Wounded pride

[memekay]

I posted here not too long ago about a guy I met at conference...who came on really strong to me initially, then cooled off. Felt like I was initiating most of our texting etc etc. After a fortnight of no contact, I (drunkenly, on the advice of a girlfriend, and yes I know I shouldn’t have) sent him a text: “Hey, how have you been?”

 

That was three days ago and the silence has been deafening. Boy do I feel like an idiot. Well, I got the message loud and clear now.

 

Why is it so difficult to say, “Sorry, this isn’t fun anymore.”

 

My pride is wounded now, and I’m trying to find some saving grace here. Folks, do I feel like the idiot because I am an idiot? Is this douche laughing his ass off at me for being able to string me along?

 

[i also just learnt there is a good chance I’ll be seeing him at a work event later this year, and I cannot bear the thought of seeing his smug little face knowing that he got to blow me off.]

[Gretchen12]

Aww... don't feel bad. You are not an idiot and you didn't do anything wrong reaching out to him. You acted like a well adjusted adult. The silence you got only points to his social awkwardness and perhaps even mental illness. When you see him just be the adult and say hey! I texted you and never heard back! If he then tries to set up a date, you turn him down politely.

This ghosting is juvenile and people who avoid doing the right thing even if it's awkward, often have other problems in their lives (work, family, etc. ) because a socially well adjusted adult does what he should, even when he wishes he didn't have to.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry you feel this way I think we all made that mistake...more than once. It takes time for us to learn our lessons. Now it has sinked in right?

 

 

 

Next time you see him just act as if nothing happened, be happy an bubbly and above all this!!

[stillafool]

I posted here not too long ago about a guy I met at conference...who came on really strong to me initially, then cooled off. Felt like I was initiating most of our texting etc etc. After a fortnight of no contact, I (drunkenly, on the advice of a girlfriend, and yes I know I shouldn’t have) sent him a text: “Hey, how have you been?”

 

That was three days ago and the silence has been deafening. Boy do I feel like an idiot. Well, I got the message loud and clear now.

 

Why is it so difficult to say, “Sorry, this isn’t fun anymore.”

 

My pride is wounded now, and I’m trying to find some saving grace here. Folks, do I feel like the idiot because I am an idiot? Is this douche laughing his ass off at me for being able to string me along?

 

[i also just learnt there is a good chance I’ll be seeing him at a work event later this year, and I cannot bear the thought of seeing his smug little face knowing that he got to blow me off.]

 

Why is this guy so special that you would contact him again after he already blew you off?

[Exformer]

Why is this guy so special that you would contact him again after he already blew you off?

 

 

I don't think that's the biggest deal in the world. Her pride was hurt, because she thought they had a good time, and his interest level didn't match her own. Since he slowly just faded away, she felt like things were left a little uncertain. With drunken encouragement from well-meaning friend and booze, she caved on the curiosity. It happens.

 

 

I do think that her pride would have been wounded whether he told her he wasn't interested or ghosted like he did. His opinion on dating her wouldn't have changed. Ghosting her, on the other hand, should make getting over the would-be relationship easier, not harder. Who wants to date someone who would be willing to ghost you? On the other hand, someone who is polite and caring but just not as into you as you them, that would be a bummer.

[d0nnivain]

Most people don't know how to directly reject somebody so they take the coward's way out & ghost. That is what happened here.

 

I know your pride is wounded but it will heal. In the meantime, delete his contact info & enjoy the rest of your life. He's inconsequential.

[kendahke]

My pride is wounded now, and I’m trying to find some saving grace here. Folks, do I feel like the idiot because I am an idiot? Is this douche laughing his ass off at me for being able to string me along?

 

Most likely, he isn't giving this nearly the level of attention and focus that you are. You're not an idiot---we've all tried to "chum the waters" and wound up with nothing.

 

I also just learnt there is a good chance I’ll be seeing him at a work event later this year, and I cannot bear the thought of seeing his smug little face knowing that he got to blow me off.

 

Like I said above, I seriously doubt he harbors the level of contempt for you that you think he does. You're going to show up to that event looking so fabulously amazing that you wont' be able to stand yourself--not only that, but you will have so much grace and confidence that you will exchange les bises in the most breezy fashion because you will have moved on from this hiccup.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Don't feel bad, sending one text and receiving no reply won't give the guy an ego boost. Nothing for him to laugh at. Had you been throwing yourself at him or obsessively texting him would wound your pride. Understand that you did nothing wrong.

[BC1980]

It's really hard to tell someone you aren't interested. I've done it once, and it hurt the guy's feelings to the point that he never talked to me again. He was such a nice guy too. I felt awful for a long time, and I still knew I had done the right thing. In a perfect world, everyone would be straightforward, but you usually have to read the signs. If someone ignores you, don't double down on the contact.

 

It's also a lesson in not getting attached to someone you don't really know. These are all lessons you have to learn from experience. We've all been there and done something we regret. I would just ignore him if you see him at the conference. You've done something 99% of the population has done. Just think of it that way.

[Malin889]

I posted here not too long ago about a guy I met at conference...who came on really strong to me initially, then cooled off. Felt like I was initiating most of our texting etc etc. After a fortnight of no contact, I (drunkenly, on the advice of a girlfriend, and yes I know I shouldn’t have) sent him a text: “Hey, how have you been?”

 

That was three days ago and the silence has been deafening. Boy do I feel like an idiot. Well, I got the message loud and clear now.

 

Why is it so difficult to say, “Sorry, this isn’t fun anymore.”

 

My pride is wounded now, and I’m trying to find some saving grace here. Folks, do I feel like the idiot because I am an idiot? Is this douche laughing his ass off at me for being able to string me along?

 

[i also just learnt there is a good chance I’ll be seeing him at a work event later this year, and I cannot bear the thought of seeing his smug little face knowing that he got to blow me off.]

 

He's definitely not laughing his *** off. He's probably going about his life but I doubt very much he's laughing or mocking you in any way. How do you know you'll definitely see him later this year? If you do, just ignore and walk the other way.

[Versacehottie]

It's really hard to tell someone you aren't interested. I've done it once, and it hurt the guy's feelings to the point that he never talked to me again. He was such a nice guy too. I felt awful for a long time, and I still knew I had done the right thing. In a perfect world, everyone would be straightforward, but you usually have to read the signs. If someone ignores you, don't double down on the contact.

 

It's also a lesson in not getting attached to someone you don't really know. These are all lessons you have to learn from experience. We've all been there and done something we regret. I would just ignore him if you see him at the conference. You've done something 99% of the population has done. Just think of it that way.

 

I think this^^^ is the way to think. The reality is people are split into two camps as far as telling the other person that they don't think things will work out. Some people like you wish the other person would tell you so you know where you stand and there is the other group of people who believe that the lack of contact with you speaks for itself. I think if you met at a conference and basically whatever you had was short-lived, it becomes more commonplace that he (and others) would feel no need to tell you what is going on. That presumes a level importance that you may have given the "relationship" but that you can't guarantee the other person feels that it is that significant nor that it is how he/she will handle their business. The point mainly being that there is a whole lot of "shoulds" going on with hoping or expecting that people will deal with stuff like the way you would hope. The reality is that they don't. So accept that and don't feel bad about it. Do you real think it would feel better to be told to your face or over the phone or a text that he doesn't think things will work out with you. Then your next question would be wanting a reason or a why? Some would have to do with you, about stuff you could change and probably stuff you cannot change; and some reasons would have nothing at all to do with you in particular and some reasons are inexplicable and maybe he couldn't even put his finger on it. For some people, simply that you are "too far away" or that the conference and fling was just a one time thing. See? A ton of reasons are possible. They don't have to be bad pertaining to you--only if you take it that way.

 

I think you did the right thing for you. A text asking how someone is, is harmless and shows you care at a friendly level and being open. It's not like you overdid it with clingy behavior or anything. There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed by. I think you should go to the conference looking amazing, of course, friendly but not fawning or talking to him to much. There is no shame in your game so hold your head high like things turned out exactly as you wished. Basically--they did. You found out some valuable information about him (as in response toward you, availability for the kind of relationship you would want, perhaps timing or distance). I wouldn't ignore completely. Why? He should be embarrassed, not you. if you are still interested, leave the door slightly open is the best policy IMO. If you feel so slighted by his non-response then be professional, business friendly and that's it--because you want nothing else from him.

 

I think most guys think differently than most women. Whereas you are feeling slighted and that the door is closed forever because he acted like a jerk right now by not responding--most guys i believe feel not inclined to tell you what's up directly AS A WAY to leave the door open with you. Girls take it badly--like if he doesn't want something with me RIGHT NOW, he can't really like me. Wrong. Not to give him a pass but that can often be the mindset. Best bet for you, your self-esteem, any progress with him or even other guys, is to hold your head high and take the high road. Act like you're a prize and not bothered by it--both now & when you see him. His loss. Take that attitude.

[rightondude]

I would not sweat your txt at all. You said the most benign thing possible and didn't go ape**** crazy or anything. If you see him again, so be it, just say hello and leave it at that.

 

And as much as you'd like to know "the reason" it didn't all work out, you never will. You just gotta move on and constantly look to better yourself for the next go around.

 

As much as I'd like to know "the reason" it didn't work out with women I was really into, I never will. Was I beta? Did I stink? Is it my receeding hairline? No one will ever tell me. I've even pathetically asked before and got nothing but "I just didn't feel it."

 

It's probably the same reason I'll never tell a woman I quit responding because her butt was too big, her personality was annoying, or whatever. I don't want to get any more involved. I don't want to be a reason she goes spiraling down some hellhole because of something I didn't like or feel. I just don't want to be involved in her life anymore. If I'm thought of as a jerk or a-hole ... yeah, I hate that, but I just hope she moves on to someone who does like her and she forgets about me.

 

I imagine it's the same from the other side when I'm the one wondering why. Still sucks though.

[Malin889]

I would not sweat your txt at all. You said the most benign thing possible and didn't go ape**** crazy or anything. If you see him again, so be it, just say hello and leave it at that.

 

And as much as you'd like to know "the reason" it didn't all work out, you never will. You just gotta move on and constantly look to better yourself for the next go around.

 

As much as I'd like to know "the reason" it didn't work out with women I was really into, I never will. Was I beta? Did I stink? Is it my receeding hairline? No one will ever tell me. I've even pathetically asked before and got nothing but "I just didn't feel it."

 

It's probably the same reason I'll never tell a woman I quit responding because her butt was too big, her personality was annoying, or whatever. I don't want to get any more involved. I don't want to be a reason she goes spiraling down some hellhole because of something I didn't like or feel. I just don't want to be involved in her life anymore. If I'm thought of as a jerk or a-hole ... yeah, I hate that, but I just hope she moves on to someone who does like her and she forgets about me.

 

I imagine it's the same from the other side when I'm the one wondering why. Still sucks though.

 

This is a good post. It’s so true.

[smackie9]

Men stop texting you because they don't want to text you. Remember that when you feel they are distancing themselves. I know it's out of habit to go after what you desire, but there comes a time for a need some constraint. We have all done this, so don't feel silly.

 

 

 

The thing about human nature, most people don't and won't reject you to your face or otherwise. They hope you get the hint from their behavior or the lack there of.

 

 

 

Most on here would say, anyone that comes on too strong is a big red flag.

 

 

 

Also people don't sit around and think critically about a person they had interacted with, for hours or days....only we do about ourselves...we are our own worst enemy for that. So stop beating yourself UP! Go have a fun night with the girlies this weekend and forget about it.

[Lotsgoingon]

You are taking this way too personally. Remember, you don't want to attach or get your hopes up before there is clear response from the other side. And I don't mean a nice text.

 

I mean clear concrete time together in each other's company ... after which each of you says you had a wonderful time ... and you really want do go out again! ... Then ... you start to perhaps believe your hopes.

 

It's like you're attaching to your hopes way too soon.

 

BTW: yes, you want to accept that he's not interested ... and ... and I will tell you that you really don't know what the hell is going on. He could be depressed. A parent could have died ... he could be in debt. He could have a gambling addiction. He could have started to date someone else in a relationship that finally got going. He could be someone who simply wants to want Netflix all day and night. There is all sorts of stuff you don't know about ... which is why you don't want to attach to your hopes about someone based on one or two short encounters and a text.

 

It takes some practice, but remind yourself to slow down ... show up ... take action ... show interest in the other person ... and then let go ... See what happens and move on ...

 

Specific suggestion: Felt like I was initiating most of our texting etc etc. After a fortnight of no contact ... This was your clue--and your cue- to release your hopes ... Quit right then and there! And furthermore, don't initiate too many of the texts. Initiate once, see if he responds and responds at the same level of enthusiasm that you show. If he matches your enthusiasm in his reply, THEN ... you want to reply again perhaps with some hope. If his reply does NOT match your energy ... let go.

 

Dating, even when it gets off to a passionate fast start, is ultimately about taking steps and seeing if the other reciprocates.

 

And no, we don't owe people a message that says, "While I might have seemed interested a week ago, I have subsequently realized I do not want to have a relationship with you because ... you reminded of my ex who had a spending problem ... or because ... I don't think you're x enough ..." No, we don't owe people that. And trust me there are going to be times (probably have already been times) when you're going to politely ignore people interested in YOU.

 

You reached out. That's a success! Show confidence ... Now keep rolling. Who's next?

Edited August 15, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[rightondude]

And no, we don't owe people a message that says, "While I might have seemed interested a week ago, I have subsequently realized I do not want to have a relationship with you because ... you reminded of my ex who had a spending problem ... or because ... I don't think you're x enough ..." No, we don't owe people that. And trust me there are going to be times (probably have already been times) when you're going to politely ignore people interested in YOU.

 

I for one would love to get a message saying exactly this type of thing. It would answer so many questions and help me on the path to enlightenment.

 

But, I would hate to deliver such a message.

 

This seems like an excellent start to a Black Mirror episode. What if, to end a relationship, no matter how long the length, you HAD to HONESTLY tell the person you were no longer interested in WHY? Like if there was a required Yelp or Amazon review for each relationship....maybe we DO owe it to them because we've consumed their "time credits" or something ... hmmm...

Edited August 16, 2018 by rightondude

[mortensorchid]

We've all done stupid things, done things we are not proud of, etc. It's just what it is. As for your situation, just erase him from you phone and move on. You will never have to see him again and it's behind you.

[memekay]

I am now really sorry I ever texted this guy. I have just the last week stopped having days where I feel like an idiot, and today at work, a senior colleague mentions that he was swapping FB messages with Ghost. I didn’t know they knew each other, but not too surprised considering we work in the same field. Turns out they knew each other from a project some years back. Conversation roughly goes:

 

Colleague: “Ghost brought you up, said he met you a couple of months back.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Colleague: “He said you guys have been texting?”

Me (silently fuming): “Yeah, I was being polite.”

Colleague changes subject.

 

I don’t know what this guy’s game is, but if I still had his number I would be so tempted to ask him what he’s playing at. I don’t see my colleague as being a gossip type, but I’m anxious as hell. Catastrophizing what this will mean for me as one of the few women in my field, etc.

 

Does anyone have any tips on how I can minimise the gravity of the texting? Anything better than “I was being polite”?

[rightondude]

I think that's a fine response; better than I could probably come up.

 

If it helps, I bet your colleague changed the subject and likely never thought of it again.

[Orokotikki]

Does anyone have any tips on how I can minimise the gravity of the texting? Anything better than “I was being polite”?

 

Imagine a a stuffy old teacher saying "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THIS TEXTING??"

 

Then laugh, forgive yourself for feeling silly and overreacting to it, and move on.

 

Your line was perfect to minimize the whole thing, and no one at your work cares.

 

Lotsgoingon and rightondude hit the nail on the head.

[Versacehottie]

Imagine a a stuffy old teacher saying "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THIS TEXTING??"

 

Then laugh, forgive yourself for feeling silly and overreacting to it, and move on.

 

Your line was perfect to minimize the whole thing, and no one at your work cares.

 

Lotsgoingon and rightondude hit the nail on the head.

 

I agree (bolded) If you drop it and never bring it up, doubt anyone else will. To make it "go away", drop it. Don't bring it up, don't clarify and don't bring up the conference guy. That way the only way "it" can come back up is if he again sends a message (yeah that's what he was doing!) through your colleague--and if that happens do exactly what you did AGAIN. Good luck

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I agree with what the other posters have said. You handled the situation perfectly with your short nonchalant response. There is nothing else that needs to be said.

 

It is completely understandable that you feel slighted by the Ghost, but please don't beat yourself up over it. You have come across as cool, calm, and collected. Even though you may not feel that way, that is how it will appear to anyone else.