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Do I end my 4 year friendship with male friend because of my boyfriend?

ItsAllConfusing

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GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted

Well if your boyfriend is uncomfortable with your male friend, you do have to respect that, at the very least.

 

Is there anything else we don't know about? Did you date/have sex with him in the past? Were you in love with him or he with you?

 

If he is really just a friend, I feel like you've done your part to ease the discomfort, based on what you have told us.

You do need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about this but if he is that uncomfortable with a male friend with whom you have no romantic past who lives out of the country, I wouldn't continue the relationship. This can't end well imo.

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
Posted

No, you shouldn’t be expected to give up your friend. However, based on Part 2 of this saga, your bf’s guard is now up because of what you were planning to do. The thing is, almost all guys assume that you’ll have sex with another guy you hang around with. It’s almost never true but that’s how they think — probably because that’s what they would do. The other thing that’s going through your bf’s mind is that he doesn’t believe your friend has pure motives. To him, your friend is the wolf at the door.

 

What should’ve been simple has escalated into a mess. It first started with you deciding to go out of town to be with a guy. Then you further insulted your bf by saying the other guy would be paying for everything. I hope you learn something from this. Do not ever underestimate the power of a man’s ego and how he’ll react when it’s been attacked, even subtly. Like it or not, those egos are there for a reason and evolution isn’t eradicating them any time soon.

 

What do you do now? I say go ahead and hang out with your guy friend in your city, and make sure your bf knows he’s welcome to join in. At this point, you can apologize for your short-sightedness but you should not send the message that anyone has the right to tell you to dump your friends.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted (edited)
Part 2

 

Last time I posted I mentioned that I was going to travel out of state with my daughter for 2 days to visit my male friend of 4,years,. He was going to pay our expenses because it was a gift to my daughter since he missed her bday last year.

 

My boyfriend of 5 months didn't like that. He said he preferred if we all went together or if he could at least send ne with money. So now I've changed plans. My friend will come down here to visit. We will attend an amusement park and my bf is free to come. I will be paying my own way.

 

{snip}

 

If your BF is upset the 1st thing you should do is talk to your BF. Find out what his concerns are. I suspect they will be that a). this other guy like you (it doesn't matter that you don't like him) and b). the guy makes more money then your BF & that is making your BF insecure & jealous.

 

 

Do listen to your BF's concerns. Assure him that it's him who you want but that this guy is a buddy. Do invite your BF to come along to the amusement park, your treat. If the plan is to have the friend sleep at your house make sure the friend is in another room & invite your BF to share your bed. Make those lines crystal clear. It would probably be better if the friend got a hotel or Airbnb.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted
Your BF and his ex have ended the romantic part of their relationship permanently. While this friend of yours is still pining for you. So what if you have a BF, you are still fair game in his eyes. I bet money on it, if you got married this friend would disappear.

 

I know guys pretty well, and they don't just be friends for no reason (not all but a lot of them), and I have experienced this sort of thing where the friend just came out and professed his love for me even tho I was seeing someone...and always wanted to linger in the background...waiting, hoping. Some guys just do that. And it doesn't matter what you think, and don't have any interest....this guy is into you and your BF knows this because HE's a guy. Women and men think differently when it comes to friendships. It's so easy for us to be not interested, but willing to invest our social time with them. Basically this guy is an orbiter.

 

maybe make a compromise.....don't hang out with friend, but keep in contact for a casual chat once in a blue moon.

 

This is dead on, absolutely correct...

 

I don't understand why more girl don't under this, or are they playing dumb???

 

Of all the women I have know, I think I have one friend that I have slept with, and if I was still like that I would be open to sleeping with them.

 

I have a ton of exes that would like to "hang out" , no thank you BTW, I am in a relationship and plan to stay that way.

 

But these young girls just think, "oh, him, he is just a friend".

 

There is a quote that says, "there is only one reason that men talk to women", and while I think that I way too crass, there is an element of truth in that quote.

 

I actually have one "friend that is actually a girl", that is super cool and super hot. But she really is a friend, and my GF knows and likes her and hangs out with her.

 

I was just never that attracted to her that way, plus she is a "man eater" and I never wanted any part of that.

 

Point is, this guys is pining for you and your BF knows it because he is a guy. He wants you to dump this "friend" and you appear to be unconcerned about his needs.

 

You need to tell the "Friend", "Look, this is not something that I can do or be involved in any more".

 

If you can't get this, I am afraid that your BF will eventually dump you. He is not a stupid man, and he actually seems to be finding his balls, so if you want him, dump the friend...

  • Like 3
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted

Along this line of thinking, what about OP's bf being besties with his ex-wife?

  • Like 1
Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

Posted
Posted (edited)

Based on part 2

I would say!

 

Oh, he does not like it, it is his decision; he can't expect you to give up friendships just because he does not like it.

 

He is still a friend to his ex-wife, why you are expected to end a friendship with your friend of 4 years just because he liked you at one point?

 

Some men are just so insecure and have no trust!

 

Plus, you only know this bf for 5 months, and yet he is already not pleased with your friends that you have known for years and what does he want exactly?

 

Does he want you to stay home and raise the kids and have no contact with the outer world!

 

Let's face it here!

 

At one point your husband slept with his ex-wife

 

but at no point in history you did sleep with this man, and yet everyone is telling you to respect your bf feelings

 

Oh, respect the insecurity and let him feel he is the man

 

and you shall accept that his ex is his family

but your friend is just a teenager who is horny and can't be trusted to walk with you and your little kid in a public place like a museum!

 

Enough with this mentality!

 

He should leave his ex alone then!

because you have feelings too!

Edited by Noproblem
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

She seems to trust the relationship with his wife. Anyway, she's said more than once the guy friend has always been interested in her. So she knows he wants her and so does her bf. If she wants to demand some adjustments to her bf and his ex, she might use this opportunity to do so if she thinks he wants his ex back or the ex wants him back.

  • Like 1
OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted

If you guys want to make this relationship work, you'll BOTH establish better boundaries. He won't have anymore "counseling sessions" with his ex wife and you'll dial back your relationship with your friend.

 

 

 

BOTH of these situations are going to cause problems for your relationship down the road. His ex needs to remain that: AN EX. And, your friend is an orbiter.

 

 

Bad news on both accounts.

  • Like 3
GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted

 

This is my friend. He liked me at one point (to date me) and he might still like me. .

 

Here we go.

 

I take back what I said.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
I should point out my bf is still close to his ex-wife . She will help him with anything. He says she's family. I accept this, why can't he accept my friend?

 

As was said to you up-thread on this, to which you agreed: she's not paying for him to come spend the weekend without you at her place. THAT is the difference here. She's not interfering in your relationship the way this guy's gesture is and deep down, you know that she's not a threat to your relationship. You're making a false equivalence here to justify you letting this friend spend money on you and your child.

 

I think my bf is upset with me, I'm sure he is. What should I do?

 

Prepare yourself for the break up.

 

You can have your little friend, but you're probably not going to be in a relationship with your boyfriend while you do this, as is his right and choice not to be involved with someone who takes monetary gifts from an orbiter who's pining for her. Hotel rooms, admittance to amusement parks, food, gas, etc. all cost money that you're not shelling out--- he's paying for this if you and your boyfriend aren't.

 

He says we need to have a serious talk.

 

You've been needing to have a serious talk since 8/1/18 (the date you initially posted this).

  • Like 2
Purrrfect Established Member

Purrrfect

Posted
Posted

Unless this guy is gay it’s totally inappropriate.

 

Learn some boundaries.

 

Opposite sex friendships sometimes need to be scaled back a bit when you are in a relationship.

 

Would you be ok with your BF going to great lengths to visit a female friend? I bet not.

  • Like 1
dream of me Member

dream of me

Posted
Posted

I'd only go if the BF came along. That way you get to see your friend, keep your boyfriend calm and communicate a boundary quite clearly without having to say a word.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Now, if the bf had been invited by the guy in the beginning, it still would have been weird and the bf still wouldn't have felt right about the whole thing. Too weird. But now, after all this time and squabbles over it, if they do end up at the same table when the bill comes, it's going to be a pissing contest.

Desesperado Established Member

Desesperado

Posted
Posted

There's a saying, men are only friends with women they cannot **** and being a man I'll tell you honestly, unless you are unattractive to a man that's the only reason for being friends or being in a relationship with someone else...

I only have old childhood female friends, which are attractive but I'll never try anything, out of respect as they are like sisters.

 

So this guy obviously wants something, to me OP is playing dumb not understanding the difference between, this infatuated man paying for her trip, to try and get into her life and her bfs ex wife which isn't trying anything like this, just part of old his life.

 

Also nowhere is it written the bf asks her to cut the friendship, so seems to me big entitlement issue on OPs part, blowing situation into a full fledged drama, where anyone else would have said no thanks and dodged a bullet, poor BF...

  • Like 2
central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

Personally, I would not give up a good, proven, long-term friend for a new gf, just because she's uncomfortable. I can find a new gf who is more open-minded. However, I would agree to suitable boundaries that would help a gf be more comfortable with the friendship, if possible. If that's not good enough, a good friend would take precedence over a possible - but unproven - relationship.

 

It sounds like you made compromises that should resolve this, but of course the bf is still suspicious because your earlier plans were outside the bounds of a reasonable friendship.

guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted

Why do you have to go either extreme? What does your boyfriend think you should do? It doesn't sound like an ultimatum, he is expressing disapproval at your behaviour. Using this guy who clearly fancies you. Happy family holiday with another guy, one with money unlike poor boyfriend (this must be so hurtful to him) . Open your eyes. Unbelievable..

  • Like 3
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

Posted
Posted

I am not getting why OP is being scalded. Some posters are saying that a man would never hang out with, confide in, talk to a woman unless he wants in her pants.

 

What is the OP's bf doing then? Does he want in his ex wife's pants?

 

 

 

OP has been open with her bf about plans and readjusted/compromised.

 

 

What I think is that OP's bf was 'triggered' :rolleyes: about the OP's male friend, who, by the way, she has been friends with for a long time and never had sex with. While her bf has maintained a relationship with a woman he has been intimate with and....that's ok. It seems a smidge hypocritical.

 

 

 

It would be great if the OP came back with an update.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

It does seem hypocritical.

When you've previously visited your friend out of state, has he tried anything on with you?

 

Has he got a relationship with your daughter to the extent he'd take her to a theme park? If he has would him taking her out on his own be an option?

 

If he doesnt really know your daughter that well...and given you live far apart that's my guess..the in what can't he just buy her a gift?

 

Seems like this is an excuse to spend time with you.

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted (edited)
I am not getting why OP is being scalded. Some posters are saying that a man would never hang out with, confide in, talk to a woman unless he wants in her pants.

 

Usually true, but not without exception. Men and women can be platonic friends, but that's not what's going on here.

 

 

 

What is the OP's bf doing then? Does he want in his ex wife's pants?

 

Probably not. If the guy was carrying a torch for his ex it would be different. Sometimes (rarely) ex's never really become ex's because of overwhelming sexual chemistry that doesn't die with the rest of the marriage... but most of the time sex is the first thing that dies, and what's left is just a bit of friendly affection and good wishes for future happiness. The latter seems to be the case with the bf's ex-wife. All we know is that they're friendly. We have not heard any evidence that he's carrying a torch or spending a lot of alone time with her.

 

 

 

What I think is that OP's bf was 'triggered' :rolleyes: about the OP's male friend, who, by the way, she has been friends with for a long time and never had sex with. While her bf has maintained a relationship with a woman he has been intimate with and....that's ok. It seems a smidge hypocritical.

 

 

Did she say she's never had sex with him, never kissed, never played footsies? Nope. My theory is that on some level she is encouraging this "friend" to keep up the pursuit.

 

Yea, the bf was triggered, and rightfully so. Who the hell wants a girlfriend with a long-term orbiter/sugga daddy, regardless of whether she ever polished it or if it's just a fantasy of his, and her's subconsciously.

 

Chances are she's going to take the trip. Why? Well, apparently the father of the daughter is MIA and now she has a "friend" who is willing to help her out. Her survival instincts tell her that she should take the money because the boyfriend or the father isn't supporting her so why not?

 

Yes, this is exactly the reason she's so adamant about holding onto the "friend." He has proven to be a prospective mate with desire, reliability and resources. And he has demonstrated his generosity and a propensity for care-taking of her and the daughter. In other words, he's a backup strategy. It's important enough to her that she wants to maintain this relationship at the cost of the primary relationship.

 

There is no equivalency between her need/desire to cultivate an orbiter vs. her bf being friendly toward his ex-wife (assuming they're not still hot for each other). Most of the time the ex-wife is the last person on the planet a man wants to tango with.

Edited by salparadise
  • Like 1
guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted

What is the OP's bf doing then? Does he want in his ex wife's pants?

 

 

 

OP has been open with her bf about plans and readjusted/compromised.

 

 

What I think is that OP's bf was 'triggered' :rolleyes: about the OP's male friend, who, by the way, she has been friends with for a long time and never had sex with. While her bf has maintained a relationship with a woman he has been intimate with and....that's ok. It seems a smidge hypocritical.

 

 

 

It would be great if the OP came back with an update.

 

Good point, sorry I missed this part of the story. It is definitely unfair for the boyfriend to be disapproving of OPs friend when he admits that his own ex wife is his counsellor who he goes to when he needs emotional support. What a double standard!

 

If they are both doing the same thing then they either accept it as is, agree on boundaries, or put an end to both other relationships / friendships.

  • Like 2
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Yea, the bf was triggered, and rightfully so. Who the hell wants a girlfriend with a long-term orbiter/sugga daddy, regardless of whether she ever polished it or if it's just a fantasy of his, and her's subconsciously.

 

 

 

Yes, this is exactly the reason she's so adamant about holding onto the "friend." He has proven to be a prospective mate with desire, reliability and resources. And he has demonstrated his generosity and a propensity for care-taking of her and the daughter. In other words, he's a backup strategy. It's important enough to her that she wants to maintain this relationship at the cost of the primary relationship.

 

There is no equivalency between her need/desire to cultivate an orbiter vs. her bf being friendly toward his ex-wife (assuming they're not still hot for each other). Most of the time the ex-wife is the last person on the planet a man wants to tango with.

 

I think she is just plain old comfortable taking advantage of the guy's generosity, and I think her bf knows that too. Ethics.

  • Like 2
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted
Your BF and his ex have ended the romantic part of their relationship permanently. While this friend of yours is still pining for you. So what if you have a BF, you are still fair game in his eyes. I bet money on it, if you got married this friend would disappear.

 

 

I know guys pretty well, and they don't just be friends for no reason (not all but a lot of them), and I have experienced this sort of thing where the friend just came out and professed his love for me even tho I was seeing someone...and always wanted to linger in the background...waiting, hoping. Some guys just do that. And it doesn't matter what you think, and don't have any interest....this guy is into you and your BF knows this because HE's a guy. Women and men think differently when it comes to friendships. It's so easy for us to be not interested, but willing to invest our social time with them. Basically this guy is an orbiter.

 

 

 

 

maybe make a compromise.....don't hang out with friend, but keep in contact for a casual chat once in a blue moon.

 

 

I don’t agree at all....

 

Men and women can be very good friends without romantic feelings.

 

It has a lot to with respecting women and looking at them as something beyond something you want to #$&@

 

Sure sometimes I may think this might be a relationship when I first meet them but I discover there are big differences when it would come to a relationship.

  • Like 1
Desesperado Established Member

Desesperado

Posted
Posted
I don’t agree at all....

 

Men and women can be very good friends without romantic feelings.

 

It has a lot to with respecting women and looking at them as something beyond something you want to #$&@

 

Sure sometimes I may think this might be a relationship when I first meet them but I discover there are big differences when it would come to a relationship.

 

Yes they can be very good friends, but still what Smackie explains, I as a guy admit doing years ago and a vast majority of men do the same.

It's clear the OPs situation is exactly this, so disagree it doesn't make it less disrespectful towards the BF.

  • Like 1
coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted
I have a male friend who lives out of state and I'd like to visit him this month. He wants to take my daughter to a theme park for her birthday (that he missed). I think my male friend will pay for the majority of the expenses, it's possible.

 

I now have a boyfriend of almost 4 months and he disagrees with me going if my male friend will pay for everything, he says it's wrong.I on the other hand don't see it as wrong because we were invited.

 

My boyfriend and I are not doing the best financially. He says he wants to be able to give me a couple hundred and send me off. He says what if something happens and I don't have money ...

 

I asked him if it's because he doesn't trust me he says no it's not about that it's because of the financial situation. I guess he feels that he's my boyfriend and he's the one who is supposed to do these things, not my friend.

 

This is my friend. He liked me at one point (to date me) and he might still like me. I don't have any romantic feelings for him. I think he's a good guy.

 

I would like to hear people's opinions on this.

 

Male Friend (aka guy friend)

Boy Friend (aka lover)

 

The rest here won't understand this but I've come to terms with this some woman I use to know had guys they knew for a very long time would take them out for coffee and such. I did the same thing got me a gal friend also. But my gal friend warn me if my GF was with a guy friend they might be having sex because he's buy her things like friendship diamond bracelet and he pays for everything.

 

Now you have the same issue. Again guy friend when you loose your boy friend to argument or whatever you breakup you'll always have your guy friend to be there for you. But you made you guy friend fall in love with you or he had like you at one time. Then it's gets weird. I have few women friends also. They pay for me to go out for food with them sometimes. One still has a crush on me. She's alright because if I ever need anything she'll get it for me. My Birthday next month I know my gal friend will get me something even after we broke-up . Now I have GF I told my GF I have more women as friends then men friends because the guys I know are married too involved with their wives. I am single man free date anyone I want if I am not with my GF that's my story. Thing about it if you were the GF and you and I was gong out. Would you want me to go off and meet with my gal friend for quick dinner. You just stood by and let that happen. Wouldn't feel odd about it. Or you could trust me to know there wouldn't be any foul play at and. Trust has to be earn so if your BF doesn't trust your guy friend with you and your daughter that's going to be a huge fight. You know your guy friend longer than your current boy friend (this guy can come and go like yoyo) up and down type. Now if you tell your guy friend he can't see you anymore because your current BF has an issue with you two gong out with your daughter. Male pride.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

Men and women can be very good friends without romantic feelings.

 

This is true as long as there were no unrequited romantic feelings to begin with and both agreed that the road going forward will kill off any lingering romantic feelings.

 

OP clearly said:

He liked me at one point (to date me) and he might still like me.

 

It doesn't sound like they both agreed for him to kill off any lingering romantic feelings if she's saying this.

 

Also, there's a difference between a strictly platonic friend who isn't attracted to you sexually/romantically and an orbiter who's biding his time til he gets his chance.

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