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Do I end my 4 year friendship with male friend because of my boyfriend?

ItsAllConfusing

By ItsAllConfusing
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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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Do you think she'll show up again around these parts?

 

We've dished out some pretty tough love around here.

 

I have a feeling she has one foot in her current relationship and kind of likes this guy she plans to visit.

 

Just an inclin.

brigit87 Established Member

brigit87

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Do you think she'll show up again around these parts?

 

We've dished out some pretty tough love around here.

 

I have a feeling she has one foot in her current relationship and kind of likes this guy she plans to visit.

 

Just an inclin.

 

Chances are she's going to take the trip.

 

Why?

 

Well, apparently the father of the daughter is MIA and now she has a "friend" who is willing to help her out.

 

Her survival instincts tell her that she should take the money because the boyfriend or the father isn't supporting her so why not?

 

 

This is why women have to be very careful before they procreate. I knew making money was never my strong point so I made sure I never got pregnant. Once you have children you set yourself up for all kinds of financial risks.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Yeah, I bet she's going on the trip. Not one person agreed with her. Shouldn't ask for opinions if you've already made up your mind and going to do your wrongheaded thing anyway, regardless of the consequences. Guess she was hoping for validation that it was okay to take advantage of someone like that and hurt her boyfriend.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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So, a little background, I've known my friend for 4 years. My daughter and I would go up and visit him every other summer and he would pay for our tickets etc. I never ever asked him to.

 

The first time he came to visit in 2014 he came to my state on a bus and spent time in my town.

 

After talking with my friend he said he wouldn't mind if my boyfriend came. My friend even suggested coming up here and spending the day with all of us.

 

 

 

 

I am assuming that your 4 month relationship is serious or trending towards being serious.

 

Going to visit a single male "friend" that you know has/had feelings for you

is not the best thing to do if you are in a serious relationship.

 

If this guy was truly your friend and knowing you have a serious bf he would invite "all" of you to come visit, not just you and your daughter...

 

If this was me in this situation and you see no problem going and went then we would not be together anymore.

 

Act like an adult in a real relationship and have respectful boundaries for your bf

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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I don't know if I'm going on the trip. My boyfriend says he's ok with it if I have my own money to spend.

 

My child's father is not in the picture but I'm not looking for help. My friend isn't giving me money.

 

 

 

Chances are she's going to take

the trip.

 

Why?

 

Well, apparently the father of the daughter is MIA and now she has a "friend" who is willing to help her out.

 

Her survival instincts tell her that she should take the money because the boyfriend or the father isn't supporting her so why not?

 

 

This is why women have to be very careful before they procreate. I knew making money was never my strong point so I made sure I never got pregnant. Once you have children you set yourself up for all kinds of financial risks.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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I'm sure your boyfriend's thrilled.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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So, a little background, I've known my friend for 4 years. My daughter and I would go up and visit him every other summer and he would pay for our tickets etc. I never ever asked him to.

 

The first time he came to visit in 2014 he came to my state on a bus and spent time in my town.

 

After talking with my friend he said he wouldn't mind if my boyfriend came. My friend even suggested coming up here and spending the day with all of us.

 

This would be the far more appropriate choice, OP.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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Do you think she'll show up again around these parts?

 

We've dished out some pretty tough love around here.

 

I have a feeling she has one foot in her current relationship and kind of likes this guy she plans to visit.

 

Just an inclin.

 

Hi I'm still here. I don't have any romantic feelingsfor my friend. I see him as a brother. I am very much into my boyfriend.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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If your BF is welcome to come with you, then all of you can go but you really ought to find a way to pay for yourselves.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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If I were your bf I'd drop you for not realizing the inappropriateness of this.

 

It might be that you need to mature a little. But, it seems lacking in empathy to me, to even consider this arrangement.

 

 

Here's some background, I've known my friend for 4 years and my boyfriend for 4 months. My child and I usually visit my friend every other summer.

 

If i go on this trip, im going to pay my way now that I just got a new job.

 

It will be a 1 or 2 day trip and I'll be in a hotel room.

 

Also, my boyfriend has an ex wife who he was with for 6 years and she's still apart of his life. He's told me she's more than a mother, she's his counselor. If he needs something she'll drop everything to help him. I've met her, she's nice but it's difficult to accept at times but I understand they had a relationship long before me.

 

I can't understand why I can't keep my friend but he can keep his ex wife? No I'm not visiting my friend because of this, I'm visiting because this has been a bi annual

ual thing that I've done before meeting my boyfriend.

brigit87 Established Member

brigit87

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My friend even suggested coming up here and spending the day with all of us.

 

That sounds like a better choice.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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This would be the far more appropriate choice, OP.

 

 

Ok. I think so too. Maybe we can do an amusement park here.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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She'll be leading one guy on and disrespecting her BF all at the same time.

 

It'll be a busy month for her.

 

 

Month? It's just a 1 to 2 day visit. My friend and I have been friends for 4 years. We've established how we feel about each other. He's very very respectful, a good man.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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I'm sure your boyfriend's thrilled.

 

Heres some background info, I've known my friend for 4 years and my boyfriend for 4 months. My child and I usually visit my friend every other summer.

 

If i go on this trip, im going to pay my way now that I just got a new job.

 

It will be a 1 or 2 day trip and I'll be in a hotel room.

 

Also, my boyfriend has an ex wife who he was with for 6 years and she's still apart of his life. He's told me she's more than a mother, she's his counselor. If he needs something she'll drop everything to help him. I've met her, she's nice but it's difficult to accept at times but I understand they had a relationship long before me.

 

I can't understand why I can't keep my friend but he can keep his ex wife? No I'm not visiting my friend because of this, I'm visiting because this has been a bi annual

ual thing that I've done before meeting my boyfriend.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I can't understand why I can't keep my friend but he can keep his ex wife? No I'm not visiting my friend because of this, I'm visiting because this has been a bi annual

ual thing that I've done before meeting my boyfriend.

 

You can keep your friend. You just can't go visit him for 1-2 days on his dime.

 

Your BF should not be having overnights with his EX-W but if they share children, they will always be in contact, just like your little girl deserves a relationship with her father.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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I truly do not understand how some people just don't get it when dating or in a serious/semi-serious relationship.

 

All you need to do is put yourself in your S.O. place and think how you would feel if they were doing the same thing.

 

IAC what would you think if your bf was going off to see a good female friend that has/had feelings for him for a visit?

 

I am guessing your bf is feeling disrespected by you and less of a bf since you are having money issues also. I would guess his pride is hurt by your male "friend" wanting to pay for you and your daughter to visit him.

 

Really, how can you be so cold and unfeeling towards your bf in this situation?

 

You really need to do some making up with him in a big way

 

Here's the thing, my friend and I have been friends for 4 years. Before I started dating my boyfriend I had been making trips out of state to visit my friend in the summer.

 

If my boyfriend had a female friend for 4 years and they had a routine of visiting in the summer I would have to swallow it., which brings me to my next point, my boyfriend has an ex wife who is still in his life. She's his counselor, his family he says. They were married for 6 years. If he ever needs any help, she's there, she'll drop everything to help him. He tells me occasionally how much she's helped him, how good and amazing she is. I have had to accept this. I've no choice. I don't expect him to cut her out of his life.

 

Now if I can accept this continued relationship/friendship why can't I spend a day or two visiting my friend? We're not going to sleep in the same building. He's a gentleman, a good friend and person.

 

My boyfriend has probably done all kinds of things with his ex wife, I don't even want to know but I trust him. I sit there and understand when she helps him, when she loans him money etc..

 

I'm not seeing my friend because of my boyfriend's relationship, I've been visiting my friend way before I met my boyfriend.

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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You can keep your friend. You just can't go visit him for 1-2 days on his dime.

 

Your BF should not be having overnights with his EX-W but if they share children, they will always be in contact, just like your little girl deserves a relationship with her father.

 

Ok, you're right. My boyfriend doesn't have overnights with his wife and they don't have children together but she considers his son to be her son.

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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Ok this is my verdict: ok to go as long as BF comes. If he doesn't or can't, you shouldn't go.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Nothing you've explained makes the part about this friend being actually a guy who has a thing for you go away. You were perfectly willing to take advantage of him trying to buy you even though you have a boyfriend. It's going to deteriorate the relationship with your boyfriend no matter what at this point. If you want this guy, go be with him. If you don't want him, stop taking his money and favors. It's a terrible example for your daughter.

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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Nothing you've explained makes the part about this friend being actually a guy who has a thing for you go away. You were perfectly willing to take advantage of him trying to buy you even though you have a boyfriend. It's going to deteriorate the relationship with your boyfriend no matter what at this point. If you want this guy, go be with him. If you don't want him, stop taking his money and favors. It's a terrible example for your daughter.

 

I agree with this, ItsAllConfusing.

 

Not to say your bf and his ex's relationship is perfect. That has nothing to do with what you're describing with the other man. But, your bf's ex is the mother of his child so he'll always be in touch with her, most likely. They have been together and have parted ways so their relationship is resolved.

 

Your relationship with this OM is not resolved. He still holds a torch for you. It's very unhealthy since this is the case for him to be with you, imo, even with your bf. When he gets a wife or girlfriend, as long as he no longer has feelings for you, or you for him, then it seems to me the situation has changed.

 

Right now I dare say part of the reason your visits with him are so rewarding to you is because of his feelings for you. Whether or not you feel the same that adds an element of intrigue and comfort to your times together.

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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Also, put yourself in your bf's place. You two and your daughter are going to spend some time (a couple of days, a day, an evening?) with a woman who has romantic feelings for him. Would you want to spend a couple days, a day or evening with the four of you together?

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Um no just no. Pulling on the heartstrings of some guy who has feelings for you to get a trip you cannot afford on your own is wrong. Add in a bf back home who is uncomfortable with it (and I can understand why) and yeah it's a no. Find a way to entertain your daughter in a way you can afford. And stop leading your friend on! It's mean!

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ItsAllConfusing Established Member

ItsAllConfusing

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Part 2

 

Last time I posted I mentioned that I was going to travel out of state with my daughter for 2 days to visit my male friend of 4,years,. He was going to pay our expenses because it was a gift to my daughter since he missed her bday last year.

 

My boyfriend of 5 months didn't like that. He said he preferred if we all went together or if he could at least send ne with money. So now I've changed plans. My friend will come down here to visit. We will attend an amusement park and my bf is free to come. I will be paying my own way.

 

I don't think my bf is happy with this .

 

Should I tell my friend not to come?

 

I don't have romantic feelings for him, my friend did like me at one point. Yes i care for my bf. I love him.

 

I should point out my bf is still close to his ex-wife . She will help him with anything. He says she's family. I accept this, why can't he accept my friend?

 

I think my bf is upset with me, I'm sure he is. What should I do?

 

He says we need to have a serious talk.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Your BF and his ex have ended the romantic part of their relationship permanently. While this friend of yours is still pining for you. So what if you have a BF, you are still fair game in his eyes. I bet money on it, if you got married this friend would disappear.

 

 

I know guys pretty well, and they don't just be friends for no reason (not all but a lot of them), and I have experienced this sort of thing where the friend just came out and professed his love for me even tho I was seeing someone...and always wanted to linger in the background...waiting, hoping. Some guys just do that. And it doesn't matter what you think, and don't have any interest....this guy is into you and your BF knows this because HE's a guy. Women and men think differently when it comes to friendships. It's so easy for us to be not interested, but willing to invest our social time with them. Basically this guy is an orbiter.

 

 

 

 

maybe make a compromise.....don't hang out with friend, but keep in contact for a casual chat once in a blue moon.

Edited by smackie9
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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OP, how long is your friend staying? If it's an overnight, where is he staying? You also say your boyfriend is free to join, which makes him sound like a third wheel. Is that how you put it to him?

 

As Smackie pointed out, your friend seems to be making an obvious pass at you. Your boyfriend sees this, too. Does he still have the same sort of issue with his ex-wife? It's the intent behind that initial gesture from your friend that rubbed your boyfriend the wrong way. He's wary.

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