she occasionally makes contact

[Baz]

So we split up before xmas.

 

Since then she has called many times saying that she misses me. On occasions we have made plans to meet up but she always cancelled saying she wasn't ready. I haven't seen her since then.

 

She broke up with me saying that she was confused and needed time etc.

 

The problem is she keeps contacting me occasionally. A few weeks ago she sent me a text asking if I wanted photos of our trip to Paris from two years ago. I declined saying that she should save her money and that I have my memories. Anyway a few weeks later I sent her an email saying that on second thoughts it would be good to them. She promised to send them but hasn't. That was a week ago now and I haven't heard a thing apart from one email joke that she sent out to many people including me.

 

She also asked me what was going on in my life including "love". I told her that I had been on a few dates but didn't want much at the moment. She came back and said the same thing. She also said that she was still in therapy and almost hit the wall in the early summer although she is feeling much better now.

 

My question is should I chase up the photos or just let it be? I dont want to appear needy etc but at the same time I want her to understand that i do still love her even though we are both moving on with our lives...

 

Help!

[RecordProducer]

I don't see anything wrong with you requesting the photos from her and even telling her that you still love her.

 

It actually sounds to me like she is dating someone, but vents her disappointments with her guy through occasional contacts with you.

I would ask her what exctly she wants and I would believe her whatever she says if I were you. In other words, if she says she only wants to be friends with you, don't cherish hopes for more.

[Baz]

I think she has been on dates, that much I know but she keeps saying she doesn't want a relationship at all. She said that some of the guy's she has dated wanted to get into a relationship but she wanted to take it slow. I dont know where she is at to be honest. I dont even know why she walked away. She did say she was scared but I dont understand all this stuff.

[ReluctantRomeo]

My question is should I chase up the photos or just let it be? I dont want to appear needy etc but at the same time I want her to understand that i do still love her even though we are both moving on with our lives...

 

If there is any chasing in this situation, it should be her chasing you.

 

Don't try to make her understand that you still love her. Be open to her olive branches, but move on with your life. And, as RecordProducer says, don't get your hopes up.

[Baz]

Would you advise just replying when she gets in touch or should i instigate contact. I dont want to appear keen but equally I want to gently encourage her when possible. For example do I query where the photos are or do I just wait and see if they actually arrive. If they dont just let it be.

 

Also, is it normal in this situation for her to come and go in this disjointed way? Sometimes I hear nothing for 3 or 4 weeks and then i get a barrage of emails followed by nothing. This I find very confusing but I always act with dignity but aloof.

 

Will she tell me if she wants more?

 

thx

[ReluctantRomeo]

Would you advise just replying when she gets in touch or should i instigate contact.

 

Will she tell me if she wants more?

 

To be honest, I wouldn't invest too much hope on this. Maybe it will work, maybe not. In the meantime, get on with your life.

 

Your best shot IMO is to let her take the initiative. Don't instigate contact and don't always be available when she does. She closed the door - she has to open it again.

[Baz]

So I didn't receive the photos. Yesterday i sent her an email just to say that I hadn't received them in case she had sent them. I also gave her a friendly update on what i'm up to.

 

She came back to me saying that she had completely forgotten and was very sorry. She will send them this week.

 

I mentioned to her that I will be moving to the southern hemisphere for the winter on business and she asked if she could come and visit. I said of course she could.

 

She also went on to say that it would be good to speak on the phone sometime but understood of I didn't want to.

 

Ignore my other post it was stupid but I would appreciate some help on what is going on here. Should I wait for her to call now or is she wanting me to call. If so, do I and when?

 

Thx

[Baz]

Update. She contacted me last thursday via text message. It was about nothing, just an excuse to make contact. I was friendly and confident in my responses. It was brief but good. She signed off with "hug" to which I replied the same.

 

I heard nothing until Saturday evening when I sent her a brief text confirming that I had seen something on tv that she had mentioned. She replied briefly with acknowledgement.

 

Last night, sunday, I thought I would call her because of what she said in her email last week ie "it would be good to talk sometime but understand if you dont want to".

 

Anyway it was a little awkward at first as we hadn't spoken since May. She wanted to know where I was with my plans to move abroad and my plans to have a better lifestyle etc and she said it sounded lovely.

 

She then casually slipped into the converstaion that she had been seeing a guy in her town who despite his handsome looks was too boring. (well spotted recordproducer!) I think she said that she has now dumped him because he was a little too dull. i got the impression that they probably meet for the occasional shag though.

 

She then went on to say how much her ex before me had effected her. Even though they split two years ago she still finds it hard to cope with the fact that he is now moving in with his new gf and they are expecting a kid together. I was a little surpised by this but I guess that it is understandable as they were together for 7 years. She kept saying that she thinks his new gf will probably leave him in 2 years time because it has all happened so quickly.

 

The other thing that she quizzed me about was my relationship with my ex who moved back to my town two months ago. She wanted to know if there was anything going on there and asked if it was weird having her around again. I told her that Im not seeing her but we do spend time together.

 

Finally after about 4o minutes she said that she had to get going as there was something on tv she wanted to watch. I said thanks for chatting and that it was good to hear her and she said likewise lets do it again sometime. She wished me well for my plans and that was it.

 

Needless to say my head is spinning now. I feel sad because she has been stringing me along all year saying things like "as and when she is ready for a relationship she will let me know". Obviously that wasn't the case. Her lack of empathy is incredible towards me, its almost like I never existed in her life. There is this new guy and her ex and I was just nothing.

 

Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated as im very low now.

 

thx

[dr strangelove]

Hmm what makes you think she isnt interested? She is fishing for information, and perhaps giving you hints..

 

Plus the old, oh I forgot to send something and then she wants to talk to you more.. sometimes women do things to see how interested you are.

 

It wouldnt hurt to keep in touch probably, and she did mention coming to visit you.. sorry but women I know that say that, have some romantic interest.

 

Its your call what you do, sometimes things are not worth the effort and risk other times they are.

 

If I still had my ex talking to me I would have had her back by now... figure that out.

[Baz]

Well, I know that I gave nothing away re my emotions last night. It was incredibly difficult not to crack off when she said that she had been seeing this other guy but I managed to let it wash over me and remained positive. I didn't pass comment or flinch. I remained constant throughout.

 

Im sure she knows that she has hurt me but she offered no apology for the way that she has behaved. I have supported her throughout only to have her humiliate me like this. Is it a defence thing? Did she want me to sound off? I have no idea but I am so very disapointed in her. I really thought she was better than this.

 

I will continue to portray that I am moving on and dont seem bothered by her carrying ons. In part this is true because I am moving away but I do feel very hurt.

 

Despite her behaviour I do crave her - why?

 

Maybe in a bizzare sort of way she was trying to protect me. Or am I being too nice?

 

God this is tough.

[upsetnhurt]

I'm confused Baz.......how long after her ex did she start dating you and for how long did it last as you mentioned it was off in Christmas time. I am not so sure she is interested in you in a romantic way yet she is interested in to find out how you have fared subsequent to the breakup with her. I am sure she cares in her own way. I get the sense that you were her rebound from her 7 yr relationship, thus her feelings for you were never as strong as yours for her being that she was still emotionally unavailable and needed time to heal. Could this be?

[Baz]

Hi Upsetnhurt,

 

There is a very strong case for this. I was definately the rebound guy I think. We actually started seeing each other while she was still with her ex. She wasnt happy and wanted out from him. Following her break up we were together for about 2 years. You should know that this was a LDR too. We were extremely close but on numerous occasions she would do the most bizzare things like ignore me for hours on end when we met!

 

I know what you all think - I must be crazy, but I went with it.

 

We had some wonderful times together. She did say once that we met too soon and that she should have taken time out after splitting up - maybe thats what this is!

 

So I guess you are right. I think she knows that I am good for her but still cant comit but equally cant let go of something that could be perfect. In the meantime she is out there in the market trying to get her head straight dating other guys.

 

This is why all I can do is give her that space. If she values me then maybe oneday she will find a way back to me but in the meantime she just wants me there.

 

I dont want a relationship either at the moment. Im too damaged by what has gone on but as I move away from her im sure that will change

 

Does this make sense?

[upsetnhurt]

You are making so much sense Baz..........I am living through the same experiences as you went through and in no way will anyone look down upon you for putting up with it. Believe me...you have not had to deal with half the crap I have yet it just shows that we both had significant feelings for our ex's. Sit back just as I have and fully realize that you have done all you could to show her that you wanted to be there for her. Also reflect on what you truly got out of the relationship with her. When I sit back I realize that she hurt me, angered me, disappointed me in every way outside of a few moments of happiness and some great physical chemistry. I look back now don't blame her too much as she didn't know how to handle the situations either dealt with it the best she could. She cared yet could not open her heart to let me in as she was still dealing with past issues.

 

So.......it has been a growing experience for me too and will be for you. You will never sit back and let some of these actions go on in front of your eyes without speaking up on your behalf. You know what you deserve from someone and you should be excited to find it. If it is from her....so be it yet she HAS to be the one to dictate those discussions and earn your respect back. Don't call her nor do anything for her.

[Baz]

What a spectrum of emotions I am travelling through right now. Yesterday I could see quite clearly that she has so many issues to address in her life. That there was no room for love in her life, only intimacy. She has found a pretty boy to satisfy her sexual needs but was not challenged by his interlect. I doubt that he will dispear off the scene totally, why should he he serves a good purpose.

 

Today I miss her terribly. I wake up and there is this cloud hanging over me which takes me several hours to push away.

 

She was so keen to tell me that she had dumped this guy because he had nothing to offer interlectually. When they went out to restaurants he would just sit there. Funnily enough she would do that with me when we went out together. Maybe she is trying to tell me something here. Tell me that she now knows how odd her silences must have been. That she is changing.

 

She also told me that she is now eating all meats. This is a girl who was a dedicated vegetarian and bulimic. I congratulated her and said I was very pleased with her achievement. I had been worried because she was eating rubbish.

 

What is a man to do except be there and be strong and supportive of all that she shares with me.

 

Ladies am I being stupid. By me behaving this way will she value our current relationship more? Am I showing her strength and a matureness that will make her think about me differently as a person or will she just allow her narcisstic behaviour to devour the attention that I supply her until the next time she is feeling low.

 

Ladies?

[upsetnhurt]

Baz,

 

I am not a lady yet I can tell you one thing........she has issues! Regardless of how nice you are she has many problems that she will have to resolve on her own. Do you really want to be there for someone who has put you through this hurt and disappointment or are you just missing the companionship of another? What exactly did you "love" about this girl because I can see her return of that "love" is simply to rub stories of other men in your face..............

 

Ironically I am up at the wee hours too as I woke up at 4 with the same crazy thoughts as you of my ex. It is pretty much a standard thing now and I find realize it is a symptom of depression. When your sleeping pattern gets better you will realize you are making strides. Best of luck.

[Baz]

You are right of course. Her behaviour is most odd but then again we are not dating and she is at liberty to see who she likes. Her communication is terrile and by dropping things into the conversation is her way of letting me know things. Equally I could do the same and indeed have. I tell her that I have been dating people too.

 

To be honest I would rather know that she is seeing someone rather than her keep it a secret. Honesty is the best policy for me.

 

I do hear what you say but I think women do talk in a different ways to men and because of this we tend to end up missing the true meaning of what it is they are trying to convey. I could be wrong.

 

What do you think. Appreciate your response.

[isabellaraviv]

i say just ask her. it sounds really confusing and silly to me.

[bendit]

Baz,

 

this woman can't go through life without a man in her life. she had you while she was still playing X and now she is dating and she is making sure you are still "there" for her just in case. These kind of people are selfish to the core. They think only of themselves. There is no thought at all of how this is effecting you and your ability to move on. Its always the partner that has QUICKLY moved on that initiates the contact and confuses the one left behind. So I would really do a self examination here and ask do you really want to be manipulated like this or do you want to move on fully and start to get what you want and deserve in life. I have been there many times. Having a relationship with an X that is just "there" and not really going anywhere will keep you locked up emotionally and stuck and unable to move forward, and can spill over into your everyday life. think.

 

regards

 

mike

[Baz]

Thx bendit,

 

Are you suggesting that I just severe all contact with her now and ignore any advances from her? Ie full no contact.

 

If this is how you dealt with your situation how did you cope with your emotions as a result of this inhumane approach to breaking away. I find it so tough personally to deal with this approach because I am too "nice"...

[bendit]

Thx bendit,

 

Are you suggesting that I just severe all contact with her now and ignore any advances from her? Ie full no contact.

 

If this is how you dealt with your situation how did you cope with your emotions as a result of this inhumane approach to breaking away. I find it so tough personally to deal with this approach because I am too "nice"...

 

That's the problem. She is exploiting the fact that you are a nice guy. That's me in a nutshell too! So think. Here she is playing the field dating and who knows what else. And she has you pining away for her knowing that you can't move on because she is so fabulous and such a catch. Sure its tough to go full NC. But it gets easier by the day and it will provide strength for your entire life to know you can handle it when someone treats you like this.

 

You don't think she is telling her new dates that she left some guy out there heartbroken in a mess who she can call anytime she wants and get a reaction? It gives her power. It makes her feel GOOD because she can validate herself as the "good" girl who shuns your advances to get back together. She can pose as the strong one.

 

It is NOT inhumane to go FULL NO CONTACT. Its actually more inhumane to string someone along and not let them move on. If she was truly truly in love with you, could she "move on" so quickly? No. I sure can't after being in a close relationship. I need some time to assess what went wrong and how to do better next time. That takes introspection. Isn't it strange how these people don't seem to need that introspection and can bounce from one partner to the other so effortlessly? The reason is because their feelings never did run as deep as yours and there is a good change they were just fake to begin with.

 

So if I were you I would show some strength and go NC for yourself. And it will make you stronger in her eyes and make her do some chasing. At a minimum, don't be there all the time. When she calls let it go to voice mail and return the call three days later saying I just noticed your message. Or if she emails wait four days and say I just noticed your message. Be vague in your responses.

 

But that's not the real way to do it, nor is it the best. The real way is to buck up go through the pain and respect yourself and move on with dignity. Don't feed the ego of these people who simply think about themselves and could care less about how this is effecting you. Don't let her visit! Find a new girlfriend and move on. Run through your goals and desires for your life and realize that anytime stuck in the mud with this woman is going to set you back.

Go full NC. You can do it and you will be much much better off for it. Be strong. Mark the days off that go by and soon you will be through this and your life will be back on track.

 

regards

 

Mike

[Baz]

You are may be right in what you say and I appreciate your comments very much. So now im going to throw in a swerve ball!

 

I have since December dated my ex ex on numerous occasions and, sometimes we end up in the sack together. In essence I know this isn't moving on in the real sense of the word and you should know that my ex ex knows exactly what is going on in my emotional world so im not messing her around either. We support each other because we have both been thorugh a hard time professionally and personally recently. Whats weird is that we are very fond of each other but at the moment we just cant seem to connect totally. Having said that who know what the future holds.

 

My ex seemed to be very aware that my ex ex is around and wanted to know what relationship I have with her. I told her that nothing was going on but we did spend a lot of time together. Perhaps in hindsight I should have told her that yes, I am seeing my ex ex again but that is too easy and none of her business.

 

Also, I am packing up and moving away for the winter which has caught my ex's attention. I think she is beginning to see that I dont actually need her in my life and that is why there is this blip of interest.

 

I also genuinely believe that she is trying to address her issues, all be it in a very immature way. there is no doubt that she is a damaged girl. yes it is painful knowing that she is shagging around but hey so have I and she probably knows that and feels odd too, so who is right and who is wrong?

 

This is deeper than that. This is about a very strange f'ked up girl trying very hard to understand who she is and why she ticks the way she does. She is scared of relationships becasue she is damaged. I cant resent her or dicate to her because she has been shagging some pretty boy with no brain. In fact i pity her. She knows that it is now up to her to decide with whom she moves forwards with. I continue to remain balanced when speaking with her but emotionally I give nothing away. To her that isn't weak that is strong. I dont beg her for anything im just "there". She does not see my confusion and this confusion is not holding me back either. She knows that Im moving my life forwards but at the same time she knows deep down that I am very fond of her. I have done all I can do but ultimately I am the prize not her.

 

Love is about undertanding and letting go as much as it is about togetherness. I abhore the arrogance of love as interpretted by so many blokes. Who the fck do we think we are. Women owe us nothing yet we expect everything from them. Blokes have got to stop believing that they have entitlement in relationships. thye have no rights. People are free to come and go as they please, you cant stop that or dictate it.

 

In this day and age with women having so much freedom and flexibility any bloke going into a relationship with primitive arrogant values and beliefs will be sniffed out and rejected. I should know, I was one but im changing and im now conveying that in the way that I conduct myself with her. If there is any chance of having a relationship in the future and healing at the same time then I would rather remain in contact and show my strength of character than walk away in silence.

 

I actually cant wait to meet the next women in my life because I know it will be so much more rewarding.

 

Sorry to harp on but that is what this post is about I think - conducting oneself with dignity while having the strength to understand and address personal emotional issues. It is about strength in the face of adversity. In my opinion NC is an undignified cowards way out. If you can heal, and still be seen then that is cool.

 

I know I have winged on about this and that with my ex but im learning about me as I go not ner.

 

Cheers again bendit I do really appreciate your commnets but this is an intersting debate and your views and support are truly valued so thank you...

[bendit]

yes she is damaged...and you and her are perfoming a dance of the dysfunctional...this is doing damage all around...be aware of your role in it. be aware what sleeping with her does to her new so called boyfriend / chump. and be aware that if you ever do take her back your mind will be occupied with

which ex is she with "tonight"?

 

the truth does come out doesn't it? you're very aware how dysfunctional this

is and how damgaged she is and your damaging role, which is the caretaker / saviour. that role for you is going to be very very troubling indeed throughout your life unless you somehow come to terms with it and realize that role will just sap your lifeforce right out of you. but you know this already...today you like dancing close to the flame. you won't get singed.

 

regards

 

mike

[Baz]

Thx bendit,

 

I hear what you are saying.

 

So, how should I finally deal with it once and for all. Ignore her or ask to leave me alone?

[bendit]

Thx bendit,

 

I hear what you are saying.

 

So, how should I finally deal with it once and for all. Ignore her or ask to leave me alone?

 

 

Hey Man...how do you want your life to go? what do you want out of life? Do you want to create MORE Bad Karma or do you want to gather your life force and energy and use it to make your life as happy as possible and to do good things for your family friends and other citizens of the world? Or, do you want to continue to particpate in a SOAP, a pathetic drama that you and a few others are in on? We can't save sick people. They aren't our resonsibility. We didn't cause their problems and yet they will manage just fine.

 

I just learned all this and I am older than you but think about who you admire respect and think are doing great things in life and ask what would they do? would they be a party to this mini soap opera? Ask what you are getting out of this. Notice how you feel. Does it enrich you? Does it energize you? Does it leave your mind free to do everything you need to do in life? The best thing to do is is simply tell her you are moving on and stick to your guns 100% and go NC and get through it. Then take the time to do a self assesment and figure out what attracted you to disfunction. Learn about the consequences of our selfish behaviour then do what it takes to be a better person. Yes it may mean having less sex and going to less parties. For me it wa all about my neediness of women. I allowed women who didn't deserve to be in my life IN because of my neediness. The rewards down the road are undeniable if you can be strong now. Best of luck to you.

 

regards

 

Mike

[Baz]

You are speaking sense - I know that.

 

thx for your insight it is much appreciated. Deep down I have known this all along. It has been a dance, that there is no doubt. To be honest I have suspected she has a personality dissorder because so much of her life was so odd - maybe narcisisstic. From there I progressed to identifying my own codependancy issues. It all makes perfect sense.

 

Part of moving away is to clean the slate and start that voyage of self discovery and enlightenment. To be honest Im looking forwards to it because it will signify a new beginning for me in may ways. By the way im a bit of an old fart too!

 

thx for tidying my mind I feel good for that.

 

Stay well