Do I end my 4 year friendship with male friend because of my boyfriend?

[ItsAllConfusing]

I have a male friend who lives out of state and I'd like to visit him this month. He wants to take my daughter to a theme park for her birthday (that he missed). I think my male friend will pay for the majority of the expenses, it's possible.

 

I now have a boyfriend of almost 4 months and he disagrees with me going if my male friend will pay for everything, he says it's wrong.I on the other hand don't see it as wrong because we were invited.

 

My boyfriend and I are not doing the best financially. He says he wants to be able to give me a couple hundred and send me off. He says what if something happens and I don't have money ...

 

I asked him if it's because he doesn't trust me he says no it's not about that it's because of the financial situation. I guess he feels that he's my boyfriend and he's the one who is supposed to do these things, not my friend.

 

This is my friend. He liked me at one point (to date me) and he might still like me. I don't have any romantic feelings for him. I think he's a good guy.

 

I would like to hear people's opinions on this.

[Els]

Wrong. You are in a relationship. Have some boundaries for chrissakes.

[Gaeta]

Completely inappropriate on your part knowing this ‘friend ‘had feelings for you and may still be harboring feelings. The visit is double- inappropriate and him paying your expenses is as well. If I were your boyfriend of 4 months I would not even argue with you I’d just drop you.

[Gretchen12]

Even if you don't have a boyfriend, don't do it if you have no romantic feelings for me. Actually, don't let him pay even if you do have romantic feelings for him, and no boyfriend. That's what my Dad would advise me.

[d0nnivain]

If you can't afford to go & pay all your own way, it's wrong for you to go. Don't be a leach even if somebody else offers.

 

This man wants you there because he wants to "prove" to you that he's better for you because he has more liquidity then your BF & is therefore a better provider. He thinks bribing your daughter with an expensive theme park admission fee is the way to your heart.

 

If the offer was genuine & above board your BF would have been invited too.

 

By going not only are you playing games & trying to make your BF jealous you are rubbing his financial shortcomings in his face.

 

You can go if you like, but your BF would be a fool to still be there when you got back.

[Juha]

I am assuming that your 4 month relationship is serious or trending towards being serious.

 

Going to visit a single male "friend" that you know has/had feelings for you

is not the best thing to do if you are in a serious relationship.

 

If this guy was truly your friend and knowing you have a serious bf he would invite "all" of you to come visit, not just you and your daughter...

 

If this was me in this situation and you see no problem going and went then we would not be together anymore.

 

Act like an adult in a real relationship and have respectful boundaries for your bf

[ExpatInItaly]

No, this is not appropriate. I'm a little surprised you'd ever think that it was.

[Mrin]

Absolutely inappropriate and unfair to both your male friend and your boyfriend. Gross.

[bachdude]

If I were your boyfriend, I'd tell you, "Sure, feel free to go and have a great time. But just so you know, when you get back I'll be gone."

[smackie9]

Inappropriate and over stepping your relationship boundaries. How short sighted. If your BF told you that this cougar he is friends with, that had and possibly wanted him to date/have sex with him, wanted him to come visit her and that she would cover all costs....how does that sound to you? Give your head a shake.

[Poutrew]

Well, I would send you off and tell you to have a good time, and to eat at all the expensive eateries while you are there on his dime. Then, as soon as you are gone, I will go over to that 22 year old underwear model who lives down the block, the one the neighbors are always talking about because she is always out washing her Corvette wearing a string bikini, and er, introduce myself as a 'more than friendly' neighbor... My attitude stems from the fact that I know you will be getting some on your vacation, so I might as well have some fun too... See, if your old BF (and he is a BF) is paying your way I know he will be expecting a payout later on...and so do you. You are beyond naïve if you think a simple 'no' is going to stop the inevitable from happening...

[TheFinalWord]

Your boyfriend is right. And any guy that is having you out for a month and paying your way has ulterior motives. Just being around this other guy for so long, don't be surprised if you develop feelings. Or is something "accidentally" happens. Hypergamy is a powerful aphrodisiac.

 

Your boyfriend may trust you (though you are making him feel inferior due to letting this other guy pay for your expenses), but he doesn't trust this other guy, and I think for good reason. Put yourself in his shoes. What would you think if a woman that likes him, wanted to have him at her place for a month and pay for everything, with you not around?

[kendahke]

This is my friend. He liked me at one point (to date me) and he might still like me. I don't have any romantic feelings for him. I think he's a good guy.

 

Why didn't your friend pay for your boyfriend to accompany you, too, since you two are just friends and he's got money like that?

 

Would you have a problem if a female friend of your boyfriend invited him to come see her, all expenses paid, and leave you at home?

[brigit87]

I have a male friend who lives out of state and I'd like to visit him this month. He wants to take my daughter to a theme park for her birthday (that he missed). I think my male friend will pay for the majority of the expenses, it's possible.

 

I now have a boyfriend of almost 4 months and he disagrees with me going if my male friend will pay for everything, he says it's wrong.I on the other hand don't see it as wrong because we were invited.

 

My boyfriend and I are not doing the best financially. He says he wants to be able to give me a couple hundred and send me off. He says what if something happens and I don't have money ...

 

I asked him if it's because he doesn't trust me he says no it's not about that it's because of the financial situation. I guess he feels that he's my boyfriend and he's the one who is supposed to do these things, not my friend.

 

This is my friend. He liked me at one point (to date me) and he might still like me. I don't have any romantic feelings for him. I think he's a good guy.

 

I would like to hear people's opinions on this.

 

LOL!

 

You know it's totally wrong on so many levels.

 

Don't go.

[kendahke]

To add:

 

Your boyfriend is right. You're going to have to decide who is more important to you. If it's your friend, then do yourself and your boyfriend a favor and cut the boyfriend loose. You're not ready to be in a committed relationship. If it's your boyfriend, then decline the invite from your friend, especially since "friend" didn't extend the invite to your boyfriend.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If I were your bf I'd drop you for not realizing the inappropriateness of this.

 

It might be that you need to mature a little. But, it seems lacking in empathy to me, to even consider this arrangement.

[brigit87]

If I were your bf I'd drop you for not realizing the inappropriateness of this.

 

It might be that you need to mature a little. But, it seems lacking in empathy to me, to even consider this arrangement.

 

If the OP didn't have kids I would think it was written by an 18 year old.

 

OP rethink the boyfriend and ask the father of the child to take her out for her birthday.

[bachdude]

She'll be leading one guy on and disrespecting her BF all at the same time.

 

It'll be a busy month for her.

[Juha]

I truly do not understand how some people just don't get it when dating or in a serious/semi-serious relationship.

 

All you need to do is put yourself in your S.O. place and think how you would feel if they were doing the same thing.

 

IAC what would you think if your bf was going off to see a good female friend that has/had feelings for him for a visit?

 

I am guessing your bf is feeling disrespected by you and less of a bf since you are having money issues also. I would guess his pride is hurt by your male "friend" wanting to pay for you and your daughter to visit him.

 

Really, how can you be so cold and unfeeling towards your bf in this situation?

 

You really need to do some making up with him in a big way

[d0nnivain]

This is not to say that the OP or anybody else can't have true PLATONIC friendships with people who are not their SOs. There are certain lines that can't be crossed. Here the fact that the money bags guy 1). likes her and 2). the new BF isn't invited is the crux of the issue.

 

Some opposite sex interaction is allowed. For example -- DH is leaving for a trip to the West Coast tomorrow. I chose to stay home to attend a wedding. The other day I found out that one of my childhood BFFs who is like a brother to me & who is a big part of the reason DH & I got married will be attending this wedding stag because his long time (10+ years) GF can't come for some reason. Upon learning this, both the guy & I in front of my husband said "oooh goodie wedding date / dance partner" as we put our arms around each other from the side. My husband's only response was to say to my buddy "better you then me; I hate dancing." In fact other than at our own wedding, I probably always dance more with this guy at weddings then I do with my husband because husband hates dancing, & this guy's GF never comes to anything.

[BluesPower]

I say dump the BF... You know why, because he is a punk.

 

No MAN would allow his serious GF to do this.

 

Do you honestly think there is nothing wrong with even thinking about this?

 

Really?

[preraph]

I have to add, think about what you're teaching your teenage daughter. She's plenty old enough to get a whiff of what's going on and knowing that he like-likes you and that you're just taking advantage of that. Do not use her as an excuse either. Don't put it on her head that because she wants to go, that's why you're going.

 

And remember, you do have a teenage daughter you're talking about taking to some hotel with this guy. You might find out he's more interested in her than you, you never know.

 

It's wrong on so many levels.

[Juha]

This is not to say that the OP or anybody else can't have true PLATONIC friendships with people who are not their SOs. There are certain lines that can't be crossed. Here the fact that the money bags guy 1). likes her and 2). the new BF isn't invited is the crux of the issue.

 

Some opposite sex interaction is allowed. For example -- DH is leaving for a trip to the West Coast tomorrow. I chose to stay home to attend a wedding. The other day I found out that one of my childhood BFFs who is like a brother to me & who is a big part of the reason DH & I got married will be attending this wedding stag because his long time (10+ years) GF can't come for some reason. Upon learning this, both the guy & I in front of my husband said "oooh goodie wedding date / dance partner" as we put our arms around each other from the side. My husband's only response was to say to my buddy "better you then me; I hate dancing." In fact other than at our own wedding, I probably always dance more with this guy at weddings then I do with my husband because husband hates dancing, & this guy's GF never comes to anything.

 

 

Great example!!! Difference is your S.O. knows you good male friend, has spent time him, you and him have never tried to hide anything or act shady as far as your bf goes, so he feels comfortable with you two hanging out.

 

This is a perfect example. I have a good relationship with my friends and their S.O.'s one couple when we hang out are always a team instead of her bf when our group plays any games. He could care less lol

 

When you are upfront with your opposite sex friends with your S.O. and include them they are comfortable and should have no issue if you are not being shady and trying to sneak around alone. That is unless your S.O. is a total jealous nut job hahaha

[act00]

I'm also going to pile on the inappropriate aspect. Even without a boyfriend on board, you are fostering a romantic, there is a possibility of "us," type of interaction. He's looking to care and provide for you and your child...bribe...woo you, impress you. You have no feelings for him, but he has feelings for you, and you know it, and you are using those feelings for an all expense paid trip to Disneyland and some nice dinners, entertainment, souvenirs. You are USING him. If you genuinely have no feelings for him, you don't go, or you go only if you can afford your own way, and your daughter's way. If he wants to treat y'all one day for lunch, great...you can turn around with a thank-you meal or treat or activity as well.

 

Where will you be staying? With him? Or will you get a hotel? Who's paying for the accommodations? Who's covering the food situation? Can you afford transportation on your own, or is he your tour guide as well?

 

You're boyfriend has every right to be upset. There is WAY MORE going on than some "platonic friendship" with this little scenario.

[basil67]

I say dump the BF... You know why, because he is a punk.

 

No MAN would allow his serious GF to do this.

 

Do you honestly think there is nothing wrong with even thinking about this?

 

Really?

 

 

There was a guy I knew in real life who said in conversation that he wouldn't allow his girlfriend to do X. I burst out laughing and called him on "allowing" her to do something. And yes, it did become apparent later that he was a toxic control freak.

 

However, it is perfectly reasonable for a guy to leave a woman because he is not OK with her choices.