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Should I take the pain early and run, or give her more time


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Posted

Hi everyone, I'm at a crossroads and could really use some objective advice

 

I met another woman four months ago, I am also a woman and we are both married to men. She posted an ad looking for FWB, and told me early on that her husband didnt know she was bisexual and it all had to stay "in the vault". My husband knows about me but I wasn't looking for anything serious so at the time I didn't care.

 

Fast forward a few months and unfortunately, I'm head over heels in love with her. She also tells me every day that she loves me, would be even living with me if just she wasn't married. We have become such a part of each other's day, such good friends and the sex is of course amazing. She isnt in love with or attracted to her husband and they seem to lead separate lives and bicker a lot. She tells me I have filled a connection she has been looking for her whole life and never found. I feel like it's leading somewhere between us but twice I've brought it up and both times it didn't go that well. I asked can she see us together, is this going anywhere etc. or does she still see us sneaking around in the back of cars 5 years from now. It tends to come up in the context of possibly going away together which she keeps telling me she wants to do, but then gets cold feet that her husband might get suspicious (he thinks we're friends but obviously suspects more).

 

Last night I finally put it on the table after a couple too many drinks, and asked she ever thinks things could change or if she wants to really stay married to this guy forever. To be clear, its not like I'm proposing, I just want to know if she sees the possibility of a future with me. She won't really answer. I get a lot of "I dont knows" or "its too early to tell, give it more time". And she kind of freaks out and gets angry if I refer to any of the negative things she says about her husband (and there are a lot to choose from).

 

I don't disagree with her that it's early in our relationship and I dont expect her to make promises. But things are so intense between us, I feel like my question is a fair one. Shouldn't I know if we have the same visions, and if we are heading in the same direction? And how can she tell me she wpuld be living with me but freak out if I ask if we have a future? Now she's mad at me for calling her out a bit (I was pretty harsh in some of the things I said - I criticized her monotonous life with her husband and called her out for living a lie... not a smooth move on my part) . Of course I am always the one that ends up apologizing. I shouldn't have said some of the things I did, but I was getting so frustrated with her waffling.

 

I love her and I want to give it time and see where it leads. But my head is asking why the hell I'm doing all this chasing when she is so hesitant to even say the right words to me. I guess my options are (i) bail, and give up a pretty amazing love; (ii) stay and hope and possibly get crushed with a lot of frustration in between; or (iii) stay but try to distance myself from her emotionally, which sounds great but I'm not sure I could do. Any insight/help/thoughts so much appreciated!!!

Posted

So you are asking her to leave her husband but you are also married? When are you leaving your husband?

  • Author
Posted

The discussion we had was that it would always have to be balanced. So if we left our husbands to be with each other, we would both do it together. Sorry, I should have clarified that.

Posted

Jenc, I vote take the pain early and run.

 

The situation has changed, as you are now in love (many will argue that you *think* you're in love).

 

You are not cut out for the FWB arrangement you initially agreed to with your MW. She intends to remain married to the man she bickers with and seemingly lives a separate life with... for whatever reason(s) she is doing that... You are no longer adhering to the rules of this game, though your MW is...

 

There is much ambiguity here, and all of that is to keep your mind in chaos so that she can continue getting her needs met while you keep asking what amounts to rhetorical questions. She gets angry if you bring up running away together (this was NOT part of her agenda). She seems to stall in answering your questions about the matter. You are starting to run ragged (example: by having to ask after you've had a few drinks as opposed to straight up). It all ends in an argument.

 

You are not crazy. She doesn't intend to leave (for whatever reason), and you cannot force her to do so. You also cannot project your love onto her. It is quite possible she loves you, she just doesn't love you enough to do what it is that you want her to do. It is also possible she is wondering what the hell happened here!?!?!? She said, "I am looking for FWB..." Your also being married was supposed to be icing on that cake! Professing love and having passionate sex feeds the fantasy... it could be something of an escape for her, something she desperately looks forward to... until your complaints force her back into the real world or her husband finds out.

 

Read these boards. You'll find that others have been there before. And you'll read all about how these situations usually turn out. You could be the exception; however, based on what you've written, I wouldn't bet my life on it.

 

Run.

  • Like 1
Posted

My question is why are you still married? I remember you from some time ago and you had already left your husband for a woman several years ago. It's clear this is another woman, so you keep repeating the pattern. So why are you still married?

Posted

Vivir couldn’t have said it better. That may be the mistake most of us “broken hearted” OW/OM make. We walk in knowing the realities of the situation. And we likely tell ourselves we can handle it. And then we let our emotions get involved. And it’s not our MM/MW fault. It’s ours. We didn’t hold up our end of the bargain. They have a real relationship and marriage and they deal with all this emotional drama with someone they chose to do that with. They are choosing us to have all the passion and greatness with without the bickering and nagging and explaining.

It does get confusing for us when they bring words like love into the equation but we have to know our limits. From my experience I have realized that all my emotional pain from my A is my own fault. I have stopped blaming MM.

 

RUN NOW... The pain this early on will compare nothing to the pain later on. Good luck

Posted

Jenc, people here will often tell you to look at someone's actions, not their words. What are her actions telling you? She enjoys your company, the friendship, the sex. But she is not making any moves to leave her (apparently bad?!)marriage. She won't even discuss the issue and gets angry when you ask. The anger tells you a lot. She doesn't like that you're "stepping out of line" as the mistress.

 

I know this hurts so much. And it will hurt much more than you could ever begin to imagine if you stay in this. Believe me. I made the mistake of thinking that if the two affair partners love each other, eventually they would both leave to be together. I mean.. why wouldn't they..right? Love is the most important thing. Well, it turns out some people don't want to rock the boat. They just want an affair and then if feelings get involved (for both parties) it just ends up hurting more. Feelings grow. But the ACTIONS rarely change. People rarely change their lives unless they are 100% in it. Sounds like you are 100% . Your AP is just testing waters. You'd do well to tell her what you want and then tell her that you won't accept anything less. I certainly wish I had done that.

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