You both are still young and the chances of a relationship at this stage in your life having long term staying power is slim, added with the fact that she's still in love with her ex, and treats you like a fallback is indicative that this is never going to work. She's young and she is going to keep exploring. You both are not compatible in this situation. You both want different things. If you can accept that she is polyamorous (I only think she said that to shut you up and justify her need to be with her ex and you ate it up) then understand that she may move on to another guy if her ex isn't the picture anymore. You're always going to be second fiddle. Break-ups are difficult. I've been there more times than I care to remember, and leaving someone you have a connection with is difficult. But you cannot stay if it tears at your self-esteem. Your emotional and mental wellbeing isn't worth damaging. Break-ups hurt. Don't stay in a bad situation because you are afraid of what's ahead. When someone cares and loves you, it should feel good. When it feels bad, then you have your answer. One of the truest things ever said on here...
Exformer Posted August 18, 2018 Posted August 18, 2018 The seemingly unescapable problem is that I love her and she loves me. I want to stay with her. This is not inescapable, you just don't want to escape. You can easily escape by not staying with her. Staying with her isn't even what you really want. What you want is for her to act and feel differently than she does, to convert to the ideal image you want her to be. That's not possible. You're attached, and I get it. This is your first real relationship and you've put all of these expectations on the relationship that you can't achieve. You see it as inescapable love, and unique in how close you were in the beginning...it's not and you weren't. But you're staying because of fear, not because of love. You're afraid that you're giving up on a great love and you've never found a girl to be with like this before, so you question whether you can again. But you don't love this girl. you don't love what she's done to you. You don't love her dating another guy. You don't love that she considers dropping both you and this other guy and possible dating a different guy. She's told you what she wants, and that isn't you. She may tell you that she loves you...because that keeps you giving her attention, but she shows you anything but love. She wants to keep you at arms length because she enjoys the benefits of having someone so enamored with her, but she's interested in other guys. She's talking about not having sex and committing to a relationship... that doesn't make you a boyfriend. That makes you a "friend," and not even the good kind with benefits. Which leaves you orbiting her, hoping for a way to more...there's isn't one. So, she'll keep on taking without ever giving anything in return. The longer you stay, the sadder and more beaten you'll feel. It's tough and heartbreaking, but the sooner you drop her, the less you'll hurt and the sooner you'll find someone worth your time and effort.
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2018 Posted August 18, 2018 Who said you had to give her up? You don't have to. You can still enjoy her while you enjoy other girls at the same time. Just keep your relaiotnship open. Then down the road you both can decide whether to be monogamous or not. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 Who said you had to give her up? You don't have to. You can still enjoy her while you enjoy other girls at the same time. Just keep your relaiotnship open. Then down the road you both can decide whether to be monogamous or not. i agree with this. I think you would have to dial down the intensity, basically put "what could be on pause"". It might be less hurtful for both of you or one or the other to decide to revisit dating, being bf/gf after your time apart is up and have little contact in between. It doesn't have to mean "NEVER", it can mean just "NOT NOW". I actually think some time apart could help your real feelings for each other emerge whereas now they honestly seem a little overeager and infatuation-based. Good luck 2
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