How do you heal a broken heart?

[imbroke87]

I broke up with my girlfriend last month yet it feels like it was just yesterday. My friends and family were always there by my side after that painful break up. They never failed to make me feel important and worth loving for. They made me realize that they are just always there loving me for who I am and I am beyond blessed for that alone. But I still can’t figure out what it is that my heart is truly looking for. Don’t get me wrong. I am glad they are there for me--- my family and true friends. But it feels like there is still something missing in me. I think I have lost myself too the moment she chose to leave me.

[TurntSloth1]

I'll let you know when I figure it out!

 

In all seriousness though, breaking up sucks and everyone here will tell you that. You've just got to plough through. Embrace the sadness, understand what went wrong then pick yourself up and take the steps to move on. It won't be easy and it will take time, but eventually you will get to a place where you're ok again.

 

Remember, you had a life before her and you will have a life after as well.

You don't need anyone else to complete you.

 

I know it sounds cliche and you're probably sick of it, but going to the gym really does help.

 

I spent about 4 days straight on my sofa moping about my situation a couple of weeks back before I decided enough was enough and I couldn't waste my life worrying about something else any longer. I rounded up a group of friends and had a fun night out, then we all made a schedule and signed up to the same gym so we could go together every day after work. I set myself some goals like learning how to cook a new meal each week and I removed Instagram from my phone completely so I wouldn't be able to check on her anymore. I also bought a diary, wrote down exactly how I was feeling at the time and then put it away. I'll try to update it at least once a week.

 

It's only been a couple of weeks but it's all made such a huge difference to the way I feel on a daily basis and I've remembered the fact that I don't need her to have a good time of feel fulfilled.

 

I'm not the best at advice but hopefully this will go some way to helping you

[preraph]

People who feel they've lost themselves after a breakup sometimes have self-esteem issues. Now, it's perfectly normal to be still hurting one month after a breakup, or even one year. So no worries there. It just sucks. But if you feel like she took your self-esteem with her, then it may be you were using her to prop yourself up and make yourself feel like you were worth something and so when she left, so did your feeling of self-worth. Now, that's just a stab in the dark, but since you said you lost yourself, I think it could be a self-esteem problem. Just something to consider. If it turns into a recurring problem, it is something for therapy to sort out. You shouldn't feel like half a man after a breakup.

[CrisPNugget]

Healing is going to take time and effort. It is not going to happen in a week or even months.... It is up to you, you have to be mentally strong. The first step is to delete everything and get rid of everything that reminds you of that person, I know its hard but "out of sight, out of mind" or at least that's how you need to start. Erase her off social media, erase all the pictures, get rid of everything you have of that person. Once you have done that you need to get to know yourself again. When you are with someone for so long you become "us" and not "you" anymore. Do you remember the things you enjoyed doing before the person? Do that. Or try something new.

 

Heartbreaks are not easy and they take a while but you have to believe you are strong enough to move on. Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk!

[d0nnivain]

How do you heal a cut, a broken bone or a bruise? time.

 

You put some salve on your heart -- surround yourself with supportive friends & family & eat comfort foods.

 

You bandage it up -- purge all the mementos.

 

You don't pick at the wound -- go NC.

 

It's like healing anything else. Self care.

[imbroke87]

How do you heal a cut, a broken bone or a bruise? time.

 

You put some salve on your heart -- surround yourself with supportive friends & family & eat comfort foods.

 

You bandage it up -- purge all the mementos.

 

You don't pick at the wound -- go NC.

 

It's like healing anything else. Self care.

 

 

Hi! Thank you for this sensible reply. I appreciate this and I owe you one!

[imbroke87]

Healing is going to take time and effort. It is not going to happen in a week or even months.... It is up to you, you have to be mentally strong. The first step is to delete everything and get rid of everything that reminds you of that person, I know its hard but "out of sight, out of mind" or at least that's how you need to start. Erase her off social media, erase all the pictures, get rid of everything you have of that person. Once you have done that you need to get to know yourself again. When you are with someone for so long you become "us" and not "you" anymore. Do you remember the things you enjoyed doing before the person? Do that. Or try something new.

 

Heartbreaks are not easy and they take a while but you have to believe you are strong enough to move on. Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk!

 

 

Hi! Thank you for replying to my post and for giving me such nice advice. This is indeed appreciated.

[imbroke87]

People who feel they've lost themselves after a breakup sometimes have self-esteem issues. Now, it's perfectly normal to be still hurting one month after a breakup, or even one year. So no worries there. It just sucks. But if you feel like she took your self-esteem with her, then it may be you were using her to prop yourself up and make yourself feel like you were worth something and so when she left, so did your feeling of self-worth. Now, that's just a stab in the dark, but since you said you lost yourself, I think it could be a self-esteem problem. Just something to consider. If it turns into a recurring problem, it is something for therapy to sort out. You shouldn't feel like half a man after a breakup.

 

Thank you for leaving me with such a life-changing advice. I appreciate how you get my hopes up. Thanks!

[Beachead]

I broke up with my girlfriend last month yet it feels like it was just yesterday. My friends and family were always there by my side after that painful break up. They never failed to make me feel important and worth loving for. They made me realize that they are just always there loving me for who I am and I am beyond blessed for that alone. But I still can’t figure out what it is that my heart is truly looking for. Don’t get me wrong. I am glad they are there for me--- my family and true friends. But it feels like there is still something missing in me. I think I have lost myself too the moment she chose to leave me.

 

1 month is nothing. It's barely enough to get over the shock for some people.

 

People always try to rush themselves when it comes to this stuff. Everyone tells them they should be healing faster. They themselves feel like they should be healing faster too. All this unnecessary pressure to get back onto the horse. "Get on with your life, move on, suck it up, plenty of fish in the sea" they all say. Everybody needs to relax.

Healing a broken heart doesn't work that way. We don't get over it just people get frustrated with us. We can't use will-power to magically change our brain that has physiologically programmed itself into a pattern of being with someone. It's similar to how a computer uses temporary memory storage cache to make day to day computer use fast and efficient. Our brains change to make it easier for us to deal with routine. We heal when we heal.

 

Accept that you're lost, broken up, or hurting over it and to know that feeling this way is okay. It's okay to feel ill toward your ex. It's okay to cry everyday. To want to lay in your bed. These are necessary feelings that need to happen in order for you to process your thoughts and get you out of your slump. If you feel them, it's perfectly normal and healthy. If you bury them..it'll be destructive and will resurface in the future. Grieving is slow and hearts need time to absorb the and accept the cold truths our mind already knows.

 

For many people, denial, resistance or defensive attitudes are common because thinking about it all is overwhelming. We want to defend the person who broke our heart.

We try to deny the anger and pain we are feeling in favour of defending the memory. What we have to do is write out a list of all the bad things they did. Contrary to what our heart is telling us, they are not perfect angels. There are probably a lot of things they did to hurt us or force us to break up that we choose to ignore to savour the memories. Take them off of that pedestal. Let yourself feel anger and pain.

 

Hope is another tough thing to break. We hope that our exes will come back. Maybe they'll realize the new person they're with isn't for them. Maybe if we stay friends with them, they will realize how great we are. There's not much we can do with this except remind ourselves that if they wanted to be with us, they'd be with us and not somewhere else. It's that simple. I have found in my experiences, seeing them with someone else officially destroyed my hope and it was the best thing that could have happened for me despite momentary emotional paralysis.

 

Another initial barrier to beat is knowing that one person does not define who you are and who you will be in the future. You have the ability to reflect on yourself and put the work in to make changes. Knowing that this one person is actually not the entire world and that their feelings/thoughts of you are simply one person's opinion is also crucial. It's just, we love them so their opinion is the world to us. It also takes time to break through that. You can fix this by joining new activities, starting new classes, and doing social things that'll have you meet new people on a friendly level that will show you that you are smart, funny, caring, wanted and needed etc. Spend time trying to be around people who don't want to be around you will make you feel small and unloved. Futhermore, you should also practice how to find peace and joy by yourself through a solo journey. We cannot bank all our self-worth on people.

 

It's this stage of grief that triggers all these irrational emotions and why it is the longest and the hardest to defeat.

 

Time and not giving up on yourself will do the rest of the job. Have things going on in your life that make you feel good. Be with people who don't ignore you but want you in their life and be alone and learn to be okay with it.

 

- Beach

Edited August 16, 2018 by Beachead

[hope86]

I haven't had a good night's, DEEP sleep(8 or 9 hours) for the past 9 years since I fell in love with this married woman which was one sided. She just used me because she was bored of her husband.

 

Infact it is so clear I can literally point to the date when I had a proper sleep. So that girl quite possibly ruined my life for good(I'm still alive but probably existing with spurts of extreme joy but overall depressed). I've been sleeping like 5 to 6 hours of sleep at night and get the "deep" sleep in the noon for an hour or two. Trust me I've given up my noon nap and I still don't go over 6 to 6.5 hours of sleep at night.

 

I've tried CBT, hypnosis, meditation, SSRI pills, dating other women, but I've never TRULY come out of it as my night sleep indicates.

 

So now you tell me if almost a decade isn't enough to get over someone? I mean science has come so far in the medical field and yet for heartache all we get is "Be strong and stay busy". Imagine how retarded that is for 21st century standards. Either make REAL advancements or invent a bloody time machine so we can correct our decisions.

 

My mind tells me that unless I get back my 8-9 hours( and can still go another 1 or 2 hours if not disturbed) at night sleep then I'm not fully healed. All that woman has become is a memory but If I see her in real life again there will be a flood of emotions and I'll try to avoid her.

 

One psychologist recommended EMDR to me but I feel like it's just another gimmicky temporary treatment. I've pretty much given up on being what I was before I met that woman and have accepted my current state.

 

I mean how much can you keep trying till you say that's it. There's a limit to everything.

Edited August 17, 2018 by hope86