rcrljmg07 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 My girlfriend and I were watching a movie and I was doing something quick and she raises her voice and says hurry up, I said what like who are you yelling at sort of tone and she said hurry up, I said don’t talk to me like that and gave her a an eye roll, she said I was being sassy, after this I said you need to get in line, she sort of backed off and tried to kiss me, is this disrespect or am I taking it to hard, I don’t want to sound like a wimp, but I don’t want her to think she can raise her voice at me either. Thanks
Lotsgoingon Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Impossible to answer in the abstract ... but ... the real focus is did this tone and her words get on YOUR nerves? You might well have picked up some surprising scorn or hostility in her voice. Is that what happened? The point is ... you have the right to say look, I'd appreciate if your tone were a little softer. After all, you didn't do anything wrong right. Very important to pay attention to moments like this ... They are difficult moments to process because at first glance they seem minor ... But if the moment threw you off and caught you attention, it's not minor ... Sometimes passive-aggressiveness (her anger at something else about you or something else you did that she didn't speak about) sneaks in to moments that stun the other person. Or sometimes, the person loses touch with what they are really upset about (say a problem at school or work) and they express that upset inappropriately with a partner. Sometimes people from particular families have ways of talking to each other that outsiders just find rude or insulting. My mother used to say she couldn't stand the way my father's family talked ... She thought they were rude and arrogant and all up in her face. Took a while ... but later, my dad actually came to agree. This kind of basic communication is a challenge couples have to figure out. They have to learn a way to communicate where both feel relaxed and respected. So some conflict is actually necessary to iron this out. You pretending you were ok with her tone would not have been good. What did she say in response to your objection? 1
Larry56 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 My girlfriend and I were watching a movie and I was doing something quick and she raises her voice and says hurry up, I said what like who are you yelling at sort of tone and she said hurry up, I said don’t talk to me like that and gave her a an eye roll, she said I was being sassy, after this I said you need to get in line, she sort of backed off and tried to kiss me, is this disrespect or am I taking it to hard, I don’t want to sound like a wimp, but I don’t want her to think she can raise her voice at me either. Thanks Nah, you did the right thing. Don't feel bad about it.
Author rcrljmg07 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Impossible to answer in the abstract ... but ... the real focus is did this tone and her words get on YOUR nerves? You might well have picked up some surprising scorn or hostility in her voice. Is that what happened? The point is ... you have the right to say look, I'd appreciate if your tone were a little softer. After all, you didn't do anything wrong right. Very important to pay attention to moments like this ... They are difficult moments to process because at first glance they seem minor ... But if the moment threw you off and caught you attention, it's not minor ... Sometimes passive-aggressiveness (her anger at something else about you or something else you did that she didn't speak about) sneaks in to moments that stun the other person. Or sometimes, the person loses touch with what they are really upset about (say a problem at school or work) and they express that upset inappropriately with a partner. Sometimes people from particular families have ways of talking to each other that outsiders just find rude or insulting. My mother used to say she couldn't stand the way my father's family talked ... She thought they were rude and arrogant and all up in her face. Took a while ... but later, my dad actually came to agree. This kind of basic communication is a challenge couples have to figure out. They have to learn a way to communicate where both feel relaxed and respected. So some conflict is actually necessary to iron this out. You pretending you were ok with her tone would not have been good. What did she say in response to your objection? Her tone was definitely off, we had been trying to fix the app to get the movie to work and she had to make a new account, so I called her out she got a little more bratty before eventually softening up when I was basically telling her she’s being a jerk, trying to kiss me. I just don’t want to feel she can disrespect me, should I bring it up again or just drop it unless it happens again
Author rcrljmg07 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Nah, you did the right thing. Don't feel bad about it. Should I end it there I don’t want to seem like I’m dwelling on this to her but I don’t want her to think it’s cool
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 If there is something that bothers you, I think you need to speak up. And yeah, some people might accuse you of making a big deal out of not much...likely because they don't want to admit that the way they are treating you is not good...in fact many people have a hard time admitting when they are wrong ... there is some pride involved in that. All relationships cross these types of bridges eventually. How she responds/reacts will tell you a lot about the future of you two being able to have a good relationship. If she has an ingrained habit of speaking to people this way, it might be hard for her to break, but not impossible.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Her tone was definitely off, we had been trying to fix the app to get the movie to work and she had to make a new account, so I called her out she got a little more bratty before eventually softening up when I was basically telling her she’s being a jerk, trying to kiss me. I just don’t want to feel she can disrespect me, should I bring it up again or just drop it unless it happens again You can certainly wait and see if it happens again. One thing that might be a red flag here is when she so quickly goes back to trying to kiss you...as IF that makes it all okay?
Larry56 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Should I end it there I don’t want to seem like I’m dwelling on this to her but I don’t want her to think it’s cool Yeah just let it go for now. Every time she acts up just put her in her place like Dad should have. As you can see...when she does something wrong it's good to discipline, but then she's looking that she still receives love afterwards which you need to give back to her when she's being good. Women are emotional creatures who have waves of emotions during the day which is why you see them change like the weather in 24Hours.
basil67 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Sounds to me like a massive overreaction on your part. She told you to 'hurry up' so that she could watch the movie together. And apparently her tone was a bit off. Big deal. When you're in a relationship, people can and do get a little snippy at times. And the fact that you responded with an eyeroll shows that just like her, you are less than perfect. Anyway, the secret to be happy in a relationship is to let the small stuff slide. Yes, you might roll your eyes, but do it internally and not directed at her. Just as she shouldn't jump on you for every minor thing spoken slightly wrong. Save the angst for when she's doing things which are deliberately hurtful to you. 1
basil67 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Yeah just let it go for now. Every time she acts up just put her in her place like Dad should have. As you can see...when she does something wrong it's good to discipline, but then she's looking that she still receives love afterwards which you need to give back to her when she's being good. hmmm....discipline a woman like her Dad should have and show her love afterwards. Sounds like a short cut to ending up being viewed as an abuser/controlling/emotional manipulation. Is this really what you want for the OP?
Lotsgoingon Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 If this has only happened once, you'd be a jerk to bring this up again ... Now there is something weird about her kissing you to make up ... as opposed to a quick apology and change of voice tone. But you said something that caught my attention: I just don’t want to feel she can disrespect me, should I bring it up again or just drop it unless it happens again The "disrespect" word. I can't tell if you're speaking casually or if "respect" is a huge thing for you ... Here's what I mean. Of course, "respect" is a huge deal ... so huge, I don't even need to talk about it ... sorta talking about the need to "eat every day" ... or need to go to the bathroom multiple times a day. I just assume that's there. So ... what's the difference, in your mind, between someone simply being a jerk? ... And someone "disrespecting" you? Some people in your position would say she "talked down" to them. I would say she had an unnecessarily harsh tone. I'm not sure I would get to "disrespect." ... This is only one instance ... and somehow you're already talking about preventing further "disrespect." I'm not saying this about you ... I'm NOT accusing you of anything ... But I want to make an analogy ... traditionally, a lot of guys who were violent against their spouses ... would yell stuff like, "You are gonna respect me! This is my house. And I am in charge of this family." Whap! I KNOW you don't mean it that way--so tell me how the word "respect"--or rather "disrespect"-- came to you. Some people just occasionally talk rude ... or are really blunt ... doesn't have to do with "respect" or "disrespect." 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 I said you need to get in line What does "get in line" mean? 1
BaileyB Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 When she does something wrong it's good to discipline, but then she receives love afterwards when she's being good. Is there a reason why you would treat your girlfriend like a wayward child, or perhaps a dog? 1
greymatter Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 My girlfriend and I were watching a movie and I was doing something quick and she raises her voice and says hurry up, I said what like who are you yelling at sort of tone and she said hurry up, I said don’t talk to me like that and gave her a an eye roll, she said I was being sassy, after this I said you need to get in line, she sort of backed off and tried to kiss me, is this disrespect or am I taking it to hard, I don’t want to sound like a wimp, but I don’t want her to think she can raise her voice at me either. Thanks The eye roll you dispensed is a form of contempt, so your behavior was not without reproach in that situation. John Gottman is a psychologist who has studied couples extensively in the lab, and contempt is one of the biggest predictors of failed relationships when it comes to couple interactions. You and your GF both need to work on how you resolve frustration and you both need to learn how to communicate effectively, obviously. You have issues too, it isn't just your GF. 1
Author rcrljmg07 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 What does "get in line" mean? It was said in a joking manner with a smile trying to lighten the mood, we have had that sort of relationship, I just thought she may be being actually rude the way she sounded
Author rcrljmg07 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 If this has only happened once, you'd be a jerk to bring this up again ... Now there is something weird about her kissing you to make up ... as opposed to a quick apology and change of voice tone. But you said something that caught my attention: I just don’t want to feel she can disrespect me, should I bring it up again or just drop it unless it happens again The "disrespect" word. I can't tell if you're speaking casually or if "respect" is a huge thing for you ... Here's what I mean. Of course, "respect" is a huge deal ... so huge, I don't even need to talk about it ... sorta talking about the need to "eat every day" ... or need to go to the bathroom multiple times a day. I just assume that's there. So ... what's the difference, in your mind, between someone simply being a jerk? ... And someone "disrespecting" you? Some people in your position would say she "talked down" to them. I would say she had an unnecessarily harsh tone. I'm not sure I would get to "disrespect." ... This is only one instance ... and somehow you're already talking about preventing further "disrespect." I'm not saying this about you ... I'm NOT accusing you of anything ... But I want to make an analogy ... traditionally, a lot of guys who were violent against their spouses ... would yell stuff like, "You are gonna respect me! This is my house. And I am in charge of this family." Whap! I KNOW you don't mean it that way--so tell me how the word "respect"--or rather "disrespect"-- came to you. Some people just occasionally talk rude ... or are really blunt ... doesn't have to do with "respect" or "disrespect." Idk it comes more from a place of courtesy I guess respect, I don’t see what’s wrong with saying respect, like I respect her to not do something if she let me know it bothered her, she sometimes doesn’t acknowledge it or won’t be too giving with an apology. As I usually apologize right away
Author rcrljmg07 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 We are meeting tonight, I’m just going to forget it, if it happens again will need to discuss it
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 We are meeting tonight, I’m just going to forget it, if it happens again will need to discuss it I think this is a good tactic.
d0nnivain Posted August 15, 2018 Posted August 15, 2018 You totally over reacted. She raised her voice. She didn't disrespect you. She raised her voice. People have tones. She probably just did that to make sure she had your attention while you were "doing something quick." We are meeting tonight, I’m just going to forget it, if it happens again will need to discuss it Letting it go is a great idea but what you do you mean "if it happens again"? Is she never allowed to speak above a conversational tone in your presence? Do you mean if she "disrespects" you again? She didn't disrespect you this time.
greymatter Posted August 19, 2018 Posted August 19, 2018 We are meeting tonight, I’m just going to forget it, if it happens again will need to discuss it You mean if you roll your eyes again, and if she raises her voice? Or once again, do you only perceive that her behavior was wrong, and are unaware that your own was unacceptable?
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