am291x Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 TLDR: LDR of 3.5years, 2weeks from today she comes to the Uni I’m a Junior at and it was our dream to be together finally. LDR exhaustion has been causing issues for a year now and had a bad fight and breakup in June. I let be for the next 2months since it would still be a Long-distance, and I decided to work on myself, do some soul-searching and be better in terms of the issues she had with me. A week ago I went back to her, she told me she won’t be in a relationship whatsoever cz she doesnt want to be bound to someone, and she doesn’t love me anymore for her to make me an exception to that. I begged,pleaded. Nothing worked. I love her more than anything and would do anything to make things work, but idk what can I do anymore. I feel guilty for making someone who talked about forever with me not love me anymore, that somehow all of it is my fault. 2weeks from now, Im gonna see her at uni;where we were supposed to be together. Its killing me, I can't stop crying. What do I do? If possible please also read last section atleast, if not the full version. ----------------------------------------------------- Been together for 3.5 years, it was Long-distance relationship meeting only couple times a year but it was the best thing ever. At the end of this August however, she is coming to the Uni I’m a Junior at and that is something we’ve spent all this time looking forward to, and I have dreaming about. A year ago we started having issues; much of it was exhaustion due to the LDR. She was entering a new phase in her life and she didn’t feel inclined and want to make the same time she used to. I had trouble dealing with being neglected. She left in October telling me she didn’t feel the same way she did about me and she needed to figure it out. It was a breakup, came back in January and said she wanted to be with me and nothing else mattered. We both worked on stuff but on different times, never the same. And honestly, she never communicated the issues that she had with me properly or helped me with them. By April she had more or less given up. I spent the next 2 months where she had exams, trying my best to do everything I could, to love, be there etc. She paid no attention to us in the week long breaks between exams, even after her exams ended she paid no attention to us and mostly made excuses on how she wanted to have fun after being free, and even went as far as telling me talking to me was boring, like an interview. I was going through a bad phase in my life with issues with my dad, employment and her not being there for me, which I expected(was it unfair?), took a toll on me. I got frustrated and ranted at her for taking me for granted and not being there for me, she took offense to the way I said all of it and my complaining and broke up. I spent the next 3 weeks angry, just angry because of the phase I was in. Once that went away, I decided to work on myself, realize the issues that were; read old conversations and try to be have a life other than her. 6weeks into it. I go back to her(7days ago). Mention and apologize for each and everything wrong that I did, accept it. And Ask her to give me one more chance to fix things and makeup for everything. For her to be with me. She refused. According to her she is done with relationships, won’t be in one whatsoever. She doesn’t want to be “Bound” to anyone, wants to live a normal life where she can do what she want and not have to talk to someone when she’s not in the mood etc etc. And she doesn’t love me now to make an exception for me in it, she only cares for me because she has known me for 3 years now and wishes me well. I begged, I pleaded(I know I shouldnt have) but Nothing worked and she only asked me to stop because I can’t convince her to be with me or love me. I tried for an entire day but nothing worked and I just gave up ultimately. ---------------------------- I am broken. Its been a week and I can’t stop crying my eyes out. I love her more than anything and there’s nothing I won’t do to fix things and give her the relationship she wants. This is such a tragedy, 3.5 years of LDR and right before it was gonna be real it just ends beyond repair. I can not stop feeling like everything is on me; the person who I love more than anything doesn’t love me anymore; all thanks to myself. It was perfect(well not really but it was gonna be when she came to my uni, we would be together finally) and I kept wanting more, I kept asking for more from her, complaining etc, and I pushed her away. She had already left and came back once, her feelings were on the edge and I just pushed them away. IM BROKEN, and I feel guilty that all of it is my doing. And the worst part, 2weeks from today I have to see her in the place I always dreamt of being with her at, there; but not with me and not mine. I keep hoping for a miracle, for her to have a change of heart. But I tried and said everything that day; nothing worked. All I got was a NO and I won’t be with you anymore. MY heart aches. I can’t stop feeling guilty. I can’t stop crying. I need advice, ALL that I can get. Please help me.
Angels_heart Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 TLDR: ---------------------------- I am broken. Its been a week and I can’t stop crying my eyes out. I love her more than anything and there’s nothing I won’t do to fix things and give her the relationship she wants. This is such a tragedy, 3.5 years of LDR and right before it was gonna be real it just ends beyond repair. I can not stop feeling like everything is on me; the person who I love more than anything doesn’t love me anymore; all thanks to myself. It was perfect(well not really but it was gonna be when she came to my uni, we would be together finally) and I kept wanting more, I kept asking for more from her, complaining etc, and I pushed her away. She had already left and came back once, her feelings were on the edge and I just pushed them away. IM BROKEN, and I feel guilty that all of it is my doing. And the worst part, 2weeks from today I have to see her in the place I always dreamt of being with her at, there; but not with me and not mine. I keep hoping for a miracle, for her to have a change of heart. But I tried and said everything that day; nothing worked. All I got was a NO and I won’t be with you anymore. MY heart aches. I can’t stop feeling guilty. I can’t stop crying. I need advice, ALL that I can get. Please help me. I'm sorry to hear about your break up. The first thing I noticed in your mail was that you said, that she doesn't love you anymore, that must have been very hard to hear, I'm sorry. I'd like to say that you would be able to find your way to her heart again, but she sounds as she has made her decision with a clear NO and also by telling you that she doesn't love you. You broke up once because she needed space and then returned hoping things had changed. Unfortunately she must have thought that they hadn’t since she has decided now to break it up for good. It takes two to build up a relationship and she should have been able to communicate if things didn’t go as she wanted or so stop feeling guilty. You were going through a tough faze of your own when you guys gave it another chance and it’s only natural that you’d want the support from someone whom you’re close to. Unfortunately she felt differently at the time and you needing her more than she could give only pushed her away making you feel like she toke you for granted. I don’t know if your insecurity and wanting more attention from her was her reason for pushing you away, but the fact that she uses the word bound could be the way she feels around you for not having the space she needs (emotionally and mentally). I can only imagine the pain in knowing that you were so close to the end date and now it is over. All the best of luck to you, hope you’ll move on quickly…. Hugs...
MountainGirl111 Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't see you as being guilty...and I think the guilt is really weighing you down. Guilt can turn into regret and sometimes shame. But friend, you've got to let go of the guilt and forgive yourself. You are a wonderful, beautiful person who is worthy of being loved and cared for by someone whom you also love and care for. But most importantly is to love yourself and care for yourself. As long as you feel so much guilt, however, you're going to have a hard time loving yourself. So, try to find a way to let go of the guilt. Letting go of the guilt is a process...there is no magic potion called "Guilt Be Gone"....I wish there was; I'd send some to you... 1
Author am291x Posted August 17, 2018 Author Posted August 17, 2018 I'm sorry to hear about your break up. I'm so sorry for your pain. ... Genuinely appreciate your replies, really do! There's not a word I've not said, not an issue I haven't addressed and tell her how it would be solvable in a REAL relationship that we could have now. But nothing worked, nothing. She had closed her heart to relationships a while ago, now she has to me as well and there's no way she would make me an exception anymore. Says she won't ever be in a relationship ever because she has caused enough pain already and rels only annoy her and she wasn't made for it. She says she can be with me forced, not with her heart, but that would be over in a month or two and just cause more pain. And her words: http://prntscr.com/kjnrzq If there was anyway I could change her heart, I would. But idk how to anymore. The thought of being friends has crossed my heart, but I know that's just gonna be me falling into a ditch of hope that is torture for me every single day. I know I need to let it be and move on. But with her coming to my uni, the thought of seeing her and eventually facing her, the guilt. it's consuming me. I would take any advice I can get on where do I even start to move, on to be okay with all of this.
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 I'm sorry that you are in pain. The loss of your first love is hard, but it's not the end of the world. You are probably going to think that my advice is harsh, just consider it tough love. With all due respect, she has decided that she wants to date other people and end your relationship. It's not a tragedy, she's just made a different decision. University is the best time of your life to meet people and form relationships. Go out with your mates, have a beer, and then find a cute girl and introduce yourself... You will get over this and life will be good again. Take care of yourself and try not to go down the rabbit hole of over dramatization and self pity - "this is a tragedy, she was the only one for me and my life will never be good again..." She was not the one for you, and that's ok. Go find the girl who is...
Author am291x Posted August 17, 2018 Author Posted August 17, 2018 I'm sorry that you are in pain. The loss of your first love is hard, but it's not the end of the world. You are probably going to think that my advice is harsh, just consider it tough love. With all due respect, she has decided that she wants to date other people and end your relationship. It's not a tragedy, she's just made a different decision. University is the best time of your life to meet people and form relationships. Go out with your mates, have a beer, and then find a cute girl and introduce yourself... You will get over this and life will be good again. Take care of yourself and try not to go down the rabbit hole of over dramatization and self pity - "this is a tragedy, she was the only one for me and my life will never be good again..." She was not the one for you, and that's ok. Go find the girl who is... Thankyou I get how it would feel that way but I know her; she feels she is a messed up person who can't handle relationships; she knows and feels she has caused a lot of hurt to me over the years cz she just struggles at prioritizing and managing stuff so she decided she won't be in a relationship whatsoever and save me the hurt now and herself from doing it to other people in the future. I know uni is that time, but I can't jump into being interested in other people when the last 3+years I've only known and wanted forever with One person.
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2018 Posted August 17, 2018 (edited) Thankyou I get how it would feel that way but I know her; she feels she is a messed up person who can't handle relationships; she knows and feels she has caused a lot of hurt to me over the years cz she just struggles at prioritizing and managing stuff so she decided she won't be in a relationship whatsoever and save me the hurt now and herself from doing it to other people in the future. I know uni is that time, but I can't jump into being interested in other people when the last 3+years I've only known and wanted forever with One person. I hear that. I'm glad that you were able to consider the "tough love" as it was offered, from a kind and well intended place. When you feel better, you will get back in the game. Give it some time. But one word of caution, just be careful that you don't get stuck in a bad place... The older I get, the more I learn that sometimes we are the cause of our own suffering because we catastrophize ("this is tragic" and "I've only ever wanted to be with one person") and then perseverate on these kind of irrational thoughts. I can see a little of that in your writing, which is understandable if the break up is recent. Just, be aware that your thoughts create your reality... The other thing I've learned, when people tell you who they are... You would be wise to listen and respect that. She doesn't want to be in a relationship - she feels messed up and she feels like she can't handle a relationship. Respect her, and respect what she is saying... I wouldn't hold onto hope that she will somehow change her mind. You don't know her as well as she knows herself... If you love her, you will let her go and give her the time and space that she feels she needs to get to a better place. Take care. Edited August 17, 2018 by BaileyB
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