Zteps Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Hi everyone, I met this girl one night. We went for drinks the following week Since then she's come over twice and we've been intimate each time. I find her attractive and we get along well but for reasons I won't get into I don't feel she is the right one for me. I keep telling myself I have to tell her my thoughts because I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her to miss out on "her person". The "problem" is the sex is so good and she offers "emotional fixes" for me that no matter how many times I tell myself I have to be upfront with her that I don't want things to get serious I can't do it. The ideal scenario for me is that we remain friends with benefits with no one getting hurt and 100% openness and honest with one another while we look for "our person".
smackie9 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Just tell her you are not looking for anything serious...if you don't you are just being vampire sucking her dry. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Tell her what you told us - that while you enjoy her company and respect her, you want to be honest that you don't see a future with her. Let her decide if she'd like no-strings sex on the table, but be crystal clear that is all it will ever be. If she goes for it, behave accordingly. Don't talk every day, don't take her on romantic dates, don't be her numero uno emotional support system. In other words, don't behave like a boyfriend if you have no intention of becoming that. If you sense that no-strings sex won't be possible without her feeling more attached to you, do not even consider offering that. Do the right thing, be honest but gentle, and stop communicating with her. 2
Exformer Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 You should be upfront with her and tell her you don't see the relationship going anywhere beyond great sex and company. But you might want to frame it as really liking what you have right now. If you want an fwb situation, you might leave out the part that you "don't see her as the right one." This can be viewed as she's not good enough and that you're looking for someone who is. Instead keep it more general and about you and what you do want. For example, just say you aren't looking for anything serious. That would be a little less personal, and she could possibly be more inclined to consider it. Be aware of her feelings if you do start up as fwb. She came into this as hoping for a relationship, and could agree to fwb hoping it will lead to more (does that ever actually happen?). 1
kendahke Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 The ideal scenario for me is that we remain friends with benefits with no one getting hurt and 100% openness and honest with one another while we look for "our person". But does she want to be demoted to a FWB? How is she behaving? If she acting aloof and not all that invested, then you may be able to get away with stopping her at FWB. However, if she, as you say, is providing you with all this emotional buttressing that you can't seem to live without, then she's not going to go for it and she'll shut down the candy story. So, you are going to have to learn some self discipline and remove yourself from her intimate space if she doesn't want to just casually screw around while you look for something better. Don't be selfish--that's what keeping her around for your amusement is. 1
Gretchen12 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Oh come on! You know this is not the first time you have used and hurt someone. This can't be new for you. It is who you are. Nothing we say here will change who you are. If you are the kind of person to do the right thing, you would have done it already. I am not sure if you can change. Not everyone in this world is good. Bad people usually stay bad because if you're not born with compassion you just don't have it. Cruel children become cruel adults. And plus, courage is often needed to do the right thing, and courage is in short supply for many people. 2
BaileyB Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 Hi everyone, Today I told her And, did she agree to continue as FWB or did she tell you to keep walking...
Author Zteps Posted August 15, 2018 Author Posted August 15, 2018 I didn't suggest FWB. She said it's a shame as she liked me. The guilt ate me up inside. I feel horrible and clearly I am more attached to her than I had realized. I owe her more and she deserves better than this.
kendahke Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 I didn't suggest FWB. She said it's a shame as she liked me. The guilt ate me up inside. I feel horrible and clearly I am more attached to her than I had realized. I owe her more and she deserves better than this. What you owed her was the truth and the discipline to not use her. And yes, she deserves better than this. 1
Aveenolover Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 If you don't mind me asking--what was it about her that you just werent into? I'm in a similar situation but the girls side and have been trying to get a better understanding of why someone can be attracted to someone, enjoy great sex with them, have fun doing things together but not want to be with that person.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 We are under no obligation to date people simply because the people want to date us ... In fact, dating them or pretending to feel comfortable dating them is itself a misdeed. Next time ... get better at making your disinterest clear before a person "gives" so much to you ... make your disinterest clear as soon as you notice they are getting attached and you aren't. Sanity (for you) and fairness (for them) dictates that you make clear your disinterest in anything serious early on. I assume your guilt is that you led her to believe ... or you allowed her to believe (without you disrupting things) that you were more seriously interested all along than you really were. The guilt is the cost you pay for delaying your honesty. The guilt is not a sign that you should be dating her.
Imajerk17 Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 What the others said. I do feel something else needs to be said though. No matter how the conversation goes, cut down on the frequency of hooking up. If you are spending 2 nights/week together on a consistent basis, things will get messy no matter how well the conversation you had with her went!
Author Zteps Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 @Aveenolover, Yes, I am attracted to her, we get along well, the sex is great, she has a nice character, she was attentive, smart etc, but she wasn't exactly what I was looking for in the sense that she's 4 years older than me, I am about 10" taller than her and though she had a good character she was a bit timid which I just thought for lifelong compatibility these were too big of concerns to let go. @Lotsgoingon, My guilt is that I knew all of the above were issues that would be very hard to let go of but I still allowed things to happen because it felt good. Had we gotten along incredibly I would've likely overlooked things like age difference and height difference. And as well as we did get along I couldn't see us being intellectually interested in another for life. @Imajerk17, I want to see her, to apologize to her, to tell her there is nothing wrong with her and she was great and deserves someone great for her but I also feel that I may just be making things harder for her than they have to be.
Aveenolover Posted August 16, 2018 Posted August 16, 2018 I would say just leave her be. If she contacts you wanting to know why you don't want more--then that could open the conversation for you to tell her it's not her and that you're just not a match but by keep going back to her, all you'll be doing is confusing her and giving her hope she could change your mind.
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