Bodhi7777 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Well today was a break up with a man I'm madly in love with. We are long distance and getting married next month- we we were. Long story short- he has a daughter that he hasn't had contact with for years because of the mother. He finally got to see her- she's 12. He saw her once, then he saw her yesterday and dropped a bombshell on me- he said she asked to live with him full time and he said yes and was going to get a lawyer. When we talked about getting married the last 2 years I said I was ok with every second weekend custody if she came back into his life- but I couldn't be with him if it was full custody. I'm a traveller and I don't have any kids- so the thought of having someone else's full time is scary. The thing is that him getting full custody right now is crazy! They haven't seen each other in years, she lives in a different city than him and her whole life would be uprooted- she doesn't even understand what it means to live with him full time, plus I haven't met her, He also isn't making much money right now and doesn't even have his own place until next month because he just moved back to the city. Anyway- I broke up with him because I can't handle it, I felt like he didn't care about talking to me about it and I feel a bit angry because he said he wasn't going to seek full custody because he didn't want to uproot her life. If he had told me it was a possibility I wouldn't have been in a relationship with him at all. I understand that things happen and that there's always a chance his daughter would have to live with us- but I was expecting to at least live with him alone for a while. I feel so confused- like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I'm honestly hooing he comes to his senses and tells her that it's not a possibility right now and they can talk about it later. Plus I almost feel sorry for his ex wife- she gave him an inch and let him see the kid and look what's he doing- trying to steal her right out from under her nose. I'm on day 1 no contact and I'm an absolute mess. Please help
BaileyB Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. What was the daughter's reason for wanting to leave her mother, and move in with her father full-time? Was it her own decision, or was she persuaded? I find it odd that a young girl would want to move in with a father that she barely knows... I feel like there is more to the story.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I'm sorry for what you're going through. That really stings. Well, custody problems are a pain. But maybe it's better you are dealing with this now than after you get married. Another problem I see is that you said he doesn't even have his own place and doesn't make very much money. So then, would you have been the main bread winner in the marriage? I'm guessing yes? So I see a few problems here that would lie ahead for you if you went through with the wedding. We think love conquers all. But the reality is when you become a step mom, life is different than when you and he were dating. And if finances are weak that can add stress to any relationship. You apparently feel very strongly about not wanting him to have full custody! He apparently loves his daughter immensely and won't say no to her if she wants to live with him full time. Parental love is going to come first for him, by the sounds of it. I honestly don't how a person could get around that. What does he have to say about all this? Did he ask you to come up with some sort of compromise?
Author Bodhi7777 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. What was the daughter's reason for wanting to leave her mother, and move in with her father full-time? Was it her own decision, or was she persuaded? I find it odd that a young girl would want to move in with a father that she barely knows... I feel like there is more to the story. I don't know if there's more to the story- we haven't been talking and I don't really care at this point lol
BaileyB Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I don't know if there's more to the story- we haven't been talking and I don't really care at this point lol Fair enough. You are clearly not interested in being a step parent. To each their own...
Author Bodhi7777 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 I'm sorry for what you're going through. That really stings. Well, custody problems are a pain. But maybe it's better you are dealing with this now than after you get married. Another problem I see is that you said he doesn't even have his own place and doesn't make very much money. So then, would you have been the main bread winner in the marriage? I'm guessing yes? So I see a few problems here that would lie ahead for you if you went through with the wedding. We think love conquers all. But the reality is when you become a step mom, life is different than when you and he were dating. And if finances are weak that can add stress to any relationship. You apparently feel very strongly about not wanting him to have full custody! He apparently loves his daughter immensely and won't say no to her if she wants to live with him full time. Parental love is going to come first for him, by the sounds of it. I honestly don't how a person could get around that. What does he have to say about all this? Did he ask you to come up with some sort of compromise? Thanks- this calmed me down a bit. I've been just freaking out and flailing around and this helped me to think logically.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 You're welcome. I'm glad that helped. If love conquered all I suppose the divorce rate wouldn't be so high and a lot of other things would be different in this world. I'm with you, I feel for the his ex ... Back to finances: Many people get married and think that whatever lays ahead they'll figure it out and tackle the problems together. That is how many couples start out. But it can put a strain on a marriage when they are somehow unequally yoked..and resentment can be created when one person feels like there is an unfair imbalance going on. Good job on calling the wedding off! Many people would just go ahead and get married even though they see things develop they have a problem with.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 You two should most definitely not get married. You are not interested in being a stepmom, which is certainly your prerogative, but he is a father and the child will come first. You have to know that life throws curve-balls at you, and you cannot assume that the current arrangement (every other weekend, for example) would necessarily be the permanent one. What if the girl's mother had gotten very sick or (heaven forbid) passed away suddenly, for instance, and literally could not care for the girl anymore? What would you have done? It should never be taken for granted that a parent will remain distant in their child's life; as a parent, it's always a possibility that the child will want more of a relationship and to live with them. No, the circumstances here aren't ideal and he shouldn't have sprung it on you, but you don't appear willing to talk to him to find out why exactly the girl wants to come and live with her dad. Again, it's your choice to make this a dealbreaker. But if the idea of being around someone else's child a lot is scary to you, you should not date men who have children.
Ralph79 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I'm honestly hooing he comes to his senses and tells her that it's not a possibility right now and they can talk about it later. Plus I almost feel sorry for his ex wife- she gave him an inch and let him see the kid and look what's he doing- trying to steal her right out from under her nose. I hope you dont take the comments Im going to make as a personal attack or aggressive . I could say some encouraging words , but I see you have gotten good advise on that front . Instead I will point out details that could prove counter arguments if he does come back and I hope this might prepare you to have an answer ready for him . 1. You are asking a Father to pick you over his 12 year old Daughter , for the sake of your privacy , without even giving the 12 year old a chance to bond or see how she might fit . Granted , you 2 made plans , but if She asked to be with him , I think nobody would or could critize him for changing his whole life to accomodate her in his life . If you can’t stand by him on this , I definitely think this would be a deal breaker on both sides . 2. You feel like the rug was pulled under you , but deep down you knew this could happen . I think its good that you made your intentions clear , and to be honest I think it’ll be difficult for him to be a Father to a soon to be teenager , if he hs never been a constant prescence in her life . I know that you should have been consulted about this , but if a daughter of mine that I can barely see reaches out to me and asks to be with me , the last thing I would say to her would be : “ Let me check with my GF first if it would be ok” . This is his Daughter we are talking about here . She looks to him for full support. Your situation is indeed complicated , but in my own personal opinion , he did what any decent parent would do . Put his child first . This doesnt make you the bad guy , it simply means that for the time being you have diverting prioriies .
Recommended Posts