Bellona Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Well, I've had this story in another forum on here a while back. I dated a guy for 8 months before he went to another state for grad school. He said he didn't want to do a LDR, but we'll keep in touch and see what happens. He came back for part of the summer, but our time was cut short by several weeks.The whole time we were apart, we talked on the phone everyday and e-mailed. We saw each other extensively when he came home, to the point he included me on a family vacation. Now he's back in his new city, but he still calls me 1-2 times a day. I'm moving to a new city now to make a fresh start, and he's talking about different ways/times we can see each other now that we're closer--and we'll see each other when we're home for the holidays. He tells me how even though we're apart, he thinks about me a lot, he cares about me, he wants to see me again, and we're talking about when he can come visit me when I get settled in my new place. Does he hold on because I'm comfortable, or could he possibly come around? He said his feelings are the same--we're just in a different locale. Sometimes he calls to just say goodnight or ask how my day was. It made me cry yesterday. He's holding on, but why?
Art_Critic Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 You talk about how he feels but you never mention how you feel .. How do your feel about him calling all the time and not being able to give you a relationship ? You need to talk with him about how your feel and how you feel he fits into your life. If you want him out ... Tell him
Author Bellona Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 You talk about how he feels but you never mention how you feel .. How do your feel about him calling all the time and not being able to give you a relationship ? You need to talk with him about how your feel and how you feel he fits into your life. If you want him out ... Tell him I am still very much in love with him. I love talking to him as much as I believe he enjoys talking to me, but I can't wait forever for him to go the extra mile for me--and I deserve that. He says he hopes that I count him among the people who love me and support me in my move, and I told him that of course I do. I'm willing to keep in touch and visit and see what develops. If we keep on the same route that we're on, I think we'll eventually end up in the same place together. Neither of us seem to be satisfied without each other, but when you let the head rule the heart... I just wonder if there's a chance he'll ever come around.
millefiori Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Your situation just makes me sad. I'm not sure if he's a jerk or not but I wonder if you're not a bit too nice and a bit too desperate. Put the focus back on your life. I know, I know, it's easier said than done but waiting for him and torturing yourself eventually will not get him closer to you. You're already in very deep. I assume you didn't really expect to end up in this situation and that it would drag on for such a long time, did you? Start preparing yourself to face more pain and more complications, start protecting yourself because this will be a tough ride. I know someone who is also far away. We have contact, on and off, on and off, on and off... It's been going for nearly three years now and let me tell you, I seriously doubt that he has changed a lot during these three years. He's telling me the same stuff that he told me last year and the year before. I'm more impatient than you and I didn't handle the situation then as well as you did but I can imagine if I had been nicer I would have probably got stuck in a similar situation as you are now, an uncommitted relationship. I seriously doubt that your guy will come soon to a conclusion on what he wants now. He's probably too young and afraid of missing things out. You might be perfect for him but still... I wanted to send you a suggestion via pm you but you haven't posted enough. If you post more than 50 I think you can send and receive private messages.
pizzaguy Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 I can't wait forever for him to go the extra mile for me--and I deserve that. What would constitute that extra mile for you? What are you doing to go that extra mile for him? Now he's back in his new city, but he still calls me 1-2 times a day. I'm moving to a new city now to make a fresh start, and he's talking about different ways/times we can see each other now that we're closer--and we'll see each other when we're home for the holidays. He tells me how even though we're apart, he thinks about me a lot, he cares about me, he wants to see me again, and we're talking about when he can come visit me when I get settled in my new place. Sounds like he is already doing a lot under the circumstances and he still wants to be with you.
bluechocolate Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Does he hold on because I'm comfortable, or could he possibly come around? .....but I can't wait forever for him to go the extra mile for me--and I deserve that. Come around to what? And what is "the extra mile"? Does he know about it? Does he know what your expectations are? Does he know how you feel about your LDR & future prospects? Is it your opinion that he is the only one who has to "do" something (whatever that something is)? He's holding on, but why? Because you let him? Aren't you holding on too? As ArtCritic said: You need to talk with him about how your feel and how you feel he fits into your life. If you want him out ... Tell him I think we'll eventually end up in the same place together. Don't delude yourself, nothing will happen unless you both take steps to make it happen, especially with a long distance relationship. Much depends on both of your situations in life, but it should be possible to talk about these things being as frank & honest as possible & come up with a time-line of visits, holidays & eventually both of you living in the same place if that is what you both want.
Author Bellona Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 These are all good suggestions. By "same place eventually" I mean that it has been mentioned as a possibility in the future. It is not being ruled out at all by either of us. It depends on what life's circumstances throw our way and how we handle them. Before, when we were faced by the fact that he'd have to move, we didn't know how things would turn out. But, we endured a 3-month separation and emerged stronger and talked about how we felt about dealing with the distance. I don't make any demands on his time or resources that I have not been willing to offer in return. I think Art_Critic hit the nail on the head when posing this question: How do your feel about him calling all the time and not being able to give you a relationship ? Any LDR requires equal commitment and knowing what each wants--and that's not clear here. I will be seeing this guy very soon and I need to ask him what he wants out of these visits. He is making every effort to stay in touch with me and plans to see me whenever he can, but without having a relationship and acknowledging that--it just feels so empty to me. Right now,I'm busy with my own move and new job. He's being very supportive of the whole process, offering me help and advice or a friendly ear when needed. But during these calls, he reminds me that he misses me and looks forward to seeing me soon. I'm still emotionally tied. Being in a new city and focusing on myself may help me look at things from another perspective and be better able to express to him what I really want--and he'll have to take it or leave it.
eddpad Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Happiness is a perception. There is no one person or situation that will absolutely bring you exactly what you want. It's only how you perceive it. Other than cases of abuse, drug alcohol addiction, compatibility reasons and lack of communication, I can't really fathom why people break up instead of working out their problems instead of breaking up. There seems to be this new wave in the air that people think things are just gonna be all bright and sunny for the rest of their lives. We've all heard the statistics of relaitonships and marriages. I mean, why do you think Depserate Housewives and American Beauty are so popular. They're not just great stories though up by people, they portray an honest representation of the modern marriage, sad really. Sometimes one will leave a perfectly good relationship because one may perceive there is someone or something that much better out there, but in reality, it all boils down to the same old relationship, sure, one might do this or that a little more than the other, but that doesn't mean things will be better for good later on. I'm not saying people should settle for second best, but if you're going to leave someone because you don't get that rush or that kick when you first started going out, then don't get involved at all. Be it soulmate or the love of your life, we're talking about spending a considerable amount of time with another human being, or even living with that person every single day of your life, you have to imagine there's gonna be times you wanna rip his or her head off, that's life. We live in a very individualistic culture oriented country, you're going to feel like this every now and then. The longer a relationship grows, the more the r-ship will depend on companionship, stability, commitment and dedication. Not about whether he or she wants to go do this or that and stand out from the crowd of guys or girls that's out there. If you're constantly comparing your situation to others, then you know you're not ready either. Only someone who is able to be satisfied with not only their partner but themselves, should engage in any type of relationship.
Author Bellona Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 I'm not saying people should settle for second best, but if you're going to leave someone because you don't get that rush or that kick when you first started going out, then don't get involved at all. Only someone who is able to be satisfied with not only their partner but themselves, should engage in any type of relationship. You wrote a very insightful response. No relationship is a rose garden--not even friendships. Issues crop up that require us to be understanding and willing to admit, "I was wrong. I am sorry." It is very difficult for a person to say that. This guy and I have had a fw minor squabbles, but never a shouting match. If there's something going on, we talk it out, say we're sorry, and move on. In our case, it's not a matter of someone leaving because the rush isn't there anymore--we've dated for 9 months and that rush usually goes away after the honeymoon phase when a person's warts and all begin to show. We've been around each other to know those warts pretty intimately. We've helped each other through some pretty rough spots. This is pretty much circumstantial. We both agree that our feelings haven't changed, only our locales. There just comes a time after you've fought so hard for a person that you can only hope things pull through. It's hard to let go of someone you love when the reason why you're not together isn't because you're not compatible. My move will give me a chance to take my mind somewhat off my laments because I'll be productive doing something that I also love very much. Even he admits that work/school where he's at help him deal with being apart. I can't wait to get involved in more volunteer activities and making friends. I'm not looking for another relationship because I know I'd only be making comparisons. If I can't be with the one I love, I need time on my own.
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