caitlyn5 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Curious on what you all think of this. So my soon to be ex boyfriend lives in the next state over. About 50 minutes from me. I’m the one that usually goes to see him. He lives with his ex girlfriend. She goes to bed early. When we go outside to make out he is constantly, oh we have to be quieter because she’ll hear. Okay? Who cares? She’s your ex right? Oh and when I’m wanting to spend an hour with him before I go back (sometimes I’ll stay the night)he’ll tell me give me a second I need/want to do this with her. You mean to tell me, I’m here, supposedly I’m your girlfriend you see her all the time and you’d rather do that with her when you see her every day than spend some quality time with me? And when he’s done doing whatever with her, he comes up with something else. If I stay the night usually he’s tired and wants to go to bed instead of cuddling, talking and I’m lucky if we talk in the morning. He might want to have sex but that’s it. Supposedly they have separate rooms, but can’t help but wonder if they’re still in love with each other and sleep together when I’m not around? Or if I’m going wacko here? Maybe I’m just jealous. I don’t want to dump him because of his, but can’t help but wonder. He says he doesn’t have feelings for her and it’s me he loves, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m just being stun along?
PegNosePete Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 He lives with his ex girlfriend. You have got to be kidding me. And you're OK with that? No need to read any further than this. That would be a total deal-breaker for me, and it should be for you too!
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Lots of red flags here. It doesn't sound like you are getting a whole lot of quality time with him. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells when you go see him because of the "ex" and not wanting to "disturb" her, I don't see how this would be remotely satisfactory for you. 2
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 That’s what I was thinking myself. I didn’t think anything of it until recently. Time to move on. Was too much in love with him I guess and too dumb to realize this crap. 1
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Yeah, you’re right. Too many red flags. Who was I to think I was special to him?
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Well, darlin' you might be special to him indeed...it's just that apparently the ex is special to him as well! It's just one of those things....personally I think it's a bit bizarre he is rooming with his ex. Like, wouldn't that be weird? Anyways, even if he and the ex aren't not carrying on with one another, I think as long as they live together you would still feel suspicious. And a relationship that has a CLOUD of suspicion hanging over it is way less enjoyable. 1
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Well, darlin' you might be special to him indeed...it's just that apparently the ex is special to him as well! It's just one of those things....personally I think it's a bit bizarre he is rooming with his ex. Like, wouldn't that be weird? Anyways, even if he and the ex aren't not carrying on with one another, I think as long as they live together you would still feel suspicious. And a relationship that has a CLOUD of suspicion hanging over it is way less enjoyable. I was starting to think I’m crazy for not be okay with this. I did say something to him, but was accused of being jealous.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 (edited) I don’t want to dump him because of his, but can’t help but wonder. He says he doesn’t have feelings for her and it’s me he loves, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m just being stun along? Excuse me?! You don't want to dump him for living with his ex and prioritizing attention to his ex when you go visit ... and when he doesn't want to cuddle or be loud or kiss you or do anything that attracts the ex's attention. Wow! So mistake #1 is date someone who lives with an ex. And mistake #2 was to not raise holy hell and fury the first time--and any subsequent time-- he told you to get quiet because he didn't want to disturb his ex ... Or when he told you he needed to attend to the ex and he was going to be right back. Yes, you have reason to be jealous. Actually you should be way past jealous ... you have reason to be alarmed. He is prioritizing his ex over you. And no, you're not losing your mind. The only sign you have lost your mind is that you are hesitating in standing up for yourself. I'm glad you came here. Time to stop this insulting situation. You deserve better, don't you think? Edited August 13, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 3
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 Excuse me?! You don't want to dump him for living with his ex and prioritizing attention to his ex when you go visit ... and when he doesn't want to cuddle or be loud or kiss you or do anything that attracts the ex's attention. Wow! So mistake #1 is date someone who lives with an ex. And mistake #2 was to not raise holy hell and fury the first time--and any subsequent time-- he told you to get quiet because he didn't want to disturb his ex ... Or when he told you he needed to attend to the ex and he was going to be right back. Yes, you have reason to be jealous. Actually you should be way past jealous ... you have reason to be alarmed. He is prioritizing is ex over you. And no, you're not losing your mind. The only sign you have lost your mind is that you are hesitating in standing up for yourself. I'm glad you came here. Time to stop this insulting situation. You deserve better, don't you think? You’re right thanks. I deserve someone better. I understand living with your parents, but not with your ex. I’m going to text him and end this once and for all. I’m not going to play second to some other woman while dating the guy I wanted to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. 1
PegNosePete Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I was starting to think I’m crazy for not be okay with this. On the contrary, you would have to be crazy to be OK with this! On top of that he can't even see why you've got a problem with it? You need to dump this joker. 3
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 13, 2018 Author Posted August 13, 2018 On the contrary, you would have to be crazy to be OK with this! On top of that he can't even see why you've got a problem with it? You need to dump this joker. I’m starting to realize I am crazy for putting up with it. I didn’t think any of it at first, but should have known it was too weird of a situation. I tried to call and tell him this, but not answering at the moment.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 Hon, dating should be enjoyable and a means by which you are able to have a degree of LIBERTY to explore one another and find out stuff about each other...and yes, you should be able to make out without that stupid inhibition placed on you to not disturb the infamous ex. If he is truly a keeper he would not only encourage you to be able to let your hair all the way down, he would want to shout from the rooftops that he's dating you. (and not care who he wakes up) 2
MountainGirl111 Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 I was starting to think I’m crazy for not be okay with this. I did say something to him, but was accused of being jealous. He's the CRAZY one for even remotely thinking you could be okay with this bizarre arrangement! He can accuse you of jealousy all he wants. That's just his way of defending himself and deflecting. Put it back on you. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 13, 2018 Posted August 13, 2018 This guy has lost his integrity ... he should make clear to his ex that you are the priority and treat you like you are the priority. This actually comes naturally to most people who value someone. So it's speaking A LOT about him that he has failed to prioritize you on the visits. Sounds to me like the ex might bully him ... and he lets her bully him ... not good... This means he's susceptible to being manipulated by a mean person ... you're the opposite of mean (that's why you unfortunately put up with this nonsense) ... So just know in the future, anytime you feel unhappy, you can voice that. Don't suppress ... Voice ... until you figure it out. So yeah ... dump him ... Don't be surprised if he comes begging and saying you're making it all up. A person in his situation ... almost cannot "see" how the bullying ex is manipulating him. (The bully knows how to get to someone's weak spots.) In my experience, I think a full irrevocable dumping is in order. But I'm gonna bet he's gonna beg and he's going to accuse YOU of not being thoughtful and of being self-centered. He's going to say you're the problem, not him or his ex. He will defend the ex. Just be ready to ignore that!
MountainGirl111 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 It's good you posted here today to help you get some needed perspective. What he's trying to con you into accepting reminds me of gaslighting. I'm posting a link so you can read up on it. You KNOW what's right and what feels WRONG. Your perception on this is the main perception you need to believe here no matter how much he may try to make you question yourself..... https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting "You're just jealous" is something he can say to you to try to get you to believe the BS he's trying to get you to buy into. So then, you question yourself...."am I really just jealous?"....and that can start a cascade type thing that can lead to more questioning of yourself and reality of the situation.
Malin889 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Is this guy really THAT charming that both of you will deal with him hanging out with the other woman while one of you is inside and the other is outside? Are you outside the house/waiting in the car while he’s doing whatever he’s doing with the other woman or are you allowed to wait inside their home while they are making out? Wow, this dude’s got it made! 1
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 You all gave me such good advice. I called and said I am not going to put up with this. I’m much better than that. I need someone that’ll love me and me only. And if I want to be loud while making out, so be it! I don’t care if anyone, let alone his ex, hears us. And I ended it. I mean seriously. If he was over his ex and didn’t have feelings for her, he wouldn’t be telling me to be quieter because she’s nearby and would hear us. And who lives with their ex like that anyway? 1
MountainGirl111 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Bravo, Caitlyn, Bravo!!!! Doesn't that feel good to get that out? Awesome. Way to go.
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 And I’m getting apology texts from him. Blocked!
MountainGirl111 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Good. Keep him blocked. He'll learn not to mess with girls like you!!!!!!! Let him go get some comfort from the ex who's right there in the same apt. Oh, let me guess....he'll try to spin it and explain it, but you don't even have to be exposed to those lies. You go girl!
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 Good. Keep him blocked. He'll learn not to mess with girls like you!!!!!!! Let him go get some comfort from the ex who's right there in the same apt. Oh, let me guess....he'll try to spin it and explain it, but you don't even have to be exposed to those lies. You go girl! It feels so good knowing I dodged a bullet and I’m not the crazy one. I want to think I’m a great catch, and know someone better is out there. Let him get loving from his ex, who he supposedly didn’t have feelings for. Thanks MountainGirl111.
MountainGirl111 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Yeah, those damn "ex's"...they cause more problems!! Seriously if he truly valued you and didn't want to take any chances with you the right thing for him to do was get rid of the ex first before dating you. He's got his priorities messed up.
Author caitlyn5 Posted August 14, 2018 Author Posted August 14, 2018 Yeah, those damn "ex's"...they cause more problems!! Seriously if he truly valued you and didn't want to take any chances with you the right thing for him to do was get rid of the ex first before dating you. He's got his priorities messed up. That’s for sure. I didn’t think he was over her in the beginning. Didn’t want to tell him it’s or me until now.
caringguy171 Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 For getting out. I experienced something similar. Just keep in mind, it wasn’t your fault. It’s very hard. Especially if, it’s someone you thought you loved, but turns out the feeling wasn’t mutual. You seem like a wonderful person Caitlyn and any guy it seems would be lucky to date you. Good luck! 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 14, 2018 Posted August 14, 2018 Great job!!!!! I feel your confidence ... no, you weren't crazy. Please continue to build on this insight ... When something doesn't feel right in a relationship, address it. I knew he would apologize! ... Knew it! ... OMG, a mean idea just crossed my mind ... of course don't do this ... But what if you sent a message saying I would break up with you in person, but I don't want to bother EX. So I'm doing it quietly. Bye! 1
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