Xosydxo Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Hi everyone I’m new to this forum. I’ve been dating this guy for about 5 weeks and had 5-6 dates so far. From date two he told me he’s not much of a texter which I figured and I didn’t pay much attention in the beginning because he set up dates and never flaked and always seemed excited to see me. We have not had sex yet but have kissed and etc. But recently I’ve been feeling down because I realize he doesn’t communicate much in between dates. He can go 2-3 days or so without contacting me and he doesn’t really seem to do phone calls either. Our 5th date together we both spent quality time together and kissed and before he dropped me off he asked me if I wanted to do a day trip with him which i agreed to but haven’t heard from him, so yesterday I texted him a funny inside joke just to keep our momentum up but the conversation ended. We haven’t set up our next date yet so I’m slightly worried he won’t get back to me this week about our next one and I’m scared he’s going to lose interest in me. Thing is I know he’s not a texter but not texting much in between dates makes me very insecure...what do you guys think I should do? Should I wait for him to get back to me this week? And do you guys think he’s moving towards a relationship?
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 He's giving you what he can. You want more. He may not have it to give you but in your shoes I would initiate 1 additional phone call between dates. Also next time you are together tell him you acknowledge what he said about being a bad texters but admit that you thought you could hand it but are finding that it's making you anxious so ask if he could step it up a bit & maybe just say good morning or good night 3-4x per week. Don't ask for too much & be very specific in your ask. If he won't meet you part way . .. him giving a bit more & you accepting less, then that will be a problem. 2
stillafool Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 If this guy has taken you out 5-6 times in 5 weeks why wouldn't you think he's interested? He probably doesn't need constant communication when he's dating someone. Without time apart what is there to talk about when you see each other? 3
damni Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I have always found a man who does not keep in contact between dates is not very interested and the relationship never ends up going anywhere. I would tell him you like to have more communication between dates, if he cant do that then I would start dating other men again. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I have always found a man who does not keep in contact between dates is not very interested and the relationship never ends up going anywhere. There is a difference between more & constant. People today want their brand new SOs to text them GM & GN every day. Some new guy did that to me I'd dump his ass for being clingy, needy & smothering. In fact the one guy I dated started to do that & I had to tell him to stop. I was like I just met you. I don't talk to many people on a daily basis & you are not on the short list yet. Dial it back or I'm outta here. He respected my desire for independence & space. We ended up dating for more than 2 years. 2
damni Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 There is a difference between more & constant. People today want their brand new SOs to text them GM & GN every day. Some new guy did that to me I'd dump his ass for being clingy, needy & smothering. In fact the one guy I dated started to do that & I had to tell him to stop. I was like I just met you. I don't talk to many people on a daily basis & you are not on the short list yet. Dial it back or I'm outta here. He respected my desire for independence & space. We ended up dating for more than 2 years. But surely you would want a text at least once a day to check in? I been dating my current guy for three months, things have settled down but he still texts me couple times during the day to check in... I have been OD for a long time and the guys who skipped days of contacts always ended up fading, if a man is into you...you know.
Author Xosydxo Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 Do you think it’s not too early to bring up his texting habits? I’m so scared to ask because I don’t want to appear as needy but you’re right about it. I don’t need texts all the time either but maybe just a check in here and there.
Author Xosydxo Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 If this guy has taken you out 5-6 times in 5 weeks why wouldn't you think he's interested? He probably doesn't need constant communication when he's dating someone. Without time apart what is there to talk about when you see each other? I guess I’m used to more frequent communication So it makes me very anxious and uncomfortable when I don’t hear from them
stillafool Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I swear I'm married and wish my husband would sometimes not contact me during the day but wait until he gets home to talk to me. I've run out of things to talk about by the time he gets home. When I was dating I definitely wouldn't have put up with constant contact because I don't have time for that. It never bothers me to go 1 or 2 days without talking at all because I have so many other things to do plus I need time to myself. I need time to miss someone. 1
stillafool Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I guess I’m used to more frequent communication So it makes me very anxious and uncomfortable when I don’t hear from them What are you doing when you are apart? Aren't you busy?
Author Xosydxo Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 What are you doing when you are apart? Aren't you busy? Currently work has been slow and I was in the process of finishing applications for grad school which I finished so most of the time I’m not as busy. He as well is finishing up grad apps so maybe he could be busy with that. But it sucks because I don’t have anything to distract myself with.
Author Xosydxo Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 What are you doing when you are apart? Aren't you busy? I tried dating other guys but it’s really hard because I am only interested in him now...
damni Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I swear I'm married and wish my husband would sometimes not contact me during the day but wait until he gets home to talk to me. I've run out of things to talk about by the time he gets home. When I was dating I definitely wouldn't have put up with constant contact because I don't have time for that. It never bothers me to go 1 or 2 days without talking at all because I have so many other things to do plus I need time to myself. I need time to miss someone. Texting habits when you are in a committed relationship do not mean much. When you are dating though, the man should be trying to woo the woman and maintain her interest. This guy has not set up the next date nor has he been in contact. Sign of LOW INTEREST. OP I have dated these type of men before and it never ends well. On your next date, bring it up how you like much communication between dates and see his reaction. When I brought this very subject up to one guy, he got freaked out and said "I do not have much spare time!" He ended up going back to his ex a month later! 1
Author Xosydxo Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 Texting habits when you are in a committed relationship do not mean much. When you are dating though, the man should be trying to woo the woman and maintain her interest. This guy has not set up the next date nor has he been in contact. Sign of LOW INTEREST. OP I have dated these type of men before and it never ends well. On your next date, bring it up how you like much communication between dates and see his reaction. When I brought this very subject up to one guy, he got freaked out and said "I do not have much spare time!" He ended up going back to his ex a month later! What I noticed about him is he sets of dates mid week kinda... because he did mention during our last date that we should try going to this bar I brought up earlier. But didn’t make a time or day. But even so, what makes me most anxious is the communication in between dates.
Zahara Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 But surely you would want a text at least once a day to check in? I been dating my current guy for three months, things have settled down but he still texts me couple times during the day to check in... I have been OD for a long time and the guys who skipped days of contacts always ended up fading, if a man is into you...you know. I agree with Damni. I can't speak for this guy but from my experience with dating, when a man goes silent in between dates, he's not very interested. A man that is interested in you is going to want to keep the momentum going and and he's going to want to hold your attention. The ones that told me they didn't like texting or talking on the phone usually had a different agenda. That was their way of limiting establishing a connection because they weren't really serious. Plus he's not rushing to block his time with you. I would bring it up to him and let him know it is important to you. If he is interested in you, he will compromise. If he isn't, he'll dismiss how you feel and remind you that he is not into communicating. I am a person that needs communication. I don't need the man I am dating to spend hours with me everyday on the phone but a quick check-in via text or a call once in awhile between dates, especially when it is new isn't difficult to do when someone is interested in you. I've been in a relationship now for nearly two years and he still texts me every morning and we talk on the phone at night before heading to bed, even if it's just for a few minutes. 1
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) I guess I’m used to more frequent communication So it makes me very anxious and uncomfortable when I don’t hear from them Then you are dating the wrong guy. First impressions count. He told you up front he isn't much of a texter...that is him setting a boundary. He's not going to text any more than what he does no matter what you say to him. He has only seen you about once a week so far. To me that says he's dating others/keeping his options open. IMO you are feeling anxious for a reason...he doesn't treat you the way you expect to be treated....that says incompatibility. One thing I learned, don't drop your expectations just because you like someone. You are just setting yourself up for failure. Edited August 14, 2018 by smackie9 1
TheFinalWord Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) Hi everyone I’m new to this forum. I’ve been dating this guy for about 5 weeks and had 5-6 dates so far. From date two he told me he’s not much of a texter which I figured and I didn’t pay much attention in the beginning because he set up dates and never flaked and always seemed excited to see me. We have not had sex yet but have kissed and etc. But recently I’ve been feeling down because I realize he doesn’t communicate much in between dates. He can go 2-3 days or so without contacting me and he doesn’t really seem to do phone calls either. Our 5th date together we both spent quality time together and kissed and before he dropped me off he asked me if I wanted to do a day trip with him which i agreed to but haven’t heard from him, so yesterday I texted him a funny inside joke just to keep our momentum up but the conversation ended. We haven’t set up our next date yet so I’m slightly worried he won’t get back to me this week about our next one and I’m scared he’s going to lose interest in me. Thing is I know he’s not a texter but not texting much in between dates makes me very insecure...what do you guys think I should do? Should I wait for him to get back to me this week? And do you guys think he’s moving towards a relationship? The most important thing is that the two of you are going on dates. That is all that matters. You're had a few dates together and he is keeping those and setting the dates. That he hasn't thrown his entire life aside for a girl he's only known for a month tells me he is mentally healthy and not needy. Those are positive signs. You know he isn't just after sex because he hasn't pushed for that and that he is going on dates with you which says that he enjoys your company. This is just your own insecurity and that is something you need to put in check. Please don't project your insecurity onto this guy. That will kill the momentum way faster than under-texting, at least from a guy's perspective. I would recommend to let him continue leading the way. If he starts flaking on dates that is when you can be concerned. Why are you worried about it going towards a relationship so quickly? It's only been a month. Don't you want to get to know him better to see if he is someone you are compatible with for a relationship? You find that out by spending time together in each other's presence. A relationship isn't built through texting and phone calls. It's built by spending time together in each other's physical company. That is occurring at a normal pace. If you start acting insecure and putting ultimatum's on the table that he needs to text you more often, then no I would say he will lose interest and won't want to pursue a relationship. Edited August 14, 2018 by TheFinalWord 1
Author Xosydxo Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 The most important thing is that the two of you are going on dates. That is all that matters. You're had a few dates together and he is keeping those and setting the dates. That he hasn't thrown his entire life aside for a girl he's only known for a month tells me he is mentally healthy and not needy. Those are positive signs. You know he isn't just after sex because he hasn't pushed for that and that he is going on dates with you which says that he enjoys your company. This is just your own insecurity and that is something you need to put in check. Please don't project your insecurity onto this guy. That will kill the momentum way faster than under-texting, at least from a guy's perspective. I would recommend to let him continue leading the way. If he starts flaking on dates that is when you can be concerned. Why are you worried about it going towards a relationship so quickly? It's only been a month. Don't you want to get to know him better to see if he is someone you are compatible with for a relationship? You find that out by spending time together in each other's presence. A relationship isn't built through texting and phone calls. It's built by spending time together in each other's physical company. That is occurring at a normal pace. If you start acting insecure and putting ultimatum's on the table that he needs to text you more often, then no I would say he will lose interest and won't want to pursue a relationship. Thank you for your response. I think I’m so used to texting so much that I’m not realizing he actually is setting up dates and I’m still getting to know him to see if we’re compatible. I need to work on myself I think 2
Desesperado Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 (edited) Even as a man, I prefer women who communicate with me on a daily basis, still not whole day keeping stuff for face time and I get frustrated otherwhise, you should maybe find someone who communicates in a manner you prefer. Though on the other side, women always simplifying that if he doesn't communicate he's then no very interested, maybe... But let me tell you like my current date, which jumped on me after 4 dates and we had sex, now weeks after she still doesn't initiate anything, that was okay for the first month, but now I'm pretty annoyed by it and I'm not texting her anymore. She's making me loose interest because did the totally one sided courting and I don't want this anymore, maybe he's in the same spot... At some point you have to own up the dating and make steps yourself, we're in an age of wanting equality, but too often men still need to take the lead and women don't take initiatives, if you want it don't stand and wait this is ridiculous. Edited August 14, 2018 by Desesperado
d0nnivain Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 But surely you would want a text at least once a day to check in? . Oh hell no. What am I the guy's freakin' parole officer? No I don't want to check in with anybody & I certainly don't want them checking in with me. If I just met you, I do not want to see you more than once per week & do not want to hear from you more then 2-3 times per week in any forum -- text, calls, social media, smoke signals, etc. I value my privacy / down time. After about a month or two that can go up to 2-3 meetings / dates per week but the BS in between, oh hell no. I speak to the people in my office on a daily basis, anybody I am living with (roommates, lovers &/or SOs) & when they were alive, my elderly parents. Even then I only talked to them daily later in life for safety reasons; when they had been in good health through my 20s - 30s, I spoke to them once per week. It takes me months to feel comfortable interacting with SO on a daily basis. I do understand that I am in the minority & most people prefer waaaayyyy more contact then I can tolerate early on. Do you think it’s not too early to bring up his texting habits? I’m so scared to ask because I don’t want to appear as needy but you’re right about it. I don’t need texts all the time either but maybe just a check in here and there. It's your relationship too, right? If you want something you get to express your desire. You can't go from what he's doing now to daily texting. He is not that guy, but if you say to him it would make you smile & feel cared about if he texted perhaps 2-3x per week, that is not needy. That is knowing yourself.
preraph Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 It would drive me crazy to be texting daily between dates. Then you know everything and the new wears off quicker and it just becomes a pain to keep it up, and then when you see each other, there is nothing fresh to talk about. He's an adult and he's busy. He isn't insecure, but you are, and that's unattractive. What if you set this precedent that you have to keep tabs on each other constantly and then have his twins. THEN who will be the one thinking it's too much? Be careful how you start off. He's just dating you. He may be dating someone else or not. But likely he's just trying to stay focused on his work or school or whatever it is and not waste time. Texting banal stuff is boring. Nearly everyone gets tired of it and wishes they'd never insisted on getting it started if it lasts long enough. Then they go sit down at dinner: What did you do this week? Oh, remember I told you already I took my dog to the vet. Do you want to hear about it again? What else? Nothing really. I spent most of the week just texting you, I guess. Oh, well, that's fascinating. If you have time on your hands, spend it doing interesting stuff so you have interesting stuff to talk about on your next date. This guy has been reliable. Be grateful. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 Then you are dating the wrong guy. First impressions count. He told you up front he isn't much of a texter...that is him setting a boundary. He's not going to text any more than what he does no matter what you say to him. He has only seen you about once a week so far. To me that says he's dating others/keeping his options open. IMO you are feeling anxious for a reason...he doesn't treat you the way you expect to be treated....that says incompatibility. One thing I learned, don't drop your expectations just because you like someone. You are just setting yourself up for failure. OP, you've gotten a lot of good responses!!! Including smackie's above. I think it's a tough position to be in and agree with a lot of the differing perspectives. Potentially your communication styles might just not match up. I think a date a week shows that he is interested--to what extent, it's hard to tell what the end point will be. I think your anxiety is stemming from the fact that more constant communication would reassure you and that you don't know where you guys will end up but you've decided where you want it to. Dial it back. How can you really know where you want it to end up only 5-6 dates in? People have a lot of sides to them and it takes a while to unfold. I personally don't believe that a statement of intentions upfront at this stage is more meaningful or realistic because chances are he does not know himself where this will end up. So try to break up the whole process dating him into much smaller steps, time frames and expectations. Just have fun, rather than worrying or wanting to know where it is going. I am with some of the others. I would rather have a sincere funny or genuine but more random text even if it less consistent and even spaced out a day or so than a good morning, good night that is boring, uninspired and not from genuine motivation to contact you or momentum that is real. At the early stages of dating anyway, IMO, it's better to have a lot of conversations and banter in person and save for the date--unless he is good with banter and little funny texts. If he's not, I guess I'm in the camp where I'd rather he'd not blow it and bore me with bad texting or some rote good morning, good night. That said, take it upon yourself to text him--but IMO same goes for you. You don't want to send boring or nothing texts which really a veiled attempt to get reassurance ("we still on"; "we still on as a couple"; "do you like me" , "are you thinking about me" as the undertone). I would do it to build connection. If I was struggling with what to text, that's a pretty good sign not to send one. Maybe it's also because you have a lull with grad school applications and not much else going on. If you were busier would you be as needy? I agree with smackie about expectations, not dropping them etc and that you just might be incompatible. I really think in the nicest possible way that you should say a little something that you would like to hear from him more. I think the girls who end up with guys kinda wrapped around their fingers actually tend to be a little more demanding up front and at the beginning. Like often in retrospect, you will hear the guy tell a story of them at the beginning and he will be like then she did xyz like putting him in his place or putting the relationship on shaky grounds because of how she wants it. That can be a good thing. Like say, "i know you 'said' you aren't a good texter, but i want more" or something like that. Basically refute his boundary. Don't be afraid to speak up like you are desperate to hold onto a relationship so much so that it will only be on his terms. But not angry or fighting mode or tone. If i was in your situation, I would tease him or give him sh*t because that's me. Also not speaking up typically gives a person anxiety because you ARE living your life on someone else's terms. Lastly, I think maybe reassess the importance of this particular measure (texting) as a reflection of how much he likes you or where this thing is going. it may be reflective; it may not be. I wouldn't throw away a good guy just because he didn't express his interest in me in exactly the way I expect. i would try to understand who he is as person & how he treats me otherwise to try to get the total picture. Lots of guys just text to set up when/where and are remarkably efficient with words. Why say "ok" when "k" conveys the same thing? Lol, you get the picture? So i don't think a lot of them are built for the back and forth, longer texting that we are. And even if you get that, they typically are wired to drop off first like ok i guess we are done talking---when you are so NOT done but you can't really enforce or explain that (to him or yourself) but then it will become your next concern--I suspect part of the issue is you are looking for reassurance in the texting that it just can't give you at the stage (ever possibly). So you could also try calling him sometimes. I think that can open a guy up and build a better connection anyway. And if he's a typical guy, he won't answer if he's in the middle of something---see where I'm going with this? They often are just not wired the same way we are. It's probably too soon to tell if you guys are incompatible or you should keep him around in spite of being a bad texter or if you will find some ways around. Stating up front that he's a bad texter would have me on alert though a bit. I think it's a possible bad sign when a guy who is trying to date you tells you what you WON'T be getting--like to lower your expectations. I wouldn't judge it alone but in the big picture though.Good luck
TheFinalWord Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 Thank you for your response. I think I’m so used to texting so much that I’m not realizing he actually is setting up dates and I’m still getting to know him to see if we’re compatible. I need to work on myself I think It's okay! You are already one step ahead because you are open to advice and seeing other perspectives. So far, he has treated you well and is taking you on dates at a healthy, normal pace. At this point, I think you have been dating long enough that you could also set up a date if you would like. He might like that. Good luck!
stillafool Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 I tried dating other guys but it’s really hard because I am only interested in him now... I didn't mean date but maybe call up your girl friends and do something fun to keep you busy. It also gives you time to work on yourself, work out, take care of skin and hair and other pampering of yourself. Treat yourself to something yummy to eat, watch girl flicks, shop and the list goes on.
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